Learning to Fly (3/?)
TITLE: Learning to Fly (3/?)
AUTHOR: MelDomingo
RATING: NC-17
PAIRING: Callie/Erica
SUMMARY: Set after the season 4 finale kiss. Coming out can be quite the rocky journey...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or its characters. “Better to Have Loved” belongs to Idina Menzel. No infringement intended...
Previous chapters here:
CHAPTER ONE, CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
It had been three days since Callie had left Erica standing by herself in front of the surgical board. Three days since she woke up in the arms of her best friend. Three days she felt her world turn upside down and completely inside out. Three days since had been able to forgive herself for making possibly one of the worst mistakes of her life.
Forget the fact that she and Erica had taken the first steps into having their own happily ever after. What Callie missed the most was her best friend. All she wanted to do was turn to her and tell her everything that she had been feeling the past few days. She wanted to tell her about all of the hopes and fears that had hit her body like a bolt of lightning. She wanted to tell her that she felt so incredibly guilty for running away but she had no idea what else to do.
Callie's day at the hospital had ended past midnight and she had to be back in time to scrub in for a surgery at five the next morning. On any other day, she would have gone home but she just didn't want to chance facing Christina yet. Callie had not said a word to her, let alone gone back to the apartment, since her comment outside of the elevator a few days ago... she was too afraid.
So here she was... Sitting in the darkness, sleepless and staring fixated on the glowing screen of her cell phone. Much to her disappointment, there were no voice mails or text messages waiting for her. There was nothing from Erica or anyone else for that matter. For the past three days, she would check after scrubbing out from surgery and nothing greeted her but the all too familiar screen saver of a picture of her and Erica at their favorite table near the dart board at Joe's.
Callie had completely caught her friend off guard when she snapped the shot. They were both already three sheets to the wind when Callie felt the unexplainable need to commemorate the moment with a picture. It wasn't even the best of shots. Both of their faces were slightly cut off and the resolution was pretty horrid. Still, it reminded Callie of the wonderful and utterly fulfilling friendship that they shared. The picture had frozen a moment of time when they were both completely happy.
Callie sighed and sadly smiled. It seemed the entire world had chosen the most inopportune time to completely desert her.
She just needed to hear the sound of a familiar voice. She was desperate to reach out into the air and hope and pray that someone would be there to catch her. The silence that surrounded her was deafening so she finally willed her fingers to dial the numbers and press send.
Callie counted as the line rang... one ring... two rings... three rings... After the fifth ring, she pulled the phone from her ear and was about to hit the end button when she heard a voice on the other side of the line.
“Hello?...” The voice inquired. Callie could tell that she definitely interrupted her sleep cycle. “Callie, is that you?”
She sighed as she put the phone back to her ear and responded, “Yeah Addison, it's me...”
“Do you have any idea what time it is!”
“Fifteen minutes past 1am... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called. You were sleeping. I'll um... I'll call you in the morning...”
“Wait Callie... it's okay. You've got me awake now. Besides, we haven't really haven't talked since I've left Seattle. Unless you consider the occasional text message talking... How've you been?”
“I know,” Callie took deep breath and laid back on the the bottom bunk of the bed. The mattress was way to squishy for her taste and the pillows a tad too firm. “I've um... I've been busy.”
“Okay, now this is the part where you tell me what's wrong.”
Callie took a few seconds to muster up the courage to tell Addison what she had done three nights ago. The actual night had been one of the most wonderful moments of her life... so wonderful that she swore that it could've just been a dream. A dream that would turn into her worst nightmare.
“I slept with Erica...”
The line remained silent for a second and Callie swore that Addison had just hung up on her. Much to her relief, she responded with an excited, “WHAT!?!?! I knew it!... Oh, I'm sorry Callie. I'm supposed to be being supportive here, aren't I?”
“Yeah... I was kind of hoping for a few friendly words of wisdom here...”
“I'm sorry. It's just that... wow. Really? That's pretty awesome. I mean, you two are practically perfect for each other.”
“That's what Miranda said to us the other day... Right before I freaked out and ran away like a complete coward. I swear the entire hospital could hear me whimpering as I ran away with my tail between my legs.”
“Oh Callie, why in the world would you do that?”
