[Even for Keith it was rare to see Yuri without his makeup as he only went to bed without it and it wasn’t often they found themselves going to bed at the same time so it was usually dark when the Hero crept in and his partner was always up before he was. He had to admit, having Yuri exposed and naked to him made his heart pound rapidly in his chest, but he would never ask about them. This didn’t stop him from tipping Yuri’s chin up and brushing his lips over his mate’s face, scars and all, he was beautiful.]
Those are sad words [Keith couldn’t imagine who would want to leave Yuri, he was distant and a little cold on the outside…and maybe awkward at dealing with people in a warm and loving manner…but Keith had the privilege of seeing underneath all of that. His hold tightened slightly as though he were symbolically holding Yuri to him, trying to wordlessly convince him that he wouldn’t leave] I would really be the dumbest guy on the planet if I didn’t keep you close at hand, not that I want to be much further from you than I am now…but I love you even when our lives have a little bit of separateness to them.
[He usually doesn't open himself up like that, discuss his emotions. One thing he appreciated about Keith was his willingness to accept things as they were, and not to pry. Anyone else would have asked too many questions, grown too close to the truth. Keith didn't question any of his explanations, didn't require elaboration on even the most vague of answers.
Now Yuri wondered if part of the reason for that was because of his own secret, because he was a Hero. No, perhaps that was part of it, but Keith was simply trusting. He trusted Yuri.
He had no idea that Yuri was trying to reconcile his feelings for Keith with the fact that Keith was something he despised, that was against everything he stood for.
Part of him wanted to draw back, away from Keith, but he was used to these physical touches now, and he wanted them. His body tensed, but he didn't pull away, allowing the kiss, the caresses.] It's not always easy for people to accept me. You and I are quite different, in many ways. We're apart much of the time. We each have our jobs to do. I'm older than you. These things might wear on you over time. [But what he doesn't mention is what truly concerns him: his compulsions, his obsessions, the things he sees sometimes, which can't be there.] But I don't want to be alone.
[Keith really did want to know the things that his partner spent his time dwelling on and this included his feelings. He knew that kept inside things like anger, resentment and sadness could make a person sick...and as much as Keith prided himself in keeping a healthy and stable diet and tried to keep Yuri just as healthy...up-keeping another person's feelings was a different matter. He didn't ask too many questions, but he tended to compensate with plenty of physical affection, hugging, kissing and holding was all he could do for the other man]
We don't talk about our pasts...but other people don't matter and your age doesn't matter...I'll probably wear on you if anything...maybe I'm too idealistic sometimes, but you're everything to me [pressing a kiss to Yuri's forehead, Keith rattled his brain for a way to convince him and the only way he could think of was to lift his left hand and show off his wedding band] this...if you're ever feeling anxious just remember that this means you'll never be alone. I want to keep you close all of your life, I promise it's not something you'll have to worry about...and I won't ever take my promise lightly.
Yes, I don't like to talk about the past. [It was difficult for him. Even thinking about it pained him. Those wounds still felt so fresh, the memory searing and sharp. And now, knowing what he knew about Keith...] There are things I'd rather not discuss. [He paused and admitted, almost unwillingly:] Maybe someday. You can tell me anything you like about your past. [He doesn't expect any more surprises, but then, he didn't expect what he'd learned today. Yet he wants to know the truth, always.]
You know I'm no idealist. [He smiled wryly. No, he was far from being that. He sighed. What would happen if Keith found out? Would he keep his promise or not? He studied the ring Keith showed him. He could feel his own ring on his finger. His hand felt very warm. He had to take the ring off, when he went out at night. It was something of a betrayal, wasn't it?] What if there's something about me that you don't like? Something you don't know now? It's easy to make promises. It's just as easy to break them.
Some things are probably better off trying to forget or overcome...you don't have to talk, but if you do, I'll listen [the least Keith felt he could do, besides the possibility that someday his partner might confide in him was plenty] as for me, my past isn't very interesting. I'll tell you about it if you want to listen.
