why i love kihae (an incoherent essay)
(01) So...not so much on trusting New Zealand sites anymore. The host site for my travel blog has apparently been suspended? I think I may have lost all of my 35 posts...those insightful, thoughtful posts! Some with pictures even. :( ETA: Blog back up! Thank goodness, NZ.
(02) In other news: I have a recs journal! compartmental for my personal biased recs of fic, songs, books, dramas, etc. Updated whenever I feel like reccing. (Though I suppose I should add the disclaiemr that most of the fic I'll be reccing will be, surprise surprise, Super Junior.) There are a few things up there right now and I should be adding some others fairly soon. So take a look, feel free to friend or bookmark or totally ignore at your leisure.
(Will still be posting to bulchibyung - though many of the fic recs may well just be crossposted.)
(03) So really the main thrust of this post is that I was reading an amazing fic last night, full of amazing characterization and relationship development and depth of feeling, and generally made of amazing - and in the end, I thought of this fic, and that is what broke me.
Not because the first fic wasn't amazing (it was), but because there is something particularly special about Kihae for me.
Kihae was my first ship in Suju - hell, it was the reason I first got into Suju. I watched the movie, fell in love with both Kibum and Donghae, and Kihae and - I've never really fallen out of love.
For a long period of time, my favorite wavered between Kibum and Donghae. Somewhere along the line, Leeteuk swept by and claimed number one in my heart. Oh leadersshi, I thought, who was so precious and felt so much under his happy exterior, but still so much stronger than people gave him credit for. Angel without wings. And so along with that love came my first officially labeled OTP: KangTeuk. They were so married. Everyone accepted them as fact, so everyone moved onand wrote other, more fun ships, etc.
But all along, Kihae was still up there in my heart, tying up heartstrings with Kibum's blinding white smile and Donghae's energy and adorable antics. I would still get steamrolled occasionally by how fucking hot the two of them were, together or separate.
In the past few months, maybe since last summer, I...didn't quite fall back in love with Kihae - I'd never fallen out of love. But something about them and the way they were caught my attention again. Kibum's arms of sex. Donghae in SJM. Donghae's budding arms of sex. Kibum being mysteriously absent and beautiful. Donghae stole number one back in my heart and looks like he'll never be dislodged. I'm okay with that. ♥
Maybe it's weird to ship RPS like this (I never thought I would). To me, though, it's not quite so much the creepy belief that I really think Kibum and Donghae are meant to be forever and ever, irl, etc. It's just something about the person Kibum is and the person that Donghae is...and how, in my head, in my fiction, in my fandom, those two people and personalities go together so well that I can't fall out of love with them.
So there's a firm distinction in my mind between RL and fandom. RL gives me two awesome and very attractive guys who make me smile and whom I adore a lot. Take those two as personalities in fandom, fictionalizing them as who they are but knowingly putting them into a fantasy - in that fantasy, they are perfect for each other (for me).
It's...the dynamic. It's that Kibum's quiet and non-hysterical. It's that he tends to be more closed off and not so openly accessible to other people or their feelings. He doesn't dislike other people; he just doesn't get close to them easily. He has a small group of close friends and that's enough for him, because he doesn't need more. He smiles, beautiful, but he hides behind it sometimes, holding a distance between himself and a lot of the other members. He prefers solo activities, acting and reading and playing computer games. He doesn't really welcome the loud, raucous crowd, even if he cares for them all in his own way. He's mature for his age, not so rowdy, even though he still knows how to tease and play. He just knows what he wants.
It's that Donghae is nearly his polar opposite - childish, childlike, innocent and playful. He loves everyone loudly, fiercely, with so little reserve. He's emotional. He's dependent on people like Heechul, Leeteuk. He cries and laughs with everything he is, feeling all the time, holding nothing back. He hurts easily, bounces back easily, is strong in his dependency and attachment on others because he lets them help him when he needs. He gets lonely easily and needs a lot of affection and attention. He has his own brand of maturity and knowledge, some brought on by hard struggles as a trainee, too much brought on by losing his father - but he doesn't close himself off. He needs people and loves people unabashedly.
