Då kommer lilla Gerhard hem till mig,och häver sig på tå och säger vem i hela värden kan man lita på
Title: This Book Is All Lies
Author: Emelie
Pairing: Gerard/Frank (sort of)
Rating: PG-13/R
Summary: One day a new guy shows up, and changes everything.
Note: I own nothing of this, not even the plot. It’s based on Peter Pohl’s wonderful book “Janne, Min Vän” (Go read it! The English title is “Jonny, my friend”) Nothing will ever come up to the greatness of that book, this story will just hide in the shadows while the original shines.
Note 2: Thanks to milliejupiter for beta! And a special thank you to everyone who rewieved chapter 9, that mean much to me. Also a special thank you to everyone who made this story possible, mostly _belsibub_ marre_barre and heaven_sent22, I love you.
| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine |
It is crowded outside the big circus tent, kids are running around happily and their parents are trying to keep track of them.
You try to look confident and secure as you make your way inside to get your seat. But you feel like an alien that is allergic to oxygen, a ghost that is being blown away by the wind, a wind that tears its fragile body.
Your seat is pretty close to the ring, about five rows back. That is the best thing about being alone, you don't take up much space.
It seems like an eternity of sitting at that hard wooden bench until the show starts. You feel a big jolt of relief as soon as things begin to happen, but that feeling is soon replaced with even more restless waiting. You find no joy at all in looking at clowns trying to be funny, horses that can walk in a straight row or elephants that can step up on a box. And the unnaturally lithe girl who does tricks with a big ball just looks like bad porn.
You are definitely too old to find any amusement in this any more.
Finally the number you had been waiting for comes. High up in the air, at a rope the person you thought you knew are cycling on a unicycle. The person you used to call Gerard.
You can see her face clearly from your spot, or at least as clearly as it is possible at this distance. She is smiling, a smile that reminds you that even if you know nothing about her, your previous year has revolved around her. You know every line of that face, you know how it feels and how it tastes. But you don't know this form it's presented in. And that smile, you can tell it is fake. It is not that smile he gave you at those times he was really happy. Or she. You don't know how to refer to that person any more.
Suddenly you feel tears run down your cheeks. Tears of loss and longing after something that never was. Tears that have been building up inside you since you first saw Gerard on that poster this afternoon. And through your tear-dazed eyes the girl in the ring looks even more like the Gerard you know, as she thanks the applauding audience
You don't applaud though, you try to dry your tears.
*
When the show is over you go to the backside of the tent, where the circus has its camp. You need to talk to Gerard, you need to find her. You need to at least know her real name.
There's a fence surrounding the camp, probably to keep visitors away. It doesn’t surprise you, but it makes you feel even more miserable than you already did.
You stay beside the fence, looking at the other side, in hope of seeing Gerard or at lest get a clue to how you can get inside.
There are people walking around, looking busy. Someone is shouting and soon after a little boy comes running. You look sadly at him, he sticks out his tongue at you before running away again.
After a while a man comes up to you, he is thin and bald, his head makes you think of an egg.
"Don't you have anything better to do than standing here staring?" he asks disagreeably.
"I... I'm looking for someone..." you say hesitantly.
"Who?"
"Umm..." you realise that you don't know what to say or how to explain who you are looking for. The name Gerard probably won't ring any bell for him. "The girl with the unicycle?" you try finally. You really must seem like some kind of stalker to him. Stalkers use to know the name of their victims though, but a stalker of the first level.
"Haven't seen her," he shrugs and starts to walk away.
"Wait!" He turns around and you bite your tongue, why did you say anything?
"C... can you tell her I'm looking for her?"
"Who are you?"
"Just... someone," you sight, knowing that it if you tell the man who you are and he tells Gerard, she would defiantly not show up. Or at least that’s how the Gerard you knew would react.
The man gives you a weird glance and walks off, for good this time.
You sit down on the ground, resting your head in your hands, debating with yourself if you will stay or not. The ground in front of the tent is almost empty now. You feel a bit stupid for staying, but you had already made a fool out of yourself, so why not do it again? You decide to give it 30 minutes, and if nothing happens you will go home and forget that Gerard ever existed. Or at least try to.
