Felicia försvann, kan någon säga hur? Som fåglen ur sin bur, som kärlek när den såras
Title: This Book Is All Lies
Author: Emelie
Pairing: Gerard/Frank
Rating: PG-13/R
Summary: One day a new guy shows up, and changes everything.
Note: I own nothing of this, not even the plot. It’s based on Peter Pohl’s wonderful book “Janne, Min Vän” (Go read it! The English title is “Jonny, my friend”) Nothing will ever come up to the greatness of that book, this story will just hide in the shadows while the original shines.
Note 2: So, after all the beta problems I had with this story, I suddenly have two. A huge thanks to _hellyes and milliejupiter. This chapter is for heaven_sent22.
| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight |
The morning took forever to arrive. Before the sun stroke its first soft rays of light between the trees you felt like your body were about to turn into ice.
As soon as it got light enough to get up, both of you did starting the day with random jumps up and down to gain back life to you frozen bodies. After that, you sat down on a rock outside the cabin with Gerard resting against your legs, eating breakfast sandwiches.
"Can you keep a secret?" Gerard asked seriously between the bites of his food.
You nodded; of course you could keep a secret, what did he think about you?
He looked up at you, his eyes darker than usual, and took a deep breath, letting it out again soon after as he put down the bottle of cheap soda he had in his hand. You can't even remember what brand it was or what taste, you just remember that it was his favourite.
He moved uncomfortably, taking a few more deep breaths, the only thing that came out was "well..."
He looked up at you again with big, sad eyes. You could see the demons hunting him in there. "Don't say anything, Geegee or I'll kill you. And then it's that Iero’s turn." You couldn't take his demons, as much as you wanted to help him and make him the happiest teenager at earth you couldn't take it all at once. He had given you a small crack in his shell already, more than he had ever shown you before and that was enough for now. Those huge demons his eyes hid, you couldn't take it. You just wanted him to keep quiet.
He took one more deep breath, "I... well... Never mind."
He moved so he sat comfortably again, staring empty at the trees.
His shell was closed again. You reached out your hand stroking his cheek, but he didn't seem to notice.
*
A few hours later you were back up on Gerard's bike, you pedalling and him manoeuvring. Suddenly there was a loud bang and a few swearwords from Gerard. You had no clue what was going on as your face was pressed against his back, all sight completely blocked.
"Stop Frank," he ordered.
"What?"
"Flat tyre."
You stopped and both of you got off the bike. Someone must have broken at least ten glass bottles on the street, the asphalt was littered with small glass pieces. There was no way you could have gotten out of there without hurting the bike.
Gerard examined the front wheel, sighing. There was nothing he could do to fix it it, the wheel belonged in the bicycle cemetery now. There was no other choice than to walk the rest of the way.
You had a slight idea of where you were but you weren't completely sure, so you let Gerard lead the way. And because of that it took you a while to realise that he wasn't taking the way back to your place. The way he chose led to a part of town east of where you lived. For a second you thought he was lost, but he seemed to know exactly where he was going.
After about twenty minutes of walking, Gerard turned into a smaller street. On both sides of it were grey, quite low, old apartment buildings. It reminded you of movies from the 50s. But then someone had written "suck my big toe" in big, bright letters at one of the walls, something that gave the street a much more contemporary look.
Gerard another corner into a similar street, only the graffiti had changed. He stopped outside a small shop. It was dark and dirty, if you wanted to look through the windows you had be in possession of X-ray vision. Above the door hung a sign as dirty as the windows. You tried to read it, but it could be saying “bikes or “shoes” or any other short word ending with s.
He opened the door, leaving you outside with his bike. An unfamiliar male voice talked to Gerard inside, you were unable to make out the words, but the voice sounded annoyed. Gerard's answers were short, barely answers at all.
Soon he got out again, carrying the equipment needed to fix the bike. You sat down with your back against the wall watching him as he performed surgery on the wheel.
