Sometimes being right sucks...
As promised, here is the post-post post. No, the check didn't show up today, but we already knew that. Looks like it isn't going to show up tomorrow, either. Mikal, as usual, got pissy about it, and was in a horrible mood. That means he snaps at me when it's not warranted, so I just shut up and let the storm pass. It sucks that it's that way, but that's human nature sometimes. Hell, I know that I snap at him when I'm pissy, too...but this is a HUGE "I told you so".
Today I'm looking back on the decisions I've made in my life. I can tell you that this decision to move out here with Mikal is right up there in the forehead smacking, "What was I thinking?!?!?" Mind you, he is and has been the "love of my life". I can't help the way I feel with this man. Sometimes he's the most adorable person on the planet. Other times he's the most INFURIATING person I've ever been around. OK, so that happens a lot more than the adorable part. Again, I just can't help the way I feel.
The way I feel is this: I can't imagine life without him. Of course, I had 4-1/2 years without him, and did pretty OK for myself. Not at first; I was pretty screwed up. But I got better! ;)
So, I dropped this killer job, dropped a very nice man (although there were issues there, too), and drove across the country to be with my soul-mate. I never believed in one until I met him. He is truly the other half of me, and I'm a pain in the ass!
The problem is this: I love too much. I love too many. The further into the spiritual side of myself I go, the worse it gets. I try to look on the bright side of life. I try to see good about everyone, even when it seems impossible. The more I am able to achieve this "love towards others" thing, the harder it is for me to separate that love into appropriate compartments.
For example: I still love Nathan. After all we went through, and as INcompatable as we are, I still have love for him. I still miss some of the things we had in that relationship, and I know that we had a decent partnership. Furthermore, I still love Tim, too. I wish that it were possible for me to have relationships with all three of these men that I love, but it's really not. Tim and I laugh and share soooo much, and there is a definite bond there. I will always cherish it, even when I am not able to act on it. We were best friends before we dated, best friends throughout our 11 months together, and remained good friends afterwards, even meeting for drinks at Hustler's Casino every other week or so for lunch. I miss those times, and I have sorely missed the companionship I have with him.
I know that with him I would be safe, taken care of, and loved dearly. MAJOR security with him. I couldn't ask for a more devoted and caring man. We broke up because I felt he needed maturing, and I think he's done that. As have I. But, now look where we are. It's an impossible situation at this time. Bummer.
On the other hand, there is Mikal. There are absolutely NO certainties with him whatsoever. I know that he loves me, but he is a very independent person (as am I) and that makes for some serious time alone. Even when we're right next to each other, I can feel so alone. But, I don't have to take care of him. I had to take care of everyone else I've dated (and sometimes their children, too). It's refreshing to not have to do that, which is one thing I think that makes this work. I can not put into words the feelings that I have for him, but I'll try, or else this journaling thing is for nothing.
I see myself when I look at him. The things that frustrate the HELL out of me about him are the same things I dislike in my own personality. Which is why I think that this is where I need to be. If I can learn to love those things, I can love them in myself - thus loving myself more fully. Gawd, how "new age" that sounds! Yuck-yuck-yuck.
Back on track, though...there are times when he and I come together and it's just a unity. I feel what he feels, I think what he thinks, and there are many times I'm just content to "be" around him. I am learning to stand up for myself, even when it's tough. I'm learning patience and how to swallow my pride. However, I'm learning the MOST valuable lesson here: do NOT compromise self in order to please another. DO NOT put other people's needs above that of your own. I still struggle with it, but the bottom line is that I have to take care of myself. Nobody else can do that for me like I can. Sure, they can provide financial security, emotional security (in the case of cheating vs. fidelity), and basic needs (roof over my head, food in my belly), but they can not do for me that which NEEDS to be done. I must make sure that I am emotionally true to myself and others. I must speak out when there is something not right.
Boy, I got way off track with this post. Sorry.
I am becoming more and more at peace within myself, and it feels good. Life = George (meaning that spiritually enlightened people are boring)still holds true, though. I am a fallable human being, and I like to indulge. I like good food and physical comforts; hugs, kisses, heiny-gruben ;). I eat a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup when I know I want to lose a few pounds. I embrace the fact that I have the ability to enjoy the ice cream. How sad would this world be if that which brings us joy is denied?
I say EAT THE DAMN ICE CREAM! ENJOY THE DAMN KIT-KATS AND SNICKERS! Go to Disneyland with a loved one, even when you think you *should* be doing something else. What if that was the last opportunity I ever had to go to Disneyland and I gave it up to hob-nob with someone that I don't truly enjoy every second I am with them? Bullshit, man! I'm not saying that you could die tomorrow, so forget all of your responsibilities (although if we knew we were going to die tomorrow, how many of us would go to work? Not it!). I am simply saying that you should seize the opportunities to do things that make you happy in the depth of your soul. It makes you feel really good... :)
I think I'm done with the philosophizing for now. Hell, I'm not even sure I spelled it right!
