"Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest."
Things are in perspective.
This is a good thing. When I focus on my life and the things I hope to accomplish, I tend to embellish the importance of every task. I often lose sight of my priorities because, suddenly, each thing looks equally important. I become fixated.
I am not oblivious to the situation. I recognize that this fixation is dangerous for me. Dangerous, in part, because this almost-compulsive desire to address everything head-on developed in my mid-teens. It was a means of improving my life, of living up to my potential. This fixation was the solution to my problems.
My mid-teens were an extremely difficult time for me, marking a point in my life where my entire world seemed to be spinning out of control. I desperately needed control. I needed to make sense of everything I was experiencing. So, having once surrendered myself to willfully doing nothing to better my situation, I forced the pendulum to swing the other way. My high school guidance counselor, when she noticed a dramatic change in my grades, asked me if I ate my Wheaties.
I've been struggling to find some semblance of moderation since.
Over the last two years or so, I became fixated on 'to do' lists as a means of managing this fixation. I justified the act because, with a constant reminder of the tasks that remain incomplete, I truly believed it would motivate me to be a more active participant in my life. For the most part, one might think this to be an adequate solution.
These lists don't work. Where they aimed to motivate, they more often overwhelm and paralyze me. I lie to myself about them. I rearrange tasks when I have no motivation for them. I rewrite, rewrite, rewrite lists until I am somehow emotionally comforted by this act alone. I try to organize my 'to do' lists by priority, but I am usually unsuccessful in this endeavor.
People often say I do too much, that I should take a breath because I'm not Superwoman and couldn't possibly take on everything by myself. This is why I make the effort. Prioritizing is difficult. I need to complete the 'to do' list. I need to finish everything. I need to reach my potential. I need to not be a disappointment to myself or others. I need to prevent the gravity of the pendulum from taking me back to that place where my life is no longer in my control. So I rewrite the list and try again.
I have finally reached that place where I am not making excuses for myself anymore. I'm recognizing that there are certain tasks I must complete each day, and I work to complete them. I am not itemizing the lists by steps and sub-lists anymore. I am not stubbornly adhering to some self-imposed schedule, but instead recognizing that I need to be a little flexible with my life right now. I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy. In all of this doing, I'm learning to prioritize.
This breathing stuff really works.
This is a good thing. When I focus on my life and the things I hope to accomplish, I tend to embellish the importance of every task. I often lose sight of my priorities because, suddenly, each thing looks equally important. I become fixated.
I am not oblivious to the situation. I recognize that this fixation is dangerous for me. Dangerous, in part, because this almost-compulsive desire to address everything head-on developed in my mid-teens. It was a means of improving my life, of living up to my potential. This fixation was the solution to my problems.
My mid-teens were an extremely difficult time for me, marking a point in my life where my entire world seemed to be spinning out of control. I desperately needed control. I needed to make sense of everything I was experiencing. So, having once surrendered myself to willfully doing nothing to better my situation, I forced the pendulum to swing the other way. My high school guidance counselor, when she noticed a dramatic change in my grades, asked me if I ate my Wheaties.
I've been struggling to find some semblance of moderation since.
Over the last two years or so, I became fixated on 'to do' lists as a means of managing this fixation. I justified the act because, with a constant reminder of the tasks that remain incomplete, I truly believed it would motivate me to be a more active participant in my life. For the most part, one might think this to be an adequate solution.
These lists don't work. Where they aimed to motivate, they more often overwhelm and paralyze me. I lie to myself about them. I rearrange tasks when I have no motivation for them. I rewrite, rewrite, rewrite lists until I am somehow emotionally comforted by this act alone. I try to organize my 'to do' lists by priority, but I am usually unsuccessful in this endeavor.
People often say I do too much, that I should take a breath because I'm not Superwoman and couldn't possibly take on everything by myself. This is why I make the effort. Prioritizing is difficult. I need to complete the 'to do' list. I need to finish everything. I need to reach my potential. I need to not be a disappointment to myself or others. I need to prevent the gravity of the pendulum from taking me back to that place where my life is no longer in my control. So I rewrite the list and try again.
I have finally reached that place where I am not making excuses for myself anymore. I'm recognizing that there are certain tasks I must complete each day, and I work to complete them. I am not itemizing the lists by steps and sub-lists anymore. I am not stubbornly adhering to some self-imposed schedule, but instead recognizing that I need to be a little flexible with my life right now. I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy. In all of this doing, I'm learning to prioritize.
This breathing stuff really works.