The value of struggles...
A friend of mine reminded me today that sometimes it is important to remember the struggles of life because then the successes become more clear..
Here is my biggest struggle... and success, too.
Our oldest daughter is different...
As a newborn infant she cried. ALL. THE. TIME. She hated both nursing and bottles but was uber attached to her blanket (and at 10 still is). As an older infant she would throw up every time she cried. Anytime we left the house she would become so stressed that by the time we would get home she would cry and throw up ALL night. Talk about frustrating! In fact, she didn't even manage to sleep through the night until she was well over two. We call it our zombie period. ;)
But we learned how to calm her. It wasn't always easy but we did it and as she grew we taught her how to calm herself. We found her boundaries and respected them, pushing them only when absolutely necessary. We treated her as the valuable loved member of our family that she is. Because, really, to us, she wasn't different, she simply was who she was. Our daughter.
As she got older there were more and more aspects of her behaviour that fell outside the norm but still it didn't matter. She still simply was our daughter and although we knew there were labels out there describing her, we didn't need or want them. We always have taken things as they come. Sure often times it was hard and confusing and demoralizing but all that truly mattered was that our daughter was a special, beautiful (both inside and out), and loving child. And knowing that we've guided, taught, and protected her as carefully as we could with kind gentle words.
She is 10 now and over the last few years it has been difficult to avoid labels being applied to her. We avoided it as long as we could out of fear that they would do more harm than good. To us she simply was who she was and it didn't matter how the outside world would label or treat her. We knew her best. However, we couldn't hold them back forever and now that she knows them we use them as tools to help her understand what makes her tick and to help her understand how others work as well.
Labels are dangerous things, and until a child is old enough to understand them, I hesitate to ever use them. I firmly believe that she needed to be old enough to think rationally before she started learning them.
I know they can be freeing. They can help you understand that you aren't alone in your struggles! Lessening the isolation that comes with being different. The understanding that 'It isn't only me!' and 'There are other people that do this too!' is empowering. But there is great danger is in the lines that labels draw. Lines describing who and what she is and who and what she is not. My daughter is not a box, nor should she be kept in one. People are never that cut and dry and by labeling her I don't want her to feel like she exists outside of our society. Because she doesn't exist on the outside and I refuse to allow her to feel alienated.
Who cares that she is 10 and can barely read? She adores books and learning. She can tell you more about sharks and dinosaurs than you would ever care to know. Her bed has always been, and I fear always will be, a mess of books. I remember when she was three, I would go to check on her in the middle of the night, only to find her curled up in a tiny ball surrounded by 20 or so books. She would carve out a little nest for herself and snuggle up in it, surrounded by books. (so adorable!)
Who cares that she doesn't understand how to interact with a group of kids her age? She can spot an upset or emotionally hurting person a mile away. She sees people, she watches, she understands, and she is the most compassionate and loving person I know. She has a place in this world and it is a valuable place at that! It doesn't matter that she doesn't understand how to interact fully - people come in all shapes and sizes and not all of them are extroverts with tons of friends. Not to mention that she tries, she really really tries. In fact, she does extremely well interacting with others considering the amount of anxiety it causes her.
So, that is my biggest struggle and I think my biggest success. It is struggle because as a parent you feel responsible for your child's development and when they don't follow what is deemed 'normal' it is a blow to your own self-worth as well as your child's. It isn't easy to know the best path when raising children but raising a special needs child is even more of a challenge.
It is my greatest success because my daughter, despite being different, is happy and confident and each day she tries her hardest to meet her full potential. She understands that she is more than the labels that are often applied to her. She sees the labels as tools and never crutches. And perhaps most importantly, they are never ever secrets. She knows that she belongs in this world no matter how differently she thinks and that she will always be valued and loved.
My daughter is a severely dyslexic, introvert, who is super highly sensitive and has aspergers, and she is amazing.
Here is my biggest struggle... and success, too.
Our oldest daughter is different...
As a newborn infant she cried. ALL. THE. TIME. She hated both nursing and bottles but was uber attached to her blanket (and at 10 still is). As an older infant she would throw up every time she cried. Anytime we left the house she would become so stressed that by the time we would get home she would cry and throw up ALL night. Talk about frustrating! In fact, she didn't even manage to sleep through the night until she was well over two. We call it our zombie period. ;)
But we learned how to calm her. It wasn't always easy but we did it and as she grew we taught her how to calm herself. We found her boundaries and respected them, pushing them only when absolutely necessary. We treated her as the valuable loved member of our family that she is. Because, really, to us, she wasn't different, she simply was who she was. Our daughter.
As she got older there were more and more aspects of her behaviour that fell outside the norm but still it didn't matter. She still simply was our daughter and although we knew there were labels out there describing her, we didn't need or want them. We always have taken things as they come. Sure often times it was hard and confusing and demoralizing but all that truly mattered was that our daughter was a special, beautiful (both inside and out), and loving child. And knowing that we've guided, taught, and protected her as carefully as we could with kind gentle words.
She is 10 now and over the last few years it has been difficult to avoid labels being applied to her. We avoided it as long as we could out of fear that they would do more harm than good. To us she simply was who she was and it didn't matter how the outside world would label or treat her. We knew her best. However, we couldn't hold them back forever and now that she knows them we use them as tools to help her understand what makes her tick and to help her understand how others work as well.
Labels are dangerous things, and until a child is old enough to understand them, I hesitate to ever use them. I firmly believe that she needed to be old enough to think rationally before she started learning them.
I know they can be freeing. They can help you understand that you aren't alone in your struggles! Lessening the isolation that comes with being different. The understanding that 'It isn't only me!' and 'There are other people that do this too!' is empowering. But there is great danger is in the lines that labels draw. Lines describing who and what she is and who and what she is not. My daughter is not a box, nor should she be kept in one. People are never that cut and dry and by labeling her I don't want her to feel like she exists outside of our society. Because she doesn't exist on the outside and I refuse to allow her to feel alienated.
Who cares that she is 10 and can barely read? She adores books and learning. She can tell you more about sharks and dinosaurs than you would ever care to know. Her bed has always been, and I fear always will be, a mess of books. I remember when she was three, I would go to check on her in the middle of the night, only to find her curled up in a tiny ball surrounded by 20 or so books. She would carve out a little nest for herself and snuggle up in it, surrounded by books. (so adorable!)
Who cares that she doesn't understand how to interact with a group of kids her age? She can spot an upset or emotionally hurting person a mile away. She sees people, she watches, she understands, and she is the most compassionate and loving person I know. She has a place in this world and it is a valuable place at that! It doesn't matter that she doesn't understand how to interact fully - people come in all shapes and sizes and not all of them are extroverts with tons of friends. Not to mention that she tries, she really really tries. In fact, she does extremely well interacting with others considering the amount of anxiety it causes her.
So, that is my biggest struggle and I think my biggest success. It is struggle because as a parent you feel responsible for your child's development and when they don't follow what is deemed 'normal' it is a blow to your own self-worth as well as your child's. It isn't easy to know the best path when raising children but raising a special needs child is even more of a challenge.
It is my greatest success because my daughter, despite being different, is happy and confident and each day she tries her hardest to meet her full potential. She understands that she is more than the labels that are often applied to her. She sees the labels as tools and never crutches. And perhaps most importantly, they are never ever secrets. She knows that she belongs in this world no matter how differently she thinks and that she will always be valued and loved.
My daughter is a severely dyslexic, introvert, who is super highly sensitive and has aspergers, and she is amazing.