never the first choice
sometimes, i get into this depressive state out of nowhere and just thought of how poor and sad i am.
don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad going on with my life right now but nothing's really that great either.
i'm just... you know... normal:))) like my job is not the one i get paid a lot, and i haven't really been doing a lot of work,
and then i do things that other people received a lot of pay for.... i do it just for free. lol
it's because i'm not comfortable asking people, especially close friends and family, for payment.
and they don't really think of paying me, like they think thank you it's enough.:))) oh yes, i don't accept payment but don't you think getting a little bit of credit or at least a reward is nice? XD;;
anyways, why did i said depressive state.. i just get sad all of a sudden. and think wow no one loves me.
which isn't true because i have friends and family and my dog:))) and this isn't also about having a significant other.
it was my choice not to have one lol
but sometimes you wish that there was someone to actually think of you first before anything else. like you're the top priority.
i won't be able to get that from my family and friends of course because they have their own lives.
maybe i got that feeling from my dog because he loves me too much i can sense that hahaha
but y'know someone to actually think about your happiness as the top priority and you get to do the same, too.
the problem with me is that i want that, but when i have someone like that, i get uncomfortable too
i love having my own time, and it usually stretch for days that i don't want to talk to anyone except for important matters :))
so i don't like having someone who wants to talk to me or see me all the time XD
and people around me don't understand that. they think it is important to date & get married.
like earlier, i talked to my former boss, and he told me i should get married and keep on asking me how old i was.
i can't even tell them that i really don't want to think about that or i really don't want that.
also my mother and aunt has been joking around, my mother was telling me that my aunt was stupid for rejecting her suitor, that's why she wasn't able to get married and she lives with us. and maybe i'm too sensitive but i answered her that if that's stupidity then i'm stupid too because i did the same with the guy i used to date before??
i can't tell anyone these things so i'm writing it here. i don't have anyone to tell these petty(?) things about.
i can't even tweet this since my family (mother and siblings) and irl friends are all following me on twitter.
i can't even tell them personally that i'm upset with those kind of comments, well i've shown them how upset i was because i answered back and then get quiet after it. but my mother acts like i was the one at fault? like i don't have the right to be upset about it?
is it actually wrong to be upset? was i just too sensitive?
i don't know. i'm really hurt. like also one of the reasons why i don't want to date and get married is to actually just stay at home and take care of them. i don't know anymore. like all my decisions up to now have been wrong when i was just following what i feel at that time.
don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad going on with my life right now but nothing's really that great either.
i'm just... you know... normal:))) like my job is not the one i get paid a lot, and i haven't really been doing a lot of work,
and then i do things that other people received a lot of pay for.... i do it just for free. lol
it's because i'm not comfortable asking people, especially close friends and family, for payment.
and they don't really think of paying me, like they think thank you it's enough.:))) oh yes, i don't accept payment but don't you think getting a little bit of credit or at least a reward is nice? XD;;
anyways, why did i said depressive state.. i just get sad all of a sudden. and think wow no one loves me.
which isn't true because i have friends and family and my dog:))) and this isn't also about having a significant other.
it was my choice not to have one lol
but sometimes you wish that there was someone to actually think of you first before anything else. like you're the top priority.
i won't be able to get that from my family and friends of course because they have their own lives.
maybe i got that feeling from my dog because he loves me too much i can sense that hahaha
but y'know someone to actually think about your happiness as the top priority and you get to do the same, too.
the problem with me is that i want that, but when i have someone like that, i get uncomfortable too
i love having my own time, and it usually stretch for days that i don't want to talk to anyone except for important matters :))
so i don't like having someone who wants to talk to me or see me all the time XD
and people around me don't understand that. they think it is important to date & get married.
like earlier, i talked to my former boss, and he told me i should get married and keep on asking me how old i was.
i can't even tell them that i really don't want to think about that or i really don't want that.
also my mother and aunt has been joking around, my mother was telling me that my aunt was stupid for rejecting her suitor, that's why she wasn't able to get married and she lives with us. and maybe i'm too sensitive but i answered her that if that's stupidity then i'm stupid too because i did the same with the guy i used to date before??
i can't tell anyone these things so i'm writing it here. i don't have anyone to tell these petty(?) things about.
i can't even tweet this since my family (mother and siblings) and irl friends are all following me on twitter.
i can't even tell them personally that i'm upset with those kind of comments, well i've shown them how upset i was because i answered back and then get quiet after it. but my mother acts like i was the one at fault? like i don't have the right to be upset about it?
is it actually wrong to be upset? was i just too sensitive?
i don't know. i'm really hurt. like also one of the reasons why i don't want to date and get married is to actually just stay at home and take care of them. i don't know anymore. like all my decisions up to now have been wrong when i was just following what i feel at that time.