Have a great evening...I know that I will. There's more ice cream.
Today I'm looking back on the decisions I've made in my life. I can tell you that this decision to move out here with Mikal is right up there in the forehead smacking, "What was I thinking?!?!?" Mind you, he is and has been the "love of my life". I can't help the way I feel with this man. Sometimes he's the most adorable person on the planet. Other times he's the most INFURIATING person I've ever been around. OK, so that happens a lot more than the adorable part. Again, I just can't help the way I feel.
The way I feel is this: I can't imagine life without him. Of course, I had 4-1/2 years without him, and did pretty OK for myself. Not at first; I was pretty screwed up. But I got better! ;)
So, I dropped this killer job, dropped a very nice man (although there were issues there, too), and drove across the country to be with my soul-mate. I never believed in one until I met him. He is truly the other half of me, and I'm a pain in the ass!
The problem is this: I love too much. I love too many. The further into the spiritual side of myself I go, the worse it gets. I try to look on the bright side of life. I try to see good about everyone, even when it seems impossible. The more I am able to achieve this "love towards others" thing, the harder it is for me to separate that love into appropriate compartments.
For example: I still love Nathan. After all we went through, and as INcompatable as we are, I still have love for him. I still miss some of the things we had in that relationship, and I know that we had a decent partnership. Furthermore, I still love Tim, too. I wish that it were possible for me to have relationships with all three of these men that I love, but it's really not. Tim and I laugh and share soooo much, and there is a definite bond there. I will always cherish it, even when I am not able to act on it. We were best friends before we dated, best friends throughout our 11 months together, and remained good friends afterwards, even meeting for drinks at Hustler's Casino every other week or so for lunch. I miss those times, and I have sorely missed the companionship I have with him.
I know that with him I would be safe, taken care of, and loved dearly. MAJOR security with him. I couldn't ask for a more devoted and caring man. We broke up because I felt he needed maturing, and I think he's done that. As have I. But, now look where we are. It's an impossible situation at this time. Bummer.
On the other hand, there is Mikal. There are absolutely NO certainties with him whatsoever. I know that he loves me, but he is a very independent person (as am I) and that makes for some serious time alone. Even when we're right next to each other, I can feel so alone. But, I don't have to take care of him. I had to take care of everyone else I've dated (and sometimes their children, too). It's refreshing to not have to do that, which is one thing I think that makes this work. I can not put into words the feelings that I have for him, but I'll try, or else this journaling thing is for nothing.
I see myself when I look at him. The things that frustrate the HELL out of me about him are the same things I dislike in my own personality. Which is why I think that this is where I need to be. If I can learn to love those things, I can love them in myself - thus loving myself more fully. Gawd, how "new age" that sounds! Yuck-yuck-yuck.
Back on track, though...there are times when he and I come together and it's just a unity. I feel what he feels, I think what he thinks, and there are many times I'm just content to "be" around him. I am learning to stand up for myself, even when it's tough. I'm learning patience and how to swallow my pride. However, I'm learning the MOST valuable lesson here: do NOT compromise self in order to please another. DO NOT put other people's needs above that of your own. I still struggle with it, but the bottom line is that I have to take care of myself. Nobody else can do that for me like I can. Sure, they can provide financial security, emotional security (in the case of cheating vs. fidelity), and basic needs (roof over my head, food in my belly), but they can not do for me that which NEEDS to be done. I must make sure that I am emotionally true to myself and others. I must speak out when there is something not right.
Boy, I got way off track with this post. Sorry.
I am becoming more and more at peace within myself, and it feels good. Life = George (meaning that spiritually enlightened people are boring)still holds true, though. I am a fallable human being, and I like to indulge. I like good food and physical comforts; hugs, kisses, heiny-gruben ;). I eat a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup when I know I want to lose a few pounds. I embrace the fact that I have the ability to enjoy the ice cream. How sad would this world be if that which brings us joy is denied?
I say EAT THE DAMN ICE CREAM! ENJOY THE DAMN KIT-KATS AND SNICKERS! Go to Disneyland with a loved one, even when you think you *should* be doing something else. What if that was the last opportunity I ever had to go to Disneyland and I gave it up to hob-nob with someone that I don't truly enjoy every second I am with them? Bullshit, man! I'm not saying that you could die tomorrow, so forget all of your responsibilities (although if we knew we were going to die tomorrow, how many of us would go to work? Not it!). I am simply saying that you should seize the opportunities to do things that make you happy in the depth of your soul. It makes you feel really good... :)
I think I'm done with the philosophizing for now. Hell, I'm not even sure I spelled it right!
Have a great evening...I know that I will. There's more ice cream.