There is something just so precious to me about the way Kihae would work, because Kibum would have always been fond of Donghae, sure, but to realize that he's somehow crept into Kibum's heart...to realize that maybe, maybe this is more, and it's terrifying, because does Kibum even want the chaos Donghae would bring to his life?
And yet...maybe part of him has always longed for that, been envious of Donghae's ability to live so carefreely, to laugh and be spontaneous and feel so much. Every day. And it would be terrifying but it would be worth it and when Kibum finally, slowly, accepted Donghae's presence in his life and his heart, it will mean giving up a part of himself. Letting go of some of the fear, of the tendency to clutch at order and solitude.
And Donghae. Donghae could love anyone. He could. This is why I can ship him with practically anyone. But I ship Kihae most because the idea of Donghae returning Kibum's tentative, uncertain, but growing feelings just makes me so happy. Because Donghae can make Kibum laugh, and Kibum would keep him in line and be the sober balance to Donghae's tendency to go overboard. Kibum would be his anchor, and, god and this is why I love them..
They would be opposites, but they would balance each other out. They would have enough things in common to make it work. I don't believe in a totally childish, flaily, naive Donghae characterization because that isn't him. He would be know enough to value compromise and they could make it work, because it matters enough.
But yet they would have so many issues, because they wouldn't understand each other at first, and they would fight and break up and be apart before realizing, no. It doesn't work like this. He's too important to me. Somehow I believe, if they ever got together, they would come back to each other, no matter what happened to break them up or push them away from each other.
But there's also so much possibility that they won't ever get together initially because Kibum is reserved and Donghae loves everyone. And everyone loves him too, to some degree. And Kibum may never say a word, or Donghae may never realize his own feelings, or something would happen like what I wrote in that fic once where - they just miss each other. Because Donghae falls out of love, because he can't sustain it without reciprocation, when he has so many others clamoring for his love and attention - and Kibum would never quite get over it. Never quite dare to say the words. But he would move on, find someone else, because he wouldn't want to step in and ruin things for Donghae now when he believes it's too late and there's no chance.
Just. Everything about them, whether they work out or not, they break my heart into pieces and put it back together again and oh I love them, I do. I love this dynamic. It's not that it's Donghae and Kibum specifically, it's this character-type that Donghae is and the character-type that Kibum is and how together they would work (or not work) and this is the kind of love story that undoes me totally.
So it's not so much the RL factor. It's that they, as a fandom pairing, speak most to my heart. It's not the "married" bit KangTeuk's got going on for me (and irl they are so important to each other it's not even funny), or the "fated" bit ShiHan's got going on. The only thing that even comess close to this dynamic for me is HanChul and the amazing epic BFFery that goes beyond even just being best friends. But that also is because Heechul is so very amazing and I love him and and and it's not quite the same because I adore HanChul's friendship above all else, including any romantic shipping between the two.
I guess the next closest thing to Kihae for me is Qmi, which is almost a variation of the Kihae dynamic for me and probably explains why it stole my heart forever (though not quite the same way, because I don't think Kyuhyun is nearly as closed off as Kibum is). Also, well, all the ridiculous Qmi pics in China fed the fangirling - but it was the dynamic that kept it in my top pairings.
But Kihae.
It's this kind of dynamic that breaks me irl too, in original novels, in tv shows, movies, other fandoms, whatever. It's what they have, the needing each other, the wanting, the letting go, the - everything. I'm so incoherent and this sounds crazy, I know, but please trust me that this is not about the RPS as much as it is about the way the dynamic works. For me, this is what breaks my heart every time, even when they get together. This is why Kihae is my...I won't use OTP because I don't really ship one "true" pairing in this fandom, lol. But they're my favorite and my best in this fandom, with none other to compare. This is why.
There's just that something about them.
(On a less seroius note: also because to me THEY ARE BOTH RIDICULOUSLY HOT. They would have such a steamingly hot sex life, are you kidding me? There is no other pairing this hot in SJ in my totally biased opinion laksdjfldsk.)
CRYING SO THIS IS LIKE A THREE PAGE ESSAY ON WHY MEI IS CRAZY (FOR KIHAE). Oh god, I never wanted to be this kind of fangirl alksdjfld. I promise, promise, I'm not really. It's not so much them that makes me love them (though...in a way it is), it's just the way their love story would work.
