A few thoughts...
It happens infrequently, this feeling. This need. It's usually the kind of feeling that gets kept down,repressed a good portion of the time. This need, this ache, to be wanted and cared for.
To have someone who sees a change in your eyes when you're sad or upset. Someone who sees the shadows come to your face and knows what's wrong, who cares what's wrong. Someone to give just a gentle touch or caress to comfort, kind words to soothe.
Plenty of people have these kinds of people, some are surrounded by them. They have friends, lovers, who care for them as kindred spirits or soul mates. People who have a caring,compassionate heart and reach out easily with sympathy and love.
Some seek out such contact constantly, always looking for someone to treat them so, unable to survive without the constant assurance and support of others. Many others exist without such care, at times willing, eager to enjoy their existance without the need for others.
How does one find a balance? A balance between the need and the independence.
It's hard for me... when there's such a change in temperment for me. While I usually avoid the closeness, at times I wonder if it's an excuse. A way to excuse feeling unlovable and unworth of other's affections, by stating those affections aren't wanted anyway.
It's not a matter of not having it then, if I say I don't want it anyway. Occasionally, the facade breaks though, and I do want it. Yearn for it, in fact. To feel what others feel. To be told the light of the world reflects in my eyes, and there is no one but me for another.
To feel a touch as gentle as silk, loving and warm. To feel the strength of comforting arms around me as a presence larger and stronger than myself.
You can't find what you don't look for. With the billions of people in this world, this holds more true than ever before. Yet, isn't it better to just not look, to close yourself off and say it's nothing you want to find, rather than search unendingly and find no one willing to fill the position?
"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." How true is this, really? Who can say for sure? Isn't it better to never have that comforting caress, the lover's gaze, or the compassionate shoulder, than to have it briefly and lose it? To constantly pine for what you once had?
Either way, once the barrier is up, it probably doesn't matter does it.Perhaps such a barrier is permanent, once erected. It's built on past hurts and insecurities afterall, quite a strong foundation.
This is all an insight into why I shy away from romantic movies or books. I feel they give the impression of romantic relationships that don't exist in real life. That couldn't possibly be real, at least for me. They're fine for actors and actresses at the peak of their youth and beauty,but when you're average at best, they're a harsh reminder of what will never be.
Love stories and romance don't exist for the overweight and shy. There's no burning love and passion there. Fond feelings perhaps, maybe even love, but never the world altering fire and romance you read about or see in movies.
So in a way it's like sour grapes. Where you say "I wouldn't of wanted it anyway" when you know you can't have it.
Deep down, however, it's a human instinct isn't it. To crave compassion and sympathy, to be noticed, cared for completely by another person. A need to be wanted deeply. To have a spot in the world.
I have to wonder... is that part of the driving force behind life?
I certaintly don't know
To have someone who sees a change in your eyes when you're sad or upset. Someone who sees the shadows come to your face and knows what's wrong, who cares what's wrong. Someone to give just a gentle touch or caress to comfort, kind words to soothe.
Plenty of people have these kinds of people, some are surrounded by them. They have friends, lovers, who care for them as kindred spirits or soul mates. People who have a caring,compassionate heart and reach out easily with sympathy and love.
Some seek out such contact constantly, always looking for someone to treat them so, unable to survive without the constant assurance and support of others. Many others exist without such care, at times willing, eager to enjoy their existance without the need for others.
How does one find a balance? A balance between the need and the independence.
It's hard for me... when there's such a change in temperment for me. While I usually avoid the closeness, at times I wonder if it's an excuse. A way to excuse feeling unlovable and unworth of other's affections, by stating those affections aren't wanted anyway.
It's not a matter of not having it then, if I say I don't want it anyway. Occasionally, the facade breaks though, and I do want it. Yearn for it, in fact. To feel what others feel. To be told the light of the world reflects in my eyes, and there is no one but me for another.
To feel a touch as gentle as silk, loving and warm. To feel the strength of comforting arms around me as a presence larger and stronger than myself.
You can't find what you don't look for. With the billions of people in this world, this holds more true than ever before. Yet, isn't it better to just not look, to close yourself off and say it's nothing you want to find, rather than search unendingly and find no one willing to fill the position?
"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." How true is this, really? Who can say for sure? Isn't it better to never have that comforting caress, the lover's gaze, or the compassionate shoulder, than to have it briefly and lose it? To constantly pine for what you once had?
Either way, once the barrier is up, it probably doesn't matter does it.Perhaps such a barrier is permanent, once erected. It's built on past hurts and insecurities afterall, quite a strong foundation.
This is all an insight into why I shy away from romantic movies or books. I feel they give the impression of romantic relationships that don't exist in real life. That couldn't possibly be real, at least for me. They're fine for actors and actresses at the peak of their youth and beauty,but when you're average at best, they're a harsh reminder of what will never be.
Love stories and romance don't exist for the overweight and shy. There's no burning love and passion there. Fond feelings perhaps, maybe even love, but never the world altering fire and romance you read about or see in movies.
So in a way it's like sour grapes. Where you say "I wouldn't of wanted it anyway" when you know you can't have it.
Deep down, however, it's a human instinct isn't it. To crave compassion and sympathy, to be noticed, cared for completely by another person. A need to be wanted deeply. To have a spot in the world.
I have to wonder... is that part of the driving force behind life?
I certaintly don't know