(copy from journal - please back off)
Touchy Feely
I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person. I'm not the kind of person who's ever been comfortable with casual contact. I don't know if it's that I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, or a byproduct of my damaged and warped childhood experiences or something else entirely. But all I know is that I'm not the kind of person who, generally speaking, wants to touch or be touched.
Let me give an example. One of the things I hate with a barely contained, fiery passion is the practice of holding hands during a prayer at a meal. Beyond the obvious annoyance with the forced communal praying and implied, required religious perspective, the sheer fact that prior to eating, I must grasp the hands of the people next to me. Ugh. Even thinking of it gives me a case of the chills. It's not that I'm OCD and I'm consumed with the fears of germs or disease, but there is a level of being soiled to the whole process that turns my stomach. I don't have any desire to take the hand of the person next to me whether it's a relative or a friend. It just disturbs me on a level that lacks logical, rational thought, but is, nonetheless, quite deeply at my core.
And it's not just holding hands, but any sort of casual, physical proximity that makes me feel that shivery, cold chills just under the surface of my skin. People sitting to close to me; people brushing against me in public; someone giving you a friendly "pat" on the shoulder - all of it is so invasive to me. Don't they know to back off? Can't they see I am shrinking away from their outreaching touch?
Even as I write this out, I can't help but think how strange this must sound. As if I were some highly flawed or damaged goods in need of medication or therapy. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being a person who rather not be so commonly touched any more than there are people who are big "huggers." Whatever works for the person should be satisfactory for the rest of the world and shouldn't be viewed with disdain or concern.
I reserve myself and my personal space I suppose. I don't want this to come off as harsher than I intend it. It's not that I am opposed to ever having physical contact with other human beings, but rather that there are very few for whom I wish such a relationship. And no, this isn't a sexual commentary. I truly mean casual contact as just that - a handshake, a hug, a pat or other benign touch. It takes a lot for me to accept someone into that realm of physicality. And the world is often clearly divided for me in the "good" and "bad" touch. People that reach out in physical proximity who rank on the "bad" side of things leave me so bothered. They have no idea that I'm disturbed by such simple, common actions and I would never have it in me to say something. (Unless of course, it became inappropriate on a societal scale.) But still, such touches leave me so bothered. I shudder internally, grin and bear it and try to move away as swiftly as the situation allows. (And dread the inevitable touch that will come again at some other point in time.)
I don't think I'm helping my cause the more I type this. (Ha) It seems that as I attempt to explain, all I do is further alienate people's perceptions of me. Ah, well, nothing to do be done about it I suppose. I know there are many who won't be able to relate to this stream-of-consciousness post and some who might even be offended by such viewpoints. Nonetheless, they are as they are and they are mine, so if any a place I can express such thoughts it is here, on my own site in my own words. Though I can't help but wonder if I'm not alone in my feelings. If there are those who will read this and will find commonality in my words and relate to what I feel. How does one go about the world wanting more space and room than most people realize and maintain their mental balance? I don't know. Perhaps those of you who might read and relate to this can share any tips you might have found.
To countermand anyone's revulsion before I finish, let me just state that the opposite is also true. Those for whom I do not mind casual physicality, it is as equally wonderful an experience as the unwanted is unpleasant. To hug someone I love is a deeply moving experience for me. Or to pet and receive affection from my kitties is utterly heart-warming. Perhaps then, it's not so much that I have a problem with touch, but rather that I feel things far too much and too strongly, and such simple connections with others therefore become too much for me to enjoy. Either way, I am not a touchy-feely person. And I do not want the world at large to touch me. I just wish there were a way of announcing that to save myself the uncomfortablenesses of such situations and to save the person offering such touch the offense they might perceive from my recoil. Said too often for people to readily believe, in this case it's truly the truth: it's not you, it's me.
I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person. I'm not the kind of person who's ever been comfortable with casual contact. I don't know if it's that I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, or a byproduct of my damaged and warped childhood experiences or something else entirely. But all I know is that I'm not the kind of person who, generally speaking, wants to touch or be touched.
Let me give an example. One of the things I hate with a barely contained, fiery passion is the practice of holding hands during a prayer at a meal. Beyond the obvious annoyance with the forced communal praying and implied, required religious perspective, the sheer fact that prior to eating, I must grasp the hands of the people next to me. Ugh. Even thinking of it gives me a case of the chills. It's not that I'm OCD and I'm consumed with the fears of germs or disease, but there is a level of being soiled to the whole process that turns my stomach. I don't have any desire to take the hand of the person next to me whether it's a relative or a friend. It just disturbs me on a level that lacks logical, rational thought, but is, nonetheless, quite deeply at my core.
And it's not just holding hands, but any sort of casual, physical proximity that makes me feel that shivery, cold chills just under the surface of my skin. People sitting to close to me; people brushing against me in public; someone giving you a friendly "pat" on the shoulder - all of it is so invasive to me. Don't they know to back off? Can't they see I am shrinking away from their outreaching touch?
Even as I write this out, I can't help but think how strange this must sound. As if I were some highly flawed or damaged goods in need of medication or therapy. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being a person who rather not be so commonly touched any more than there are people who are big "huggers." Whatever works for the person should be satisfactory for the rest of the world and shouldn't be viewed with disdain or concern.
I reserve myself and my personal space I suppose. I don't want this to come off as harsher than I intend it. It's not that I am opposed to ever having physical contact with other human beings, but rather that there are very few for whom I wish such a relationship. And no, this isn't a sexual commentary. I truly mean casual contact as just that - a handshake, a hug, a pat or other benign touch. It takes a lot for me to accept someone into that realm of physicality. And the world is often clearly divided for me in the "good" and "bad" touch. People that reach out in physical proximity who rank on the "bad" side of things leave me so bothered. They have no idea that I'm disturbed by such simple, common actions and I would never have it in me to say something. (Unless of course, it became inappropriate on a societal scale.) But still, such touches leave me so bothered. I shudder internally, grin and bear it and try to move away as swiftly as the situation allows. (And dread the inevitable touch that will come again at some other point in time.)
I don't think I'm helping my cause the more I type this. (Ha) It seems that as I attempt to explain, all I do is further alienate people's perceptions of me. Ah, well, nothing to do be done about it I suppose. I know there are many who won't be able to relate to this stream-of-consciousness post and some who might even be offended by such viewpoints. Nonetheless, they are as they are and they are mine, so if any a place I can express such thoughts it is here, on my own site in my own words. Though I can't help but wonder if I'm not alone in my feelings. If there are those who will read this and will find commonality in my words and relate to what I feel. How does one go about the world wanting more space and room than most people realize and maintain their mental balance? I don't know. Perhaps those of you who might read and relate to this can share any tips you might have found.
To countermand anyone's revulsion before I finish, let me just state that the opposite is also true. Those for whom I do not mind casual physicality, it is as equally wonderful an experience as the unwanted is unpleasant. To hug someone I love is a deeply moving experience for me. Or to pet and receive affection from my kitties is utterly heart-warming. Perhaps then, it's not so much that I have a problem with touch, but rather that I feel things far too much and too strongly, and such simple connections with others therefore become too much for me to enjoy. Either way, I am not a touchy-feely person. And I do not want the world at large to touch me. I just wish there were a way of announcing that to save myself the uncomfortablenesses of such situations and to save the person offering such touch the offense they might perceive from my recoil. Said too often for people to readily believe, in this case it's truly the truth: it's not you, it's me.