That's okay [Keith didn't need Yuri to be an idealist, or anything but himself if he wanted to be. He had no problem taking it as it came.] Something about you that I don't like...? Well...I can only look at you as a person who isn't perfect...it wouldn't be fair if I raised the bar so high that it would be impossible to reach. Perfection's impossible.
[He wondered if he was managing to forget or overcome. Sometimes the past seemed to be mere moments ago.] My past is still with me. I don't think I can forget, but perhaps I can overcome.
I like to listen to you, Keith. [He smiled at that. He liked the thought of a normal, uninteresting past. How refreshing. It was true, as they said, that "may you live in interesting times" was a curse.] You'll have to tell me all your uninteresting stories.
I'm glad. [He touched Keith's hand. Sometimes it did seem like the other man really would accept him. It was so easy to talk to him. More than it had been with anyone else. He was so caring. Somehow, he'd managed to pierce Yuri's distrust of others.] I'm far from being perfect. I sometimes think I'm not a very good person. [Sometimes he's much more sure that what he's doing is right, but with Keith, he feels more human, less absolute.]
Maybe I can help you there, even if I can't do much of anything except to soothe you [really, when it came to things like horrible pasts, Keith felt helpless as a Hero. There was nothing he could do to fix emotional pain.]
Yeah? [the fact that his partner didn't mind listening to his stories filled Keith with a warm rush. The NEXT deliberately refrained from talking too much about himself or his simple life out of fear of somehow hurting the other man's feelings] I'll tell you about it any time, Yuri, if that's what you'd like to know about me.
Well...I guess...everyone has those moments [Keith's fingers curled around his partner's instinctively and he drew Yuri closer almost protectively close. He didn't understand what had happened to Yuri that could make him feel like he wasn't a good person] I mean...it's hard to be good all the time...even I feel like, sometimes...what I do isn't always enough...that maybe I could do more or do better. Like with charity, when you can't help everybody even if you want to...you don't feel like a good person. [Maybe Keith's version of good was a little idealistic, but he wasn't sure how else to explain it. He was a Hero after all...Hero's were supposed to be good, but they couldn't fix everything.]
[Yuri doesn't believe anything will really help, but since meeting Keith, he's selfishly wanted the illusion of comfort, not having had it before.] I'd like that. You can soothe me.
And yes, I want to know everything about you. [Even though he wasn't planning on returning the favor anytime soon, he did want to know.] Every simple story.
[Yuri sighed, relaxing into Keith's touch as he was held closer. Keith's thoughts about goodness were somehow charming. Here was someone who would never sin, would never need to be cleansed.] That wasn't exactly what I meant. What you want is something good that can't be attained. As you told me moments ago, perfection's impossible. It's good to strive for it, but you shouldn't chastise yourself if you can't achieve it. What I mean is that I sometimes feel a sense of doubt. That I'm good at all. [Sometimes, when his father comes to him, but he can't talk about that. He shouldn't be talking about even this much, but Keith feels so warm and comforting, and he's tired after the long night. He's never confided in anyone like this before, but then, he's never been married before.]
We...haven't had a whole lot of time to sit down and talk lately [which was a real shame as far as Keith was concerned, spending time with Yuri meant so much to him and not being able to because of work was often hard on him. He knew his next suggestion would take him away from the Hero business briefly, but ratings didn't matter to him and he was still a man. If he couldn't spend time with Yuri he knew he would be miserable...how could he do anything if he was miserable] I was thinking...if you get some free time...maybe we can go somewhere. We can hole up somewhere and I can talk to you until you're sick of it, tell you everything.
[The fact that Yuri was relaxed and calm in his arms drove home just how much Keith was missing him] Well...I can think of something good, Yuri...I love you and you feel the same, so...so if you have doubts...then you know that...love is a good thing [Keith didn't know what had happened to make Yuri feel this way, but he hoped that having this one thing in his life would change his mind.]
