last dance (part 2/2)
part 2 of 2
They decided to go out for dinner. Not a fancy dinner, but to a pho joint, where the floors were a little sticky, and all the seats were cramped, and the menu was just a laminated piece of cardboard. Sooyoung remembered that Changmin got the classic beef pho, and she remembered opting for a chicken variant. She recalled him teasing her about that - that she ought to honour the traditions of the dish.
They laughed a lot over dinner. Sooyoung liked that. They also talked a bit about their pasts - about uncomfortable things, about things they disliked, about things they wanted to do when they were young - a lot of nostalgic things. Sooyoung liked this stage of their relationship - more sharing, more openness. She felt like she could trust him (but who didn’t think this during the honeymoon period).
It stayed like this for a while. They texted late, and on some evenings they skyped. As far as couples went, they weren’t anything out of the ordinary. Two people who really liked each other. They managed it through the year steadily. They both had their own difficult times going on in their lives, and sometimes, when social and work calendars didn’t line up, they endured the usual pathetic feelings of jealousy, of missing out, of yearning. And to be honest, there were moments when Sooyoung hated it - that she was feeling all these feelings because there was somebody in her life that she cared enough about. There was a time - in September - which was birthday month - and Changmin was getting invited out to birthday parties left, right and centre, and Sooyoung didn’t know where she fit in.
That was what lingered with her the most - the idea of fitting in. That somehow, when you found the right person, it meant that you fit in somewhere - as if before this incredibly romantic moment, you were just lost. Floating. Waiting to be found, and finally belong with someone else. Sooyoung didn’t like how when she missed Changmin, or when she felt that he had wronged her in some petty way, or wasn’t paying her enough attention - she didn’t like how it made her feel. That she needed him, somehow, to feel right and complete and just okay.
Sooyoung confessed these things to Changmin one night, after having Thai for dinner in one of the restaurants a block away from campus. He squeezed her hand tighter and told her that he doesn’t believe that. But he also goes that one step too far.
“If you feel this way, I’m not sure we should be together.”
Sooyoung stopped walking. “I’m not sure if that’s what I want - that’s not the point.”
He gave her this long look that she couldn't interpret, and he just led her onwards. They kept walking under the streetlights, until they got to her bus stop, and he saw her off, and she watched as he disappeared - getting smaller and smaller. She had this feeling that this was what it might be like if she didn’t do something to fix it. That if they never worked this out, or if she never figured out what it was she wanted, that this would keep happening, and one day, Changmin would just disappear, and forever remain out of her sight.
Some of Changmin’s friends want to go out in their mid-year break, and Changmin asked if she’d like to come out. Sooyoung eagerly texted back yes, and they arrange their meeting, like clockwork. Like nothing was wrong.
Changmin really believed it at that moment too - he knew that it was normal for couples to have doubts, or just face unknowns. Feelings were never so easy to discern. But at moments like this, when he saw Sooyoung rushing towards him out of the train station, a smile lighting up her eyes, Changmin felt as if they would be able to transcend their own demons. They walked together to the neon-lit Korean bar his friends had chosen, and as they talked, Sooyoung giggling about the horrible cocktail names and crude jokes overheard, Changmin felt more and more convinced that there wasn’t anything truly wrong between them. In fact, as far as couples went, he felt like they were cruising along well - perhaps better than average.
But as the night drew on, growing deeper and darker and dimmer, and friends started to head off, Changmin found himself with Sooyoung, and that gaping chasm opened up again.
The words echoed in his head - that she didn’t like this feeling, this intense feelings of togetherness. And as much as she apparently didn’t like it - Changmin felt it strongly too. The feeling of warmth that blossomed somewhere near the centre of his chest when she looked at him, the small rush that he got when she squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back. He wondered what it was like for Sooyoung - was it that this incredible attraction and electric thrill was frighteningly lovely? Was it possible to be fearful that something is too good?
It seemed that they would have all there important conversations in the cold. Changmin asked her - how did she feel when they held hands? It was a cute question.
She listed words - warm, comforted, secure.
Loved.
Yeah, that too.
