Just A Simple Highschool Fuck: Help help?
Helloo! No, I'm not here to start posting my stories, though I do have something to post. You all remember that I talked about 'Just A Simple Highschool Fuck', right? Well, when I tried to write it it turned out something like this. So read this, think of it as a prologue and then read my questions? ^^" i really need your help with this you guys!
The toilets were almost always empty. Guys avoided going in. It was a shattered space with some broken locks and toilet paper flushed down until water rose back up and no one could use it anymore. Guys still did though, hence the smell.
But Jaejoong still went in, just because. Because no one else did, because you just didn’t. So he did. He pushed the door open with his elbow since he didn’t want to touch the vile thing with his hands. He never dirtied his hands; he used them too much to get them dirty. When Jaejoong was broke he dipped them in alcohol and sucked on them, just to feel it without wasting his wallet. Sometimes it was the disinfection in the bathroom-it didn’t really matter.
What mattered though, what saved him, was the fact that there, he couldn’t see. Jaejoong didn’t see himself; he saw his shoes and he saw his hands, the bitten down nails during his panic attacks and the angry red tracks over his wrists that were fading. But he couldn’t see the face he hated. It wasn’t even a face: it was a mask. His face was some battered pulp underneath his skin because that one was too sick to get to know. Hidden was its place.
He frowned.
The hell.
It was clean. Someone had despite the disgusting environment gone into the bathroom and cleared the mirror. No no, no! He saw the slight panic in his own eyes, the lips too plump for a guy and the skin too soft to match his mask.
His hand shot out next to the mirror, filling up his palm with soap and rubbed the slippery liquid all over the mirror. He didn’t want to see. Fuck it. He wasn’t even there.
It slid down his hands, past his battered wrists and into his shirt, soaking at his elbows and forming a puddle of his release, his anger, his mask. Jaejoong rubbed his fingers in the white apple soap and made sure to cover every last centimetre of reflection before he stepped back and relaxed. His breathing went back to normal and he turned on the sink to wash away the soap from his hands and arms.
Lastly he dragged out all the paper towels of their holder, throwing them on the floor and stomping on them. In the beginning people had just grabbed one and wiped a good enough space on the mirror to at least see their hair or teeth, but Jaejoong had learned over the months.
His fingers went to his pants to unbutton them and hurriedly peed the towels into a yellowy soaking mess by the trash. No one was going to clean this up. Not this time either.
Fuck he hated this.
------------------------------------------
“We’re getting very tired of you, Mr. Kim.” The principal was fat and bald, just like all the average Asian men he knew. The one who called after him with chubby fingers filled with green. He wanted the bills, but he’d never. Not even his mask. “You peed on the floor, you destroy school’s property. We’ve sent you to counselling, which you refuse to go to. We’ve talked to your parents; we’ve done about all that we can do. Why do you keep making this worse for yourself?”
“… I didn’t mean to.” He stared off through the window, at the other kids laying on the grass or smoking behind the gymnastic house. At the racks of bikes he wanted to destroy just because he didn’t own one. The girls he didn’t like because they got away with everything he wanted so easily. The boys whose lockers he had trashed because they had taken a shovel and buried their way past his mask and made him throw up the moment he got home because it just wasn’t right. What they made him think was as sick as fantasising about your own father, or killing a kitten.
He never meant to hurt, never wanted to be mean toward others. He was just trying to cope with himself. The man behind the mask made it so hard to be okay…
His eyes lost focus and he caught his own face in the window, staring so blankly back into his eyes like a baby bird who didn’t know how to use his wings just yet. He looked away and down in his lap instead, played with his nails and nervously rubbed at his fingers smelling of disinfection and soap.
The principal took his place behind the desk again, rubbing at his eyes with short fingers.
“What do you suggest we do, Mr. Kim? Anything you feel could help you?” Jaejoong shook his head and licked his quiet mouth. How the hell would he know? If he knew, wouldn’t he have fixed it by himself already? He barely heard the dismissal and he rose and walked out, softly shutting the door behind him. He wasn’t angry right now, just slightly hungry. He had missed the test, all for good anyway. He felt like an idiot in that class. He just didn’t get math. He hated that teacher, hated him: why couldn’t he teach him the numbers better? Then he wouldn’t have to skip and he could go to class and do the tests like everyone else.
It angered him and he walked quicker down the stairs, feeling the slight bulge in his pocket burn into his leg with its presence. He stuck his hand down and felt the pocket-knife in his jeans. He grabbed a sweaty hold of it, still in his pants, and went to the parking lot. The last students had gone in to eat lunch so it was quiet. It made him more excited when he could vent in peace. Maybe go a few more days without another encounter with the principal.