Suddenly a man, probably the same one that was talking before, stuck his head out the open doorway. He reminded you of a troll, big in all directions, but not fat, with wild hair and beard. He glared at you, like even the sight of you made him angry. Then he glared at Gerard.
"Hurry up," he muttered darkly. Gerard nodded, not taking his eyes from the wheel.
The troll disappeared again, closing the door behind him.
"Who was that?" you asked curiously.
"Someone... someone I know," Gerard answered, still not looking up from his work. "He kinda taught me everything I know."
You didn’t say anything more about that, even if it awoke a hundred more questions in your head, you didn’t say anything more about the subject, Gerard’s back clearly stating that he didn’t want to talk anymore.
After what seemed like an eternity to you he finally seemed satisfied with his work. He put down the tools and sat down in front of you at his feet, smiling a little. You yawned, just sitting there in the sun, watching him had made you realise just how tired you were.
"You didn't get much sleep tonight, right?" he smiled.
"No," you smiled back.
"You should go home and get some sleep than."
You nodded, yawning again.
"Do you know the way back to your place?"
"Yeah, I think so. I just need to find that big road, you know that... big one, whatever its name is," you made a gesture in the direction of the road, "I'll be fine."
"I'm not sure I dare to let you go," he laughed.
"No really, I know the way."
"Just come back if you need directions." He stood up reaching out his hand to you. You took it, standing in front of him, he locked you in a close hug.
"We have to do this again sometime."
"Can't we wait until it gets warmer first?"
"Sure, if you can't stand the cold," he smiled and kissed your lips before letting you go. You tried to stifle another yawn.
"Good morning," he smiled.
"Good night."
You started to walk down the street; the same way as you had came earlier. Before you turned the first corner, you looked back at Gerard. He was lifting his bike into the dirty shop. You smiled slightly at the sight of him, wondering in the depth of your soul if maybe that place was his home.
*
It was a few days later and the gang were having a skateboard competition on one of the ramps in the skate park. The rules were complicated and made up by years of boredom and attempts at making the game last forever. Actually, the easiest way of getting out of the game was if you fell of your board, if it was a Friday and you wore red socks.
Gerard hadn't been around for a few days and you really had started to miss him. You had decided that if he was gone two more days you would go to that strange shop and see if it were any signs of him there. But to your surprise he had shown up that day.
He was sitting at one of the benches, one from where he could see the ramp clearly. Every now and then you looked in his direction and he waved and smiled at you. He wanted to talk to you, but you were too caught up in the game to notice.
After a while Gerard started to stalk around like a lost soul. He was looking in all directions at once, as if he thought someone was spying on him. After the little walk, he sat down again, but it only took a few minutes until he was on his feet again.
At this point you really wanted to talk to him, but it took a good ten minutes before you had any chance of getting away from the game.
As soon as you jumped of the ramp Gerard was in front of you.
"We're supposed to go to the cabin again," he said, "but..."
"Frank!" Tim's loud voice called you back to the game. You turned around, prepared go back.
"Don't you want to?" Gerard asked loudly.
"Wait a minute!" you screamed to Tim and turned around to face Gerard again.
There was something seriously wrong, because Gerard was looking in sixteen different directions at once, his eyes a swirl of undefined brown. He took a step closer to you, reaching out to squeeze your hand.
"Fuck Frank, I'm so sorry! Forgive me, forgive my whole being. Whatever I do, promise?"
You promised, whatever it may be.
And there it was, like a bolt from the blue, Gerard's fist flying up and hitting your face.
You fell to the ground, not so much from the force of the punch as from the other pain that hit you at the same time, in your soul. The punch was followed by a kick in your stomach, as fake as the previous hit. But even from your position you could tell that it all looked like he was hurting you really bad.
After the kick, he ran away and jumped on his bike, screaming horrible things at you. Things you couldn't hear because of that first forceful mental hit.
The second after Gerard was gone the gang was around you, asking you how much alive you were.
"I'm okay," you managed to get out, staring up at the clear, blue sky. Things weren't all right, that haunted look in Gerard's face and his way of checking everything. This was a game, just a big show.