No, we've both been so busy lately. [He paused, suppressing a sigh.] Now I see why you've been so busy. It makes sense. [He still didn't like it, and it would take him time to come to sort through the jumble of feelings the revelation had produced.] It's difficult for me to get time away. [The truth was, he'd taken vacation so rarely, he probably would have had no trouble at all, but work was his excuse for so many things--a perfect cover for his other activities. Now he wasn't sure if he wanted to be alone with Keith for so long. A Hero. What if he said the wrong thing, or if the emotions he was sure to so carefully control got the better of him? Yet it was still Keith, his husband.] I'll see what I can do. I would like that. [All those ordinary, everyday stories might outweigh the maddening fact of Keith's occupation.] I want to hear everything. [After all, he might lose him someday. He doesn't know how long they have, considering.]
Love. [As odd as it was, that was true.] Yes. [Love makes him wary. The people he loves betray him, leave him--but Keith hasn't yet, except for this new information which isn't exactly a betrayal, more of an accident. Yuri had never thought he would have something like this, someone to love him. He leaned into Keith's touch, reaching out to find Keith's hand with his own.] I do return your feeling. [It's still hard for him to say it.]
If you can...I'd like it too...I wanted to save up for a proper...ahah...honeymoon...[the word sounded strange coming from Keith, at least it did to his own ears, maybe a little sentimental coming from a Hero. Weren't Hero's always expected to put on certain airs, to behave in a certain way that was appropriate? To look brave in the face of anything? He felt nervous and excited all over again. The prospect of being with Yuri in a sense that, for most people, was very normal always caused his insides to jolt a little bit. Though he also knew he had to be grounded, even though bringing himself back down to earth was hard.] If you can't get away it's alright though...I understand...you're very important to a lot of people. You're my partner, but I do getthat you're not mine even if I'd like to keep you...we'll make some time for my stories though. I promise.
Yes. [The NEXT parroted, carefully brushing his lover's hair from his eyes with the tip of his nose, enjoying this degree of closeness that allowed him to inhale the scent of his lover, his soap, his shampoo...he was refreshing and warm. When Yuri's fingers found his own he instinctively wound their hands together. He knew that it was hard for his lover to speak what he was really feeling sometimes, but Keith didn't need to hear the words repeated back to him, he knew how the other man felt. There were other ways for him to feel Yuri's love.] Will you kiss me?
A honeymoon. [It was a very sentimental word. He might have been happier to hear it previously that he was now.] Yes, we should have one, shouldn't we? It's the usual thing to do. [He was not at all used to doing the usual thing. He wanted to, sometimes. Sometimes very much. He gave a soft sigh.]
I'll make the time, Keith, though I can't tell you when until I've done some rearranging. It might take a little while, but I will. I am important to others, but our partnership is important, too.
[Otherwise it would seem suspicious, wouldn't it? Well, no, not to Keith. At least he'd made a good choice of spouse in that Keith didn't seem likely to suspect. He hoped. But he was still conflicted, a knot of nerves. He'd grown used to being able to talk about his feelings to his earnest partner: one of the few people he's ever been able to speak to about his feelings. Things had changed today. Keith touched his hair and clasped his hand, and for a single, mad moment, Yuri wanted to unburden himself and tell him everything. But that would truly be madness. Keith wouldn't understand, would leave him. Instead, Yuri leaned forward and kissed him.]
[Their honeymoon was something that Keith was looking forward to as well, but it wasn't something that he would press for if his partner wasn't ready for it. He knew how busy both of their lives were and he knew that he'd just dropped a bombshell on Yuri so they would both need a little time to think about what they wanted to do about their new situation. He was more than willing to let it drop for the sake of his love, or until the timing was better. There was also the fact that he had the other man so close to him, it was closer than they had been in days...and his lips. Keith felt fortunate in the knowledge that he had of how soft and generous those lips could be. He was proud of the fact that he knew the judge in a way that no one else did...not that he went around bragging, but he certainly could.]
