Why I may have stopped writing...and college.
I'm thumbing through my notebooks and trying to find some poem or something that would be light enough to put in here so I wouldn't have to write anything new...and everything is way too personal or way too heavy. It makes me seem way more pretentious than I'd like to let on.
Furthermore, I get the feeling that people who don't talk to me (anymore) are going to read this and pass judgment of what I'm about based solely on an isolated update.
So...I'll write about what's been on my mind? It seems harmless. If you want something more thoughtful, lemme know...and if you prefer concise updates of my dwelling, tell me that too? I aim to please when it comes to people reading my journal. If it wasn't about an audience, I'd just write it on paper.
Anyway, what I've been worrying about, mostly, has been where the hell I'm living next year. It's not that being homeless is likely or anything...so I suppose it's not a genuine fret. I just want to know where I've been accepted so that I can deliberate. East Lansing would be/will be a blast with the people I already know up there, but I feel like it would be JUST those people. Ann Arbor, on the other hand, would be within an hour of home and EL, not to mention the people I know there.
Florida is ideal academically. Financially and socially, it's almost suicide. But I feel like in a lot of idealistic ways school shouldn't be determined on the premises of money or friends. I know too many people or have heard of too many people who stayed near their friends/family out of fear, and now they're going to a shitty school because they wouldn't admit to themselves that they only stayed for the comfort aspect. They'll probably never move out of the state. It'll always be too much of a hassle or too expensive or too lonely to leave. And they'll hate themselves when they're 50 for not leaving when they were young. If for nothing else, I want to leave to see something new and be someone new. I've changed (obviously) a lot while I lived in the same place, and I want to go somewhere that doesn't know me for what I did when I was 15.
However, this will always be home, and there's something comforting about people who knew you when you wore fishnet shirts to school because you thought you were cooler than your age because you knew 18 year olds. It's humbling in the most familiar way...and I don't know if I should be away from that by an entire country. Not yet, at least.
Realistically, I don't know how the hell I would even pay for it. Also, I don't know what the school is actually like, aside from the fact that it's great as far as academic standards are concerned.
Lee said you get about 5 chances to travel in your life, and the time after high school is one. He left for California when he was in his early 20's and never moved back. Now he has a family in San Diego.
Maybe I'm just waiting for my acceptance letters so the decision is made for me.
I wonder I wonder I wonder.
emma
Furthermore, I get the feeling that people who don't talk to me (anymore) are going to read this and pass judgment of what I'm about based solely on an isolated update.
So...I'll write about what's been on my mind? It seems harmless. If you want something more thoughtful, lemme know...and if you prefer concise updates of my dwelling, tell me that too? I aim to please when it comes to people reading my journal. If it wasn't about an audience, I'd just write it on paper.
Anyway, what I've been worrying about, mostly, has been where the hell I'm living next year. It's not that being homeless is likely or anything...so I suppose it's not a genuine fret. I just want to know where I've been accepted so that I can deliberate. East Lansing would be/will be a blast with the people I already know up there, but I feel like it would be JUST those people. Ann Arbor, on the other hand, would be within an hour of home and EL, not to mention the people I know there.
Florida is ideal academically. Financially and socially, it's almost suicide. But I feel like in a lot of idealistic ways school shouldn't be determined on the premises of money or friends. I know too many people or have heard of too many people who stayed near their friends/family out of fear, and now they're going to a shitty school because they wouldn't admit to themselves that they only stayed for the comfort aspect. They'll probably never move out of the state. It'll always be too much of a hassle or too expensive or too lonely to leave. And they'll hate themselves when they're 50 for not leaving when they were young. If for nothing else, I want to leave to see something new and be someone new. I've changed (obviously) a lot while I lived in the same place, and I want to go somewhere that doesn't know me for what I did when I was 15.
However, this will always be home, and there's something comforting about people who knew you when you wore fishnet shirts to school because you thought you were cooler than your age because you knew 18 year olds. It's humbling in the most familiar way...and I don't know if I should be away from that by an entire country. Not yet, at least.
Realistically, I don't know how the hell I would even pay for it. Also, I don't know what the school is actually like, aside from the fact that it's great as far as academic standards are concerned.
Lee said you get about 5 chances to travel in your life, and the time after high school is one. He left for California when he was in his early 20's and never moved back. Now he has a family in San Diego.
Maybe I'm just waiting for my acceptance letters so the decision is made for me.
I wonder I wonder I wonder.
emma