LOST & FOUND & LOST AGAIN
Oh my gosh! How times have changed. I changed computers and completely lost this site.
We are in a pandemic and I am working from home. That gives me time to clean my house. One of the benefits of cleaning is finding. And I found a booklet of password and web addresses. I found memories and impressions of myself from times past. I found a woman who still believed that good things were possible.
That woman doesn't exist any longer. At this point she is living because she is too afraid to die. Joy isn't in the cards any longer.
Nearly 2 years ago, the love of my life, my only child, my son of nearly 46 years suddenly died of a heart attack. Life is not the same any longer.
That day, a Saturday, at 10 am, I get a call from my daughter in law, though she and my son were never legally married, I call her that. "Are you sitting down? Please sit down. Are you sitting? Ralf died last night. I found him this morning, sitting on his chair with his eyes wide open. I yelled at him , I screamed at him. But he was already cold, he was already gone." I'm sure she said something else, but I must have pushed it aside. At some point, she gave me over to a police officer, who told me what I now had to do. I was the person who was legally responsible. Somehow, I pulled it together and told her what she needed. After that, all I remember was that I cried all day long. Hubby took over from there. I told him when I wanted to fly and he bought the tickets. I don't remember the flight, I don't remember how we got to Minnesota and my son's house. But I remember the look on my granddaughter's face. This completely not being able to comprehend. And I, the adult, was not capable of being there for her.
I don't remember what I want to remember. I remember walking my son to his cremation chamber and wondering why I wasn't howling. Afterwards I wanted to go to be at the side of the Mississippi River for a while, but hubby wanted to leave. But I don't remember the rest of the day. I don't know if I noticed how my granddaughter felt and acted.
After Ralf died, and since I have had a hard time with the guilt of not knowing that he was ill, with not doing enough. Did he know that I loved him beyond all reason? Did he know that I was struggling not to be controlling, to be a better mother? Each time I heard that there was something wrong, I wanted to jump in and fix it. He didn't like it. He voted differently than I did. Did I let him know that I still loved him? We argued and argued about politics. Did he know?
When he was growing up, we didn't have much money. I was gone a lot. I worked many hours. When I came home I was short tempered and often angry. I was a very stern parent. And maybe 6 months before he died he confided in me, that he had been molested. He thought I knew. All his life he thought that I didn't care and didn't protect him. How will I ever be able to forgive myself? Was I the one who showed him that he is not worth taking care of himself? Is that why he grew up eschewing medical advice? He has a daughter that he loved dearly. I don't think he willingly left her.
Getting tired and loosing my train of thought. I better finish here and continue in a later post.
#childloss #guilt #parenting #grief