"I'm gonna kill you Geegee and then it's that Iero's turn." Gerard's voice in your head, repeating the words of someone else.
*
That was one and a half week ago now. You hadn't seen any sign of Gerard since, not until this evil poster started to glare down at you.
You're sitting on your skateboard under the poster, staring into an undefined distance. This is the end of your story. The end of Gerard's, or at least one of the stops close to the end.
You look up at the poser again, eyeing the familiar figure. His eyes are marked with thick layers of eyeliner and eye shadow, his usual pale face is even paler in a way that makes him look like a sick porcelain doll. His shining black hair is held back from his face. Actually the only thing that is really recognisable in his face is his mouth, his stunning smile and that front tooth that is half missing. There is no doubt that it is him, but it's hard too tell.
You look further down in the picture, to those parts that you prefer not to see, but you have too. He sits on a unicycle that is at a line, high up in the air.
And there is the body, which you have to force yourself to look at. Small glittering clothes that don't leave much to the imagination, covering the most private parts of the thin body. Thin because of years and years of too much training. All those days of doing things that a normal body shouldn't be capable of doing have stopped it from developing the curves that should be there, and the curves that are there anyway are easy to hide.
The movie "Boy's don't cry" flashes through your mind as you read the text at the top of the poster. “Circus A.I.R.”
The process of turning a woman into a man.
Suddenly it all fits, all the pieces fall in their right places and you can see the image of the puzzle clearly. It is nothing that you ever would expect and worse than your worst nightmares.
You pick up your skateboard and start to walk again, the weight of your discovery hanging like a stone cloak over your shoulders. You don't know anything anymore, not where you are going or what your destination is. The poster has told you that in two hours they will have their last show in this town. A part of you wants to go, to see her one last time, to see for yourself if this really is the truth. Because it can't be. Or can it?
Another part of you just wants to go away and forget everything from the past ten months of your life. But you know that you never can forget.
Please don’t hate me for this =/ *hides* But really, Gerard does look feminine!
And there is now one chapter to go, and it will be up in a few days.
Author: Emelie
Pairing: Gerard/Frank
Rating: PG-13/R
Summary: One day a new guy shows up, and changes everything.
Note: I own nothing of this, not even the plot. It’s based on Peter Pohl’s wonderful book “Janne, Min Vän” (Go read it! The English title is “Jonny, my friend”) Nothing will ever come up to the greatness of that book, this story will just hide in the shadows while the original shines.
Note 2: So, after all the beta problems I had with this story, I suddenly have two. A huge thanks to _hellyes and milliejupiter. This chapter is for heaven_sent22.
| one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight |
The morning took forever to arrive. Before the sun stroke its first soft rays of light between the trees you felt like your body were about to turn into ice.
As soon as it got light enough to get up, both of you did starting the day with random jumps up and down to gain back life to you frozen bodies. After that, you sat down on a rock outside the cabin with Gerard resting against your legs, eating breakfast sandwiches.
"Can you keep a secret?" Gerard asked seriously between the bites of his food.
You nodded; of course you could keep a secret, what did he think about you?
He looked up at you, his eyes darker than usual, and took a deep breath, letting it out again soon after as he put down the bottle of cheap soda he had in his hand. You can't even remember what brand it was or what taste, you just remember that it was his favourite.
He moved uncomfortably, taking a few more deep breaths, the only thing that came out was "well..."
He looked up at you again with big, sad eyes. You could see the demons hunting him in there. "Don't say anything, Geegee or I'll kill you. And then it's that Iero’s turn." You couldn't take his demons, as much as you wanted to help him and make him the happiest teenager at earth you couldn't take it all at once. He had given you a small crack in his shell already, more than he had ever shown you before and that was enough for now. Those huge demons his eyes hid, you couldn't take it. You just wanted him to keep quiet.
He took one more deep breath, "I... well... Never mind."
He moved so he sat comfortably again, staring empty at the trees.
His shell was closed again. You reached out your hand stroking his cheek, but he didn't seem to notice.