They sat there together until the bus came, and Sooyoung stepped away, and Changmin watched as she found a window seat as the bus rolled away, and she didn’t look back at him.
The next semester had a difficult start. Sooyoung’s first instinct upon seeing Changmin at the campus food court was to step behind a pillar so that he wouldn’t spot her as he contemplated his pasta choices. She felt silly. They were dating. They were meant to be honest with each other. So she took another breath and walked up to him, and sank into his embrace. They got lunch together, and it felt normal again for a moment. Towards the end of her vermicelli salad though, Changmin asked her how she felt about where they were at. They were both starting to notice their drift, and the fog between them.
Sooyoung gave him the answer the next day as the sun was starting dip a little, and they lay together on a grassy hill overlooking the university sports field. Their faces were close, and she could feel his hand lazily on her waist, while she drummed her fingers on his chest. Surely it would be okay if they could just continue to enjoy each other in this certain capacity. Just because she was a little afraid of how much she felt didn’t mean that they should stop entirely.
Some good things are meant to be frightening.
They kissed deeply, and held each other longer. On the way to the main campus bus stop, they found grass stains on Changmin’s chinos.
Ten weeks later, Sooyoung found that most of their on campus dates had become study dates. They fell into that routine by accident, lured in by the quiet comfort of reading, highlighting, and typing with a loved one by their side. On the particularly cold and dreary days, Sooyoung would buy coffees for the both of them, and relish the affectionate kiss on the cheek received as thanks. On one of those days, Changmin kissed her and then mentioned that he’d be graduating soon. Sooyoung told him to stop making her feel so old.
Changmin dropped the topic, and didn’t say anything later that week, when he started sending in his clerkship applications.
After exams, Changmin started cancelling dates they had plans for as he got interview invites back. Sooyoung shrugged most of these disappointments off - she was mature enough to understand. They were small sacrifices to make for his future.
A few weeks later, they celebrated when he received two offers and had a fiery discussion over Thai about which one to accept. They both felt a little elated, a bit over the moon - that all this success felt a little too good to be true, and in those moments, how could anybody feel anything else apart from happiness?
How quickly good things could go away.
That started happening a month or so later, when Changmin started work. He had tried his best to spell out what was going to happen - that no matter what, he was going to let her down. They weren’t going to see each other nearly as much. She wouldn’t be able to reach him all the time, or at least he wouldn’t be able to get back to her as quickly. Things were going to change - regardless of how prepared they were for it.
Sooyoung heard all of this but the panic didn’t rise up until later. In the moment, she nodded and reassured him, that she’d figure it out. That she understood. And meanwhile, inside, there was a bubbling, boiling feeling of panic that maybe she wouldn’t be able to handle it. That she wasn’t at all prepared for what was going to happen.
But she ignored that feeling, and she kept reciting that reassurance: it was all going to be okay. It wouldn’t be that bad. And frankly, Changmin didn’t know how bad or good it was going to be. Maybe they’d make it through. He appreciated that Sooyoung was supportive and optimistic - he agreed that it was what they needed to feel. Deeper, darker, more worrisome thoughts weren’t productive or constructive. He was a believer in focusing on what you had control of.
A month into it, Changmin had thought they had made an admirable attempt, but what he couldn’t see so clearly was Sooyoung’s inexplicable pain and longing.
And so as far as Changmin could see, when Sooyoung thought they should ease off, it was out of the blue.
That was why when New Year’s Eve came, and Changmin didn’t arrive at the venue with Sooyoung, and instead shuffled through the barricades with his old group of friends, all the time wondering if Sooyoung was there, and if so, where? Would he see her that night? His group waded through the crowds, past sniffer dogs and security guards and pushed their way towards the front of the mosh. It was for the most part, a good time. He’s never disliked a rave. The music and the energy always gave him the same endorphin rush. But it felt decidedly less vivid and thrilling for that particular reason, being Sooyoung’s immediate absence.
And three hours later, with faces flooded with multicoloured lights, Changmin kissed her forehead, and let her go.
A/N: I admit that this is not my best work - but I'm happy with it to the extent that I felt like I delivered my understanding of this relationship as it existed in my head faithfully.
