(no subject)
Ok. I can't quit school, as much as I want to. Reality is that mom needs the $160 I give her a fortnight, and the government only gives that if you're a full time student. So what then? If 'This is best', is sitting alone every single moment of every single day the best thing? Is feeling lonely and depressed, without any sort of friendship or human contact the best thing? Or being forced to do projects alone, oral projects, biology work (Last year, it almost made me fail, having to be alone and wait for all the other groups to finish.), psycology work...
I can't see how this is supposed to be better for me. And the truth is, I think they only call it the best, because it means that they don't have the fat chick sitting around anymore, there isn't any risk of guilt over only wanting to see that fat girl on weekdays when school's on. It's only so they can feel better about themselves.
But honestly. If I'm not wanted around when school isn't on, if I'm ignored when a party is ignored, don't I have any right to feeling hurt? And if it's a constant thing since year 7, then don't I have some right to write about how I feel in a personal journal, or speak to a friend about it? Yes, I choose to ignore the pain in favor for the people, and that's fine...I'll feel hurt at times, I'll feel hurt when I hear it talked about, but that's my choice. But how can I be blamed for the lack of bonding in the friendships, when the only chances I get are the 6 hours... at the most... of school, four or five days a week? It has nothing to do with personality, nothing to do with starsigns, or magic... If a person isn't given the chance, they arn't going to get far. No matter what.
I feel so strange, as if I'm about to cry, but I'm not crying, and I can't do it. Urgh. When it happens, it's going to be random and strong. >_<
Oh well. I know the ideal hiding spot at school. If I'm going to be 'The loner fat girl', then I'll do it in style. Hidden.
Edit. I just realized... the days are growing long and dark now. I realised... and it's almost like I can feel it, feel that I'm about to step into one of the darkest times of my life.
I can't see how this is supposed to be better for me. And the truth is, I think they only call it the best, because it means that they don't have the fat chick sitting around anymore, there isn't any risk of guilt over only wanting to see that fat girl on weekdays when school's on. It's only so they can feel better about themselves.
But honestly. If I'm not wanted around when school isn't on, if I'm ignored when a party is ignored, don't I have any right to feeling hurt? And if it's a constant thing since year 7, then don't I have some right to write about how I feel in a personal journal, or speak to a friend about it? Yes, I choose to ignore the pain in favor for the people, and that's fine...I'll feel hurt at times, I'll feel hurt when I hear it talked about, but that's my choice. But how can I be blamed for the lack of bonding in the friendships, when the only chances I get are the 6 hours... at the most... of school, four or five days a week? It has nothing to do with personality, nothing to do with starsigns, or magic... If a person isn't given the chance, they arn't going to get far. No matter what.
I feel so strange, as if I'm about to cry, but I'm not crying, and I can't do it. Urgh. When it happens, it's going to be random and strong. >_<
Oh well. I know the ideal hiding spot at school. If I'm going to be 'The loner fat girl', then I'll do it in style. Hidden.
Edit. I just realized... the days are growing long and dark now. I realised... and it's almost like I can feel it, feel that I'm about to step into one of the darkest times of my life.