hey, there's nothing on earth that could save us when I fell in love with uranus
After an entire week of feeling like absolute shit, I've decided that it takes up way too much energy and it is just really not productive at all. Discontent is really the most tiring emotion that one could have, and negativity really does nothing for a person's emotional and mental state either. This whole week, I've been just wanting to sleep everything away instead of actually finding something to be happy about. And now that it's Friday, now that classes are over, now that my freshman year of college is (basically) complete, I've realized that while I have been extremely happy here, I've also wasted a lot of time, both this year and in years past, being completely and utterly unhappy.
And there is really no reason to be so unhappy. I have food, shelter (even though it feels like a prison, but hey you take what you can get right?), and people I trust as friends and a boyfriend that has unlimited patience with me (unless he's drunk--then he gets mad, but that's just kind of hilarious). My family and I have actually been getting along better--we can have full phone conversations without getting into an argument these days, which is really nice, and they seem to have accepted that I'm actually, for real, dating someone. My grandmother seems to have played a large role in that.
I mean, yes, I do seem to be having some roommate issues, but I've also realized that at this point, it doesn't matter. It's sad that she and I used to be so close and it's really sad that suddenly, she seems to have turned for the worse, but at the same time, I'm glad that I learned all of this now instead of later. I'm glad that next year, I can come back and start fresh and that ties that need to be severed and be severed. I'm glad that I did get to know her for the time that I got to know her and I hope she knows that if she were to ever need anything, I'm still going to be here for her because despite the anger and resentment that I feel for her right now, I still care about her. And if she never needs me, that's okay too because I don't need her. I know who my friends are and the ones that are on the fence will eventually fall one way or another.
I'm not preaching passive-aggressiveness, but I have realized that if you think too much about certain things--things that, after awhile, won't really be that important--the negativity factor shoots up and your general mood and happiness shoot down. And you know what they say: it takes a lot more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Besides, I personally enjoy the act of smiling--a real smile, not a fake one.
So the end of freshman year has left me with a completely different circle of friends than I started with (and I love them to death), a new perception of myself (clearly, I have more personal problems than I care to address, but I also know that I'm working through them day by day), a new attitude on other people (I have begun to care less and less about what people think), and an appreciation for those to try to understand me--and even when they don't, they love me nevertheless. And those are the kinds of people that I want to keep around for a long time. Fickle relationships with other people are not the kind of thing that I'm looking for anymore. I'm done being the nice one, the one that people decide they can walk all over.
I don't know if I've completely changed since I left home for Boston, but I do know that I have grown up a lot. I also know that I still have a lot of growing up to do. But I'm okay with that, because I know that there will always be a part of me that's still a little kid at heart, the part of me that likes ice skating on the pond, coloring in coloring books and accidentally coloring outside the lines, eating cookie dough, and watching The Mighty Ducks for the 50 billionth time. There will always be the part of me that likes dancing around the room and singing at the top of my lungs with my friends, or alone you know, whatever works. And you know what? I'm really happy about that.
And to further the happiness, this is and will probably always be, my favorite McFly video. Oh how I love the British...
And there is really no reason to be so unhappy. I have food, shelter (even though it feels like a prison, but hey you take what you can get right?), and people I trust as friends and a boyfriend that has unlimited patience with me (unless he's drunk--then he gets mad, but that's just kind of hilarious). My family and I have actually been getting along better--we can have full phone conversations without getting into an argument these days, which is really nice, and they seem to have accepted that I'm actually, for real, dating someone. My grandmother seems to have played a large role in that.
I mean, yes, I do seem to be having some roommate issues, but I've also realized that at this point, it doesn't matter. It's sad that she and I used to be so close and it's really sad that suddenly, she seems to have turned for the worse, but at the same time, I'm glad that I learned all of this now instead of later. I'm glad that next year, I can come back and start fresh and that ties that need to be severed and be severed. I'm glad that I did get to know her for the time that I got to know her and I hope she knows that if she were to ever need anything, I'm still going to be here for her because despite the anger and resentment that I feel for her right now, I still care about her. And if she never needs me, that's okay too because I don't need her. I know who my friends are and the ones that are on the fence will eventually fall one way or another.
I'm not preaching passive-aggressiveness, but I have realized that if you think too much about certain things--things that, after awhile, won't really be that important--the negativity factor shoots up and your general mood and happiness shoot down. And you know what they say: it takes a lot more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Besides, I personally enjoy the act of smiling--a real smile, not a fake one.
So the end of freshman year has left me with a completely different circle of friends than I started with (and I love them to death), a new perception of myself (clearly, I have more personal problems than I care to address, but I also know that I'm working through them day by day), a new attitude on other people (I have begun to care less and less about what people think), and an appreciation for those to try to understand me--and even when they don't, they love me nevertheless. And those are the kinds of people that I want to keep around for a long time. Fickle relationships with other people are not the kind of thing that I'm looking for anymore. I'm done being the nice one, the one that people decide they can walk all over.
I don't know if I've completely changed since I left home for Boston, but I do know that I have grown up a lot. I also know that I still have a lot of growing up to do. But I'm okay with that, because I know that there will always be a part of me that's still a little kid at heart, the part of me that likes ice skating on the pond, coloring in coloring books and accidentally coloring outside the lines, eating cookie dough, and watching The Mighty Ducks for the 50 billionth time. There will always be the part of me that likes dancing around the room and singing at the top of my lungs with my friends, or alone you know, whatever works. And you know what? I'm really happy about that.
And to further the happiness, this is and will probably always be, my favorite McFly video. Oh how I love the British...
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