(no subject)
i should not be awake right now.
i want someone. i want something. i want anything but this right now.
i want to run.
i want to cry.
i want to not feel like i am falling everytime it gets dark dammit! i want to be stronger than this. i want to control something and i need to right now. right this moment. and there is nothing i can do.
i know it's all gone in the morning.
i hate how we think the bad thoughts are always the "real" thoughts and the happy ones are faux and just there to cover them up. i want to reverse that. i know i fall victim to it, but there is always that bit of light that does tell me its not true. i guess i am thankful for that.
it doesnt make it go away though.
the hardest part is to weather it...
i want to fly. i want to use myself. completely totally spend it. i have so many plans and i feel like time is suspended. and then when i need it to be slow it speeds up. ... it's like that for everyone though.
work tomorrow. that is to look forward to. same crew as sunday :) that will cheer me up if nothing else. yay brian.
weston is hopefully going to come over for a bbq on monday :) i miss my love. times like this are hard without him. maybe its because i know its the only time i really can't reach out for him. but i'm prepared.
i want someone. i want something. i want anything but this right now.
i want to run.
i want to cry.
i want to not feel like i am falling everytime it gets dark dammit! i want to be stronger than this. i want to control something and i need to right now. right this moment. and there is nothing i can do.
i know it's all gone in the morning.
i hate how we think the bad thoughts are always the "real" thoughts and the happy ones are faux and just there to cover them up. i want to reverse that. i know i fall victim to it, but there is always that bit of light that does tell me its not true. i guess i am thankful for that.
it doesnt make it go away though.
the hardest part is to weather it...
i want to fly. i want to use myself. completely totally spend it. i have so many plans and i feel like time is suspended. and then when i need it to be slow it speeds up. ... it's like that for everyone though.
work tomorrow. that is to look forward to. same crew as sunday :) that will cheer me up if nothing else. yay brian.
weston is hopefully going to come over for a bbq on monday :) i miss my love. times like this are hard without him. maybe its because i know its the only time i really can't reach out for him. but i'm prepared.