[Maybe he could forget for a little while. He knew he was no good at forgetting generally, but at least he could try.
It was just his luck that this man he'd chosen to be with, after being alone for so long, had turned out to be a Hero. It was as if fate was mocking him, as irrational a thought as that was. Although it wasn't so different from working for Hero TV, just another connection he had with them, another way to manipulate them--
No, not yet. He just wanted to be with Keith now, as himself. Not to think about other, upsetting things. One of the things he most liked about Keith was the way the man made him feel almost normal, for brief snatches of time. He doesn't want to lose that. He deepens the kiss, moving even closer, until his body presses against his partner's and he can feel his warmth.]
Those are sad words [Keith couldn’t imagine who would want to leave Yuri, he was distant and a little cold on the outside…and maybe awkward at dealing with people in a warm and loving manner…but Keith had the privilege of seeing underneath all of that. His hold tightened slightly as though he were symbolically holding Yuri to him, trying to wordlessly convince him that he wouldn’t leave] I would really be the dumbest guy on the planet if I didn’t keep you close at hand, not that I want to be much further from you than I am now…but I love you even when our lives have a little bit of separateness to them.
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Now Yuri wondered if part of the reason for that was because of his own secret, because he was a Hero. No, perhaps that was part of it, but Keith was simply trusting. He trusted Yuri.
He had no idea that Yuri was trying to reconcile his feelings for Keith with the fact that Keith was something he despised, that was against everything he stood for.
Part of him wanted to draw back, away from Keith, but he was used to these physical touches now, and he wanted them. His body tensed, but he didn't pull away, allowing the kiss, the caresses.] It's not always easy for people to accept me. You and I are quite different, in many ways. We're apart much of the time. We each have our jobs to do. I'm older than you. These things might wear on you over time. [But what he doesn't mention is what truly concerns him: his compulsions, his obsessions, the things he sees sometimes, which can't be there.] But I don't want to be alone.
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We don't talk about our pasts...but other people don't matter and your age doesn't matter...I'll probably wear on you if anything...maybe I'm too idealistic sometimes, but you're everything to me [pressing a kiss to Yuri's forehead, Keith rattled his brain for a way to convince him and the only way he could think of was to lift his left hand and show off his wedding band] this...if you're ever feeling anxious just remember that this means you'll never be alone. I want to keep you close all of your life, I promise it's not something you'll have to worry about...and I won't ever take my promise lightly.
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You know I'm no idealist. [He smiled wryly. No, he was far from being that. He sighed. What would happen if Keith found out? Would he keep his promise or not? He studied the ring Keith showed him. He could feel his own ring on his finger. His hand felt very warm. He had to take the ring off, when he went out at night. It was something of a betrayal, wasn't it?] What if there's something about me that you don't like? Something you don't know now? It's easy to make promises. It's just as easy to break them.
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That's okay [Keith didn't need Yuri to be an idealist, or anything but himself if he wanted to be. He had no problem taking it as it came.] Something about you that I don't like...? Well...I can only look at you as a person who isn't perfect...it wouldn't be fair if I raised the bar so high that it would be impossible to reach. Perfection's impossible.
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I like to listen to you, Keith. [He smiled at that. He liked the thought of a normal, uninteresting past. How refreshing. It was true, as they said, that "may you live in interesting times" was a curse.] You'll have to tell me all your uninteresting stories.
I'm glad. [He touched Keith's hand. Sometimes it did seem like the other man really would accept him. It was so easy to talk to him. More than it had been with anyone else. He was so caring. Somehow, he'd managed to pierce Yuri's distrust of others.] I'm far from being perfect. I sometimes think I'm not a very good person. [Sometimes he's much more sure that what he's doing is right, but with Keith, he feels more human, less absolute.]
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Yeah? [the fact that his partner didn't mind listening to his stories filled Keith with a warm rush. The NEXT deliberately refrained from talking too much about himself or his simple life out of fear of somehow hurting the other man's feelings] I'll tell you about it any time, Yuri, if that's what you'd like to know about me.
