if you want me why cant you get closer?
so the plays went pretty well
looking back on the past couple of weeks...
i dont know
it just seems like nothing happened...
but when i compare the start of the semester
to this point
everything has changed.
its weird how everything flows
and even when its not smooth...
how you can get around the bumps by taking a different path
you know?
you dont?
ok..
whatev
next semester will be fun as well
we've made some pretty awesome new friends
and i'm going to be the lead in the next play...
i'm excited.
i try not to look like it or act like it
because i dont want anyone to get mad at me
but i def am
so the only thing i kinda regret is
not hanging out with everyone as much during the play...
but at the same time
i dont because travis and i are getting closer
but in a weird way.
like
we havent hung out together yet...coughsobercough...
but he calls me and we talk for hours
something that never happened when we first went out
so i'm trying this "dating thing"
for now
we'll see how it goes...
and now that the plays over i can separate the two things
so that each can be equally as enjoyable.
so i have to do 2 monologues on friday
i have one down
and i had no idea what to do for the second
so i went to my community for free writing
and i chose two old freewrites that i did...
i'm thinking of doing one.
which one would be better?
free write #1
I am extra cold and these blankets, though there are so many, not one of them is living. not one of them is breathing and not one of them even attempts to be. it’s easier to lie here and know you will only have one purpose in life. i lay here thinking about how there can’t be one great meaning to life and i choke on the word meaning.
meanings change. you can say that you love me and then not see me for the next two years of your life and all of this repeats in my mind but it means so much less to me now…almost nothing…but it randomly come up.
meanings are stupid. but it did change me. i admit that i don’t know love, and when thinking about it i may not even know how to love but that will never stop me. other things stop me, but that will not stop me.
i write a lot in my head when things happen and then i forget my mind is not like paper. and then after that i even forget the things that happened.
i wrote this in my head today:
driving distractions. life outside the glass…
for my dad it was the mill pond.
for me it was the playground next to the mill pond.
i hit the brakes and i slowed down.
i stopped extra long at the stop sign
he turned his head and he slowed down…
and i felt like we were in some secret time machine looking through the windows that would allow us access to so many memories, so many feelings, of so much that has passed.
and passed has passed, they say.
parts of you have passed…at least they haven’t failed…
the tape on my wall is telling me that its time to give up useless memories, so used up they give way falling behind my bed. i’m not even in the pictures anymore. i’m on the bed watching them fall…watching them start becoming lost so one day i can change my room and find the long lost evidence of major changes.
but i see evidence all around me…sometimes not as clear as his smile in this picture…but to me it is even more evident.
nothing is permanent when it comes to memories. you tried to capture it all but really all you are capturing is moments in the memories.
posed or in motion it is captured and held as a captive and no matter how much ransomed tears you pay, you’ll never get them back.
does this bother you? it starts to with me sometimes… and i know not what to do except keep writing, keep going, keep in motion. sometimes i wish that nothing was held captive. and then i look at your faces…in a falling picture and smile. how can you not want to hold it?
not tonight.
…i let it fall.
free write #2
I wanted to be a writer. i wanted to be a dreamer, but i know that without one you cant be the other
they dont believe me. i dont care. i wish i could. i wish he would.
i get scared to see what i think might be the potential start of my heart breaking down.
to the very last beat till nothing moves or pumps or even tickles.
and a word here and there shouldnt make me feel so much.
a word here and there makes me smile and the sharp and pointy edges of that smile pop my bubble filled with memories. everything deflates out of me and i am just a trash bad.
a wrinkled pushed around trash bag, ripped left lying on a bed.
people walk by me and throw things in me, they throw them at me, trying to fill me up,
its just not what i need to lie around all day with this garbage inside of me.
its getting old. i'm getting old.
and i smile at how someone can mean nothing to me.
and i frown because its the only thing i can do, and still it reminds me of you.
what you said, what i said, what was said, and what was done.
nothing.
i never witnessed a person as lazy as you when you just stop something that could have been great all because your lack of life.
i wonder if it makes you sad. i wonder if you can feel sad. i wonder if you can feel at all and it makes me roll my eyes.
why do we have to wonder these things at all? we have mouths and brains. why are you so subtle when anything can be answered and anything can be asked?
