Emotionally handicapped
I was just having a shower and pondering deeper about things...
Now it's all becoming clearer to me.
What do you do when you're diagnosed with a chronic medical condition?
"Swallow your meds and suck it up" and that's about it..?
One thing that was gravely lacking in my family was emotions and communication...
Being a very emotional being myself, it was even harder.
There was never the emotional support or talks of that sort to help me cope and deal with the news.
There was never a "how are you coping?", "how do you feel about it?"
There was never "we'll get through this together", "what is it you fear?"
There was never "don't be scared, I'm/we're here for you"
There was never the assurance of "no you're not abnormal", "no you're not a freak or defective", "this doesn't make you any less important/able/worthy", "it's ok to be imperfect"
There was only "you should" this and "you should" that.
"Go take up yoga it'll help you/it's good for you"
"Go and do meditation it'll help you"
Yes.. physically maybe.. but what about emotionally? Yoga won't help me deal with that.
So that's all there was (or rather wasn't). Was never given a chance to deal with it to handle it or given the support I needed so badly.
And eventually it made me angry.. made me bitter.. made me rebel.. I couldn't cope with it, I couldn't accept it, I was denying it.
The more angry and bitter I got the more I wanted to work against it.
It was almost as if "since I'm defective I might as well destroy myself" mentality.
==================================================
There's a dark side of me...
A very very dark cynical part of me almost no one has yet really seen.
I've kept the she-devil locked up inside for way to long now and she's banging and screaming to be let out.
I fear for how she might run amok and lead the way to my self destruction...
the things I contemplate at time scares me sometimes...
At times I just hate myself knowing the way my mind works.
Why do I behave in such a manner? Why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me?
So much guilt, so much anger, so much frustration, so much sadness.
And yet I try my best to "keep up with appearances" cos those on the outside just wouldn't understand.
No one is too old or matured to get depressed.
Just because I'm 27 this year doesn't mean that depression is something I should naturally be able to deal with as it's self-created and that I need to "grow up".
=========================================================
I don't wanna grow old bitter, cynical, and alone.
I need to save myself, but I think it would take more than myself.
I need a hero.
I can't be my hero.
Sometimes, material/tangibles are just things. As much as we need them, they do not compensate for emotional needs or fill our voids...
Now it's all becoming clearer to me.
What do you do when you're diagnosed with a chronic medical condition?
"Swallow your meds and suck it up" and that's about it..?
One thing that was gravely lacking in my family was emotions and communication...
Being a very emotional being myself, it was even harder.
There was never the emotional support or talks of that sort to help me cope and deal with the news.
There was never a "how are you coping?", "how do you feel about it?"
There was never "we'll get through this together", "what is it you fear?"
There was never "don't be scared, I'm/we're here for you"
There was never the assurance of "no you're not abnormal", "no you're not a freak or defective", "this doesn't make you any less important/able/worthy", "it's ok to be imperfect"
There was only "you should" this and "you should" that.
"Go take up yoga it'll help you/it's good for you"
"Go and do meditation it'll help you"
Yes.. physically maybe.. but what about emotionally? Yoga won't help me deal with that.
So that's all there was (or rather wasn't). Was never given a chance to deal with it to handle it or given the support I needed so badly.
And eventually it made me angry.. made me bitter.. made me rebel.. I couldn't cope with it, I couldn't accept it, I was denying it.
The more angry and bitter I got the more I wanted to work against it.
It was almost as if "since I'm defective I might as well destroy myself" mentality.
==================================================
There's a dark side of me...
A very very dark cynical part of me almost no one has yet really seen.
I've kept the she-devil locked up inside for way to long now and she's banging and screaming to be let out.
I fear for how she might run amok and lead the way to my self destruction...
the things I contemplate at time scares me sometimes...
At times I just hate myself knowing the way my mind works.
Why do I behave in such a manner? Why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me?
So much guilt, so much anger, so much frustration, so much sadness.
And yet I try my best to "keep up with appearances" cos those on the outside just wouldn't understand.
No one is too old or matured to get depressed.
Just because I'm 27 this year doesn't mean that depression is something I should naturally be able to deal with as it's self-created and that I need to "grow up".
=========================================================
I don't wanna grow old bitter, cynical, and alone.
I need to save myself, but I think it would take more than myself.
I need a hero.
I can't be my hero.
Sometimes, material/tangibles are just things. As much as we need them, they do not compensate for emotional needs or fill our voids...