(no subject)
Today... I got to visit with my father and his wife.
I really haven't a clue why I continue to associate with such hateful people. They cannot remain positive, caring or supportive. After a fairly nice lunch they had to start getting so mean-spirited and snarky.
I have some shoes I am really very happy with, Vibram Five-Fingers in the classic style. They look a little funny, but they're comfortable and the best pair of shoes I can remember ever having. However, in their eyes these are just house shoes and attention getters which are ridiculous and shouldn't be considered for regular daily wear.
I don't wear shoes in or around the house. There is no purpose in doing so. Shoes are for going outside to shop or otherwise leave my personal domain. The biggest exception to this is during the summer when I could get serious burns, or in the coldest parts of the year when the concrete freezes bone, walking across the drive to check the mail.
I discovered that a drugstore had socks with separate toes were on sale, and wanted to go check them out. Having found some that were acceptable, Dad bought them for me. The whole time I was standing in line with him, his wife nagged me about how it was one thing to treat a child, and entirely another to be buying something for a married woman.
Somehow we went from having that nice lunch to discussing how terrible I must be to be broke, jobless and thousands of miles from my husband who ought to be providing for me. As I'm grown and should be responsible for myself, I need to forget about trying to get a food box so I have something to eat and instead focus on finding work. It's unacceptable to believe that having food is important to being employed, because clearly once I have work I won't require food, or some other such illogical nonsense.
Instead of worrying about food, or vocational training [which takes months], I ought to just get whatever job I can walk into off the street and be hired for. When I've gotten that job, then I need to save up to buy a car [which makes so much sense given I have never had a license to drive anywhere], which will enable me to return to the rural area my husband lives and be able to work there as I'll be able to drive the who knows how many miles to who knows where for work of some sort.
...
I do not know how talking at me is in any way conducive to improving my life.
I do not know how paying ten dollars for a few pairs of socks is such a terrible thing, if it was that bad I could have A] gone without, or B] bought them myself.
I do not know how insulting my brother is in any way helpful to myself and see it less helpful to my brother.
I do not know how anyone's quality of life is in any way benefited by a complete lack of effort on all parties' account, whether it's my own effort or the efforts of those who claim to wish the best for me.
...
Change is very frightening and difficult.
I have never had a job, beyond the few times in my life I have volunteered for a convention or SCA event.
I do not have a support group out there willing to hold my hand, encourage me, cheer on my accomplishments no matter how small [my husband thought it was weird I wanted him to congratulate me for finishing a whole plate of food], or otherwise help me adjust to being human.
I never really thought I was human, when I was in the second grade I insisted I was alien, later elementary years had me caterwauling like a cornered cougar or howling like some kind of canid when pitted against aggressive peers, and that feeling of otherness hasn't ever stopped being under the skin.
I cry at night, sometimes, because I feel so overwhelmed and inexperienced and helpless.
Other times I try to convince my body to just not bother waking up.
...
Talking and berating someone for being who they are really, honestly, will never work to make them into someone else. It's better, instead, to let them stumble and make mistakes. If they fall, it's fine to offer a helping hand, but a mocking voice and insincere attitude is only going to serve as a way to make them repulsed and withdrawn.
And since I really don't know what the point of rambling is anymore, aside from something to focus on to prevent unnecessary tears, I think I'll have said my say.
I really haven't a clue why I continue to associate with such hateful people. They cannot remain positive, caring or supportive. After a fairly nice lunch they had to start getting so mean-spirited and snarky.
I have some shoes I am really very happy with, Vibram Five-Fingers in the classic style. They look a little funny, but they're comfortable and the best pair of shoes I can remember ever having. However, in their eyes these are just house shoes and attention getters which are ridiculous and shouldn't be considered for regular daily wear.
I don't wear shoes in or around the house. There is no purpose in doing so. Shoes are for going outside to shop or otherwise leave my personal domain. The biggest exception to this is during the summer when I could get serious burns, or in the coldest parts of the year when the concrete freezes bone, walking across the drive to check the mail.
I discovered that a drugstore had socks with separate toes were on sale, and wanted to go check them out. Having found some that were acceptable, Dad bought them for me. The whole time I was standing in line with him, his wife nagged me about how it was one thing to treat a child, and entirely another to be buying something for a married woman.
Somehow we went from having that nice lunch to discussing how terrible I must be to be broke, jobless and thousands of miles from my husband who ought to be providing for me. As I'm grown and should be responsible for myself, I need to forget about trying to get a food box so I have something to eat and instead focus on finding work. It's unacceptable to believe that having food is important to being employed, because clearly once I have work I won't require food, or some other such illogical nonsense.
Instead of worrying about food, or vocational training [which takes months], I ought to just get whatever job I can walk into off the street and be hired for. When I've gotten that job, then I need to save up to buy a car [which makes so much sense given I have never had a license to drive anywhere], which will enable me to return to the rural area my husband lives and be able to work there as I'll be able to drive the who knows how many miles to who knows where for work of some sort.
...
I do not know how talking at me is in any way conducive to improving my life.
I do not know how paying ten dollars for a few pairs of socks is such a terrible thing, if it was that bad I could have A] gone without, or B] bought them myself.
I do not know how insulting my brother is in any way helpful to myself and see it less helpful to my brother.
I do not know how anyone's quality of life is in any way benefited by a complete lack of effort on all parties' account, whether it's my own effort or the efforts of those who claim to wish the best for me.
...
Change is very frightening and difficult.
I have never had a job, beyond the few times in my life I have volunteered for a convention or SCA event.
I do not have a support group out there willing to hold my hand, encourage me, cheer on my accomplishments no matter how small [my husband thought it was weird I wanted him to congratulate me for finishing a whole plate of food], or otherwise help me adjust to being human.
I never really thought I was human, when I was in the second grade I insisted I was alien, later elementary years had me caterwauling like a cornered cougar or howling like some kind of canid when pitted against aggressive peers, and that feeling of otherness hasn't ever stopped being under the skin.
I cry at night, sometimes, because I feel so overwhelmed and inexperienced and helpless.
Other times I try to convince my body to just not bother waking up.
...
Talking and berating someone for being who they are really, honestly, will never work to make them into someone else. It's better, instead, to let them stumble and make mistakes. If they fall, it's fine to offer a helping hand, but a mocking voice and insincere attitude is only going to serve as a way to make them repulsed and withdrawn.
And since I really don't know what the point of rambling is anymore, aside from something to focus on to prevent unnecessary tears, I think I'll have said my say.