fear of mediocrity
Couple of weeks ago while driving back from the movies with fiance, we got to talking about our dreams. I mentioned that I've always wanted to write a novel. It's not even so much a dream to publish a novel, but just get the thing written down to the last word. I have these stories swimming about in my head that have been there since I was 15 years old. From time to time I've tried to write them down, but I never really commit and all is left unfinished. I think I always stop when I hit a difficult part, when the words don't flow easily, when I don't know where to take the story next or if I've written couple of chapters of crap and don't want to admit it.
While talking to fiance about this dream of mine, I happened to say out loud that I think my problem with an artsy type of profession is that I've never believed that I'd be good enough. I like drawing and painting but I've never thought I'd actually be good enough to someone want to actually see my paintings in a gallery. I love photography but once a friend of mine made it a profession for herself, I basically stopped taking photos because supposedly in some weird way I could never be as good as she was. I don't have a diploma in it so of course I can't be as good as someone who does. Why this matters and makes me stop doing something I enjoy very much, I don't know. I'm good at making clothes but afraid to study fashion design because I feel like I would never be more than average at it. Same with writing. I can allow myself to dream that I could actually finish writing a novel but not that it would get published.
I've never realized before how much I let my fear of failure or mediocrity hinder myself. It was shocking to me to realize this. I give up even before I begin. I sell myself short. Deep down I know I'm good at writing, good at making and designing clothes. I make really good cupcakes and I can take good photos. For a long time I've thought that I'm not doing these things I used to love, because I'm so lazy and simply just don't get things done. Now I've realized that it's not so much about not getting things done, but a reluctance to even try.
I know that my self esteem is low, but somehow I've only focused on the outward appearance and stupidly thought it all ends there. Why wouldn't my low self esteem affect everything else as well? I'm not sure how a self esteem can be made better, but I am going to try. I'm also going to make time for writing. There is a new story in my head and I think I should give this one a chance and not wait for 15 years before beginning the first chapter.
While talking to fiance about this dream of mine, I happened to say out loud that I think my problem with an artsy type of profession is that I've never believed that I'd be good enough. I like drawing and painting but I've never thought I'd actually be good enough to someone want to actually see my paintings in a gallery. I love photography but once a friend of mine made it a profession for herself, I basically stopped taking photos because supposedly in some weird way I could never be as good as she was. I don't have a diploma in it so of course I can't be as good as someone who does. Why this matters and makes me stop doing something I enjoy very much, I don't know. I'm good at making clothes but afraid to study fashion design because I feel like I would never be more than average at it. Same with writing. I can allow myself to dream that I could actually finish writing a novel but not that it would get published.
I've never realized before how much I let my fear of failure or mediocrity hinder myself. It was shocking to me to realize this. I give up even before I begin. I sell myself short. Deep down I know I'm good at writing, good at making and designing clothes. I make really good cupcakes and I can take good photos. For a long time I've thought that I'm not doing these things I used to love, because I'm so lazy and simply just don't get things done. Now I've realized that it's not so much about not getting things done, but a reluctance to even try.
I know that my self esteem is low, but somehow I've only focused on the outward appearance and stupidly thought it all ends there. Why wouldn't my low self esteem affect everything else as well? I'm not sure how a self esteem can be made better, but I am going to try. I'm also going to make time for writing. There is a new story in my head and I think I should give this one a chance and not wait for 15 years before beginning the first chapter.