They decided to go out for dinner. Not a fancy dinner, but to a pho joint, where the floors were a little sticky, and all the seats were cramped, and the menu was just a laminated piece of cardboard. Sooyoung remembered that Changmin got the classic beef pho, and she remembered opting for a chicken variant. She recalled him teasing her about that - that she ought to honour the traditions of the dish.
They laughed a lot over dinner. Sooyoung liked that. They also talked a bit about their pasts - about uncomfortable things, about things they disliked, about things they wanted to do when they were young - a lot of nostalgic things. Sooyoung liked this stage of their relationship - more sharing, more openness. She felt like she could trust him (but who didn’t think this during the honeymoon period).
It stayed like this for a while. They texted late, and on some evenings they skyped. As far as couples went, they weren’t anything out of the ordinary. Two people who really liked each other. They managed it through the year steadily. They both had their own difficult times going on in their lives, and sometimes, when social and work calendars didn’t line up, they endured the usual pathetic feelings of jealousy, of missing out, of yearning. And to be honest, there were moments when Sooyoung hated it - that she was feeling all these feelings because there was somebody in her life that she cared enough about. There was a time - in September - which was birthday month - and Changmin was getting invited out to birthday parties left, right and centre, and Sooyoung didn’t know where she fit in.
That was what lingered with her the most - the idea of fitting in. That somehow, when you found the right person, it meant that you fit in somewhere - as if before this incredibly romantic moment, you were just lost. Floating. Waiting to be found, and finally belong with someone else. Sooyoung didn’t like how when she missed Changmin, or when she felt that he had wronged her in some petty way, or wasn’t paying her enough attention - she didn’t like how it made her feel. That she needed him, somehow, to feel right and complete and just okay.
Sooyoung confessed these things to Changmin one night, after having Thai for dinner in one of the restaurants a block away from campus. He squeezed her hand tighter and told her that he doesn’t believe that. But he also goes that one step too far.
“If you feel this way, I’m not sure we should be together.”
Sooyoung stopped walking. “I’m not sure if that’s what I want - that’s not the point.”
He gave her this long look that she couldn't interpret, and he just led her onwards. They kept walking under the streetlights, until they got to her bus stop, and he saw her off, and she watched as he disappeared - getting smaller and smaller. She had this feeling that this was what it might be like if she didn’t do something to fix it. That if they never worked this out, or if she never figured out what it was she wanted, that this would keep happening, and one day, Changmin would just disappear, and forever remain out of her sight.
Some of Changmin’s friends want to go out in their mid-year break, and Changmin asked if she’d like to come out. Sooyoung eagerly texted back yes, and they arrange their meeting, like clockwork. Like nothing was wrong.
Changmin really believed it at that moment too - he knew that it was normal for couples to have doubts, or just face unknowns. Feelings were never so easy to discern. But at moments like this, when he saw Sooyoung rushing towards him out of the train station, a smile lighting up her eyes, Changmin felt as if they would be able to transcend their own demons. They walked together to the neon-lit Korean bar his friends had chosen, and as they talked, Sooyoung giggling about the horrible cocktail names and crude jokes overheard, Changmin felt more and more convinced that there wasn’t anything truly wrong between them. In fact, as far as couples went, he felt like they were cruising along well - perhaps better than average.
But as the night drew on, growing deeper and darker and dimmer, and friends started to head off, Changmin found himself with Sooyoung, and that gaping chasm opened up again.
The words echoed in his head - that she didn’t like this feeling, this intense feelings of togetherness. And as much as she apparently didn’t like it - Changmin felt it strongly too. The feeling of warmth that blossomed somewhere near the centre of his chest when she looked at him, the small rush that he got when she squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back. He wondered what it was like for Sooyoung - was it that this incredible attraction and electric thrill was frighteningly lovely? Was it possible to be fearful that something is too good?
It seemed that they would have all there important conversations in the cold. Changmin asked her - how did she feel when they held hands? It was a cute question.
She listed words - warm, comforted, secure.
Loved.
Yeah, that too.
