I am a better mom if I take care of myself.
I've been feeling very stuck for a while now. I know I should try to let go of things more. I should probably write more about how I feel too.
It is so hard to live with someone who is severely depressed. He distances himself from all of us and is so angry all the time. He sleeps half a day and then is all negative the rest. He refuses to understand that when I say that I have to carry the whole parenting load myself, I don't mean that he doesn't cook or go to buy groceries. I mean that I can't depend on him to do his part no matter what. On a good day he does everything and more, but on a bad day, he doesn't. I am the one who picks up the slack. I'm the one who must always carry the load of responsibilities.
I feel often that I shouldn't lose my temper with my children, not even when they misbehave. Their dad is so often snappy and cranky with them that I feel like I should somehow make up for it. I'm just setting myself up for failure with that. Of course I lose my temper. All this stress about doing it all and being the perfect mother, being the one getting up at night when the kids have a nightmare, taking them to daycare and hobbies, trying to finish my degree at school. I lose my temper all the time. I'm not patient enough. My fuse is so short and I flare up in an instant. It's not good.
I have yoga once a week and it is the only thing keeping me sane. If I have to skip it for any reason at all, I feel like I'm suffocating. I do yoga at home too, but it doesn't have the same effect. Part of the charm is the getting away from home part. And yet I feel guilty when I lie down for the relaxation in the beginning of the class. I often have to remind myself that taking care of myself makes me a better mother.
I'm going to hairdresser's in two weeks and I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty when I buy myself anything at all that is not strictly useful and needed. I know it is partly a self esteem thing but I also think it is also something my mother has instilled in me since childhood. We never had money to spare when I was young and every penny counted. I wore secondhand clothes all through primary school. I bought my first pair of new jeans from H&M in Paris when I was 18 years old. In our family buying clothes or make-up or anything that had something to do with looks was frowned upon. My hair was cut at home. I wore no make-up. My ballet clothes, underwear and socks were the only new clothes I got & later riding boots & a helmet. I'm not saying that being poor sucked. I just wonder why clothes and make-up were supposedly such a frivolous thing to buy?
Now that I am an adult myself and have children of my own, I buy lots of clothes for them from the flea market. There are cute dresses to be found and shoes that have hardly been worn at all. There is no shame in that. I love secondhand clothes. What I don't get is that why it is such a bad thing for my mother that I want to look nice. Still, if I have bought something knew, she comments on it with the tone of voice that tells me that she doesn't approve. Perhaps it is because we don't have that much money and she wishes I would use it in a different way. But it is my money and mine to use.
I've finally realized that having nice clothes that fit me well makes me feel better about myself. Sure it is only the outer layer that feels better, but when there is a lot to fix on the inside, it is good to start somewhere. I've also realized that it doesn't matter what my mother thinks, I should still do as feels good to me. It is not her decision to make any longer. However it does matter to me what she thinks. No matter how hard I try not to let it matter, it still does. It makes me sad that she still feels like she should be able to control my life to such a detail. It makes me feel like she doesn't truly believe in my abilities to take care of myself. It makes me sad that she can't see things from my perspective at all. It makes me frustrated too sometimes.
I need someone to tell me that it is okay for mothers to use money on looking nice, that it is okay for mothers to take care of their own well-being too. I want to hear it from my own mother, but she won't say it. Juts like she hardly ever says what I need to hear from her. What she says is that I need to be tough and put others needs before my own. I need to to just deal with whatever life throws my way, suck it up and persevere. Tears amount to nothing, solve nothing and make me seem weak. Complaining is unpleasant and really I have no right because everything is so fine with me. She says she will help me whenever I need her help, but in truth when I would need her most, she only wants to talk about herself and keep me at arm's length, because she is afraid of showing any emotions and can't deal with mine.
My mother surely isn't the one to blame for most of my problems and I know I have to deal with them on my own. She can't fix them for me even if she wanted to. Yet it would be nice if she offered, even once.
