Holiday Seasons
December 26, 2012
It's not a typical holiday season this year, I put up 2 trees but none at my own house. I bought gifts for 1 person (mom) and sent out 1 Christmas card (Aunt "Sarah" who I haven't seen or spoken to in years). Sevin's at home and I'm at Mom's helping her with Matt so that he can spend some holiday time with the family. Kari's in Florida and Traci's in Iowa. I haven't been able to get in contact with June Your but I do intend to go find him once I dig myself out of this town (we're supposed to get hit with some pretty heavy snow later tonight into tomorrow).
I'm not complaining so if my words seem harsh or critical it's probably just my sardony slipping out a bit. I stay busy and I go to bed feeling tired but pretty fulfilled. I refuse to spend my time being angry (for long anyway) or with regrets. I know that I'm entirely responsible for my own outlook and that if I'm not happy with what's going on in my life, it's up to me to change the "scene". Isn't that right or ... is that just a bunch of psycho-babble... shit that I've made up to myself feel good? Well, regardless, it's worked okay for the last 52 years anyway. Although I do have to admit, I feel I've been blessed in life; surrounded by good family (mostly), good health (mostly), and a good existence (mostly). ...and then again, I wonder... am I blessed because I recognize my blessings? Am I blessed merely because I feel blessed? For the most part, I think that is the case. "It's not what happens to you that matters but how you react to it that's important?" Easy for me (who's been relatively blessed) to say, isn't it? Ha!
I put on the holiday meal yesterday for my 2 brothers who are disabled, my "normal" and oh-so-loving sister and my madre. My twin brother (who had dealings with his wife and her family to contend with) was the only sib missing in our little group. My nephew and his 2 darling children came for a bit too, his wife got a job in a group home so you know where she's been spending her weekends and holidays lately. I decided, this year, to make things "easy" on myself and had mamma (who's been sponsoring our family get togethers in exchange for my labor) purchase pre-made hors d'oeuvres etc. I made a taco dip and Leigh brought a couple of pies. It was a bit of work but still, it wasn't as exhausting as Thanksgiving was. Mamma, while very grateful, tends to be quite self-centered in her infirmity. I sometimes feel like she thinks I'm being self-centered or greedy or sneaky even in my attempts to keep her involved! I help her to pay her bills, I suggest donations to certain charities, I'm the ONLY one who ever helps her purchase birthday or Christmas gifts for her children or her relatives, I buy a lot of her groceries and I request her financial assistance from time to time, for Ganga and Matzuball (her 2 oldest sons FCS!), who recieve a lot of help, financially and otherwise from me! (...however, just as I wrote this she kissed me goodnight and said, "I'm so glad that you come over here and help me out!" Awww! Mamma I love you!!) Maybe it's just my own guilt? (Guilt over what???? Guilt over being a good daughter and helping her out?? Oh, she has taught us so well and she's not even Jewish!) The meal was good, there was enough to go around and there were no children who took 5 pounds of 1 item leaving none of it for the rest of us. I had to protect Ganga from Sevin the SOB's verbal beatings which pissed me off. (I have EVERY intention of bringing this absolute ridiculous behavior to his attention when I get home and he IS going to listen to me and he IS going to quit picking on the disabled guy because I am totally sick of it.) I don't get it. I don't pick on his family, how does he figure it's okay for him to pick on mine? That's what I plan to ask him. What is it with this anger? I had to stop him from going ballistic on his mom Christmas Eve. WTF is that about? I think sometimes that it might be a build up of testosterone the kind he never lets lose of all over my back thanks a lot. Our sex life OR should I say our LACK OF sex life is another bone of contention for me. He gets so mad about his mom being selfish and fake. Oh yeah? Oh man! How about a little bit of self-reflection here, dude?
Today I spent feeding, medicating and cleaning up after Mom & Matzuball. I have run my ass off (well, except for that it's still there). I do love my mother but you spend 3 days with the distraction!! (She's like a 3 year old sometimes everytime she hears a little noise she has to turn and look at what it is making the noise. She forgets what she was doing then and has to be reminded or she wanders off to some other start of an activity... YOU spend 3 days with the same question over and over and over again, or the same statement again and again and again. "Yes mother, THAT WAS NICE of Brent to call you to wish you a Merry Christmas today!" for the 9 hundreth time. While I'm trying to fix breakfast I have Matzuball asking for "chocolate milk" and mom asking, "did I take my pills?" I have been busy!! All day long! GCCMH, you wonder WHY I'd like a little more than 10 hours of supports a day for my brother? Shame on you!
Oh yeah, and of course, my holidays would not be complete without making mention of my sick niece who has "de-friended" me on FB (but I can still check out her silly, clueless postings via other people's pages!! Hahahahaha!) because.... hmmmm I wonder why she wants nothing to do with me? Hmmmm I wasn't mean to her, no, I don't think she could claim that. Hmmmmm why would a lovely niece (who said that she loved me for years) suddenly decide that she didn't want me to call or text her?? Let's see... did I express my opinion and it upset her? Hmmmmm, nope, I don't think that's what happened. I think she's mad because I wanted to hear the truth and the truth is just way too hard for her to look at right now. It might be too hard for her to look at for the rest of her life. That would be a dog gone shame. I saw a picture of her on Leighbeigh's camera. She's still (mis)using. Nice life you've dug for yourself there, Missy. Keep running away from the truth and see where it gets you! What a shame. TTFN
It's not a typical holiday season this year, I put up 2 trees but none at my own house. I bought gifts for 1 person (mom) and sent out 1 Christmas card (Aunt "Sarah" who I haven't seen or spoken to in years). Sevin's at home and I'm at Mom's helping her with Matt so that he can spend some holiday time with the family. Kari's in Florida and Traci's in Iowa. I haven't been able to get in contact with June Your but I do intend to go find him once I dig myself out of this town (we're supposed to get hit with some pretty heavy snow later tonight into tomorrow).
