(copy from journal - ... )
Just Down
I haven't really felt like writing an entry lately. Mainly because I've got nothing but negativity and severe down things to talk about. (And who wants to read that?) Last Tuesday, Love's at work and the CFO of his company calls him to his office saying way back in September of 2007, Love had gotten an advance of $75 and somehow, it fell through the cracks until now and since they're closing the books they need the $75 that day. Neither the CFO nor Love remembered a $75 advance but it was in the books, so guess what? Had to pay it. The following day, Wednesday, Love had his doctor's appointment for his suspected bronchitis. It was over a two-hour appointment (and hour and a half of which I sat alone and beyond bored in the lobby until the nurse took pity on me and brought me back to sit with Love instead) and because Love's insurance just changed, instead of a straight co-pay for the visit, he now has to pay 30% of the total. Which we didn't know and weren't expecting. So, yay! His co-pay turned out to be $73.50 and then another $15 for prescriptions. (It was bronchitis.)
So in the course of 24 hours, we wound up spending near $200 that we didn't have to spend. I mean, I don't begrudge him the need to go to the doctor for bronchitis. Not at all. But we were expecting it to be like $30 or something, not $90 including the scripts. And no one was expecting the weird $75 he had to pay his work. Suddenly, we went to absolute penniless state and we hadn't even paid on the car loan this month. Nor the $50 I owe my friend Rand for fronting me the cash to get the tag on my car.
Now we've got literally $6 total to our names until payday on Thursday (since Friday is a holiday) but payday won't matter because it's rent check and his check is going to be short from taking a day off when he was sick. When it's rent check week, with a full check, we pay rent and have literally about $100 left over to last us for the next two weeks. And since we're already behind and broke - out of everything in the house in terms of food and household supplies - and since his check is going to be short, I'm not even sure we'll meet rent, let alone rent and have anything to live off of for the next two weeks.
Oh yeah and somehow we're supposed to come up with hundreds and hundreds of dollars by mid-July because we have to drive up to North Carolina for his newly-discovered sister's wedding. (Which also involves needing a hotel for two nights AND a wedding present.) This literally isn't going to happen and yet, not going isn't an option either. But it's at the point where we can basically pay rent or go to the wedding for July but not both. I'm sorry, but I know which is more important to me.
I've put out applications everywhere around me. I've followed up with all of the businesses, trying to get five minutes of face time to "sell" myself and try to get an interview. I can't even get a call back let alone an interview. Supermarket, Target, Lowe's - you name it, I've dropped off an application. Nada. Nothing. No response. What exactly else am I suppose to do if I can't even get them to call me back?? I update my site regularly with new things - but most people don't have cash to spend right now either. So nobody's buying. I can't even count on the little $20 order here-and-there to help out like it normally does.
It's not like I'm not trying. I am. But nothing's coming of any of it. Meanwhile, we're just falling deeper and deeper in the hole and I'm just out of ideas and options. We can't get ahead because we can't even get caught up! Hell, the only reason I have the $6 in my wallet at all is that I found $11 laying on the ground on Saturday and I've got six left. Seriously. It's just that bad. We can't borrow money from anyone because (a) we either already owe them money or (b) can't get ahead enough to ever actually pay them back. I don't have a credit card, so if we don't have cash to buy something - like food - oh well, it just doesn't get bought. And it's not like we're blowing our money on all this extra stuff. I mean, neither of us even has a cell phone or anything! There's no credit cards, no cell, no debts (other than the car but that's a necessity not a luxury) so there's nothing to "cut back on."
I read these "ways to save money each month" articles and it's the most absurd shit like "don't buy a $5 coffee everyday and you'll be amazed at how much you save!" Well first off, no shit, Sherlock. Secondly, no one in this house is ever spending cash on fru-fru coffee like that. Even if we drank coffee, we wouldn't have the money for that much cost each day. Then it's things like "don't pay for dog walking or grooming - do it yourself!" (Yeah not an issue in my life either.) Or, "cut back on your weekly manicures and pedicures!" (What manicures or pedicures? I've had exactly ONE pedicure in my life and that's only because I had a coupon that got it basically for free.) All these "save money" articles expect that you're living high on the hog and not already wallowing in the muck. I'm sorry, I haven't even bought myself a new toothbrush head for my Sonicare (that the only reason I own is because I got it free in a BzzAgent kit) despite the fact that I've been using the same one for seven months (recommended change? every three) because it's $28 for a three pack of heads (can't buy just one) and I don't have $28 to spend on something as frivolous as my dental health. My last haircut was in January. Not exactly glamorous living here.
Hell, I owe $20 to Dreamhost because I haven't been able to even pay the $9.95 a month hosting charge last month or this month. They'll be shutting down PhoenixFire Designs any day now until I pay them. But I can't and once they suspend it, it's kinda unlikely I'll be making any money from the site to be able to pay it, you know?
So all of this is why I haven't written an entry. Why bother? No one wants to hear it and no one cares that I'm at a point in my life where I literally don't know where the money for my next meal is going to be, let alone how we're going to put enough gas in Love's car so he can get to work all week. It's disgusting and pathetic and I'm just so very, very sick of it all.
