(no subject)
wow, it's been a while, hasn't it?
owkay, school updates: 3 courses that i have to redo, from the 15, so not a real disaster XD this term is alright ad everything, but i still hate getting fucking homework.
in September i did this sort of birthdayparty, but with Philip, Lynn and me as the birthdaypeople :) We all had our birthdays in that month, so we decided to host a party for the 3 of us :D had lots of fun there, got a necklace from Sam that made me smile ear to ear, and discovered that i become pretty jealous when he talks to other girls. I've never really been through an emotion like that, jealousy. Sure, i'm envious of a ffew people, but really JEALOUS, as in wanting to kill people until they die to death... not really. Until Sam talked to some girls Lynn had brought with her at the party. I distracted myself with Cleo and stuff, and tried to not make it show, and i think it worked, because i didn't receive any odd looks XD aside some weird glances because i was wearing a very long dress (hurt my knee and didn't want to walk around with that shit visible :p) and since we went bowling, i kind of looked very overdressed :p afterwards we went for dinner, which was very nice, and then we went home, because it was on a Sunday, and lots of people had to go to school or go to work the next day.
uhm, school started, and i started hanging out with a girl named MArgo. She's nice enough, sometimes a little too feminist for me, but meh, we all have our opinions :) we share some laughs during class, which helps during the duller classes. Don't get me wrong, most of what is being taught, is very interesting, but then there are these courses that make me want to yell "and WHAT exactly does this have to do with the college department i'm in?", and sometimes, the matter is so easy that i'm just BORED in class. There is this class called "phonetics", and most of what we've been doing has already been explained and practiced last year, so i'm wondering what the hell i'm doing there most of the time. That's where Margo comes in :) she distracts us from class when we're sure we're not missing anything, but when it's time to pay attention and take notes, she's quiet aka exactly right to be a friend in school :D We share a lot of ideas and principles, yet we're different enough from each other that we can have some very interesting conversations.
School isn't the only thing going awesome for me by the way :) I'm going to 30 seconds to mars the 30th of November! :D i've arranged it, so that Aline will drive us to the concert hall, and that i'm staying at her place for the night. Since she works pretty close to the tram stop where i need to be in the mornings, it's superdupereasy for me to go to school the next day. My mom gave me the green light, as soon as she knew how i planned on doing all of this (she was worried because there aren't any trains that go to the station where i need to be after the concert, and staying outside during winter is just...NO. And i thought Aline wasn't going to drive to the concert hall, so i HAD to go by train.)
And i'm pleased to inform you that i've FINALLY been to F.A.C.T.S this year :) Sam and Mercedes both asked me, and i pleaded with mom until she agreed (i have to admit that my mother is becoming less strict :D she still puts school first, but so do i.) and i'm so glad that i did. Not only did i have the greatest time, i also met this fantastic guy named Lorenzo :D He told me he could not understand why guys didn't want me (and in particular why Sam didn't...I just told him that Sam had a bad taste in women :p). He also said that if he didn't have a girlfirend, he'd want me. Coincidentally, he was having relationship troubles(the girl compeltely ignored him when he stood next to her, i was there to witness it, it was really WEIRD O_O), and the day after i met Lorenzo, he broke up with his girlfriend. They're still friends though :) apparently, the girl stopped feeling crazy about him, so she thought it'd be best if they just broke it off.