They sat there together until the bus came, and Sooyoung stepped away, and Changmin watched as she found a window seat as the bus rolled away, and she didn’t look back at him.
The next semester had a difficult start. Sooyoung’s first instinct upon seeing Changmin at the campus food court was to step behind a pillar so that he wouldn’t spot her as he contemplated his pasta choices. She felt silly. They were dating. They were meant to be honest with each other. So she took another breath and walked up to him, and sank into his embrace. They got lunch together, and it felt normal again for a moment. Towards the end of her vermicelli salad though, Changmin asked her how she felt about where they were at. They were both starting to notice their drift, and the fog between them.
Sooyoung gave him the answer the next day as the sun was starting dip a little, and they lay together on a grassy hill overlooking the university sports field. Their faces were close, and she could feel his hand lazily on her waist, while she drummed her fingers on his chest. Surely it would be okay if they could just continue to enjoy each other in this certain capacity. Just because she was a little afraid of how much she felt didn’t mean that they should stop entirely.
Some good things are meant to be frightening.
They kissed deeply, and held each other longer. On the way to the main campus bus stop, they found grass stains on Changmin’s chinos.
Ten weeks later, Sooyoung found that most of their on campus dates had become study dates. They fell into that routine by accident, lured in by the quiet comfort of reading, highlighting, and typing with a loved one by their side. On the particularly cold and dreary days, Sooyoung would buy coffees for the both of them, and relish the affectionate kiss on the cheek received as thanks. On one of those days, Changmin kissed her and then mentioned that he’d be graduating soon. Sooyoung told him to stop making her feel so old.
Changmin dropped the topic, and didn’t say anything later that week, when he started sending in his clerkship applications.
After exams, Changmin started cancelling dates they had plans for as he got interview invites back. Sooyoung shrugged most of these disappointments off - she was mature enough to understand. They were small sacrifices to make for his future.
A few weeks later, they celebrated when he received two offers and had a fiery discussion over Thai about which one to accept. They both felt a little elated, a bit over the moon - that all this success felt a little too good to be true, and in those moments, how could anybody feel anything else apart from happiness?
How quickly good things could go away.
That started happening a month or so later, when Changmin started work. He had tried his best to spell out what was going to happen - that no matter what, he was going to let her down. They weren’t going to see each other nearly as much. She wouldn’t be able to reach him all the time, or at least he wouldn’t be able to get back to her as quickly. Things were going to change - regardless of how prepared they were for it.
Sooyoung heard all of this but the panic didn’t rise up until later. In the moment, she nodded and reassured him, that she’d figure it out. That she understood. And meanwhile, inside, there was a bubbling, boiling feeling of panic that maybe she wouldn’t be able to handle it. That she wasn’t at all prepared for what was going to happen.
But she ignored that feeling, and she kept reciting that reassurance: it was all going to be okay. It wouldn’t be that bad. And frankly, Changmin didn’t know how bad or good it was going to be. Maybe they’d make it through. He appreciated that Sooyoung was supportive and optimistic - he agreed that it was what they needed to feel. Deeper, darker, more worrisome thoughts weren’t productive or constructive. He was a believer in focusing on what you had control of.
A month into it, Changmin had thought they had made an admirable attempt, but what he couldn’t see so clearly was Sooyoung’s inexplicable pain and longing.
And so as far as Changmin could see, when Sooyoung thought they should ease off, it was out of the blue.
That was why when New Year’s Eve came, and Changmin didn’t arrive at the venue with Sooyoung, and instead shuffled through the barricades with his old group of friends, all the time wondering if Sooyoung was there, and if so, where? Would he see her that night? His group waded through the crowds, past sniffer dogs and security guards and pushed their way towards the front of the mosh. It was for the most part, a good time. He’s never disliked a rave. The music and the energy always gave him the same endorphin rush. But it felt decidedly less vivid and thrilling for that particular reason, being Sooyoung’s immediate absence.
And three hours later, with faces flooded with multicoloured lights, Changmin kissed her forehead, and let her go.
A/N: I admit that this is not my best work - but I'm happy with it to the extent that I felt like I delivered my understanding of this relationship as it existed in my head faithfully.