L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N
it's amazing how much time has passed since my last post XD
i've been mostly occupied with my exams, have to retake 7 of the 15 i did this year... and that's not all that bad considering the little effort i put in them.
i kept on being distracted by my own train of thought, and you all know who was starring in those...
i even DREAM about Sam more than i have ever dreamt about anyone else. 2 of those dreams gave me actual butterflies, i rarely get that IRL, but in my dreams, Sam makes me feel delicious feelings.
Reality sucks. I found out he really likes this girl called Aurelie, a blue-eyed redhead who goes to school together with Mercedes. Mercedes texted me, saying she spotted them together in a shop, and didn't like the way Aurelie was so quiet. She said i should beat that girl up. I know she's joking, but she makes it all too clear to Sam (and me :p) that she doesn't like Aurelie and i personally don't like the way Mercedes does that. Sure, i don't like the fact that Sam has taken a liking to her either, but blaming the girl is just plain stupid. You cannot control who you fancy and if Sam likes Aurelie, he must have a reason for doing so. Hating her because she's the one he likes is retarded and wrong. It may very well be that she's a great woman, i don't know her so it's not in my rightful place to judge her.
Yes, it hurts like hell to know he doesn't fancy me, but that doesn't mean i have to pray for the woman to die or something. I want what makes Sam happy, and if Aurelie makes him smile everyday, then i hope and pray that they work it out and become a couple.
I guess some people would call me a martyr or something, but i'm not. I've just fallen so hard for ths guy that i'm no longer selfish. I care about HIS happiness, mine is secondary.
Which is not to say that i will stop seeing him, or that i will stop trying to gain his attention, even a little. I constantly try to appeal to him, dressing well (okay, well may be an overstatement, i just spend a bit more time on my appearance) and putting up make-up when i know i'm going to see him, trying to smile more often when he's there and, in general, act more like a real woman would, just not the boring type of girl.
I've even daydreamt about cleaning his house and making his dinner for fucks sake! Everybody knows that i'm normally not the girly-girl type that likes to spend her time behind the stove or doing "girl stuff", but for Sam i totally would, and i wouldn't need anything in return, except for a little verbal appreciation. A genuine "thank you" would do it for me... and it's because i feel this way that i know i've fallen waaayyy too hard for him.
Well, that and the fact that he's able to turn me on with just a couple of actions and words and then there is that look on his face. There is this expression he sometimes has, right before he pinches, pokes or starts to tease me, and that expression is so sexy that i melt inside. I THINK it's because that look on his face always appears when he's about to do stuff to me. It may be tickling and poking, but he still touches and teases me while doing that and i think it sort of turns me on because he does all that to gain control over me, and everyone knows i like it when guys dominate me, or at least try to XD i always fight back, just to give him even more reasons to punish and tease me, and i always have this secret hope that one day he'll snap and just do DIRTY things to me instead of innocent things x) i fantasize about provoking him so badly he just starts going wild, and instead of poking and such he just grabs me, pushes me against the wall or on the couch and decides i'll get what i've been asking for, which would be a good spanking and a hard make-out session x) on top of other things of course XD
His actions turn me on too. Sometimes, when we're playing around, he litterally kicks my butt. It doesn't really hurt, and he's careful so he never will, but when he does it, it gives me more than the few chuckles he hears from me. It makes me long for more, i guess. Last time he did it, we were in school, waiting to do our oral exams. There was this guy who asked what the hell was wrong with us XD and that's when i realised i liked the fact that he publicly did that, didn't shy away from it even though people were watching. Not caring what anyone thinks can be such a freeing experience.
Lastly, there are his words. Sometimes, when we're fooling around, he forces me on my knees while saying "on your knees, slut". Okay so mostly he just calls me slut or forces me on my knees XD but when he COMBINES both...magic happens *sigh*. He's joking, i KNOW he is, but goddammit it turns me on like crazy when he says that to me. I never mention to him that it does, because i'm fairly certain he would stop it the instant he gets wind of it, and i don't want him to stop, so i just shut up, do as i'm told and enjoy it. There was a particular time (we were outside by the river with Mercedes and Elisabeth), Cleo was phoning me and i believe it was right after, or before that, that he twisted my pinky a little and forced me on my knees, saying what i've just said he tells me, and i swear to god, if we'd been alone that time, i'd probably have confessed that i enjoyed hearing that a lot more than he thought i did.
i've always known that i liked getting flithy words thrown at me in a sensual/sexual context, but there is a big difference between knowing what you want and actually getting it. It felt so right, being called that by him :)
all in all i can safely say he's the first one who gets me this hot.
