I shake my fist at you
Why do carnies think they belong in the circus? Possibly because they are small and freakish and smell like cabbage and have small hands and are therefore deemed as 'unfit' for normal society. But I ask myself, how can there be so much hate for them when every sidewalk in the UK is built for folk of their size.
Seriously, its all I can do to get one of my thighs on the pavement without the other one falling out onto the road to become an obstacle for oncoming traffic. I have to press myself into the sides of buildings and hold onto the tufts of moss that grow inbetween the bricks to ensure I get into town safely. Sure, it attracts some strange looks and although I wouldn't say I am overwhelmed with 'body love' (which Cosmo tells me is absolutely essential to be a strong sexy WO-MAN), I certainly like all of my limbs and thus, would like to keep them.
With sidewalks this small, there needs to be some kind of rules. Because, wonder of wonders, everyone is not going the same way as you. Sometimes, in an act that is truly terrorous, someone has to get past you in THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. The first time this was due to happen to me, my initial thoughts were to go limp, get foetal, shut my eyes and call upon a god who only gets look in from me at Christmas and Easter. How were we both going to fit on what seemed like two tiny bricks.
Inner monolgue:It's too small, its too small, something so big can't fit through that, holy mother of god, I'm going to die and I haven't even met david cassidy yet, oh cruel world how can you take me now etc etc.
But like ships in the night, we passed each other and both lived to see another day. Perhaps the pavement possesses some sort of secret elasticity which allows it to stretch when large objects are required pass through it. Sounds highly unlikely and ridiculous but I have two words- CHILD BIRTH.
Of course, with sidewalks, there are always certain problems such as the 'pedestrian face-off.' My favourite website, urban dictionary, defines this as 'an awkward situation in which two pedestrians, who are on a collision course with each other, are repeatedly unsuccessful in averting one another. As one person moves to their right, the other person moves to their left and vice versa. Each time they attempt a new maneuver, the frustrated pedestrians find themselves confronted by their counterpart.'
I would like to propose a new term specially constructed to describe another pesky pavement problem: PAV-HOGS. Standing for: (P)edestrians who (A)re (V)ile- (H)oggin (O)f (G)round (S)luts. Or more specifically, those annoying people who spread out four across a pavement , thereby blocking you from passing them. These people are usually teenagers, typically tryhards and are always walking at snail's pace.
Why do the four of you need to be together in a single row? Are you auditioning for A Chorus Line? Will being forced to walk behind your friend bring up your childhood abandonment issues?
I don't know whats worse, the thought of trying to get by you and meeting The Maker in a tragic automobile accident or being stuck behind you and forced to listen to you go through the ringtones on your mobile or talk about your plans to all go over to jason's house later and 'like, hate each other and shit.'
I've tried 'excuse me please' in my timid little mouse voice, I'm tried turning up my headphones loud so you can hear me coming, I've tried walking so close to you from behind that it almost seems indecent but clearly, you just can''t get the picture.
PAV-HOGS- I shake my fist at you, I really do. You may have gotten away with yet another day where you walked those slabs of stone as though they were paved in gold but be warned, I'm coming and I shall have no mercy. The last words you shall hear uttered upon this earth will be 'move the fuck out of my way, BI-ATCH!'