You hear people walking and talking at the other side of the fence and a dog’s loud barking, but nothing that tells you that your waiting is over.
After 15 minutes you decide to stand up again and after 20 you start jumping around a little, as it’s getting really cold. After 35 minutes you have still not left your spot, but you think about doing it. After 40 minutes you realise that you just missed the bus home and that the next one will leave in about a half hour. You kick yourself mentally for not giving up hope.
Suddenly you see the man you talked to before coming from behind one of the trailers. You want to run away, so he won’t see you again, but you can’t force yourself to move. He is talking to someone, and you are too familiar with that voice.
You are prepared when she turns around the corner, but she isn’t. For a moment your eyes meet, before she tires to back away around the corner again. But it’s too late.
"Frank…" Your eyes meet again. As long as you look at her face you can still pretend it is your Gerard. Her hair is down now and there’s no make up left, just like you are used to see it. "What are you doing here?"
You shrug, not really knowing how to answer that question. You’re not sure you know the answer yourself any more.
"Do you know, from the first time I saw you, you reminded me of Snow White." That wasn’t meant to come out as coldly as it did.
"I was going to tell you" she looks at the ground, "I was… I… you… you weren’t supposed to find out like this…"
"But I did."
"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… you said you would forgive me whatever I did…"
That is true, you did, but you didn’t count on this. Does that old promise really last now? It wasn't even two weeks ago, but it seems like an eternity.
She reaches out her hand to touch your cheek, but you step back, knowing that you might throw up if she touches you.
"Frank," she pleads, "can’t you just smile?"
You shake your head, what reasons do you have to smile?
"What’s your name?" you ask coldly.
"Gemma."
You look quietly at each other for a moment. You notice that the egg-headed man is gone now, but there is someone else coming. A man that looks strangely like a troll.
He reaches Gemma without her noticing anything, and when he grabs her upper arm roughly she jumps in surprise.
"You’re not allowed to be here," he snaps, trying to pull her away. As you hear the voice you remember that this man is the same at the man in the shop Gerard took you to a few weeks ago.
"Frank…" she says quietly looking back at you with those big, sad hazel eyes you grown you love.
You take one more step back.
"Fuck you," you hiss like a venomous snake, "I hate you, your fucking liar!" You turn around and run away, from her, from everything.
*
Behind the circus is a small hill. Before it was covered in trees, but they have been cut down to make space for the nearby graveyard to expand. Yet nothing more has happened since the trees were destroyed.
You are sitting on the hill, looking at a road on the other side of the hill as it disappears into a forest. It’s peaceful up here, a perfect place to sit at when you want to be alone, and that’s what you want.
You don’t know how long you have been sitting here, it could have been an hour or just a few minutes, when you hear steps behind you. The steps are walking up behind you, but you have no energy left to turn your head and see who it is. And in some way you know it is Gerard. Or maybe you should start calling her Gemma, even though it feels wrong.
"Why are you still here?" As long as you don’t turn around you can pretend it is Gerard. You shrug, you are here. Is that forbidden?
"You’re cold," she says, sitting down beside you and wrapping her arms around you. You sigh and stare at the road.
The only thing you can see of the person beside you is hands and black sleeves. She is wearing the same shirt Gerard used to. Suddenly you feel tears well up in your eyes again. It seems like your inner stock of tears never will run dry today. You close your eyes and turn your head, nuzzling it into her neck, letting her shoulder long hair cover your face. She rocks you slowly, and you can almost believe that it still is Gerard.
"Do you know what Frank," she says. You shake your head, how could you know? "I’ve never been really happy before, until I met you. Please give me one more chance? I’m still the same person..."
OK, that was it. I’m sorry for the way this story took, but I thought it was going to be interesting to write. I hope at lest someone like it.
Now I just have to ask you wonderful people one thing… I’m writing a new story now, it’s mostly Frank centric, and I wonder if anyone would like to beta it? I would love you forever!