I'm not complaining so if my words seem harsh or critical it's probably just my sardony slipping out a bit. I stay busy and I go to bed feeling tired but pretty fulfilled. I refuse to spend my time being angry (for long anyway) or with regrets. I know that I'm entirely responsible for my own outlook and that if I'm not happy with what's going on in my life, it's up to me to change the "scene". Isn't that right or ... is that just a bunch of psycho-babble... shit that I've made up to myself feel good? Well, regardless, it's worked okay for the last 52 years anyway. Although I do have to admit, I feel I've been blessed in life; surrounded by good family (mostly), good health (mostly), and a good existence (mostly). ...and then again, I wonder... am I blessed because I recognize my blessings? Am I blessed merely because I feel blessed? For the most part, I think that is the case. "It's not what happens to you that matters but how you react to it that's important?" Easy for me (who's been relatively blessed) to say, isn't it? Ha!
I put on the holiday meal yesterday for my 2 brothers who are disabled, my "normal" and oh-so-loving sister and my madre. My twin brother (who had dealings with his wife and her family to contend with) was the only sib missing in our little group. My nephew and his 2 darling children came for a bit too, his wife got a job in a group home so you know where she's been spending her weekends and holidays lately. I decided, this year, to make things "easy" on myself and had mamma (who's been sponsoring our family get togethers in exchange for my labor) purchase pre-made hors d'oeuvres etc. I made a taco dip and Leigh brought a couple of pies. It was a bit of work but still, it wasn't as exhausting as Thanksgiving was. Mamma, while very grateful, tends to be quite self-centered in her infirmity. I sometimes feel like she thinks I'm being self-centered or greedy or sneaky even in my attempts to keep her involved! I help her to pay her bills, I suggest donations to certain charities, I'm the ONLY one who ever helps her purchase birthday or Christmas gifts for her children or her relatives, I buy a lot of her groceries and I request her financial assistance from time to time, for Ganga and Matzuball (her 2 oldest sons FCS!), who recieve a lot of help, financially and otherwise from me! (...however, just as I wrote this she kissed me goodnight and said, "I'm so glad that you come over here and help me out!" Awww! Mamma I love you!!) Maybe it's just my own guilt? (Guilt over what???? Guilt over being a good daughter and helping her out?? Oh, she has taught us so well and she's not even Jewish!) The meal was good, there was enough to go around and there were no children who took 5 pounds of 1 item leaving none of it for the rest of us. I had to protect Ganga from Sevin the SOB's verbal beatings which pissed me off. (I have EVERY intention of bringing this absolute ridiculous behavior to his attention when I get home and he IS going to listen to me and he IS going to quit picking on the disabled guy because I am totally sick of it.) I don't get it. I don't pick on his family, how does he figure it's okay for him to pick on mine? That's what I plan to ask him. What is it with this anger? I had to stop him from going ballistic on his mom Christmas Eve. WTF is that about? I think sometimes that it might be a build up of testosterone the kind he never lets lose of all over my back thanks a lot. Our sex life OR should I say our LACK OF sex life is another bone of contention for me. He gets so mad about his mom being selfish and fake. Oh yeah? Oh man! How about a little bit of self-reflection here, dude?
Today I spent feeding, medicating and cleaning up after Mom & Matzuball. I have run my ass off (well, except for that it's still there). I do love my mother but you spend 3 days with the distraction!! (She's like a 3 year old sometimes everytime she hears a little noise she has to turn and look at what it is making the noise. She forgets what she was doing then and has to be reminded or she wanders off to some other start of an activity... YOU spend 3 days with the same question over and over and over again, or the same statement again and again and again. "Yes mother, THAT WAS NICE of Brent to call you to wish you a Merry Christmas today!" for the 9 hundreth time. While I'm trying to fix breakfast I have Matzuball asking for "chocolate milk" and mom asking, "did I take my pills?" I have been busy!! All day long! GCCMH, you wonder WHY I'd like a little more than 10 hours of supports a day for my brother? Shame on you!
Oh yeah, and of course, my holidays would not be complete without making mention of my sick niece who has "de-friended" me on FB (but I can still check out her silly, clueless postings via other people's pages!! Hahahahaha!) because.... hmmmm I wonder why she wants nothing to do with me? Hmmmm I wasn't mean to her, no, I don't think she could claim that. Hmmmmm why would a lovely niece (who said that she loved me for years) suddenly decide that she didn't want me to call or text her?? Let's see... did I express my opinion and it upset her? Hmmmmm, nope, I don't think that's what happened. I think she's mad because I wanted to hear the truth and the truth is just way too hard for her to look at right now. It might be too hard for her to look at for the rest of her life. That would be a dog gone shame. I saw a picture of her on Leighbeigh's camera. She's still (mis)using. Nice life you've dug for yourself there, Missy. Keep running away from the truth and see where it gets you! What a shame. TTFN