I fell for Wolfram because he made me laugh, because he was nice and handsome and it made me blind to all his faults. But i see Sam's flaws and i accept them as part of him, and frankly i love him all the more because he HAS flaws. Wolfram made me feel insufficient at times, because i thought he couldn't do anything wrong and that made me feel... very flawed, i guess?
Sam is the perfect unition of everything you can imagine. He's manly but sensitive, he's nice and arrogant when he's joking but knows he isn't perfect, he's stubborn and yet not afraid to admit his faults. He can focus when he wants but is scatterbrained at times, he can make anti-feminist jokes while not actually BELIEVING in them. He doesn't treat me like i'm made of porcelain but treats me like a woman nonetheless. He constantly has sex on the brain but can be very... don't really know how to explain this XD he may be pervy at times but he still treats his girlfriends with needed gentleness, i guess you could say. He likes to travel too, and has a variety of interests outside of gaming and looking at hot girls XD i can have just about ANY conversation with him (we even had one about farts once lol XD) and not have him look at me with a weird expression :p he shares his life with me, doesn't distance himself from me when we pass people he knows on the street. He just doesn't care what people think, which is a very inspiring trademark of his. But at the same time, he IS sensitive to people's opinions about him at times, just not all the time like most people i know. Oh and my parents like him too XD my mom just can't shut up about the way he dresses, she thinks it's awesome XD my dad likes the fact that Sam isn't like Philip :p Philip is nice, but a bit...shy, i think. Hmmm, maybe shy is the wrong word here, but he was more reserved, you know? Sam just talks to anyone, including my dad, and my dad likes the fact that Sam does so, and that Sam can actually talk about multiple things they have in common, political opinion and all XD and since Sam talked to my mom the way Lynn does at times, she likes him a lot too XD
that reminds me that i have yet to report on how things went when he came over to study. Well, study wasn't really a verb that can be used, since we ended up doing practically nothing the first day haha. He showed me the beginning of an anime series called Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan, a series he told me would fit me perfectly XD and he was right, well sort of :p he always compared me to Dokuro-chan, especially her sadistisc ways, but i refuse to believe that :p what he IS right on, though, is her way of being in love with someone and yet not admitting it when someone confronts her with it :p
anyway, we watched 1 season (which isn't that very long, considering each episode lasts about 10 minutes :p) and then attempted to get some work done, but almost everything distracted us :p mostly my cat, oh and the new tv that we have XD my dad was supposed to pick it up while me and Sam were just doing our work, but the tv wasn't there and dad needed our help to decide on another one :p now we have a 40 inch Samsung tv, a motherfucking GIGANTIC thing, but it's such an awesome experience to watch the tv right now XD
so we watched the telly, and then it was time for him to go home, sadly enough :p but the the day after he came too, so it wasn't all that bad :p second day we managed to do SOME work, but long not enough to make-up for the the day before :p especially Sam did some work, i was stuck watching him and feeling giddy for having him with me XD
when we finally called it a day, he stayed some more, and my parents were home but we didn't care and started a poke-war anyway XD at some point, i bit him lightly in the arm :p (he told me it tickled, so i'm postive i didn't hurt him XD) and my parents were like WTF :p my dad give my mom a weird look, though :p the look that says "i know where this is going to end". Unfortunately, he's wrong, and i told them that. Of course my dad didn't really believe me at first, saying the way we acted was for more love-like than anything he did with girls when he was that age. But dad doesn't understand yet that times have changed.
well, actually, he isn't all that wrong. Loads of people have told us that we look like a couple when we're together, including one of SAM's friends. My friends may say that we do, but they know how i feel about him, so i don't really count them, you know? but there was this girl, Time, a friend of Sam's and she said the same, while not knowing how i felt about him.