*
A few hours later you were back up on Gerard's bike, you pedalling and him manoeuvring. Suddenly there was a loud bang and a few swearwords from Gerard. You had no clue what was going on as your face was pressed against his back, all sight completely blocked.
"Stop Frank," he ordered.
"What?"
"Flat tyre."
You stopped and both of you got off the bike. Someone must have broken at least ten glass bottles on the street, the asphalt was littered with small glass pieces. There was no way you could have gotten out of there without hurting the bike.
Gerard examined the front wheel, sighing. There was nothing he could do to fix it it, the wheel belonged in the bicycle cemetery now. There was no other choice than to walk the rest of the way.
You had a slight idea of where you were but you weren't completely sure, so you let Gerard lead the way. And because of that it took you a while to realise that he wasn't taking the way back to your place. The way he chose led to a part of town east of where you lived. For a second you thought he was lost, but he seemed to know exactly where he was going.
After about twenty minutes of walking, Gerard turned into a smaller street. On both sides of it were grey, quite low, old apartment buildings. It reminded you of movies from the 50s. But then someone had written "suck my big toe" in big, bright letters at one of the walls, something that gave the street a much more contemporary look.
Gerard another corner into a similar street, only the graffiti had changed. He stopped outside a small shop. It was dark and dirty, if you wanted to look through the windows you had be in possession of X-ray vision. Above the door hung a sign as dirty as the windows. You tried to read it, but it could be saying “bikes or “shoes” or any other short word ending with s.
He opened the door, leaving you outside with his bike. An unfamiliar male voice talked to Gerard inside, you were unable to make out the words, but the voice sounded annoyed. Gerard's answers were short, barely answers at all.
Soon he got out again, carrying the equipment needed to fix the bike. You sat down with your back against the wall watching him as he performed surgery on the wheel.
Suddenly a man, probably the same one that was talking before, stuck his head out the open doorway. He reminded you of a troll, big in all directions, but not fat, with wild hair and beard. He glared at you, like even the sight of you made him angry. Then he glared at Gerard.
"Hurry up," he muttered darkly. Gerard nodded, not taking his eyes from the wheel.
The troll disappeared again, closing the door behind him.
"Who was that?" you asked curiously.
"Someone... someone I know," Gerard answered, still not looking up from his work. "He kinda taught me everything I know."
You didn’t say anything more about that, even if it awoke a hundred more questions in your head, you didn’t say anything more about the subject, Gerard’s back clearly stating that he didn’t want to talk anymore.
After what seemed like an eternity to you he finally seemed satisfied with his work. He put down the tools and sat down in front of you at his feet, smiling a little. You yawned, just sitting there in the sun, watching him had made you realise just how tired you were.
"You didn't get much sleep tonight, right?" he smiled.
"No," you smiled back.
"You should go home and get some sleep than."
You nodded, yawning again.
"Do you know the way back to your place?"
"Yeah, I think so. I just need to find that big road, you know that... big one, whatever its name is," you made a gesture in the direction of the road, "I'll be fine."
"I'm not sure I dare to let you go," he laughed.
"No really, I know the way."
"Just come back if you need directions." He stood up reaching out his hand to you. You took it, standing in front of him, he locked you in a close hug.
"We have to do this again sometime."
"Can't we wait until it gets warmer first?"
"Sure, if you can't stand the cold," he smiled and kissed your lips before letting you go. You tried to stifle another yawn.
"Good morning," he smiled.
"Good night."
You started to walk down the street; the same way as you had came earlier. Before you turned the first corner, you looked back at Gerard. He was lifting his bike into the dirty shop. You smiled slightly at the sight of him, wondering in the depth of your soul if maybe that place was his home.
*
It was a few days later and the gang were having a skateboard competition on one of the ramps in the skate park. The rules were complicated and made up by years of boredom and attempts at making the game last forever. Actually, the easiest way of getting out of the game was if you fell of your board, if it was a Friday and you wore red socks.