“Three nights ago, I finally got the courage to go up to Erica and tell her what I was feeling. Of course, this is the one time that my verbal diarrhea decided to find a miracle cure so all I could do was kiss her... In front of the entire hospital lobby! Addy, everyone saw us.”
“When you say 'everyone', define 'EVERYONE'.”
“I don't know...” Callie was starting to get a little frustrated. She was looking for words of encouragement... not a round of verbal sparring. “It's not like I had my eyes open or anything. It's bad enough that I found out the next day that Christina and Miranda saw us. I don't know what I would do if I knew that Izzy or Meredith saw us.. Oh god... What if George saw us!”
“What does that matter?”
“I don't know!” The thoughts were starting to run full speed laps around her head again. It was all too difficult to process.
“You're not making any sense. What does it matter if everyone saw anyway? It's the 21st century, Callie... Why would it be any different if you were caught outside the hospital making out with Mark? Who cares if you want to be with another woman?”
“I do...” The words resonated through Callie's ears. This was the first time she had admitted to herself that the problem actually lie within her.
“So now we're getting to the root of the problem...”
“God, I can't believe I said that. You know that I don't have a single problem with other people being gay... So why in the hell is it such a huge deal when it's me?”
“I think you know the answer to that...”
“I'm NOT GAY, Addy. Remember! I like penis! Or at least I thought I did... I just... How can I be becoming someone totally different when I thought I was one way and now suddenly I'm not? How ridiculous is it for woman in her thirties to suddenly find herself attractive to another woman?”
“It's not ridiculous and you're not a different person. You just happened to fall for a person who happens to be a wonderfully smart and caring woman. Cal, she loves you.”
“How on earth could you know that?” Callie felt her breath catch in her throat. Really? Could she really be loved by this beautiful woman?
“Remember that night I flew back to LA when I went to Joe's with you and Erica? When you went off to dance with Mark I caught her just staring at you... but not in that crazy stalker bad way. She had this look on her face like she was admiring every part of you.”
“Really?” Callie couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could she have been so oblivious to Erica's advances this entire time?
“I asked her if she thought you were pretty. Do you know what she said? She told me that you were BEAUTIFUL.”
“Okay, now I'm feeling like an ass.”
“Don't... It's okay. You didn't know. You have your chance now. Who cares what everyone else thinks? What matters is what you feel. Do you love her, Callie?”
“Yes,” It had been the first time that she had openly admitted this to anyone. It was scary but liberating. “I do...”
“Then you should talk to her... but not right now. She may not take a late night call as lightly as I do.”
“Okay, I will... Thanks for talking me off the ledge, Addy. I really needed it.”
“No problem. That's what friends are for, right? Now before I let you go you HAVE to tell me one more thing...”
“Anything.”
“How was it?”
“What?”
“The sex Callie! How was your first act in the Vagina Monologues?”
Callie couldn't help but smile when she remembered the details of their first night together. She wasn't quite sure that metaphysical entities existed but she knew that the night was pretty damn magical. “Pretty freakin' awesome...”
“Good. Anyway, we've both got to get some rest tonight so take care okay? Good luck with everything. Remember, even though I'm down in LA now, I'm still a phone call away.”
“Thanks Addy. Goodnight.” Callie ended the call and placed the phone by her pillow. She was glad she finally had the opportunity to sort out some of the thoughts that had been running rampant in the brain. She closed her eyes and let sleep overwhelm her body for a few precious hours.
******
Erica crawled out of bed at four in the morning. She knew she had to haul herself into work in time for an early morning valve replacement. Still, the events of the last few days had made it difficult for her to motivate herself. She hadn't seen Callie since she had run out on her and it was starting to take its toll.
Erica didn't know what to do. She was never good in the relationship department. Over the years, she had kept herself confined to the rigors of being a top notch cardiothorasic surgeon. She never allowed herself much time to have a personal life. Now, these past choices were affecting her current relationship. She didn't know whether to call Callie or just let her come back on her own. She didn't know the right steps to take to salvage the best friendship she had ever had.
Throwing on a pair of fresh scrubs, she headed out the door and drove to the hospital. The early morning non-existent traffic made it possible to get to work in record time. Erica strode into the hospital holding onto her hardened shell the best she could. Thinking about Callie had taken its emotional toll and it was becoming increasingly harder to keep her professional image up.