I met her because me and Sam were downtown and he was going to visit Aurelie. I come with him, because Mercedes visits that school too and it sounded like a great idea to visit her too. So we go there, he sees Aurelie (she stayed with him for like a minute and then told him she really had to be somewhere. In hindsight, i should've smacked the bitch. He went there, for HER, and then she fucking BAILS on him?? she may be nice so i will give her the benefit of doubt, but right there and then i kind of hated her). So Sam and me talk to Mercedes some more, and then there is this girl that comes up to him. He tells her what he's doing there and they start a convo. He introduces me as the girl with the weird dreams :p we talk some more, Elisabeth runs into us too, we go sit on the floor, because we had been standing there for so long XD and somehow i sit next to Sam and he starts to poke me :p it tickles so much that i lie down on the floor, and Sam is all like "yeah, go lie down, why don't you". So i sit back up and push him to a lying down position while saying the same :p (even remembering this, is putting a smile on my face :3) anyway, we are playing around again, and then Time says to Mercedes "you know, they look like a couple like that, don't you agree?", Mercedes, of course, agrees and Sam is sort of mock angry and tells them we wouldn't last a day. That statement kind of hurt me, to be very honest, but i don't really have a reason to be so hurt. I KNEW he didn't want me, so hearing it didn't surprise me or anything. He never gave me false hope or gave me any signs that he was really into me, so i shouldn't have let it get to me, but somehow it keeps hurting when he tells people we wouldn't work as a couple.
This is why i prefer people not telling him/me/us that, because he'll go on and tell them that he'll never even consider me, and that just hurts after hearing we would match.
In total, there has been Philip, there has been Marjan, Cleo, Helena, Mercedes, Margot, i believe Ellen too, and Time, who allll have said we looked and behaved like a couple. Philip said it when i didn't even have any feelings for him yet, so i'm putting him in a special category. Marjan, Cleo, Helena and Mercedes knew what i felt for him when they told me that, so i don't really count them, but then there are Margot, Ellen and Time, totally different people who all thought the same. When they tell me, my heart grows a little bigger with... not pride but this feeling that he DOES treat me in a manner people only expect from lovers. But i guess it's just the way he treats people? since he really doesn't feel anything for me, must be that he is used to handling people like that... so i shouldn't really feel all that special, now should i? i think i may be blowing this out of proportion because i'm not used to guys treating me well.
oh and he told a few of his mates what i want in the bedroom. It makes me curious as to what else he told them about me, and how many people he told it to. I don't really mind XD it's sort of advertising :p maybe there'll be a guy someday who hears it and thinks "well, that's the kind of girl i've been looking for!" :)
anyway i think i've said it all now. Saw Wolfram one last time during exams because he wanted something i had kept for him for a while, and that was the last time i ever heard and/or saw him :p
welll this has become quite the entry XD
bye folks! :D
i've been mostly occupied with my exams, have to retake 7 of the 15 i did this year... and that's not all that bad considering the little effort i put in them.
i kept on being distracted by my own train of thought, and you all know who was starring in those...
i even DREAM about Sam more than i have ever dreamt about anyone else. 2 of those dreams gave me actual butterflies, i rarely get that IRL, but in my dreams, Sam makes me feel delicious feelings.
Reality sucks. I found out he really likes this girl called Aurelie, a blue-eyed redhead who goes to school together with Mercedes. Mercedes texted me, saying she spotted them together in a shop, and didn't like the way Aurelie was so quiet. She said i should beat that girl up. I know she's joking, but she makes it all too clear to Sam (and me :p) that she doesn't like Aurelie and i personally don't like the way Mercedes does that. Sure, i don't like the fact that Sam has taken a liking to her either, but blaming the girl is just plain stupid. You cannot control who you fancy and if Sam likes Aurelie, he must have a reason for doing so. Hating her because she's the one he likes is retarded and wrong. It may very well be that she's a great woman, i don't know her so it's not in my rightful place to judge her.
Yes, it hurts like hell to know he doesn't fancy me, but that doesn't mean i have to pray for the woman to die or something. I want what makes Sam happy, and if Aurelie makes him smile everyday, then i hope and pray that they work it out and become a couple.
I guess some people would call me a martyr or something, but i'm not. I've just fallen so hard for ths guy that i'm no longer selfish. I care about HIS happiness, mine is secondary.
Which is not to say that i will stop seeing him, or that i will stop trying to gain his attention, even a little. I constantly try to appeal to him, dressing well (okay, well may be an overstatement, i just spend a bit more time on my appearance) and putting up make-up when i know i'm going to see him, trying to smile more often when he's there and, in general, act more like a real woman would, just not the boring type of girl.
I've even daydreamt about cleaning his house and making his dinner for fucks sake! Everybody knows that i'm normally not the girly-girl type that likes to spend her time behind the stove or doing "girl stuff", but for Sam i totally would, and i wouldn't need anything in return, except for a little verbal appreciation. A genuine "thank you" would do it for me... and it's because i feel this way that i know i've fallen waaayyy too hard for him.
