(no subject)
Why did I act so bored, apathetic, and unattached in class today while we were having group discussion?
Because I don't want to say something that makes me look stupid. I'm afraid of speaking up.
Why are you afraid of speaking up?
Because I want to be seen as smart and insightful, and I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, something inarticulate or near-sighted, something stupid, something that doesn't make any real sense. I want to be lovable.
Why do you want to be seen as smart, insightful and lovable?
Because I need friends. I need people who love and appreciate me. I need to feel respected and lovable.
Why do you need to feel respected and lovable?
Because I worry that I'm actually neither respected, smart or lovable.
Why do you worry that you aren't smart, respectable or lovable?
Because I'm confused a lot. I don't feel confident in my beliefs about life. I feel unhappy--and if I'm unhappy, I must be doing something wrong, I must not be smart enough to find happiness or wisdom or insight. If I can't find happiness, wisdom or insight, I will never be lovable, and, of course, never be happy.
Why must being confused, unhappy, or wrong mean you aren't smart or aren't lovable?
Because only smart, alive, happy people are lovable.
Insight: That's not true. There is always something lovable about everyone. Unhappy or not, there are things to love about me. I am not just lovable when I am wise, insightful, or smart. I am not just my intelligence, not just my insight, not just my happiness. I am a lot of things, seen and unseen. I am lovable for a lot of reasons that cannot be made or unmade, lost or found. I am life--the ugly, the pretty, the indefinable. I am me, and I have been limiting my apprasial of myself to how happy, wise and insightful I am. This is folly. This is the source of my madness. I am not one part of the whole, only the good, or only the bad; only the beautiful, or only the sorrow. Being wrong, or looking stupid, doesn't mean I'm not smart. No one is smart or happy or wise all the time. No one knows all the answers, knows the path, earns all people's respect, or feels confident all the time. Everyone is wrong, sad, angry, and inarticulate now and then--and most of us either are that way, or feel that way, as much as we feel light-hearted, happy, insightful, and confident. We are human. And, yes, we are lovable, no matter how impossibly unlovable we feel.
While writing this, it became very difficult to concentrate, as it often does when I'm trying to write a journal entry. I had to stop and ask myself:
Why can't I concentrate when I'm writing this?
Because I'm afraid I won't come to the right insights. I feel as if coming to the wrong conclusion could vastly harm me.
Why am I afraid I won't come to the right insights? Why does not having the right answers vastly harm me?
Because I am a messed-up person. I'm afraid all the time. I could be getting more out of life.
Because I don't want to say something that makes me look stupid. I'm afraid of speaking up.
Why are you afraid of speaking up?
Because I want to be seen as smart and insightful, and I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, something inarticulate or near-sighted, something stupid, something that doesn't make any real sense. I want to be lovable.
Why do you want to be seen as smart, insightful and lovable?
Because I need friends. I need people who love and appreciate me. I need to feel respected and lovable.
Why do you need to feel respected and lovable?
Because I worry that I'm actually neither respected, smart or lovable.
Why do you worry that you aren't smart, respectable or lovable?
Because I'm confused a lot. I don't feel confident in my beliefs about life. I feel unhappy--and if I'm unhappy, I must be doing something wrong, I must not be smart enough to find happiness or wisdom or insight. If I can't find happiness, wisdom or insight, I will never be lovable, and, of course, never be happy.
Why must being confused, unhappy, or wrong mean you aren't smart or aren't lovable?
Because only smart, alive, happy people are lovable.
Insight: That's not true. There is always something lovable about everyone. Unhappy or not, there are things to love about me. I am not just lovable when I am wise, insightful, or smart. I am not just my intelligence, not just my insight, not just my happiness. I am a lot of things, seen and unseen. I am lovable for a lot of reasons that cannot be made or unmade, lost or found. I am life--the ugly, the pretty, the indefinable. I am me, and I have been limiting my apprasial of myself to how happy, wise and insightful I am. This is folly. This is the source of my madness. I am not one part of the whole, only the good, or only the bad; only the beautiful, or only the sorrow. Being wrong, or looking stupid, doesn't mean I'm not smart. No one is smart or happy or wise all the time. No one knows all the answers, knows the path, earns all people's respect, or feels confident all the time. Everyone is wrong, sad, angry, and inarticulate now and then--and most of us either are that way, or feel that way, as much as we feel light-hearted, happy, insightful, and confident. We are human. And, yes, we are lovable, no matter how impossibly unlovable we feel.
While writing this, it became very difficult to concentrate, as it often does when I'm trying to write a journal entry. I had to stop and ask myself:
Why can't I concentrate when I'm writing this?
Because I'm afraid I won't come to the right insights. I feel as if coming to the wrong conclusion could vastly harm me.
Why am I afraid I won't come to the right insights? Why does not having the right answers vastly harm me?
Because I am a messed-up person. I'm afraid all the time. I could be getting more out of life.