I got to know him through Sam. I was there with Mercedes and Joachim (mercedes' boyfriend), and texted Sam to know where he was. I searched, then finally found Sam, and Lorenzo was standing next to him. Lorenzo needed money,and i did too, so the 5 of us went to the local ATM machine. But there was such a giant line that MErcedes and Joachim decided to go back inside FACTS, and told me they'd wait. So I was alone with Lorenzo and Sam. Somehow i had to explain to Lorenzo what kind of dirty images i always gave Sam (had to with a joke :p), and when i told him i really wanted Sam to spank me, Lorenzo said "i'd have no problem whatsoever in spanking you", so we talked a little further, and it turned out that he was a BDSM fanatic, both submissive and dominant :) Oh, and he's bisexual, but really, nowadays who really CARES xD at least i don't. anyway, we(=Sam, Lorenzo and me) were waiting in line, when Sam got a text from Aurelie (yeah, that girl he had a crush on was there too, and i'm very glad i didn't have to look at that girl's face for long or i would have done something very unladylike. But Sam had warned me, if i wasn't going to be nice, he was going to be angry with me...so i promised myself i'd behave, which wasn't necessary in the end because i only had to endure her presence for a few minutes). So Sam got that text, and left me and Lorenzo alone, which was a little awkward, considering i knew the guy for like 5 minutes. But, me and Lorenzo started talking, and we really hit it off well :D especially when it came to the topic of sex x) so after we had our money, we stood outside and talked and talked and talked XD Mercedes and Joachim had already gone (MErcedes taking my fucking scarf with her because she had forgotten about that), and so me and Lorenzo ended up staying with each other for hours on end. He has a catgirl fetish (fetish is an understatement really xD), and told me some interesting ideas, both from his experience and things he'd be able to handle, and i have to say that my fantasies could come true with this guy x)
I liked him, said that to Sam at the end of FACTS (when i got to see the dude again...), but he warned me that he was a player and that i should be careful.
Now I've seen him last Thursday, and had Cleo, Mercedes and Lynn sort of mark him. They all agreed that he wasn't bad (Cleo found him more attractive than Sam :p and Mercedes thought he was nicer :D), so they approved, but warned him that if he hurt me, they would hunt him down XD me and him had a sort of mini-date-thing(people keep calling it a date, but i don't really see it that way) after the girls left. We went to the mall and i bought him a milkshake, because he forgot his wallet xD also, he survived on 4 hours of sleep, just so he could spend a decent amount of time with me, if that doesn't show he's awesome... We managed a sort of normal convo, but ran into Sam again (and for the first time, i actually wasn't excited about that XD). I also have to tell you that the whole thing was sneaky, because i had to be home early and wasn't, but me and dad conspired and mom is none the wiser XD
now the 13th, my parents are going babysitting, and i've invited him to my house :) i know this sounds a little reckless, but it's a sort of test. For both of us, might i add. If Lorenzo doesn't force me to do dirty things, i'm giving it a shot with him. At the same time, i'm going to test MY self control, which will probably falter as soon as my hormones decide it's party time xD but nevertheless, i'm going to try and be good. I don't want him to think i'm a cheap piece of ass, even though i know i probably act like that sometimes. It's just.... i have a realy high libido, and having a guy near me who openly says he finds me attractive makes my libido act up. I think it's because i've never had that experience before. You know, he even called me DANGEROUS for him when we were at F.A.C.T.S, because i made him want me or something... so fucking flattering to finally hear those words :) i personally never thought i'd ever hear them. So, yeah i realize that wanting to do dirty things with a guy i barely know can be seen as cheap. There are moments where i find my attraction towards him absolutely ridiculous, where i'm ashamed of how quickly this guy can make my mind switch to sex-mode, but it is that way, and frankly, if a girl can fuck a guy after she knows him for just one evening, i'm allowed to drool allover a guy i know for a few weeks. Especially a guy who openly claims his interest in me. Even though Sam warned me about Lorenzo's rep. as a player.
I guess that's why i'm scared at the same time. I'm scared he's only saying those things to get what he wants from me. I'm scared he's playing with my feelings, so he could kiss me and have me as a sort of trophy. I am so, so very scared that he'll turn out to be a big jerk. Having my first kiss and my first time sex is something very important to me. Some people find it lame that i consider my first kiss as something special, but i don't care. I do. And i treat it as such. I want my first kiss to be something that is not taken lightly, i want that the person who gets my lip-virginity realises what kind of gift i'm giving him, and appreciates it accordingly. I have waited 19 years to give it, and it better have been worth the wait.