Now comment?
Author: Emelie
Pairing: Gerard/Frank (sort of)
Rating: PG-13/R
Summary: One day a new guy shows up, and changes everything.
Note: I own nothing of this, not even the plot. It’s based on Peter Pohl’s wonderful book “Janne, Min Vän” (Go read it! The English title is “Jonny, my friend”) Nothing will ever come up to the greatness of that book, this story will just hide in the shadows while the original shines.
Note 2: Thanks to milliejupiter for beta! And a special thank you to everyone who rewieved chapter 9, that mean much to me. Also a special thank you to everyone who made this story possible, mostly _belsibub_ marre_barre and heaven_sent22, I love you.
| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine |
It is crowded outside the big circus tent, kids are running around happily and their parents are trying to keep track of them.
You try to look confident and secure as you make your way inside to get your seat. But you feel like an alien that is allergic to oxygen, a ghost that is being blown away by the wind, a wind that tears its fragile body.
Your seat is pretty close to the ring, about five rows back. That is the best thing about being alone, you don't take up much space.
It seems like an eternity of sitting at that hard wooden bench until the show starts. You feel a big jolt of relief as soon as things begin to happen, but that feeling is soon replaced with even more restless waiting. You find no joy at all in looking at clowns trying to be funny, horses that can walk in a straight row or elephants that can step up on a box. And the unnaturally lithe girl who does tricks with a big ball just looks like bad porn.
You are definitely too old to find any amusement in this any more.
Finally the number you had been waiting for comes. High up in the air, at a rope the person you thought you knew are cycling on a unicycle. The person you used to call Gerard.
You can see her face clearly from your spot, or at least as clearly as it is possible at this distance. She is smiling, a smile that reminds you that even if you know nothing about her, your previous year has revolved around her. You know every line of that face, you know how it feels and how it tastes. But you don't know this form it's presented in. And that smile, you can tell it is fake. It is not that smile he gave you at those times he was really happy. Or she. You don't know how to refer to that person any more.
Suddenly you feel tears run down your cheeks. Tears of loss and longing after something that never was. Tears that have been building up inside you since you first saw Gerard on that poster this afternoon. And through your tear-dazed eyes the girl in the ring looks even more like the Gerard you know, as she thanks the applauding audience
You don't applaud though, you try to dry your tears.
*
When the show is over you go to the backside of the tent, where the circus has its camp. You need to talk to Gerard, you need to find her. You need to at least know her real name.
There's a fence surrounding the camp, probably to keep visitors away. It doesn’t surprise you, but it makes you feel even more miserable than you already did.
You stay beside the fence, looking at the other side, in hope of seeing Gerard or at lest get a clue to how you can get inside.
There are people walking around, looking busy. Someone is shouting and soon after a little boy comes running. You look sadly at him, he sticks out his tongue at you before running away again.
After a while a man comes up to you, he is thin and bald, his head makes you think of an egg.
"Don't you have anything better to do than standing here staring?" he asks disagreeably.
"I... I'm looking for someone..." you say hesitantly.
"Who?"
"Umm..." you realise that you don't know what to say or how to explain who you are looking for. The name Gerard probably won't ring any bell for him. "The girl with the unicycle?" you try finally. You really must seem like some kind of stalker to him. Stalkers use to know the name of their victims though, but a stalker of the first level.
"Haven't seen her," he shrugs and starts to walk away.
"Wait!" He turns around and you bite your tongue, why did you say anything?
"C... can you tell her I'm looking for her?"
"Who are you?"
"Just... someone," you sight, knowing that it if you tell the man who you are and he tells Gerard, she would defiantly not show up. Or at least that’s how the Gerard you knew would react.
The man gives you a weird glance and walks off, for good this time.
You sit down on the ground, resting your head in your hands, debating with yourself if you will stay or not. The ground in front of the tent is almost empty now. You feel a bit stupid for staying, but you had already made a fool out of yourself, so why not do it again? You decide to give it 30 minutes, and if nothing happens you will go home and forget that Gerard ever existed. Or at least try to.