Well, that and the fact that he's able to turn me on with just a couple of actions and words and then there is that look on his face. There is this expression he sometimes has, right before he pinches, pokes or starts to tease me, and that expression is so sexy that i melt inside. I THINK it's because that look on his face always appears when he's about to do stuff to me. It may be tickling and poking, but he still touches and teases me while doing that and i think it sort of turns me on because he does all that to gain control over me, and everyone knows i like it when guys dominate me, or at least try to XD i always fight back, just to give him even more reasons to punish and tease me, and i always have this secret hope that one day he'll snap and just do DIRTY things to me instead of innocent things x) i fantasize about provoking him so badly he just starts going wild, and instead of poking and such he just grabs me, pushes me against the wall or on the couch and decides i'll get what i've been asking for, which would be a good spanking and a hard make-out session x) on top of other things of course XD
His actions turn me on too. Sometimes, when we're playing around, he litterally kicks my butt. It doesn't really hurt, and he's careful so he never will, but when he does it, it gives me more than the few chuckles he hears from me. It makes me long for more, i guess. Last time he did it, we were in school, waiting to do our oral exams. There was this guy who asked what the hell was wrong with us XD and that's when i realised i liked the fact that he publicly did that, didn't shy away from it even though people were watching. Not caring what anyone thinks can be such a freeing experience.
Lastly, there are his words. Sometimes, when we're fooling around, he forces me on my knees while saying "on your knees, slut". Okay so mostly he just calls me slut or forces me on my knees XD but when he COMBINES both...magic happens *sigh*. He's joking, i KNOW he is, but goddammit it turns me on like crazy when he says that to me. I never mention to him that it does, because i'm fairly certain he would stop it the instant he gets wind of it, and i don't want him to stop, so i just shut up, do as i'm told and enjoy it. There was a particular time (we were outside by the river with Mercedes and Elisabeth), Cleo was phoning me and i believe it was right after, or before that, that he twisted my pinky a little and forced me on my knees, saying what i've just said he tells me, and i swear to god, if we'd been alone that time, i'd probably have confessed that i enjoyed hearing that a lot more than he thought i did.
i've always known that i liked getting flithy words thrown at me in a sensual/sexual context, but there is a big difference between knowing what you want and actually getting it. It felt so right, being called that by him :)
all in all i can safely say he's the first one who gets me this hot.
I fell for Wolfram because he made me laugh, because he was nice and handsome and it made me blind to all his faults. But i see Sam's flaws and i accept them as part of him, and frankly i love him all the more because he HAS flaws. Wolfram made me feel insufficient at times, because i thought he couldn't do anything wrong and that made me feel... very flawed, i guess?
Sam is the perfect unition of everything you can imagine. He's manly but sensitive, he's nice and arrogant when he's joking but knows he isn't perfect, he's stubborn and yet not afraid to admit his faults. He can focus when he wants but is scatterbrained at times, he can make anti-feminist jokes while not actually BELIEVING in them. He doesn't treat me like i'm made of porcelain but treats me like a woman nonetheless. He constantly has sex on the brain but can be very... don't really know how to explain this XD he may be pervy at times but he still treats his girlfriends with needed gentleness, i guess you could say. He likes to travel too, and has a variety of interests outside of gaming and looking at hot girls XD i can have just about ANY conversation with him (we even had one about farts once lol XD) and not have him look at me with a weird expression :p he shares his life with me, doesn't distance himself from me when we pass people he knows on the street. He just doesn't care what people think, which is a very inspiring trademark of his. But at the same time, he IS sensitive to people's opinions about him at times, just not all the time like most people i know. Oh and my parents like him too XD my mom just can't shut up about the way he dresses, she thinks it's awesome XD my dad likes the fact that Sam isn't like Philip :p Philip is nice, but a bit...shy, i think. Hmmm, maybe shy is the wrong word here, but he was more reserved, you know? Sam just talks to anyone, including my dad, and my dad likes the fact that Sam does so, and that Sam can actually talk about multiple things they have in common, political opinion and all XD and since Sam talked to my mom the way Lynn does at times, she likes him a lot too XD
that reminds me that i have yet to report on how things went when he came over to study. Well, study wasn't really a verb that can be used, since we ended up doing practically nothing the first day haha. He showed me the beginning of an anime series called Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan, a series he told me would fit me perfectly XD and he was right, well sort of :p he always compared me to Dokuro-chan, especially her sadistisc ways, but i refuse to believe that :p what he IS right on, though, is her way of being in love with someone and yet not admitting it when someone confronts her with it :p