Now i know that it probably won't be perfect, and that's not really what i'm after. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to feel right. It needs to be spontaneous and sweet, romantic and passionate. I want my first kiss to FEEL perfect, even though it wasn't in real life. And i'm terrified that once given, it will be dissapointing to look back upon. Same thing with first time sex. I'm not a prude by any standard, but i have my principles. I will not ever sleep with a guy who can't bring himself to be my boyfriend. That's just so wrong. Such an intimate thing should only be shared with people who love and respect you. I know people who have given their virginity to people who weren't worth it in the end, and i don't want to feel the same regret.
These are the reasons why i'm scared to go further with Lorenzo, and why i didn't do anything with Sam, though i wanted to. I didn't with Sam, because he didn't want me, and i was scared of getting no response whatsoever from him. Imagine giving your first kiss to someone who didn't even want to be kissed by you...so humiliating and painful. i didn't want that. I'm scared of doing it with Lorenzo now, because i have this irrational fear that Lorenzo only wants to get in my pants, and does not see this as seriously as i do. I'm scared that he will think of me as easy and cheap, and i will turn into the exact type of girl i hate.
I know that this fear of mine will probably sound very silly when i read this entry a few months from now on orso, but for now this is how i feel. The unknown tends to scare people.
I don't know how the 13th will go, but i do know that i will not be forced into anything, and if he even TRIES to force me, i'm kicking his balls off. I like being rough in the bedroom, but there's a difference between rough sex and doing things against your will.
...I don't even know why i'm freaking out like this. Lorenzo likes being a pet (a cat to be precise XD), and pets (and generally submissives) tend to not force anything, but to patiently wait for their rewards :) But i wonder what happens when his dominant side comes out... hence the fear.
Also, and that's something i'll have to ask him too, he's bisexual, and while i don't have any problems with that, a family member of mine did pose a good question. She's skeptical of bisexuals because she claims they always have a preference for a certain gender. So, my aunt asked me "how do you know he's not going to crave guys after a while? It could be that he's just temporarily into girls, and then what?" and in all honesty, i had no answer to that. Would i be enough to keep him from desiring guys? how does this work inside his head? i have no clue. I want to ask him, but at the same time i feel that he's going to run away from me if i'm going to ask too many questions. Maybe he'll just be like "fine, don't be with me then" and run off?
fuck my insecurities >:(
owkay, school updates: 3 courses that i have to redo, from the 15, so not a real disaster XD this term is alright ad everything, but i still hate getting fucking homework.
in September i did this sort of birthdayparty, but with Philip, Lynn and me as the birthdaypeople :) We all had our birthdays in that month, so we decided to host a party for the 3 of us :D had lots of fun there, got a necklace from Sam that made me smile ear to ear, and discovered that i become pretty jealous when he talks to other girls. I've never really been through an emotion like that, jealousy. Sure, i'm envious of a ffew people, but really JEALOUS, as in wanting to kill people until they die to death... not really. Until Sam talked to some girls Lynn had brought with her at the party. I distracted myself with Cleo and stuff, and tried to not make it show, and i think it worked, because i didn't receive any odd looks XD aside some weird glances because i was wearing a very long dress (hurt my knee and didn't want to walk around with that shit visible :p) and since we went bowling, i kind of looked very overdressed :p afterwards we went for dinner, which was very nice, and then we went home, because it was on a Sunday, and lots of people had to go to school or go to work the next day.
uhm, school started, and i started hanging out with a girl named MArgo. She's nice enough, sometimes a little too feminist for me, but meh, we all have our opinions :) we share some laughs during class, which helps during the duller classes. Don't get me wrong, most of what is being taught, is very interesting, but then there are these courses that make me want to yell "and WHAT exactly does this have to do with the college department i'm in?", and sometimes, the matter is so easy that i'm just BORED in class. There is this class called "phonetics", and most of what we've been doing has already been explained and practiced last year, so i'm wondering what the hell i'm doing there most of the time. That's where Margo comes in :) she distracts us from class when we're sure we're not missing anything, but when it's time to pay attention and take notes, she's quiet aka exactly right to be a friend in school :D We share a lot of ideas and principles, yet we're different enough from each other that we can have some very interesting conversations.