As she walked through the glass doors, she couldn't help but notice Callie standing on the second floor balcony lost in her own thoughts. Erica was always able to locate Callie in the biggest, most crowded of rooms. She was a shining beacon that Erica couldn't help but be instantly attracted to.
Glancing at her best friend, she couldn't help but see the sadness and confusion. Erica felt that ball of guilt rise within her once again. She had tried to suppress it over the last few days but seeing Callie pushed her over the edge. What if she had pushed Callie too quickly? What if she wasn't ready for everything that happened that night?
Suddenly, Callie's eyes glance down and caught her own. In a state of panic, Erica quickly looked away and continued on her way to the doctor's lounge. She really needed to clear her head before going into surgery...
******
Callie woke up before her alarm went off. She knew she wasn't going to get much sleep in the first place so she just collected her belongings and went for a walk around the hospital so she could completely wake up. It was a nice time of the day to walk around because most patients were still asleep and the peanut gallery would not make it into work for a few hours.
As she neared the front lobby of the hospital, she stopped on the second floor balcony and spotted the exact location where she and Erica had shared that fated kiss. She closed her eyes and remembered how wonderful it had been and prayed that she could feel that way again. Even after her conversation with Addison, she still wasn't sure if the past few days could ever be erased.
Suddenly she felt as if a pair of eyes were gazing at her from the first floor. She adjusted her glance and was surprised to see Erica coming into work. It had been the first time they saw each other since that morning in front of the surgical board. It was also the first time that Callie was able to see the hurt in Erica's eyes.
Callie could see that Erica was trying her damndest to uphold her professional exterior. Despite her efforts, the sadness she was feeling was too easily portrayed by the glassiness of her eyes. They didn't have that usual piercing gaze that made everyone jump to attention whenever she walked into the room.
When Erica turned away, Callie made a promise to herself that she would make things right again. She couldn't stand seeing Erica so miserable. She couldn't stand being away from her best friend...
******
Another usual day at work had come and gone. Callie decided that it was finally time to face her fears and go home to the apartment. She wasn't one hundred percent ready to handle whatever Christina would say if she happened to be there. However, crashing at the hospital was beginning to take its toll and Callie longed for the familiar feeling of the couch she slept on. The need to get away from her place of employment greatly outweighed the fear of facing her friend. In truth, she was starting to wonder how she tolerated living in the hospital basement for all those years.
As she approached the apartment, Callie hesitantly opened the door and took a deep breath as it revealed a fairly happy Christina perched on the kitchen counter munching on a bowl of cereal.
“Hey.” Callie glanced at her friend who seemed fairly surprised to see her.
“Hey... I thought you would've gone over to Hahn's place or something.”
“Yeah that...” Callie sighed, slightly surprised that Christina would suggest such a thing, “We're kind of not talking right now.”
“WHAT?” Christina hopped off the counter and plopped herself on the couch next to Callie. “You've got to be kidding me. I thought you two were you know... doing the McNasty.”
“We were... Until I completely screwed it up.” Callie leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. Even though she had made it a point to make things right, she was still searching for the courage to take the first step forward.
“What do you mean you WERE?” Christina sprung forward and sat on the edge of the seat trying to catch Callie attention. “I saw you two outside of the front lobby making out like lovesick teenagers. You two are supposed to be all googly eyed and touchy feely right now.”
“Believe me, I wish that was the case too.”
“You need to make up with her!”
“Excuse me?” Callie couldn't believe what she was hearing. This was the first time she had heard Christina be so supportive of any of the people she decided to date. “Why are you so invested in who I sleep with all of the sudden?”
“A happy Hahn is a Hahn that will give me plenty of happy happy surgeries!”
“Come again?”
“Don't you get it? This is WAY better than me having to ask her best friend... YOU... to pull favors to get me in. Now that you two are finally together, she'll be in a much better mood. Callie, you're my ticket onto the fast track to cardiothoracic glory!”
Callie sighed and shook her head. “Really? Is that really the only reason why you want to see us all happy and together again?
“Listen carefully because I'm only going to tell you this once.” Christina edged closer to Callie and lowered her voice as if there were ears listening in the walls. “It's about time you got over that whole Bambi ordeal and found a real stud to be with. Who cares if you want to be with a chick now? Hahn's got this incredibly sexy brain and she isn't too bad to look at either. Besides, I can see how you make each other happy... You belong together.”