OTL Please let me know if you see the distinction I'm trying to make. In this incoherent rambling.
(02) In other news: I have a recs journal! compartmental for my personal biased recs of fic, songs, books, dramas, etc. Updated whenever I feel like reccing. (Though I suppose I should add the disclaiemr that most of the fic I'll be reccing will be, surprise surprise, Super Junior.) There are a few things up there right now and I should be adding some others fairly soon. So take a look, feel free to friend or bookmark or totally ignore at your leisure.
(Will still be posting to bulchibyung - though many of the fic recs may well just be crossposted.)
(03) So really the main thrust of this post is that I was reading an amazing fic last night, full of amazing characterization and relationship development and depth of feeling, and generally made of amazing - and in the end, I thought of this fic, and that is what broke me.
Not because the first fic wasn't amazing (it was), but because there is something particularly special about Kihae for me.
Kihae was my first ship in Suju - hell, it was the reason I first got into Suju. I watched the movie, fell in love with both Kibum and Donghae, and Kihae and - I've never really fallen out of love.
For a long period of time, my favorite wavered between Kibum and Donghae. Somewhere along the line, Leeteuk swept by and claimed number one in my heart. Oh leadersshi, I thought, who was so precious and felt so much under his happy exterior, but still so much stronger than people gave him credit for. Angel without wings. And so along with that love came my first officially labeled OTP: KangTeuk. They were so married. Everyone accepted them as fact, so everyone moved onand wrote other, more fun ships, etc.
But all along, Kihae was still up there in my heart, tying up heartstrings with Kibum's blinding white smile and Donghae's energy and adorable antics. I would still get steamrolled occasionally by how fucking hot the two of them were, together or separate.
In the past few months, maybe since last summer, I...didn't quite fall back in love with Kihae - I'd never fallen out of love. But something about them and the way they were caught my attention again. Kibum's arms of sex. Donghae in SJM. Donghae's budding arms of sex. Kibum being mysteriously absent and beautiful. Donghae stole number one back in my heart and looks like he'll never be dislodged. I'm okay with that. ♥
Maybe it's weird to ship RPS like this (I never thought I would). To me, though, it's not quite so much the creepy belief that I really think Kibum and Donghae are meant to be forever and ever, irl, etc. It's just something about the person Kibum is and the person that Donghae is...and how, in my head, in my fiction, in my fandom, those two people and personalities go together so well that I can't fall out of love with them.
So there's a firm distinction in my mind between RL and fandom. RL gives me two awesome and very attractive guys who make me smile and whom I adore a lot. Take those two as personalities in fandom, fictionalizing them as who they are but knowingly putting them into a fantasy - in that fantasy, they are perfect for each other (for me).
It's...the dynamic. It's that Kibum's quiet and non-hysterical. It's that he tends to be more closed off and not so openly accessible to other people or their feelings. He doesn't dislike other people; he just doesn't get close to them easily. He has a small group of close friends and that's enough for him, because he doesn't need more. He smiles, beautiful, but he hides behind it sometimes, holding a distance between himself and a lot of the other members. He prefers solo activities, acting and reading and playing computer games. He doesn't really welcome the loud, raucous crowd, even if he cares for them all in his own way. He's mature for his age, not so rowdy, even though he still knows how to tease and play. He just knows what he wants.
It's that Donghae is nearly his polar opposite - childish, childlike, innocent and playful. He loves everyone loudly, fiercely, with so little reserve. He's emotional. He's dependent on people like Heechul, Leeteuk. He cries and laughs with everything he is, feeling all the time, holding nothing back. He hurts easily, bounces back easily, is strong in his dependency and attachment on others because he lets them help him when he needs. He gets lonely easily and needs a lot of affection and attention. He has his own brand of maturity and knowledge, some brought on by hard struggles as a trainee, too much brought on by losing his father - but he doesn't close himself off. He needs people and loves people unabashedly.
There is something just so precious to me about the way Kihae would work, because Kibum would have always been fond of Donghae, sure, but to realize that he's somehow crept into Kibum's heart...to realize that maybe, maybe this is more, and it's terrifying, because does Kibum even want the chaos Donghae would bring to his life?
