(no subject)
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used to create them." Albert Einstein
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about past relationships and the failures, which in more cases than I like to admit all come down to me doing or being stupid in some way. Following a ridiculously self destructive pattern of behavior even though I identified its unhealthy existence years ago.
Einstein also said “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” which has always been a favorite quote, but somehow I failed to see that it applied to me. Or, rather, failed to take action.
I could go on for pages about how I screw up relationships and should probably never attempt another, but a lot of it comes down to fear of abandonment leading me to sabotage things so that I can push them away instead of being cast off... and rushing into things just because I'm afraid they'll slip away if I try to take it slow. I've destroyed bridges and lost loves I never wanted to part from.
A lot of it also comes from expecting others to make me happy, which I know I've mentioned in other posts. I've spent a great deal of time researching co-dependence to see if that;s part of my problem, but considering how quickly I feel smothered by constant interaction (even with someone I love) it doesn't seem likely. I just somewhere along the line developed the idea that happiness should be something I get from my partners, rather than something I find within myself and share with others.
Valentines is a prime example of that. Most of the guys I've dated have been as romantic as a fence post, and I spent many years miserable on Valentines day. Either I was alone and went all mopey because I thought it meant nobody thought I was special, or I was miserable because whoever I was with didn't make a big deal of the day (or completely ignored it).
So today, making steps toward owning the responsibility for my own happiness, I decided to give myself a Valentines gift. Forget jewlery, I like ink <3
So I wrote "Love" on my arm... partially inspired by To Write Love On Her Arms (www.twolha.com/faq), which in turn helped inspire my decision to go back to school for a degree in Psychology so that I can help people who deal with these types of problems, and also as a set of reminders to myself. Yes, there is always hope for Love, but it can also be destructive and painful.
If I find the right connection someday, that will be amazingly wonderful...
If I don't? I'm coming to realize that maybe the best thing for me is to be alone. Love, romance, relationships, sex... they're all as destructive as they are fun, and maybe things I should leave off for a long while.
Ironically, one of the relationships I sabotaged was because I panicked at the idea of having my own space and only getting face-to-face time on the occasional weekend. At the time I couldn't imagine maintaining my own space and living for myself during the times between those visits. Yet now I'm realizing that exactly what I need is to have my own space and place, with occasional bouts of human contact.
Meh. Life in hermittville can be overly complicated at times, but I think ultimately that being on my own is going to be more healthy than any kind of relationship I might fall into at this point. I'm not even sure what kind of friendships would be healthy right now, although I realize that I can't close myself off entirely.
Its going to take time, and a lot more thought. Luckily the one person in my life who I can rely on to actually communicate with me is myself, though I'll keep that elsewhere. I think most of whats in my head needs to be a private conversation for the time being.
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about past relationships and the failures, which in more cases than I like to admit all come down to me doing or being stupid in some way. Following a ridiculously self destructive pattern of behavior even though I identified its unhealthy existence years ago.
Einstein also said “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” which has always been a favorite quote, but somehow I failed to see that it applied to me. Or, rather, failed to take action.
I could go on for pages about how I screw up relationships and should probably never attempt another, but a lot of it comes down to fear of abandonment leading me to sabotage things so that I can push them away instead of being cast off... and rushing into things just because I'm afraid they'll slip away if I try to take it slow. I've destroyed bridges and lost loves I never wanted to part from.
A lot of it also comes from expecting others to make me happy, which I know I've mentioned in other posts. I've spent a great deal of time researching co-dependence to see if that;s part of my problem, but considering how quickly I feel smothered by constant interaction (even with someone I love) it doesn't seem likely. I just somewhere along the line developed the idea that happiness should be something I get from my partners, rather than something I find within myself and share with others.
Valentines is a prime example of that. Most of the guys I've dated have been as romantic as a fence post, and I spent many years miserable on Valentines day. Either I was alone and went all mopey because I thought it meant nobody thought I was special, or I was miserable because whoever I was with didn't make a big deal of the day (or completely ignored it).
So today, making steps toward owning the responsibility for my own happiness, I decided to give myself a Valentines gift. Forget jewlery, I like ink <3
So I wrote "Love" on my arm... partially inspired by To Write Love On Her Arms (www.twolha.com/faq), which in turn helped inspire my decision to go back to school for a degree in Psychology so that I can help people who deal with these types of problems, and also as a set of reminders to myself. Yes, there is always hope for Love, but it can also be destructive and painful.
If I find the right connection someday, that will be amazingly wonderful...
If I don't? I'm coming to realize that maybe the best thing for me is to be alone. Love, romance, relationships, sex... they're all as destructive as they are fun, and maybe things I should leave off for a long while.
Ironically, one of the relationships I sabotaged was because I panicked at the idea of having my own space and only getting face-to-face time on the occasional weekend. At the time I couldn't imagine maintaining my own space and living for myself during the times between those visits. Yet now I'm realizing that exactly what I need is to have my own space and place, with occasional bouts of human contact.
Meh. Life in hermittville can be overly complicated at times, but I think ultimately that being on my own is going to be more healthy than any kind of relationship I might fall into at this point. I'm not even sure what kind of friendships would be healthy right now, although I realize that I can't close myself off entirely.
Its going to take time, and a lot more thought. Luckily the one person in my life who I can rely on to actually communicate with me is myself, though I'll keep that elsewhere. I think most of whats in my head needs to be a private conversation for the time being.