My First, My Last, My Everything (Oneshot)
Title: My First, My Last, My Everything
Author: Melody0606
Client: proximaC
Genre(s): Angst, Tragedy
Pairing: Ji Hoon (Rain)/Awana
Length: Oneshot
Listing: 1/1
Rating: PG-13 (Some implied sexual content)
Summary: He missed her. He missed his little sparrow. He didn't mean to hurt her. He didn't mean to destroy her spirit.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters within the story itself. All characters belong under their repestive entertainments, hwoever the plot and any fictional characters remain spawns of my thoughts ;)
My First, My Last, My Everything (Oneshot)
Birds don't like cages. It hurts our wings - it hurts our pride. It's difficult for us to sing caged. It's difficult to talk.
I can't talk to Ji Hoon, not even after the two years into our relationship. I've never felt so apart, so distant from another person.
The gap between us is too great, a shocking five years of age, but my brother liked him. Ji Hoon would good for me. He was good to me. But he didn't know me. He didn't even notice me. He didn't let me call him by his name. He didn’t let me go out with my friends.
He kept me caged.
At home.
Alone.
I couldn't fly.
Ji Hoon worked long hours at a software company, coming home late, leaving home early. That was his routine.
And me, I was the little bird that would flit around him, waiting for him to give me the attention I so badly craved.
Love didn't mind being caged.
No, only my pride.
But love didn't like being hurt either. No, it didn't like being yelled at on nights when Ji Hoon came home smelling of alcohol from a bad day at work. It didn't like being tossed around and beaten when I spoke up for myself. It didn't like the pain.
The door slammed open and I looked up from my book to see Ji Hoon coming in through the door, a thunderous expression blackening his face. I closed my book and tossed it to the side.
The noise caught his attention and he glared at me.
“Where have you been?” He hissed fiercely.
I furrowed my brows. “At home.”
He scowled.
“I saw Changmin today. He said he you were with him.”
A curl of fear rippled in my stomach.
I liked to paint. Painting was a freedom that I had yet to give up despite Ji Hoon's warnings. Painting made me feel free. And with painting came friendship in the form of Changmin, a sweet character that always came to me to judge his works as a young talent.
“He stopped by to ask me for some advice on his artwork. He was -”
The rest of my words were drown out by the slap, Ji Hoon's palm reddening my cheek. My head was forced to the side, and a few tears leaked out.
He growled. “Why are you crying?”
I pressed my lips together, trying to pull myself together. I didn't want to fall apart. Not when we had come this far.
“I haven't even touched you! Why are you crying?!” He yelled, pushing me onto my back.
I flinched. “I'm sorry.”
He slapped me again, and I hiccuped from the tears and the pain, my hands traveling to cradle my cheek.
The pain hurt.
“Why?” He suddenly exploded. “Why is it every time I see you, you're always with him?”
I whimpered, at a complete loss for words. “Who?”
His eyes darkened. “Changmin - that little shit! Why do you always go to him?!” His hands curled around my wrist.
“He's a friend - he's only a friend.” I promised hurriedly.
A knee was shoved into my stomach.
“Liar!” The word crawled up my neck like a snake, his voice caressing me. “Am I not enough?!”
I shook my head quickly, hair flying into my face, and tears staining my cheeks.
“Don't try to act innocent - I've seen you. I've seen you let him touch you.”
“That's not true Ji Hoon. He -”
“Tell me where? Tell me where his hands have been, where you've let him touch you!” He dragged out.
“Jihoon, Changmin has -”
Another slap.
“That's not my name. Say my name.”
“Rain...Rain...” I bit out, squirming underneath his body.
He snorted, leaning down and brushing his lips over my neck. “It's a pity you had to be so beautiful.” He murmured darkly.
The next few moments were a blur, my eyes blinded my tears and the touch of hands - god his hands - caressing one inch of naked skin after the other. My night gown laid forgotten on the floor, and my voice was hoarse from all the screaming.
This wasn’t what I wanted. This wasn't what he was. He wasn't this monster.
A hand found its way between my thighs, and after that there was only white blinding pain.
Ji Hoon had never touched me - he wanted to keep me pure. He wanted me to stay a virgin so he could properly mark me as his. And I wanted him to mark me...but not like this.
When he finished and pulled away, I laid there on the couch forgotten, a smear of blood on my thigh, and legs thrown wide open.
The tears burned I my eyes.
Yes, he had marked me. Marked me for the rest for my life.
The next morning the night gown on the floor was gone...and so was I.
---------------------
He missed her. He missed his little sparrow. He didn't mean to hurt her. He didn't mean to destroy her spirit.
His eyes caught the corner of the painting she had made for him when they had first moved in together - a beautiful landscape full of greens and blue birds.
His favorite, because they reminded him of her.
Ji Hoon gritted his teeth in frustration, slamming his cup of coffee onto the floor.
He wanted her back.
He loved her.
---------------------
Three months - three long months of loneliness, of brokenness. Our love stayed broken for the three months of our separation.
And in those three months of separation, I learned to fly again. I learned to be free.
Days were no longer spent holed up in an empty apartment. So Eun, a close friend from middle school, had allowed me to stay in her apartment on the condition I paint for her. She wanted to fill her house with my paintings, and I was more than happy to oblige.
I spent my afternoons showering the world around me in reds, greens, blushes, washes of gold even, a color I had promised myself I would never use.
Yet, this new found freedom couldn't stop me from remembering what I had left behind. It didn't help me forget Ji Hoon. It only reminded me more.
I didn't plan on going back. There was nothing to go back to, and the wound he had made in my heart, had left a scar. A jagged ugly thing that continued to remind me of that fateful night.
But things change. People change, and when my brother called me about Ji Hoon, I found a reason to go back.
My phone rang, the tune echoing in the room, and I picked it up with tired hands. My body always felt tired - it felt exhausted.
“Hello?”
“Ji Hoon, he was robbed.”
I blinked at my phone in surprise.
“What?”
A pause.
“Awana, he's in the hospital,” My brother said.
The phone slipped out of my hand, clattering to the floor.
-------------------
I ran down the halls, the white walls blurring past my eyes.
'Room 201. Room 201. Room - Oh god, Ji Hoon. Ji Hoon, please!'
Room 201 flashed across my eyes, and I stopped, throwing open the door. Beeps greeted me from within the room, along with the figure of my brother folded into a chair, and seated next to an unconscious and neatly bandaged Ji Hoon.
“Ji Hoon...Ji Hoon!” I screamed, running to the bed. I grabbed his pale hand squeezing and babbling, because I couldn't trust myself to do anything else.
Other than cry.
I kept saying sorry - how sorry I was for leaving him, how sorry I was for hurting him, how sorry I was for not loving him enough, and most importantly, how sorry I was for not telling him.
For not telling him about our new family.
“Ji Hoon please, please wake up! Ji Hoon, you need to open your eyes! You need to be here with me, with our baby. Please Ji Hoon, wake up! I need you awake! Our baby is waiting for you!” I urged him. “I'm pregnant, with your - our baby! Please, you have to be awake from him. You have to wake up!”
My brother unfolded himself from his chair at my outburst, and quietly left, his own mind laden with similar thoughts.
I kept crying and rambling nonsense, one sentence after another, and finally my resolve broke. I crumbled to the ground, Ji Hoon's fingers still laced with mine.
“I love you. I still love you. Don't leave...”