And yet...maybe part of him has always longed for that, been envious of Donghae's ability to live so carefreely, to laugh and be spontaneous and feel so much. Every day. And it would be terrifying but it would be worth it and when Kibum finally, slowly, accepted Donghae's presence in his life and his heart, it will mean giving up a part of himself. Letting go of some of the fear, of the tendency to clutch at order and solitude.
And Donghae. Donghae could love anyone. He could. This is why I can ship him with practically anyone. But I ship Kihae most because the idea of Donghae returning Kibum's tentative, uncertain, but growing feelings just makes me so happy. Because Donghae can make Kibum laugh, and Kibum would keep him in line and be the sober balance to Donghae's tendency to go overboard. Kibum would be his anchor, and, god and this is why I love them..
They would be opposites, but they would balance each other out. They would have enough things in common to make it work. I don't believe in a totally childish, flaily, naive Donghae characterization because that isn't him. He would be know enough to value compromise and they could make it work, because it matters enough.
But yet they would have so many issues, because they wouldn't understand each other at first, and they would fight and break up and be apart before realizing, no. It doesn't work like this. He's too important to me. Somehow I believe, if they ever got together, they would come back to each other, no matter what happened to break them up or push them away from each other.
But there's also so much possibility that they won't ever get together initially because Kibum is reserved and Donghae loves everyone. And everyone loves him too, to some degree. And Kibum may never say a word, or Donghae may never realize his own feelings, or something would happen like what I wrote in that fic once where - they just miss each other. Because Donghae falls out of love, because he can't sustain it without reciprocation, when he has so many others clamoring for his love and attention - and Kibum would never quite get over it. Never quite dare to say the words. But he would move on, find someone else, because he wouldn't want to step in and ruin things for Donghae now when he believes it's too late and there's no chance.
Just. Everything about them, whether they work out or not, they break my heart into pieces and put it back together again and oh I love them, I do. I love this dynamic. It's not that it's Donghae and Kibum specifically, it's this character-type that Donghae is and the character-type that Kibum is and how together they would work (or not work) and this is the kind of love story that undoes me totally.
So it's not so much the RL factor. It's that they, as a fandom pairing, speak most to my heart. It's not the "married" bit KangTeuk's got going on for me (and irl they are so important to each other it's not even funny), or the "fated" bit ShiHan's got going on. The only thing that even comess close to this dynamic for me is HanChul and the amazing epic BFFery that goes beyond even just being best friends. But that also is because Heechul is so very amazing and I love him and and and it's not quite the same because I adore HanChul's friendship above all else, including any romantic shipping between the two.
I guess the next closest thing to Kihae for me is Qmi, which is almost a variation of the Kihae dynamic for me and probably explains why it stole my heart forever (though not quite the same way, because I don't think Kyuhyun is nearly as closed off as Kibum is). Also, well, all the ridiculous Qmi pics in China fed the fangirling - but it was the dynamic that kept it in my top pairings.
But Kihae.
It's this kind of dynamic that breaks me irl too, in original novels, in tv shows, movies, other fandoms, whatever. It's what they have, the needing each other, the wanting, the letting go, the - everything. I'm so incoherent and this sounds crazy, I know, but please trust me that this is not about the RPS as much as it is about the way the dynamic works. For me, this is what breaks my heart every time, even when they get together. This is why Kihae is my...I won't use OTP because I don't really ship one "true" pairing in this fandom, lol. But they're my favorite and my best in this fandom, with none other to compare. This is why.
There's just that something about them.
(On a less seroius note: also because to me THEY ARE BOTH RIDICULOUSLY HOT. They would have such a steamingly hot sex life, are you kidding me? There is no other pairing this hot in SJ in my totally biased opinion laksdjfldsk.)
CRYING SO THIS IS LIKE A THREE PAGE ESSAY ON WHY MEI IS CRAZY (FOR KIHAE). Oh god, I never wanted to be this kind of fangirl alksdjfld. I promise, promise, I'm not really. It's not so much them that makes me love them (though...in a way it is), it's just the way their love story would work.
OTL Please let me know if you see the distinction I'm trying to make. In this incoherent rambling.