Well...I guess...everyone has those moments [Keith's fingers curled around his partner's instinctively and he drew Yuri closer almost protectively close. He didn't understand what had happened to Yuri that could make him feel like he wasn't a good person] I mean...it's hard to be good all the time...even I feel like, sometimes...what I do isn't always enough...that maybe I could do more or do better. Like with charity, when you can't help everybody even if you want to...you don't feel like a good person. [Maybe Keith's version of good was a little idealistic, but he wasn't sure how else to explain it. He was a Hero after all...Hero's were supposed to be good, but they couldn't fix everything.]
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And yes, I want to know everything about you. [Even though he wasn't planning on returning the favor anytime soon, he did want to know.] Every simple story.
[Yuri sighed, relaxing into Keith's touch as he was held closer. Keith's thoughts about goodness were somehow charming. Here was someone who would never sin, would never need to be cleansed.] That wasn't exactly what I meant. What you want is something good that can't be attained. As you told me moments ago, perfection's impossible. It's good to strive for it, but you shouldn't chastise yourself if you can't achieve it. What I mean is that I sometimes feel a sense of doubt. That I'm good at all. [Sometimes, when his father comes to him, but he can't talk about that. He shouldn't be talking about even this much, but Keith feels so warm and comforting, and he's tired after the long night. He's never confided in anyone like this before, but then, he's never been married before.]
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[The fact that Yuri was relaxed and calm in his arms drove home just how much Keith was missing him] Well...I can think of something good, Yuri...I love you and you feel the same, so...so if you have doubts...then you know that...love is a good thing [Keith didn't know what had happened to make Yuri feel this way, but he hoped that having this one thing in his life would change his mind.]
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Love. [As odd as it was, that was true.] Yes. [Love makes him wary. The people he loves betray him, leave him--but Keith hasn't yet, except for this new information which isn't exactly a betrayal, more of an accident. Yuri had never thought he would have something like this, someone to love him. He leaned into Keith's touch, reaching out to find Keith's hand with his own.] I do return your feeling. [It's still hard for him to say it.]
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Yes. [The NEXT parroted, carefully brushing his lover's hair from his eyes with the tip of his nose, enjoying this degree of closeness that allowed him to inhale the scent of his lover, his soap, his shampoo...he was refreshing and warm. When Yuri's fingers found his own he instinctively wound their hands together. He knew that it was hard for his lover to speak what he was really feeling sometimes, but Keith didn't need to hear the words repeated back to him, he knew how the other man felt. There were other ways for him to feel Yuri's love.] Will you kiss me?
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I'll make the time, Keith, though I can't tell you when until I've done some rearranging. It might take a little while, but I will. I am important to others, but our partnership is important, too.
[Otherwise it would seem suspicious, wouldn't it? Well, no, not to Keith. At least he'd made a good choice of spouse in that Keith didn't seem likely to suspect. He hoped. But he was still conflicted, a knot of nerves. He'd grown used to being able to talk about his feelings to his earnest partner: one of the few people he's ever been able to speak to about his feelings. Things had changed today. Keith touched his hair and clasped his hand, and for a single, mad moment, Yuri wanted to unburden himself and tell him everything. But that would truly be madness. Keith wouldn't understand, would leave him. Instead, Yuri leaned forward and kissed him.]
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It was just his luck that this man he'd chosen to be with, after being alone for so long, had turned out to be a Hero. It was as if fate was mocking him, as irrational a thought as that was. Although it wasn't so different from working for Hero TV, just another connection he had with them, another way to manipulate them--
No, not yet. He just wanted to be with Keith now, as himself. Not to think about other, upsetting things. One of the things he most liked about Keith was the way the man made him feel almost normal, for brief snatches of time. He doesn't want to lose that. He deepens the kiss, moving even closer, until his body presses against his partner's and he can feel his warmth.]
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