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Ok. I can't quit school, as much as I want to. Reality is that mom needs the $160 I give her a fortnight, and the government only gives that if you're a full time student. So what then? If 'This is best', is sitting alone every single moment of every single day the best thing? Is feeling lonely and depressed, without any sort of friendship or human
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I just wanna say thank you though... because you were absolutely right in some ways. It wasn't fair to you guys and it wasn't your responsibility- you weren't my friends, exactly. I mean... what was done was cruel, and it did cause problems, and sometimes I do wish that there'd been a better way to do it, but ... you know what? Tough for me then. I survived.
We had things in common, a lot of things, but I could never feel brave enough to speak up and share. I couldn't have expected you guys to telepathically know that, or to know how deathly afraid I was of being rejected and abandoned, and my FEAR of being rejected and hurt pretty much was exactly how I GOT rejected and hurt. And I'm a pretty awesome person thanks to going through that 'dark night of the soul', speak up all the damn time about what I love whether people like it or not, so I don't really mind now, because like I said. I survived. :)
So thanks at least for trying to explain your perspective. Six hours was barely enough time to get to know one another, even if we did six hours a day for years, particaully when we couldn't speak much. I'm sorry I didn't really understand at the time but I do now. I have for a long time.
But in some ways i would like you to understand that what you guys did, however unintentional, was a form of bullying. I appreciate the attempts you did make but at the same time, there were other things you guys did, maybe in an attempt to get me to leave you alone, that were pretty cruel. (Such as celebrating each others birthdays openly at school but more or less forgetting I had one. Discussing parties and events you guys shared, in front of me, increasing the sense of being alone I'd felt. Getting drunk or stoned together, without ...again, inviting or including me.)
I don't really ... feel anger anymore. I understand your perspective. I agree with what had to be done (and wish it had been done earlier). I also remember the hurt that came with having no friends and no support network, during such a difficult time, while my father was having an affair/divorcing mum, I was trying to recover sexually abused and groomed without realizing that was what it was, I was mentally and physically sick (and being told so all the damn time) and the loneliness that came with going through all that made it all the worse when I had to sit there seeing exactly what I needed... in front of me. All the time. Friends who cared for one another.
Which is why now I wonder if I could somehow find a way to support people who are going through similar crisis. Anyway, That's a whole other matter. :)
Can't believe it's really been so long.
Hope you're awesome too.
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