Callie couldn't help but chuckle. “Not bad for someone who doesn't know how to talk girl.”
“Yeah well, I've been practicing...” Christina got up in triumph and and started heading to her room, “You need to talk to her Callie.”
“I will...”
“Good... because I'm ready for plenty of happy happy surgeries to suddenly fall into my hands.” Christina proclaimed as she turned into her room and shut the door.
Callie sat up and stared at her car keys that were splayed on the coffee table. Christina was right, she needed to do something about the craziness that had happened over the last few days. She needed to show Erica that she could do this... that she wasn't a coward anymore.
******
Callie turned her ignition to the car and stuck her ipod on shuffle. She needed a little musical encouragement before she could even think to step foot on Erica's doorstep. She laughed to herself as she realized it was starting to drizzle. Of course the heavens would decide to open on the night she would try to open her heart.
As she turned onto the main road, she could feel that ball of fear and uncertainty rise up from deep within her. She tried her best to let it pass. It wasn't going to help matters and she needed to calm her nerves so that she would say the right words. The last thing she wanted to do was freeze up and rely on her body language to do all the talking... again.
Fifteen mintues into her twenty minute journey to Erica's, the drizzle suddenly developed into a downpour. Callie turned her wipers on full speed but it was still getting difficult to see. It was a good thing the route to Erica's was burned into her memory. She had driven these roads so many times that she would probably be able to drive them blindfolded.
The entire drive to the house, she had been humming and singing along to the random songs that would pop up on her play list. It helped her mind to push away any of the negative thoughts that would suddenly appear in her head. A few minutes from Erica's house, a familiar song started to play. Callie had heard this song many times before but this time she actually heard what the lyrics had to say.
If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back
And the city went quiet and we fade to black
Well I won't have a single regret
And I wouldn't trade a thing
Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me
I knew all the time I was taking a chance
When I stand there on the edge of the cliff and no one was holding my hand
Well the wind blew strong and the clouds rolled in and I, I felt us lift off the ground
Yes I bared my soul and I dared to go knowing one day you might let me down
Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved
You
Callie pulled into the driveway and turned off her car. She sighed and thought about the words she just heard. Was EVERYONE in this world trying to push her back to the woman she loved??? It was as if the powers that be wouldn't let her rest until she made amends.
It's true, Callie had taken the chance and let herself be loved by her best friend. As scared as she was, she was better for it. Even though fear raced through every tiny crevice in her body, there was not a single regret. With Erica, she had felt the highest of highs... and the lowest of lows. It was time to set things right. She was going to let her best friend and lover into her life once again.
Callie closed her eyes and took a deep breath before removing the key from the ignition and stepping outside the car. The rain was still pouring heavily and she silently cursed the fact that she didn't have an umbrella to take shelter under. Erica's front yard had a long path to the front door and there was no cover to be found. She didn't want to show up on Erica's front step looking like a drowned rat but her legs wouldn't carry her any faster. Her body was still fighting that damned fight or flight response and it took willing every cell in her body to move forward to get her self to the door.
After what seemed forever, Callie found herself under the porch roof staring at the doorbell. What if she was already asleep? Does she take well to uninvited guests? What will she do when she opens the door and realizes it's me? Will she even answer the door?
Callie's mind raced. There was nothing more to do but reach forward and ring the bell. It was time to let fate take its course. A few seconds passed and there was no answer. The light was off and there was no indication that anyone would be coming any time soon.
Callie turned in defeat and started on a rain soaked journey back to her car. As if on cue, she noticed some lights turn on and the sound of the bolt turning. Callie turned back and waited impatiently for the door to swing open. It was going to be now or never. If she didn't tell Erica everything now, she may never work up the courage to do it again.
The door slowly opened revealing a half asleep Erica Hahn dressed in nothing but a pair of boxers and a tank top. For a second she shot Callie that “what the hell are you doing here” look with her sharp crystal blue eyes. It was already past midnight and she had to be back at the hospital at a fairly early hour.
Erica gazed at Callie and noticed she was soaked to the bone and looking damn terrified. Realizing that this beautiful woman had fought every inner battle to get to this doorstep, she couldn't help but soften her expression and open the door all the way. She knew it was time to let her best friend back in.
******
A/N: Sorry for the long time before this update... Work pretty much consumed my life over the past 2 weeks. I really hope this chapter didn't come across too disjointed.
