I want my talents to be useful...
Earlier today I got an email from my husband asking for the phone number of one of our friends who is a professional photographer. (one of his coworkers is getting married and needs a photographer.) So I sent the number and a link to her website. Of course, in doing that I had to go look at it, too! I LOVE her images! They are just, I don't know... it's like she's able to capture the essence of her subject so that it's more than just little dots of color on a screen or print. It's like you can feel their alive-ness looking at them. I do, anyway. They bring a smile to my heart.
It got me to thinking about how she's built this business up over that past few years, though, and how I wish I could put my interests and (I hope) talents to good use. I want to be her! I want to be that mostly-all-together, confident, intelligent mom, who also happens to make some money doing something she loves. Yes, I know you need to be having the experiences you're having for a reason, and that it's unfair to compare your weakneses to someone else's strengths. Still, I so badly want to DO something with the things that I love. I want to learn more about photography - and really just design in general. I would love to do design work and have an income doing it. I'm just a teensy bit scared.
Okay, fine, let's be honest.
I'm freaking terrified!
Why?
I have an Associates degree in General Art. (Basically, I didn't have enough credits for either graphic design or illustration, and didn't feel like doing another semester at the time.) While I'm glad I did actually get a degree of some sort, it doesn't bolster my confidence all that much. Towards the end of my last semester I was told by my graphic design professor, Kelly Burgener, whom I held in very high regard, that I probably wouldn't do too well in the graphic design business. I did have good organizational skills though. (Go figure that. My computer files are organized, yet almost everything else in my life is not) That, in combination with a field trip to see some design firms and artists, pretty well convinced me that my talents were, shall we say, less than desireable for professional standards. I did end up with a B in the class though, which REALLY surprised me. (He wasn't called B+ Burgener for nothing!)
I highly doubt he meant to crush my dreams and cause me to forever second guess my artistic and design abilities. He really was and still is an awesome teacher. I'd take more classes from him if I could. In some ways, I suppose he just confirmed my nagging doubts about my talents. I felt a little like those American Idol contestants whose friends and family have told them they sound great, when they really only sound okay - if that. Not exactly though - just sort of taken down a notch. I can't really blame him for his assessment though. I really was only half-doing my work, if that. Most of my spare time was spent waiting tables at a local tex mex restaurant, not doing homework. And when I DID do it, I had a difficult time making decisions about what I wanted. (Now that I think about it, it would almost be easier to do a job FOR someone. Half the decisions are already made for you.) I think that what most frustrates me about the whole thing. I know I am capable of working hard on things, and I didn't really put all the effort I could have and should have into my projects.
What is the point of all this? I love these things, I'm just afraid I could never be successful sharing them with the wider world - or even the local one. I feel like I'd be just waiting for the ball to drop so everyone could see that I'm really not as talented as I hope I am. Of course, maybe it's not that I don't think I have enough artistic talent. Perhaps it's more that I'm afraid that I won't have the level of commitment needed to do a good job. Or maybe it's a little of both.
I think being successful in this way also scares me. Other people can be successful, and I'm happy for them to be. I hold no malice towards them, or think it's unfair that they are and I'm not in the same way. I'm just not sure I would do so well with it. Or maybe I would. I get excited thinking about it, but then I start to be more freaked out than excited. Like when you're at the first, highest drop of a rollercoaster and you know your throat is going to be thrown into the pit of your stomach. I love rollercoasters though. I just don't like my life throwing me down the tracks at high speeds. :)
Wow.
I didnt' realize I had so much to say about this.
I'm still not sure just what I'm going to do about it, though.