insecurities
insecurities are weird and hard. i try and make sense of it in my head and talk my self out of the irrational bits but it's still hard. i know it's silly.... but being in relationships makes things more intense, there's more to lose, there's more to work on and work for. and then there's jealousy... i own it now, i don't put it all on the other person, i accept my part in it. so i know i've made progress. but i still feel it... sometimes i think i just feel too much! it's just hard because i've felt that rejection.... countless times people that i loved decided they couldn't be with me for supposedly bigger personal reasons but in the end they could be with a different person. i'm just scared of that sometimes... i don't know how to shake off these hierarchies that i make in my head, it's so ingrained in me. i don't want to fall into those traps of competition and comparisons, but so often that's my immediate reaction... until i try to rationalize it and deconstruct it.
i know it's dumb, but i can't help but feel those pangs. stupid insecurities, other people being everything i'm not or can't be.... ugh, i really need to let it go and just know that it's fine, healthy, okay.
even so...with all the worries and insecurities... it's really amazing to be in a relationship with a lot of trust. trusting is fucking scary, it leaves me so vulnerable. but i know this person i have in my life is treating my heart tenderly and that everything is truly sweet and wonderful. i am so happy that this is my life, i just need to remember that i deserve it and to let myself really enjoy it.
i know it's dumb, but i can't help but feel those pangs. stupid insecurities, other people being everything i'm not or can't be.... ugh, i really need to let it go and just know that it's fine, healthy, okay.
even so...with all the worries and insecurities... it's really amazing to be in a relationship with a lot of trust. trusting is fucking scary, it leaves me so vulnerable. but i know this person i have in my life is treating my heart tenderly and that everything is truly sweet and wonderful. i am so happy that this is my life, i just need to remember that i deserve it and to let myself really enjoy it.