AUTHOR: MelDomingo
RATING: NC-17
PAIRING: Callie/Erica
SUMMARY: Set after the season 4 finale kiss. Coming out can be quite the rocky journey...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or its characters. “Better to Have Loved” belongs to Idina Menzel. No infringement intended...
Previous chapters here:
CHAPTER ONE, CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
It had been three days since Callie had left Erica standing by herself in front of the surgical board. Three days since she woke up in the arms of her best friend. Three days she felt her world turn upside down and completely inside out. Three days since had been able to forgive herself for making possibly one of the worst mistakes of her life.
Forget the fact that she and Erica had taken the first steps into having their own happily ever after. What Callie missed the most was her best friend. All she wanted to do was turn to her and tell her everything that she had been feeling the past few days. She wanted to tell her about all of the hopes and fears that had hit her body like a bolt of lightning. She wanted to tell her that she felt so incredibly guilty for running away but she had no idea what else to do.
Callie's day at the hospital had ended past midnight and she had to be back in time to scrub in for a surgery at five the next morning. On any other day, she would have gone home but she just didn't want to chance facing Christina yet. Callie had not said a word to her, let alone gone back to the apartment, since her comment outside of the elevator a few days ago... she was too afraid.
So here she was... Sitting in the darkness, sleepless and staring fixated on the glowing screen of her cell phone. Much to her disappointment, there were no voice mails or text messages waiting for her. There was nothing from Erica or anyone else for that matter. For the past three days, she would check after scrubbing out from surgery and nothing greeted her but the all too familiar screen saver of a picture of her and Erica at their favorite table near the dart board at Joe's.
Callie had completely caught her friend off guard when she snapped the shot. They were both already three sheets to the wind when Callie felt the unexplainable need to commemorate the moment with a picture. It wasn't even the best of shots. Both of their faces were slightly cut off and the resolution was pretty horrid. Still, it reminded Callie of the wonderful and utterly fulfilling friendship that they shared. The picture had frozen a moment of time when they were both completely happy.
Callie sighed and sadly smiled. It seemed the entire world had chosen the most inopportune time to completely desert her.
She just needed to hear the sound of a familiar voice. She was desperate to reach out into the air and hope and pray that someone would be there to catch her. The silence that surrounded her was deafening so she finally willed her fingers to dial the numbers and press send.
Callie counted as the line rang... one ring... two rings... three rings... After the fifth ring, she pulled the phone from her ear and was about to hit the end button when she heard a voice on the other side of the line.
“Hello?...” The voice inquired. Callie could tell that she definitely interrupted her sleep cycle. “Callie, is that you?”
She sighed as she put the phone back to her ear and responded, “Yeah Addison, it's me...”
“Do you have any idea what time it is!”
“Fifteen minutes past 1am... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called. You were sleeping. I'll um... I'll call you in the morning...”
“Wait Callie... it's okay. You've got me awake now. Besides, we haven't really haven't talked since I've left Seattle. Unless you consider the occasional text message talking... How've you been?”
“I know,” Callie took deep breath and laid back on the the bottom bunk of the bed. The mattress was way to squishy for her taste and the pillows a tad too firm. “I've um... I've been busy.”
“Okay, now this is the part where you tell me what's wrong.”
Callie took a few seconds to muster up the courage to tell Addison what she had done three nights ago. The actual night had been one of the most wonderful moments of her life... so wonderful that she swore that it could've just been a dream. A dream that would turn into her worst nightmare.
“I slept with Erica...”
The line remained silent for a second and Callie swore that Addison had just hung up on her. Much to her relief, she responded with an excited, “WHAT!?!?! I knew it!... Oh, I'm sorry Callie. I'm supposed to be being supportive here, aren't I?”
“Yeah... I was kind of hoping for a few friendly words of wisdom here...”
“I'm sorry. It's just that... wow. Really? That's pretty awesome. I mean, you two are practically perfect for each other.”
“That's what Miranda said to us the other day... Right before I freaked out and ran away like a complete coward. I swear the entire hospital could hear me whimpering as I ran away with my tail between my legs.”
“Oh Callie, why in the world would you do that?”
“Three nights ago, I finally got the courage to go up to Erica and tell her what I was feeling. Of course, this is the one time that my verbal diarrhea decided to find a miracle cure so all I could do was kiss her... In front of the entire hospital lobby! Addy, everyone saw us.”