anyway, we watched 1 season (which isn't that very long, considering each episode lasts about 10 minutes :p) and then attempted to get some work done, but almost everything distracted us :p mostly my cat, oh and the new tv that we have XD my dad was supposed to pick it up while me and Sam were just doing our work, but the tv wasn't there and dad needed our help to decide on another one :p now we have a 40 inch Samsung tv, a motherfucking GIGANTIC thing, but it's such an awesome experience to watch the tv right now XD
so we watched the telly, and then it was time for him to go home, sadly enough :p but the the day after he came too, so it wasn't all that bad :p second day we managed to do SOME work, but long not enough to make-up for the the day before :p especially Sam did some work, i was stuck watching him and feeling giddy for having him with me XD
when we finally called it a day, he stayed some more, and my parents were home but we didn't care and started a poke-war anyway XD at some point, i bit him lightly in the arm :p (he told me it tickled, so i'm postive i didn't hurt him XD) and my parents were like WTF :p my dad give my mom a weird look, though :p the look that says "i know where this is going to end". Unfortunately, he's wrong, and i told them that. Of course my dad didn't really believe me at first, saying the way we acted was for more love-like than anything he did with girls when he was that age. But dad doesn't understand yet that times have changed.
well, actually, he isn't all that wrong. Loads of people have told us that we look like a couple when we're together, including one of SAM's friends. My friends may say that we do, but they know how i feel about him, so i don't really count them, you know? but there was this girl, Time, a friend of Sam's and she said the same, while not knowing how i felt about him.
I met her because me and Sam were downtown and he was going to visit Aurelie. I come with him, because Mercedes visits that school too and it sounded like a great idea to visit her too. So we go there, he sees Aurelie (she stayed with him for like a minute and then told him she really had to be somewhere. In hindsight, i should've smacked the bitch. He went there, for HER, and then she fucking BAILS on him?? she may be nice so i will give her the benefit of doubt, but right there and then i kind of hated her). So Sam and me talk to Mercedes some more, and then there is this girl that comes up to him. He tells her what he's doing there and they start a convo. He introduces me as the girl with the weird dreams :p we talk some more, Elisabeth runs into us too, we go sit on the floor, because we had been standing there for so long XD and somehow i sit next to Sam and he starts to poke me :p it tickles so much that i lie down on the floor, and Sam is all like "yeah, go lie down, why don't you". So i sit back up and push him to a lying down position while saying the same :p (even remembering this, is putting a smile on my face :3) anyway, we are playing around again, and then Time says to Mercedes "you know, they look like a couple like that, don't you agree?", Mercedes, of course, agrees and Sam is sort of mock angry and tells them we wouldn't last a day. That statement kind of hurt me, to be very honest, but i don't really have a reason to be so hurt. I KNEW he didn't want me, so hearing it didn't surprise me or anything. He never gave me false hope or gave me any signs that he was really into me, so i shouldn't have let it get to me, but somehow it keeps hurting when he tells people we wouldn't work as a couple.
This is why i prefer people not telling him/me/us that, because he'll go on and tell them that he'll never even consider me, and that just hurts after hearing we would match.
In total, there has been Philip, there has been Marjan, Cleo, Helena, Mercedes, Margot, i believe Ellen too, and Time, who allll have said we looked and behaved like a couple. Philip said it when i didn't even have any feelings for him yet, so i'm putting him in a special category. Marjan, Cleo, Helena and Mercedes knew what i felt for him when they told me that, so i don't really count them, but then there are Margot, Ellen and Time, totally different people who all thought the same. When they tell me, my heart grows a little bigger with... not pride but this feeling that he DOES treat me in a manner people only expect from lovers. But i guess it's just the way he treats people? since he really doesn't feel anything for me, must be that he is used to handling people like that... so i shouldn't really feel all that special, now should i? i think i may be blowing this out of proportion because i'm not used to guys treating me well.
oh and he told a few of his mates what i want in the bedroom. It makes me curious as to what else he told them about me, and how many people he told it to. I don't really mind XD it's sort of advertising :p maybe there'll be a guy someday who hears it and thinks "well, that's the kind of girl i've been looking for!" :)
anyway i think i've said it all now. Saw Wolfram one last time during exams because he wanted something i had kept for him for a while, and that was the last time i ever heard and/or saw him :p
welll this has become quite the entry XD
bye folks! :D