Missing you/Grieving alone
Ralf died 2.5 years ago. There are days when I think that I almost forget. I think of him and think of calling him. I need to get a new computer. Surely he'll be able to help me with the choices. Then I pick up the phone and start to dial his number, and realize that he won't be answering. And I get destroyed all over again. There is nobody to whom I could talk, nobody who grieves the way I do. Nobody who cares the same way I do.
Don't get me wrong. He had people in his life who loved him at some point. His daughter still does. His life partner - not so much. That is her right. But it leaves me alone. I can't go and speak of him and get somebody to say: "Yes, he was a wonderful man." His life partner has no filters and says nothing but negatives. There is no care of how much she hurts me. It's really about the way she sees herself as the arbiter of truth.
Samhain just passed. I wanted to go to the isle of apples, to visit with Ralf. Something blocked me. If I trust my gut, I'd say I did. No matter how much I speak of Ralf, no matter what I say, deep down, I don't think I have integrated his death at all. I don't know that it is real to me.