“When you say 'everyone', define 'EVERYONE'.”
“I don't know...” Callie was starting to get a little frustrated. She was looking for words of encouragement... not a round of verbal sparring. “It's not like I had my eyes open or anything. It's bad enough that I found out the next day that Christina and Miranda saw us. I don't know what I would do if I knew that Izzy or Meredith saw us.. Oh god... What if George saw us!”
“What does that matter?”
“I don't know!” The thoughts were starting to run full speed laps around her head again. It was all too difficult to process.
“You're not making any sense. What does it matter if everyone saw anyway? It's the 21st century, Callie... Why would it be any different if you were caught outside the hospital making out with Mark? Who cares if you want to be with another woman?”
“I do...” The words resonated through Callie's ears. This was the first time she had admitted to herself that the problem actually lie within her.
“So now we're getting to the root of the problem...”
“God, I can't believe I said that. You know that I don't have a single problem with other people being gay... So why in the hell is it such a huge deal when it's me?”
“I think you know the answer to that...”
“I'm NOT GAY, Addy. Remember! I like penis! Or at least I thought I did... I just... How can I be becoming someone totally different when I thought I was one way and now suddenly I'm not? How ridiculous is it for woman in her thirties to suddenly find herself attractive to another woman?”
“It's not ridiculous and you're not a different person. You just happened to fall for a person who happens to be a wonderfully smart and caring woman. Cal, she loves you.”
“How on earth could you know that?” Callie felt her breath catch in her throat. Really? Could she really be loved by this beautiful woman?
“Remember that night I flew back to LA when I went to Joe's with you and Erica? When you went off to dance with Mark I caught her just staring at you... but not in that crazy stalker bad way. She had this look on her face like she was admiring every part of you.”
“Really?” Callie couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could she have been so oblivious to Erica's advances this entire time?
“I asked her if she thought you were pretty. Do you know what she said? She told me that you were BEAUTIFUL.”
“Okay, now I'm feeling like an ass.”
“Don't... It's okay. You didn't know. You have your chance now. Who cares what everyone else thinks? What matters is what you feel. Do you love her, Callie?”
“Yes,” It had been the first time that she had openly admitted this to anyone. It was scary but liberating. “I do...”
“Then you should talk to her... but not right now. She may not take a late night call as lightly as I do.”
“Okay, I will... Thanks for talking me off the ledge, Addy. I really needed it.”
“No problem. That's what friends are for, right? Now before I let you go you HAVE to tell me one more thing...”
“Anything.”
“How was it?”
“What?”
“The sex Callie! How was your first act in the Vagina Monologues?”
Callie couldn't help but smile when she remembered the details of their first night together. She wasn't quite sure that metaphysical entities existed but she knew that the night was pretty damn magical. “Pretty freakin' awesome...”
“Good. Anyway, we've both got to get some rest tonight so take care okay? Good luck with everything. Remember, even though I'm down in LA now, I'm still a phone call away.”
“Thanks Addy. Goodnight.” Callie ended the call and placed the phone by her pillow. She was glad she finally had the opportunity to sort out some of the thoughts that had been running rampant in the brain. She closed her eyes and let sleep overwhelm her body for a few precious hours.
******
Erica crawled out of bed at four in the morning. She knew she had to haul herself into work in time for an early morning valve replacement. Still, the events of the last few days had made it difficult for her to motivate herself. She hadn't seen Callie since she had run out on her and it was starting to take its toll.
Erica didn't know what to do. She was never good in the relationship department. Over the years, she had kept herself confined to the rigors of being a top notch cardiothorasic surgeon. She never allowed herself much time to have a personal life. Now, these past choices were affecting her current relationship. She didn't know whether to call Callie or just let her come back on her own. She didn't know the right steps to take to salvage the best friendship she had ever had.
Throwing on a pair of fresh scrubs, she headed out the door and drove to the hospital. The early morning non-existent traffic made it possible to get to work in record time. Erica strode into the hospital holding onto her hardened shell the best she could. Thinking about Callie had taken its emotional toll and it was becoming increasingly harder to keep her professional image up.
