they don't understand
"Look at what you have you should appreciate and realise that you're very lucky"
"Look at those who go through REAL trials in their life and the strength they show"
"For fuck's sake Nic get over it and pick yourself up"
Judgement Judgement Judgement
It seems that in Asian societies it's all about face.
It's all about burying whatever you feel and putting up a strong front.
It's all about "there's no such thing as failure" or "the weak gets left behind"
==================================================
Recently it seems like the past has resurfaced somehow and events of the past have come to haunt me.
There was a time in the past when I was everyone's Aunt Aggie.. When I was full of empathy for others..
Then things happened, I got jaded, I got hurt, I was pushed to the brink and then after it seemed that over time I lost the ability to feel.
I grew cold inside, I put up a great wall and stopped letting people in.
At the age of 15 just before the major 'O' levels I suffered a major setback..
And again at the age of 20 I suffered yet another major setback.
No i'm not talking about what a drama queen would deem a setback but setbacks that would alter one for the rest of their life.
Setbacks that stick with you and drag you down for the rest of your bloody fucking life.
Setbacks that are beyond your control.
So what's a gal who has had all her hopes crash to do?
What's a gal who has so much expectations laid on her to do?
Bury all that feeling, pretend like nothing's wrong, put up the strongest front possible and strive to outlast and overachieve so as to try to revalidate oneself and prove that I can still do it all despite those 'setbacks'.
==============================================================
But recently, out of the blue, as if triggered by certain events, all that I suppressed has resurfaced.
I'm starting to remember all that happened in the past.
I'm starting to feel overwhelming emotions.
The icy coldness seems to be melting away.
And I can't cope with all that I'm feeling!
It's so emotionally draining I'm feeling so tired I can't seem to function as well as before.
It's so overwhelming I find myself having mood swings and sudden breakdowns.
It's feeling like a volcano about to erupt I fear I may self-destruct.
I feel like anytime I'm going to have a terrible outburst that I end up doing something totally uncomprehendable that I live to regret...
=============================================================
I'm starting to wonder if it's actually depression related to brain chemistry.
It used to be something I would never EVER contemplate cos it would be "a sign of weakness" and it was "only an excuse for an easy way out in life"
Now I'm not so sure anymore...
In Western countries, Depression is not a dirty word.
But in Pressure-cooker societies like Singapore, it sure bloody fuckin hell is.
"Look at those who go through REAL trials in their life and the strength they show"
"For fuck's sake Nic get over it and pick yourself up"
Judgement Judgement Judgement
It seems that in Asian societies it's all about face.
It's all about burying whatever you feel and putting up a strong front.
It's all about "there's no such thing as failure" or "the weak gets left behind"
==================================================
Recently it seems like the past has resurfaced somehow and events of the past have come to haunt me.
There was a time in the past when I was everyone's Aunt Aggie.. When I was full of empathy for others..
Then things happened, I got jaded, I got hurt, I was pushed to the brink and then after it seemed that over time I lost the ability to feel.
I grew cold inside, I put up a great wall and stopped letting people in.
At the age of 15 just before the major 'O' levels I suffered a major setback..
And again at the age of 20 I suffered yet another major setback.
No i'm not talking about what a drama queen would deem a setback but setbacks that would alter one for the rest of their life.
Setbacks that stick with you and drag you down for the rest of your bloody fucking life.
Setbacks that are beyond your control.
So what's a gal who has had all her hopes crash to do?
What's a gal who has so much expectations laid on her to do?
Bury all that feeling, pretend like nothing's wrong, put up the strongest front possible and strive to outlast and overachieve so as to try to revalidate oneself and prove that I can still do it all despite those 'setbacks'.
==============================================================
But recently, out of the blue, as if triggered by certain events, all that I suppressed has resurfaced.
I'm starting to remember all that happened in the past.
I'm starting to feel overwhelming emotions.
The icy coldness seems to be melting away.
And I can't cope with all that I'm feeling!
It's so emotionally draining I'm feeling so tired I can't seem to function as well as before.
It's so overwhelming I find myself having mood swings and sudden breakdowns.
It's feeling like a volcano about to erupt I fear I may self-destruct.
I feel like anytime I'm going to have a terrible outburst that I end up doing something totally uncomprehendable that I live to regret...
=============================================================
I'm starting to wonder if it's actually depression related to brain chemistry.
It used to be something I would never EVER contemplate cos it would be "a sign of weakness" and it was "only an excuse for an easy way out in life"
Now I'm not so sure anymore...
In Western countries, Depression is not a dirty word.
But in Pressure-cooker societies like Singapore, it sure bloody fuckin hell is.