It is so hard to live with someone who is severely depressed. He distances himself from all of us and is so angry all the time. He sleeps half a day and then is all negative the rest. He refuses to understand that when I say that I have to carry the whole parenting load myself, I don't mean that he doesn't cook or go to buy groceries. I mean that I can't depend on him to do his part no matter what. On a good day he does everything and more, but on a bad day, he doesn't. I am the one who picks up the slack. I'm the one who must always carry the load of responsibilities.
I feel often that I shouldn't lose my temper with my children, not even when they misbehave. Their dad is so often snappy and cranky with them that I feel like I should somehow make up for it. I'm just setting myself up for failure with that. Of course I lose my temper. All this stress about doing it all and being the perfect mother, being the one getting up at night when the kids have a nightmare, taking them to daycare and hobbies, trying to finish my degree at school. I lose my temper all the time. I'm not patient enough. My fuse is so short and I flare up in an instant. It's not good.
I have yoga once a week and it is the only thing keeping me sane. If I have to skip it for any reason at all, I feel like I'm suffocating. I do yoga at home too, but it doesn't have the same effect. Part of the charm is the getting away from home part. And yet I feel guilty when I lie down for the relaxation in the beginning of the class. I often have to remind myself that taking care of myself makes me a better mother.
I'm going to hairdresser's in two weeks and I feel guilty about that too. I feel guilty when I buy myself anything at all that is not strictly useful and needed. I know it is partly a self esteem thing but I also think it is also something my mother has instilled in me since childhood. We never had money to spare when I was young and every penny counted. I wore secondhand clothes all through primary school. I bought my first pair of new jeans from H&M in Paris when I was 18 years old. In our family buying clothes or make-up or anything that had something to do with looks was frowned upon. My hair was cut at home. I wore no make-up. My ballet clothes, underwear and socks were the only new clothes I got & later riding boots & a helmet. I'm not saying that being poor sucked. I just wonder why clothes and make-up were supposedly such a frivolous thing to buy?
Now that I am an adult myself and have children of my own, I buy lots of clothes for them from the flea market. There are cute dresses to be found and shoes that have hardly been worn at all. There is no shame in that. I love secondhand clothes. What I don't get is that why it is such a bad thing for my mother that I want to look nice. Still, if I have bought something knew, she comments on it with the tone of voice that tells me that she doesn't approve. Perhaps it is because we don't have that much money and she wishes I would use it in a different way. But it is my money and mine to use.
I've finally realized that having nice clothes that fit me well makes me feel better about myself. Sure it is only the outer layer that feels better, but when there is a lot to fix on the inside, it is good to start somewhere. I've also realized that it doesn't matter what my mother thinks, I should still do as feels good to me. It is not her decision to make any longer. However it does matter to me what she thinks. No matter how hard I try not to let it matter, it still does. It makes me sad that she still feels like she should be able to control my life to such a detail. It makes me feel like she doesn't truly believe in my abilities to take care of myself. It makes me sad that she can't see things from my perspective at all. It makes me frustrated too sometimes.
I need someone to tell me that it is okay for mothers to use money on looking nice, that it is okay for mothers to take care of their own well-being too. I want to hear it from my own mother, but she won't say it. Juts like she hardly ever says what I need to hear from her. What she says is that I need to be tough and put others needs before my own. I need to to just deal with whatever life throws my way, suck it up and persevere. Tears amount to nothing, solve nothing and make me seem weak. Complaining is unpleasant and really I have no right because everything is so fine with me. She says she will help me whenever I need her help, but in truth when I would need her most, she only wants to talk about herself and keep me at arm's length, because she is afraid of showing any emotions and can't deal with mine.
My mother surely isn't the one to blame for most of my problems and I know I have to deal with them on my own. She can't fix them for me even if she wanted to. Yet it would be nice if she offered, even once.