You hear people walking and talking at the other side of the fence and a dog’s loud barking, but nothing that tells you that your waiting is over.
After 15 minutes you decide to stand up again and after 20 you start jumping around a little, as it’s getting really cold. After 35 minutes you have still not left your spot, but you think about doing it. After 40 minutes you realise that you just missed the bus home and that the next one will leave in about a half hour. You kick yourself mentally for not giving up hope.
Suddenly you see the man you talked to before coming from behind one of the trailers. You want to run away, so he won’t see you again, but you can’t force yourself to move. He is talking to someone, and you are too familiar with that voice.
You are prepared when she turns around the corner, but she isn’t. For a moment your eyes meet, before she tires to back away around the corner again. But it’s too late.
"Frank…" Your eyes meet again. As long as you look at her face you can still pretend it is your Gerard. Her hair is down now and there’s no make up left, just like you are used to see it. "What are you doing here?"
You shrug, not really knowing how to answer that question. You’re not sure you know the answer yourself any more.
"Do you know, from the first time I saw you, you reminded me of Snow White." That wasn’t meant to come out as coldly as it did.
"I was going to tell you" she looks at the ground, "I was… I… you… you weren’t supposed to find out like this…"
"But I did."
"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… you said you would forgive me whatever I did…"
That is true, you did, but you didn’t count on this. Does that old promise really last now? It wasn't even two weeks ago, but it seems like an eternity.
She reaches out her hand to touch your cheek, but you step back, knowing that you might throw up if she touches you.
"Frank," she pleads, "can’t you just smile?"
You shake your head, what reasons do you have to smile?
"What’s your name?" you ask coldly.
"Gemma."
You look quietly at each other for a moment. You notice that the egg-headed man is gone now, but there is someone else coming. A man that looks strangely like a troll.
He reaches Gemma without her noticing anything, and when he grabs her upper arm roughly she jumps in surprise.
"You’re not allowed to be here," he snaps, trying to pull her away. As you hear the voice you remember that this man is the same at the man in the shop Gerard took you to a few weeks ago.
"Frank…" she says quietly looking back at you with those big, sad hazel eyes you grown you love.
You take one more step back.
"Fuck you," you hiss like a venomous snake, "I hate you, your fucking liar!" You turn around and run away, from her, from everything.
*
Behind the circus is a small hill. Before it was covered in trees, but they have been cut down to make space for the nearby graveyard to expand. Yet nothing more has happened since the trees were destroyed.
You are sitting on the hill, looking at a road on the other side of the hill as it disappears into a forest. It’s peaceful up here, a perfect place to sit at when you want to be alone, and that’s what you want.
You don’t know how long you have been sitting here, it could have been an hour or just a few minutes, when you hear steps behind you. The steps are walking up behind you, but you have no energy left to turn your head and see who it is. And in some way you know it is Gerard. Or maybe you should start calling her Gemma, even though it feels wrong.
"Why are you still here?" As long as you don’t turn around you can pretend it is Gerard. You shrug, you are here. Is that forbidden?
"You’re cold," she says, sitting down beside you and wrapping her arms around you. You sigh and stare at the road.
The only thing you can see of the person beside you is hands and black sleeves. She is wearing the same shirt Gerard used to. Suddenly you feel tears well up in your eyes again. It seems like your inner stock of tears never will run dry today. You close your eyes and turn your head, nuzzling it into her neck, letting her shoulder long hair cover your face. She rocks you slowly, and you can almost believe that it still is Gerard.
"Do you know what Frank," she says. You shake your head, how could you know? "I’ve never been really happy before, until I met you. Please give me one more chance? I’m still the same person..."
OK, that was it. I’m sorry for the way this story took, but I thought it was going to be interesting to write. I hope at lest someone like it.
Now I just have to ask you wonderful people one thing… I’m writing a new story now, it’s mostly Frank centric, and I wonder if anyone would like to beta it? I would love you forever!
Now comment?