Jane, get me off this crazy thing called life.
I haven't really felt like writing an entry lately. Mainly because I've got nothing but negativity and severe down things to talk about. (And who wants to read that?) Last Tuesday, Love's at work and the CFO of his company calls him to his office saying way back in September of 2007, Love had gotten an advance of $75 and somehow, it fell through the cracks until now and since they're closing the books they need the $75 that day. Neither the CFO nor Love remembered a $75 advance but it was in the books, so guess what? Had to pay it. The following day, Wednesday, Love had his doctor's appointment for his suspected bronchitis. It was over a two-hour appointment (and hour and a half of which I sat alone and beyond bored in the lobby until the nurse took pity on me and brought me back to sit with Love instead) and because Love's insurance just changed, instead of a straight co-pay for the visit, he now has to pay 30% of the total. Which we didn't know and weren't expecting. So, yay! His co-pay turned out to be $73.50 and then another $15 for prescriptions. (It was bronchitis.)
So in the course of 24 hours, we wound up spending near $200 that we didn't have to spend. I mean, I don't begrudge him the need to go to the doctor for bronchitis. Not at all. But we were expecting it to be like $30 or something, not $90 including the scripts. And no one was expecting the weird $75 he had to pay his work. Suddenly, we went to absolute penniless state and we hadn't even paid on the car loan this month. Nor the $50 I owe my friend Rand for fronting me the cash to get the tag on my car.
Now we've got literally $6 total to our names until payday on Thursday (since Friday is a holiday) but payday won't matter because it's rent check and his check is going to be short from taking a day off when he was sick. When it's rent check week, with a full check, we pay rent and have literally about $100 left over to last us for the next two weeks. And since we're already behind and broke - out of everything in the house in terms of food and household supplies - and since his check is going to be short, I'm not even sure we'll meet rent, let alone rent and have anything to live off of for the next two weeks.
Oh yeah and somehow we're supposed to come up with hundreds and hundreds of dollars by mid-July because we have to drive up to North Carolina for his newly-discovered sister's wedding. (Which also involves needing a hotel for two nights AND a wedding present.) This literally isn't going to happen and yet, not going isn't an option either. But it's at the point where we can basically pay rent or go to the wedding for July but not both. I'm sorry, but I know which is more important to me.
I've put out applications everywhere around me. I've followed up with all of the businesses, trying to get five minutes of face time to "sell" myself and try to get an interview. I can't even get a call back let alone an interview. Supermarket, Target, Lowe's - you name it, I've dropped off an application. Nada. Nothing. No response. What exactly else am I suppose to do if I can't even get them to call me back?? I update my site regularly with new things - but most people don't have cash to spend right now either. So nobody's buying. I can't even count on the little $20 order here-and-there to help out like it normally does.
It's not like I'm not trying. I am. But nothing's coming of any of it. Meanwhile, we're just falling deeper and deeper in the hole and I'm just out of ideas and options. We can't get ahead because we can't even get caught up! Hell, the only reason I have the $6 in my wallet at all is that I found $11 laying on the ground on Saturday and I've got six left. Seriously. It's just that bad. We can't borrow money from anyone because (a) we either already owe them money or (b) can't get ahead enough to ever actually pay them back. I don't have a credit card, so if we don't have cash to buy something - like food - oh well, it just doesn't get bought. And it's not like we're blowing our money on all this extra stuff. I mean, neither of us even has a cell phone or anything! There's no credit cards, no cell, no debts (other than the car but that's a necessity not a luxury) so there's nothing to "cut back on."
I read these "ways to save money each month" articles and it's the most absurd shit like "don't buy a $5 coffee everyday and you'll be amazed at how much you save!" Well first off, no shit, Sherlock. Secondly, no one in this house is ever spending cash on fru-fru coffee like that. Even if we drank coffee, we wouldn't have the money for that much cost each day. Then it's things like "don't pay for dog walking or grooming - do it yourself!" (Yeah not an issue in my life either.) Or, "cut back on your weekly manicures and pedicures!" (What manicures or pedicures? I've had exactly ONE pedicure in my life and that's only because I had a coupon that got it basically for free.) All these "save money" articles expect that you're living high on the hog and not already wallowing in the muck. I'm sorry, I haven't even bought myself a new toothbrush head for my Sonicare (that the only reason I own is because I got it free in a BzzAgent kit) despite the fact that I've been using the same one for seven months (recommended change? every three) because it's $28 for a three pack of heads (can't buy just one) and I don't have $28 to spend on something as frivolous as my dental health. My last haircut was in January. Not exactly glamorous living here.
Hell, I owe $20 to Dreamhost because I haven't been able to even pay the $9.95 a month hosting charge last month or this month. They'll be shutting down PhoenixFire Designs any day now until I pay them. But I can't and once they suspend it, it's kinda unlikely I'll be making any money from the site to be able to pay it, you know?
So all of this is why I haven't written an entry. Why bother? No one wants to hear it and no one cares that I'm at a point in my life where I literally don't know where the money for my next meal is going to be, let alone how we're going to put enough gas in Love's car so he can get to work all week. It's disgusting and pathetic and I'm just so very, very sick of it all.
Jane, get me off this crazy thing called life.