I don't want to go, does that make me a bad person?
My paternal grandpa called my sister the other day and told her that his cancer has returned and that he has to go to Portland for surgery. My sister wants to go and see him around Thanksgiving and I really don't.
He and my sister have been talking and writing to each other for a couple of months now, and I knew that he had cancer but we didn't know how bad it was. I myself haven't spoken to him in years, and he doesn't seem to have any desire to speak to me, which is fine I guess. I mean we aren't close and we never really were, I think we visited them a total of 5 times while I was growing up, so that didn't really give us time to become super close. Now that hes sick though I feel like maybe I should go see him, I don't know if I want to though. I don't deal well with death and dying, my moms cousin had terminal cancer and when it was determined that she was going to die in a couple of days I didn't go with everyone to say their goodbyes. It was too sad, i couldn't do it, I've experienced too much death in my 20 years I think, and with each one I just get really depressed. My thinking is this, my grandpa had no desire to see or speak to us until he found out he was sick, why is that? Also, he doesn't speak to me he speaks to Yolanda, according to her, he doesn't ask about me, or even mention me, so does he even want me to go? I think if he specifically said, "Mema, I would like you to come see me" I would go, and I feel so stupid saying that, because it sounds like i'm jealous of my sister and his converstations, i'm not, but the last time I saw him I was 9, its been over 10 years, so obviously there was no real connection made between us.
I guess my internal dispute is, if I don't go and he does die, will I be OK knowing that I didn't say my goodbyes, and if I do go, will I be OK knowing that hes gonna die. I feel terrible even considering not going, I feel like my reaction should absolutely be yes, I'll go, but its not, does that make me a horrible person?
He and my sister have been talking and writing to each other for a couple of months now, and I knew that he had cancer but we didn't know how bad it was. I myself haven't spoken to him in years, and he doesn't seem to have any desire to speak to me, which is fine I guess. I mean we aren't close and we never really were, I think we visited them a total of 5 times while I was growing up, so that didn't really give us time to become super close. Now that hes sick though I feel like maybe I should go see him, I don't know if I want to though. I don't deal well with death and dying, my moms cousin had terminal cancer and when it was determined that she was going to die in a couple of days I didn't go with everyone to say their goodbyes. It was too sad, i couldn't do it, I've experienced too much death in my 20 years I think, and with each one I just get really depressed. My thinking is this, my grandpa had no desire to see or speak to us until he found out he was sick, why is that? Also, he doesn't speak to me he speaks to Yolanda, according to her, he doesn't ask about me, or even mention me, so does he even want me to go? I think if he specifically said, "Mema, I would like you to come see me" I would go, and I feel so stupid saying that, because it sounds like i'm jealous of my sister and his converstations, i'm not, but the last time I saw him I was 9, its been over 10 years, so obviously there was no real connection made between us.
I guess my internal dispute is, if I don't go and he does die, will I be OK knowing that I didn't say my goodbyes, and if I do go, will I be OK knowing that hes gonna die. I feel terrible even considering not going, I feel like my reaction should absolutely be yes, I'll go, but its not, does that make me a horrible person?