"Hangin' with the raisin girls; she's gone to the other side."
I am taking a vow of silence.
This is not the "vow of silence" one might typically conjure in their minds at the thought of the term. I am not vowing to restrict myself from all verbal or oral communication all together. Nor am I promising silence for a designated span of time. Instead, I vow to silence all the needless things I say. No more complaints or excuses. No more compulsive over-sharing. No more empty promises. No oral slippage of self-doubt, insecurity, or destructive envy. No more of my usual bullshit.
I will still be Jen. I will still communicate and banter and laugh. I will still express my wonder, my ruminations, and my love. However, instead of surrendering to the babbling of an overactive mind, I will do instead of say. To do lists are henceforth private, internalized. Bemoaning goals not achieved and whining about all the reasons I can't will no longer be allowed in my turn of phrase. I will still be Jen, but Jen is no longer permitted to sink to these lows anymore...
Because the truth is: they are not my lows. Most of this nay-saying comes from socially-imposed expectations. These words are verbal representations of my Catholic guilt. These are the silent, sometimes self-imposed judgments borne from missing the mark in a society where normal is an ever elusive goal. The worst of it is that, because I'd made mistakes during my troubled youth, I tricked myself into believing that not making these marks had doomed me to a life of failure.
And I'm done with it. I'm done letting it make me feel like I'm a lesser person than I am.
So I am taking a vow of silence.
This is not the "vow of silence" one might typically conjure in their minds at the thought of the term. I am not vowing to restrict myself from all verbal or oral communication all together. Nor am I promising silence for a designated span of time. Instead, I vow to silence all the needless things I say. No more complaints or excuses. No more compulsive over-sharing. No more empty promises. No oral slippage of self-doubt, insecurity, or destructive envy. No more of my usual bullshit.
I will still be Jen. I will still communicate and banter and laugh. I will still express my wonder, my ruminations, and my love. However, instead of surrendering to the babbling of an overactive mind, I will do instead of say. To do lists are henceforth private, internalized. Bemoaning goals not achieved and whining about all the reasons I can't will no longer be allowed in my turn of phrase. I will still be Jen, but Jen is no longer permitted to sink to these lows anymore...
Because the truth is: they are not my lows. Most of this nay-saying comes from socially-imposed expectations. These words are verbal representations of my Catholic guilt. These are the silent, sometimes self-imposed judgments borne from missing the mark in a society where normal is an ever elusive goal. The worst of it is that, because I'd made mistakes during my troubled youth, I tricked myself into believing that not making these marks had doomed me to a life of failure.
And I'm done with it. I'm done letting it make me feel like I'm a lesser person than I am.
So I am taking a vow of silence.