(no subject)
I'm an anxious person. I think that defines me. Honestly, I'm not the most ideal person to date, unless we're extraordinarily (think about the words: extra, ordinary) similar. I won't be able to make up for our differences. I'm not, on the whole, particularly happy. It's really not my fault. Fault, by the way, doesn't REALLY, if we know much about how the brain works and if we really think about it, exist. It can't possibly. If you want to know why I think that, ask, and see me struggle to communicate why I believe it. I just know, down deep, down down down down, that it's true. It makes some clear, immutable sense, somehow.
That aside, if ever I do manage to get past my anxiety, if there is ever a day when I become, on the whole, rather happy, and rather normal, I think I could really BE something. Do you ever feel like that? As if, if you could get past your demons, you could really, really BE something? I don't think of it as an ego boost, something that I just "believe in" to make me "feel better," although, knowing human nature, it may well be. I think of it as the gods-honest truth. I don't believe in making yourself feel better simply by comparing yourself to less fortunate people, who invariably rank as somehow inferior. It's a sham. Why do some have to gain at the expense of others when all have something valuable to offer, when there is no absolute "right" or "wrong" to anything, other than the golden rule: what works, and what doesn't?
You can tell I spend a lot of time in my head. It's a frightening place, if you've ever been there. But there's some joy--some real hope, too. It's certainly not ALL bad. There's something that you can well and truly love, even if it's a rarity that you--you, the normal person, the person I interact with most of the time--can actually see it. It's a rare find, even for me, and I AM me.
And it's not my fault. All social rules aside--all rules which dictate that I cannot imply that there is anything inherently wrong with me, aside--it's not my fault.