As she walked through the glass doors, she couldn't help but notice Callie standing on the second floor balcony lost in her own thoughts. Erica was always able to locate Callie in the biggest, most crowded of rooms. She was a shining beacon that Erica couldn't help but be instantly attracted to.
Glancing at her best friend, she couldn't help but see the sadness and confusion. Erica felt that ball of guilt rise within her once again. She had tried to suppress it over the last few days but seeing Callie pushed her over the edge. What if she had pushed Callie too quickly? What if she wasn't ready for everything that happened that night?
Suddenly, Callie's eyes glance down and caught her own. In a state of panic, Erica quickly looked away and continued on her way to the doctor's lounge. She really needed to clear her head before going into surgery...
******
Callie woke up before her alarm went off. She knew she wasn't going to get much sleep in the first place so she just collected her belongings and went for a walk around the hospital so she could completely wake up. It was a nice time of the day to walk around because most patients were still asleep and the peanut gallery would not make it into work for a few hours.
As she neared the front lobby of the hospital, she stopped on the second floor balcony and spotted the exact location where she and Erica had shared that fated kiss. She closed her eyes and remembered how wonderful it had been and prayed that she could feel that way again. Even after her conversation with Addison, she still wasn't sure if the past few days could ever be erased.
Suddenly she felt as if a pair of eyes were gazing at her from the first floor. She adjusted her glance and was surprised to see Erica coming into work. It had been the first time they saw each other since that morning in front of the surgical board. It was also the first time that Callie was able to see the hurt in Erica's eyes.
Callie could see that Erica was trying her damndest to uphold her professional exterior. Despite her efforts, the sadness she was feeling was too easily portrayed by the glassiness of her eyes. They didn't have that usual piercing gaze that made everyone jump to attention whenever she walked into the room.
When Erica turned away, Callie made a promise to herself that she would make things right again. She couldn't stand seeing Erica so miserable. She couldn't stand being away from her best friend...
******
Another usual day at work had come and gone. Callie decided that it was finally time to face her fears and go home to the apartment. She wasn't one hundred percent ready to handle whatever Christina would say if she happened to be there. However, crashing at the hospital was beginning to take its toll and Callie longed for the familiar feeling of the couch she slept on. The need to get away from her place of employment greatly outweighed the fear of facing her friend. In truth, she was starting to wonder how she tolerated living in the hospital basement for all those years.
As she approached the apartment, Callie hesitantly opened the door and took a deep breath as it revealed a fairly happy Christina perched on the kitchen counter munching on a bowl of cereal.
“Hey.” Callie glanced at her friend who seemed fairly surprised to see her.
“Hey... I thought you would've gone over to Hahn's place or something.”
“Yeah that...” Callie sighed, slightly surprised that Christina would suggest such a thing, “We're kind of not talking right now.”
“WHAT?” Christina hopped off the counter and plopped herself on the couch next to Callie. “You've got to be kidding me. I thought you two were you know... doing the McNasty.”
“We were... Until I completely screwed it up.” Callie leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. Even though she had made it a point to make things right, she was still searching for the courage to take the first step forward.
“What do you mean you WERE?” Christina sprung forward and sat on the edge of the seat trying to catch Callie attention. “I saw you two outside of the front lobby making out like lovesick teenagers. You two are supposed to be all googly eyed and touchy feely right now.”
“Believe me, I wish that was the case too.”
“You need to make up with her!”
“Excuse me?” Callie couldn't believe what she was hearing. This was the first time she had heard Christina be so supportive of any of the people she decided to date. “Why are you so invested in who I sleep with all of the sudden?”
“A happy Hahn is a Hahn that will give me plenty of happy happy surgeries!”
“Come again?”
“Don't you get it? This is WAY better than me having to ask her best friend... YOU... to pull favors to get me in. Now that you two are finally together, she'll be in a much better mood. Callie, you're my ticket onto the fast track to cardiothoracic glory!”
Callie sighed and shook her head. “Really? Is that really the only reason why you want to see us all happy and together again?
“Listen carefully because I'm only going to tell you this once.” Christina edged closer to Callie and lowered her voice as if there were ears listening in the walls. “It's about time you got over that whole Bambi ordeal and found a real stud to be with. Who cares if you want to be with a chick now? Hahn's got this incredibly sexy brain and she isn't too bad to look at either. Besides, I can see how you make each other happy... You belong together.”
Callie couldn't help but chuckle. “Not bad for someone who doesn't know how to talk girl.”