Gerard hadn't been around for a few days and you really had started to miss him. You had decided that if he was gone two more days you would go to that strange shop and see if it were any signs of him there. But to your surprise he had shown up that day.
He was sitting at one of the benches, one from where he could see the ramp clearly. Every now and then you looked in his direction and he waved and smiled at you. He wanted to talk to you, but you were too caught up in the game to notice.
After a while Gerard started to stalk around like a lost soul. He was looking in all directions at once, as if he thought someone was spying on him. After the little walk, he sat down again, but it only took a few minutes until he was on his feet again.
At this point you really wanted to talk to him, but it took a good ten minutes before you had any chance of getting away from the game.
As soon as you jumped of the ramp Gerard was in front of you.
"We're supposed to go to the cabin again," he said, "but..."
"Frank!" Tim's loud voice called you back to the game. You turned around, prepared go back.
"Don't you want to?" Gerard asked loudly.
"Wait a minute!" you screamed to Tim and turned around to face Gerard again.
There was something seriously wrong, because Gerard was looking in sixteen different directions at once, his eyes a swirl of undefined brown. He took a step closer to you, reaching out to squeeze your hand.
"Fuck Frank, I'm so sorry! Forgive me, forgive my whole being. Whatever I do, promise?"
You promised, whatever it may be.
And there it was, like a bolt from the blue, Gerard's fist flying up and hitting your face.
You fell to the ground, not so much from the force of the punch as from the other pain that hit you at the same time, in your soul. The punch was followed by a kick in your stomach, as fake as the previous hit. But even from your position you could tell that it all looked like he was hurting you really bad.
After the kick, he ran away and jumped on his bike, screaming horrible things at you. Things you couldn't hear because of that first forceful mental hit.
The second after Gerard was gone the gang was around you, asking you how much alive you were.
"I'm okay," you managed to get out, staring up at the clear, blue sky. Things weren't all right, that haunted look in Gerard's face and his way of checking everything. This was a game, just a big show.
"I'm gonna kill you Geegee and then it's that Iero's turn." Gerard's voice in your head, repeating the words of someone else.
*
That was one and a half week ago now. You hadn't seen any sign of Gerard since, not until this evil poster started to glare down at you.
You're sitting on your skateboard under the poster, staring into an undefined distance. This is the end of your story. The end of Gerard's, or at least one of the stops close to the end.
You look up at the poser again, eyeing the familiar figure. His eyes are marked with thick layers of eyeliner and eye shadow, his usual pale face is even paler in a way that makes him look like a sick porcelain doll. His shining black hair is held back from his face. Actually the only thing that is really recognisable in his face is his mouth, his stunning smile and that front tooth that is half missing. There is no doubt that it is him, but it's hard too tell.
You look further down in the picture, to those parts that you prefer not to see, but you have too. He sits on a unicycle that is at a line, high up in the air.
And there is the body, which you have to force yourself to look at. Small glittering clothes that don't leave much to the imagination, covering the most private parts of the thin body. Thin because of years and years of too much training. All those days of doing things that a normal body shouldn't be capable of doing have stopped it from developing the curves that should be there, and the curves that are there anyway are easy to hide.
The movie "Boy's don't cry" flashes through your mind as you read the text at the top of the poster. “Circus A.I.R.”
The process of turning a woman into a man.
Suddenly it all fits, all the pieces fall in their right places and you can see the image of the puzzle clearly. It is nothing that you ever would expect and worse than your worst nightmares.
You pick up your skateboard and start to walk again, the weight of your discovery hanging like a stone cloak over your shoulders. You don't know anything anymore, not where you are going or what your destination is. The poster has told you that in two hours they will have their last show in this town. A part of you wants to go, to see her one last time, to see for yourself if this really is the truth. Because it can't be. Or can it?
Another part of you just wants to go away and forget everything from the past ten months of your life. But you know that you never can forget.
Please don’t hate me for this =/ *hides* But really, Gerard does look feminine!
And there is now one chapter to go, and it will be up in a few days.