School isn't the only thing going awesome for me by the way :) I'm going to 30 seconds to mars the 30th of November! :D i've arranged it, so that Aline will drive us to the concert hall, and that i'm staying at her place for the night. Since she works pretty close to the tram stop where i need to be in the mornings, it's superdupereasy for me to go to school the next day. My mom gave me the green light, as soon as she knew how i planned on doing all of this (she was worried because there aren't any trains that go to the station where i need to be after the concert, and staying outside during winter is just...NO. And i thought Aline wasn't going to drive to the concert hall, so i HAD to go by train.)
And i'm pleased to inform you that i've FINALLY been to F.A.C.T.S this year :) Sam and Mercedes both asked me, and i pleaded with mom until she agreed (i have to admit that my mother is becoming less strict :D she still puts school first, but so do i.) and i'm so glad that i did. Not only did i have the greatest time, i also met this fantastic guy named Lorenzo :D He told me he could not understand why guys didn't want me (and in particular why Sam didn't...I just told him that Sam had a bad taste in women :p). He also said that if he didn't have a girlfirend, he'd want me. Coincidentally, he was having relationship troubles(the girl compeltely ignored him when he stood next to her, i was there to witness it, it was really WEIRD O_O), and the day after i met Lorenzo, he broke up with his girlfriend. They're still friends though :) apparently, the girl stopped feeling crazy about him, so she thought it'd be best if they just broke it off.
I got to know him through Sam. I was there with Mercedes and Joachim (mercedes' boyfriend), and texted Sam to know where he was. I searched, then finally found Sam, and Lorenzo was standing next to him. Lorenzo needed money,and i did too, so the 5 of us went to the local ATM machine. But there was such a giant line that MErcedes and Joachim decided to go back inside FACTS, and told me they'd wait. So I was alone with Lorenzo and Sam. Somehow i had to explain to Lorenzo what kind of dirty images i always gave Sam (had to with a joke :p), and when i told him i really wanted Sam to spank me, Lorenzo said "i'd have no problem whatsoever in spanking you", so we talked a little further, and it turned out that he was a BDSM fanatic, both submissive and dominant :) Oh, and he's bisexual, but really, nowadays who really CARES xD at least i don't. anyway, we(=Sam, Lorenzo and me) were waiting in line, when Sam got a text from Aurelie (yeah, that girl he had a crush on was there too, and i'm very glad i didn't have to look at that girl's face for long or i would have done something very unladylike. But Sam had warned me, if i wasn't going to be nice, he was going to be angry with me...so i promised myself i'd behave, which wasn't necessary in the end because i only had to endure her presence for a few minutes). So Sam got that text, and left me and Lorenzo alone, which was a little awkward, considering i knew the guy for like 5 minutes. But, me and Lorenzo started talking, and we really hit it off well :D especially when it came to the topic of sex x) so after we had our money, we stood outside and talked and talked and talked XD Mercedes and Joachim had already gone (MErcedes taking my fucking scarf with her because she had forgotten about that), and so me and Lorenzo ended up staying with each other for hours on end. He has a catgirl fetish (fetish is an understatement really xD), and told me some interesting ideas, both from his experience and things he'd be able to handle, and i have to say that my fantasies could come true with this guy x)
I liked him, said that to Sam at the end of FACTS (when i got to see the dude again...), but he warned me that he was a player and that i should be careful.
