revelation
i just reread my life. a snippet anyway. it's just as true today as it was 5 or even 10 years ago - i have absolutely no control over my emotions. i've tried medication. being a recluse. being a social butterfly. a slut. a drug addict. an environmentalist. a student...not one thing is me. i am a series of experiences that continue to shape me. i wanted to be a teacher. an astronaut. and then...nothing. i have never once in my adult life wanted to be anything longer than the equivalent of a minute. i've always searched. for love. for friendship. an ideal. instead i'm alone on a couch. i've reached out but not one thing said made me feel better. i reminded someone of a terrible time in their life by my words and my actions. that is awful on a variety of levels. who wants to be a bad reminder? an irritant? and yet on some level i know i did this on purpose. i have an uncanny ability of knowing when someone can make me happy. i do my best to destroy it as soon as possible.
i want to believe in change. i want to believe that i can change. i want to believe that i'm not going to kill myself one day. i feel that coming closer. i have no vision of the future. maybe it's for a reason. i need help. i reject the help i have. it is not because of matt and my inability to act normal around him. it is not john and my inability to be close-mouthed. it is no one's influence. it is this brain that over-thinks. that over-analyzes. that burns. i do not say what i want to say. i do not do what i want to do. the reason? i do not know what i want to say or what i want to do.
i can't stop. thinking. aching. hurting. i finally told chris he hurt me. he apologized. i feel no closure. i know now that he is why i couldn't stop contacting matt. i was trying to get the answer from the wrong person. i feel ridiculous. it took me too long to figure this out. how is that for clarity? fuck up one because one fucked you over. not to say that i have any influence over matt at all. because i don't. one being any chance of a relationship. or friendship, really.
i hate myself. i always have. there are brief moments when i see my worth. then i remember the pain i've caused. i'm sure none of it has been long-lasting but still, i caused pain. i feel guilt every day of my life for things that i've done. no one should feel that way. it eats away what's left of my humanity.
i have never been completely honest with anyone.
crying gives me a headache. i'm tired but i know i'm going to have terrible dreams tonight so i'm avoiding it. i'm not working tomorrow. i want to fuck that up too.
the only thing i haven't fucked up yet is john. he must be next. i started on that today i think.
apparently i'm in a cursing mood today.
i should be dead.
i want to believe in change. i want to believe that i can change. i want to believe that i'm not going to kill myself one day. i feel that coming closer. i have no vision of the future. maybe it's for a reason. i need help. i reject the help i have. it is not because of matt and my inability to act normal around him. it is not john and my inability to be close-mouthed. it is no one's influence. it is this brain that over-thinks. that over-analyzes. that burns. i do not say what i want to say. i do not do what i want to do. the reason? i do not know what i want to say or what i want to do.
i can't stop. thinking. aching. hurting. i finally told chris he hurt me. he apologized. i feel no closure. i know now that he is why i couldn't stop contacting matt. i was trying to get the answer from the wrong person. i feel ridiculous. it took me too long to figure this out. how is that for clarity? fuck up one because one fucked you over. not to say that i have any influence over matt at all. because i don't. one being any chance of a relationship. or friendship, really.
i hate myself. i always have. there are brief moments when i see my worth. then i remember the pain i've caused. i'm sure none of it has been long-lasting but still, i caused pain. i feel guilt every day of my life for things that i've done. no one should feel that way. it eats away what's left of my humanity.
i have never been completely honest with anyone.
crying gives me a headache. i'm tired but i know i'm going to have terrible dreams tonight so i'm avoiding it. i'm not working tomorrow. i want to fuck that up too.
the only thing i haven't fucked up yet is john. he must be next. i started on that today i think.
apparently i'm in a cursing mood today.
i should be dead.