Meep

Apr 22, 2009 21:57

Well, time for a long, rambling post about how absolutely confused I am.

You know, I miss high school.  I didn't worry about boys, or where I was living and working for the summer, or even what I was going to do with the rest of my life.  I'm pretty sure my biggest concerns were getting my homework done, and my plans for the weekend.  Now, I'm worried about what I'm going to do with myself, and boys.  I feel silly admitting that that's something I'm spending so much time freaking out over.  Why the hell does it matter so much?

I am so freaking confused.  I go from happy to so sad I don't ever want to move again, to so absolutely furious that I want to hurt people, just because.  And it's irrational.  I know it's irrational, and why can't I keep my goddamned moods under control?  (And LJ, I don't care if you don't think goddamned is a word.  It is now.)  And I am so happy that I'm dating someone I really care about, and that he cares about me, but god, I'm so scared.  I don't know where we stand, and he's graduating soon.  I want to know where we're at, but I'm really scared to ask, because I don't want to know the answer.  Dammit, this stuff didn't matter to me not all that long ago.  I used to be mostly okay with myself, and everything else, but I'm not anymore, and that scares the crap out of me.  I don't like being scared like this.

misery for its own sake

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