Now I've seen him last Thursday, and had Cleo, Mercedes and Lynn sort of mark him. They all agreed that he wasn't bad (Cleo found him more attractive than Sam :p and Mercedes thought he was nicer :D), so they approved, but warned him that if he hurt me, they would hunt him down XD me and him had a sort of mini-date-thing(people keep calling it a date, but i don't really see it that way) after the girls left. We went to the mall and i bought him a milkshake, because he forgot his wallet xD also, he survived on 4 hours of sleep, just so he could spend a decent amount of time with me, if that doesn't show he's awesome... We managed a sort of normal convo, but ran into Sam again (and for the first time, i actually wasn't excited about that XD). I also have to tell you that the whole thing was sneaky, because i had to be home early and wasn't, but me and dad conspired and mom is none the wiser XD
now the 13th, my parents are going babysitting, and i've invited him to my house :) i know this sounds a little reckless, but it's a sort of test. For both of us, might i add. If Lorenzo doesn't force me to do dirty things, i'm giving it a shot with him. At the same time, i'm going to test MY self control, which will probably falter as soon as my hormones decide it's party time xD but nevertheless, i'm going to try and be good. I don't want him to think i'm a cheap piece of ass, even though i know i probably act like that sometimes. It's just.... i have a realy high libido, and having a guy near me who openly says he finds me attractive makes my libido act up. I think it's because i've never had that experience before. You know, he even called me DANGEROUS for him when we were at F.A.C.T.S, because i made him want me or something... so fucking flattering to finally hear those words :) i personally never thought i'd ever hear them. So, yeah i realize that wanting to do dirty things with a guy i barely know can be seen as cheap. There are moments where i find my attraction towards him absolutely ridiculous, where i'm ashamed of how quickly this guy can make my mind switch to sex-mode, but it is that way, and frankly, if a girl can fuck a guy after she knows him for just one evening, i'm allowed to drool allover a guy i know for a few weeks. Especially a guy who openly claims his interest in me. Even though Sam warned me about Lorenzo's rep. as a player.
I guess that's why i'm scared at the same time. I'm scared he's only saying those things to get what he wants from me. I'm scared he's playing with my feelings, so he could kiss me and have me as a sort of trophy. I am so, so very scared that he'll turn out to be a big jerk. Having my first kiss and my first time sex is something very important to me. Some people find it lame that i consider my first kiss as something special, but i don't care. I do. And i treat it as such. I want my first kiss to be something that is not taken lightly, i want that the person who gets my lip-virginity realises what kind of gift i'm giving him, and appreciates it accordingly. I have waited 19 years to give it, and it better have been worth the wait.
Now i know that it probably won't be perfect, and that's not really what i'm after. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to feel right. It needs to be spontaneous and sweet, romantic and passionate. I want my first kiss to FEEL perfect, even though it wasn't in real life. And i'm terrified that once given, it will be dissapointing to look back upon. Same thing with first time sex. I'm not a prude by any standard, but i have my principles. I will not ever sleep with a guy who can't bring himself to be my boyfriend. That's just so wrong. Such an intimate thing should only be shared with people who love and respect you. I know people who have given their virginity to people who weren't worth it in the end, and i don't want to feel the same regret.
These are the reasons why i'm scared to go further with Lorenzo, and why i didn't do anything with Sam, though i wanted to. I didn't with Sam, because he didn't want me, and i was scared of getting no response whatsoever from him. Imagine giving your first kiss to someone who didn't even want to be kissed by you...so humiliating and painful. i didn't want that. I'm scared of doing it with Lorenzo now, because i have this irrational fear that Lorenzo only wants to get in my pants, and does not see this as seriously as i do. I'm scared that he will think of me as easy and cheap, and i will turn into the exact type of girl i hate.
I know that this fear of mine will probably sound very silly when i read this entry a few months from now on orso, but for now this is how i feel. The unknown tends to scare people.
I don't know how the 13th will go, but i do know that i will not be forced into anything, and if he even TRIES to force me, i'm kicking his balls off. I like being rough in the bedroom, but there's a difference between rough sex and doing things against your will.
...I don't even know why i'm freaking out like this. Lorenzo likes being a pet (a cat to be precise XD), and pets (and generally submissives) tend to not force anything, but to patiently wait for their rewards :) But i wonder what happens when his dominant side comes out... hence the fear.
Also, and that's something i'll have to ask him too, he's bisexual, and while i don't have any problems with that, a family member of mine did pose a good question. She's skeptical of bisexuals because she claims they always have a preference for a certain gender. So, my aunt asked me "how do you know he's not going to crave guys after a while? It could be that he's just temporarily into girls, and then what?" and in all honesty, i had no answer to that. Would i be enough to keep him from desiring guys? how does this work inside his head? i have no clue. I want to ask him, but at the same time i feel that he's going to run away from me if i'm going to ask too many questions. Maybe he'll just be like "fine, don't be with me then" and run off?
fuck my insecurities >:(