“Yeah well, I've been practicing...” Christina got up in triumph and and started heading to her room, “You need to talk to her Callie.”
“I will...”
“Good... because I'm ready for plenty of happy happy surgeries to suddenly fall into my hands.” Christina proclaimed as she turned into her room and shut the door.
Callie sat up and stared at her car keys that were splayed on the coffee table. Christina was right, she needed to do something about the craziness that had happened over the last few days. She needed to show Erica that she could do this... that she wasn't a coward anymore.
******
Callie turned her ignition to the car and stuck her ipod on shuffle. She needed a little musical encouragement before she could even think to step foot on Erica's doorstep. She laughed to herself as she realized it was starting to drizzle. Of course the heavens would decide to open on the night she would try to open her heart.
As she turned onto the main road, she could feel that ball of fear and uncertainty rise up from deep within her. She tried her best to let it pass. It wasn't going to help matters and she needed to calm her nerves so that she would say the right words. The last thing she wanted to do was freeze up and rely on her body language to do all the talking... again.
Fifteen mintues into her twenty minute journey to Erica's, the drizzle suddenly developed into a downpour. Callie turned her wipers on full speed but it was still getting difficult to see. It was a good thing the route to Erica's was burned into her memory. She had driven these roads so many times that she would probably be able to drive them blindfolded.
The entire drive to the house, she had been humming and singing along to the random songs that would pop up on her play list. It helped her mind to push away any of the negative thoughts that would suddenly appear in her head. A few minutes from Erica's house, a familiar song started to play. Callie had heard this song many times before but this time she actually heard what the lyrics had to say.
If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back
And the city went quiet and we fade to black
Well I won't have a single regret
And I wouldn't trade a thing
Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me
I knew all the time I was taking a chance
When I stand there on the edge of the cliff and no one was holding my hand
Well the wind blew strong and the clouds rolled in and I, I felt us lift off the ground
Yes I bared my soul and I dared to go knowing one day you might let me down
Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved
You
Callie pulled into the driveway and turned off her car. She sighed and thought about the words she just heard. Was EVERYONE in this world trying to push her back to the woman she loved??? It was as if the powers that be wouldn't let her rest until she made amends.
It's true, Callie had taken the chance and let herself be loved by her best friend. As scared as she was, she was better for it. Even though fear raced through every tiny crevice in her body, there was not a single regret. With Erica, she had felt the highest of highs... and the lowest of lows. It was time to set things right. She was going to let her best friend and lover into her life once again.
Callie closed her eyes and took a deep breath before removing the key from the ignition and stepping outside the car. The rain was still pouring heavily and she silently cursed the fact that she didn't have an umbrella to take shelter under. Erica's front yard had a long path to the front door and there was no cover to be found. She didn't want to show up on Erica's front step looking like a drowned rat but her legs wouldn't carry her any faster. Her body was still fighting that damned fight or flight response and it took willing every cell in her body to move forward to get her self to the door.
After what seemed forever, Callie found herself under the porch roof staring at the doorbell. What if she was already asleep? Does she take well to uninvited guests? What will she do when she opens the door and realizes it's me? Will she even answer the door?
Callie's mind raced. There was nothing more to do but reach forward and ring the bell. It was time to let fate take its course. A few seconds passed and there was no answer. The light was off and there was no indication that anyone would be coming any time soon.
Callie turned in defeat and started on a rain soaked journey back to her car. As if on cue, she noticed some lights turn on and the sound of the bolt turning. Callie turned back and waited impatiently for the door to swing open. It was going to be now or never. If she didn't tell Erica everything now, she may never work up the courage to do it again.
The door slowly opened revealing a half asleep Erica Hahn dressed in nothing but a pair of boxers and a tank top. For a second she shot Callie that “what the hell are you doing here” look with her sharp crystal blue eyes. It was already past midnight and she had to be back at the hospital at a fairly early hour.
Erica gazed at Callie and noticed she was soaked to the bone and looking damn terrified. Realizing that this beautiful woman had fought every inner battle to get to this doorstep, she couldn't help but soften her expression and open the door all the way. She knew it was time to let her best friend back in.
******
A/N: Sorry for the long time before this update... Work pretty much consumed my life over the past 2 weeks. I really hope this chapter didn't come across too disjointed.