(shake head)
I mean, here we are, sitting here, wasting.
here we are, sitting here wasted.
i'm not cutting them
because i forgot how
so deal.
oh and please leave a comment.
i guess thats all for now bitches.
see you soon.
looking back on the past couple of weeks...
i dont know
it just seems like nothing happened...
but when i compare the start of the semester
to this point
everything has changed.
its weird how everything flows
and even when its not smooth...
how you can get around the bumps by taking a different path
you know?
you dont?
ok..
whatev
next semester will be fun as well
we've made some pretty awesome new friends
and i'm going to be the lead in the next play...
i'm excited.
i try not to look like it or act like it
because i dont want anyone to get mad at me
but i def am
so the only thing i kinda regret is
not hanging out with everyone as much during the play...
but at the same time
i dont because travis and i are getting closer
but in a weird way.
like
we havent hung out together yet...coughsobercough...
but he calls me and we talk for hours
something that never happened when we first went out
so i'm trying this "dating thing"
for now
we'll see how it goes...
and now that the plays over i can separate the two things
so that each can be equally as enjoyable.
so i have to do 2 monologues on friday
i have one down
and i had no idea what to do for the second
so i went to my community for free writing
and i chose two old freewrites that i did...
i'm thinking of doing one.
which one would be better?
free write #1
I am extra cold and these blankets, though there are so many, not one of them is living. not one of them is breathing and not one of them even attempts to be. it’s easier to lie here and know you will only have one purpose in life. i lay here thinking about how there can’t be one great meaning to life and i choke on the word meaning.
meanings change. you can say that you love me and then not see me for the next two years of your life and all of this repeats in my mind but it means so much less to me now…almost nothing…but it randomly come up.
meanings are stupid. but it did change me. i admit that i don’t know love, and when thinking about it i may not even know how to love but that will never stop me. other things stop me, but that will not stop me.
i write a lot in my head when things happen and then i forget my mind is not like paper. and then after that i even forget the things that happened.
i wrote this in my head today:
driving distractions. life outside the glass…
for my dad it was the mill pond.
for me it was the playground next to the mill pond.
i hit the brakes and i slowed down.
i stopped extra long at the stop sign
he turned his head and he slowed down…
and i felt like we were in some secret time machine looking through the windows that would allow us access to so many memories, so many feelings, of so much that has passed.
and passed has passed, they say.
parts of you have passed…at least they haven’t failed…
the tape on my wall is telling me that its time to give up useless memories, so used up they give way falling behind my bed. i’m not even in the pictures anymore. i’m on the bed watching them fall…watching them start becoming lost so one day i can change my room and find the long lost evidence of major changes.
but i see evidence all around me…sometimes not as clear as his smile in this picture…but to me it is even more evident.
nothing is permanent when it comes to memories. you tried to capture it all but really all you are capturing is moments in the memories.
posed or in motion it is captured and held as a captive and no matter how much ransomed tears you pay, you’ll never get them back.
does this bother you? it starts to with me sometimes… and i know not what to do except keep writing, keep going, keep in motion. sometimes i wish that nothing was held captive. and then i look at your faces…in a falling picture and smile. how can you not want to hold it?
not tonight.
…i let it fall.
free write #2
I wanted to be a writer. i wanted to be a dreamer, but i know that without one you cant be the other
they dont believe me. i dont care. i wish i could. i wish he would.
i get scared to see what i think might be the potential start of my heart breaking down.
to the very last beat till nothing moves or pumps or even tickles.
and a word here and there shouldnt make me feel so much.
a word here and there makes me smile and the sharp and pointy edges of that smile pop my bubble filled with memories. everything deflates out of me and i am just a trash bad.
a wrinkled pushed around trash bag, ripped left lying on a bed.
people walk by me and throw things in me, they throw them at me, trying to fill me up,
its just not what i need to lie around all day with this garbage inside of me.
its getting old. i'm getting old.
and i smile at how someone can mean nothing to me.
and i frown because its the only thing i can do, and still it reminds me of you.
what you said, what i said, what was said, and what was done.
nothing.
i never witnessed a person as lazy as you when you just stop something that could have been great all because your lack of life.
i wonder if it makes you sad. i wonder if you can feel sad. i wonder if you can feel at all and it makes me roll my eyes.
why do we have to wonder these things at all? we have mouths and brains. why are you so subtle when anything can be answered and anything can be asked?
(shake head)
I mean, here we are, sitting here, wasting.
here we are, sitting here wasted.
i'm not cutting them
because i forgot how
so deal.
oh and please leave a comment.
i guess thats all for now bitches.
see you soon.