2012 in review
Last night in conversation I told someone that I was broken, and sometimes it was hard to believe that people care about me.
But it felt like a lie, calling myself broken.
I haven't felt that way in almost a year. Last January just after I moved out of the ex's apartment, sleeping on the floor because I didn't even have a bed, miserable and hating everything. I burned myself pretty badly, but even the pain didn't bring the relief I needed, it just left me with an ugly burn that took several months to heal. So I decided it was time to try something less self destructive.
I don't know how to describe most of it, since so much was internal. I had to figure out a lot of things and change my perspective in a lot of areas. I had to learn how to try letting myself be happier and more positive instead of always waiting for things to fall apart. Self fulfilling prophecy is a funny bastard, bad things happen faster when you're expecting them... Because you make them that way. Any hiccup becomes an apocalypse. Yet in a better frame of mind, hiccups stay hiccups and the world keeps moving even if you have a crappy day. Somehow when I'm not waiting for disaster, it's easier to deal with the things that do come up.
Don't get me wrong, life's not perfect. Financially, I'm a train wreck and barely surviving. Health wise I'm ignoring some things because I'm uninsured and can't afford the things that might be required to fix it. I deeply resent my kitten because she's ridiculously clingy and it makes me want to scream. I hate some of my bosses, and the high school drama in my workplace. I still need reassurance and affirmation that those I care for want me in their lives, and try to bottle up my insecurities so that I won't seem too needy or intense or impatient.
But. I'm in school and working toward something that is important to me. I have my own vehicle, a roof over my head, a job. I have people who love me, and am getting better at making new friends and actually connecting with other people. I finally feel like I'm part of the world around me, instead of just an observer. I'm being independent and responsible. I have adorable critters who I can love obsessively without fear of a restraining order. I have random moments of being so overwhelmed by happiness it feels like I could explode into a ray of sunshine.
2012 was amazing, and I'm gonna keep rolling with that momentum. 13 is one of my lucky numbers, so I expect good things from this year.
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