He took a few last steps and ducked behind the black vehicle. Jaejoong pulled his hand out and flicked the blade out of the holder. He grazed it carefully with his thumb to make sure it was sharp enough to use, otherwise he’d have to find a small rock to expertly sharpen it. This was practically his best friend. It helped him more than anyone ever had. He always carried it around like a reassurance that a quick fix was invariably tight to his skin.
The shaft sunk in nicely into the front tire, breaking the hard material until air flowed out and tipped it slightly to the side. He pulled it out and left it at that: Two stabs wasn’t worth it, he’d have to sharpen it if he wanted to use it again today.
Fucking math, fucking teacher. They made him skip. They made him into an idiot. He hated being an idiot. They stole his future. He was the only one without a future.
He remembered when he was a kid and still sitting fascinated at his desk during geography. How big the map of the world was and how many people there must be living it. That night he had gone home, he had eaten his dinner and brushed his little teeth. It was about that time when he stopped giggling at his white-chewing image and started to shy away.
When he crawled into bed he had taken out his teddy bear and asked how, with all those people, it was possible to be alone.
No, I did not use a beta for this so sorry for mistakes! I wrote this yesterday ^^"
So, I told you before that I wanted it to be pretty simple and all, right? Well, turns out it's not really... me. It's not in my right element, I don't feel any satisfaction or inspiration when I write it. AND, I feel that to make this fic more fun and yeah, like all other HS fics I'll have to change Jaejoong 180 degrees. BUT, he problem with that is that like I said, it will be like all.other.Highschool.fics...
You know how I am by now, right? I can't really write anything just for 'fun' ^^" I always like the things I write to have some kind of message or meaning, and here it will be a lot about Jaejoong healing with Yunho. Like, he IS a badboy like I first intended, only with a bit more character and reason behind him. I read a book when I was younger about some guy turning emo and blabla and it did affect me. That's what I want to write, the meaning of JJ. WHY he's like he is. Why he destroys and mocks and is like he is. Because he hates himself, because he's envious. I guess I just want to show that everything isn't like it seems. He's not destroying for others because of them, he does it because of himself. (And of course lots of yunjae lovin')
And yeah, after all that drabble my question is: Are you still interested in this?
Is this better/worse?
Do you like this change, or do you prefere me to change it around some more? Any ideas, tips etc? I need help because I really, really don't want anyone to go 'ohh... Well this was not how I imagined it.' So please, help? <3
The toilets were almost always empty. Guys avoided going in. It was a shattered space with some broken locks and toilet paper flushed down until water rose back up and no one could use it anymore. Guys still did though, hence the smell.
But Jaejoong still went in, just because. Because no one else did, because you just didn’t. So he did. He pushed the door open with his elbow since he didn’t want to touch the vile thing with his hands. He never dirtied his hands; he used them too much to get them dirty. When Jaejoong was broke he dipped them in alcohol and sucked on them, just to feel it without wasting his wallet. Sometimes it was the disinfection in the bathroom-it didn’t really matter.
What mattered though, what saved him, was the fact that there, he couldn’t see. Jaejoong didn’t see himself; he saw his shoes and he saw his hands, the bitten down nails during his panic attacks and the angry red tracks over his wrists that were fading. But he couldn’t see the face he hated. It wasn’t even a face: it was a mask. His face was some battered pulp underneath his skin because that one was too sick to get to know. Hidden was its place.
He frowned.
The hell.
It was clean. Someone had despite the disgusting environment gone into the bathroom and cleared the mirror. No no, no! He saw the slight panic in his own eyes, the lips too plump for a guy and the skin too soft to match his mask.
His hand shot out next to the mirror, filling up his palm with soap and rubbed the slippery liquid all over the mirror. He didn’t want to see. Fuck it. He wasn’t even there.
It slid down his hands, past his battered wrists and into his shirt, soaking at his elbows and forming a puddle of his release, his anger, his mask. Jaejoong rubbed his fingers in the white apple soap and made sure to cover every last centimetre of reflection before he stepped back and relaxed. His breathing went back to normal and he turned on the sink to wash away the soap from his hands and arms.
Lastly he dragged out all the paper towels of their holder, throwing them on the floor and stomping on them. In the beginning people had just grabbed one and wiped a good enough space on the mirror to at least see their hair or teeth, but Jaejoong had learned over the months.
His fingers went to his pants to unbutton them and hurriedly peed the towels into a yellowy soaking mess by the trash. No one was going to clean this up. Not this time either.
Fuck he hated this.
------------------------------------------
“We’re getting very tired of you, Mr. Kim.” The principal was fat and bald, just like all the average Asian men he knew. The one who called after him with chubby fingers filled with green. He wanted the bills, but he’d never. Not even his mask. “You peed on the floor, you destroy school’s property. We’ve sent you to counselling, which you refuse to go to. We’ve talked to your parents; we’ve done about all that we can do. Why do you keep making this worse for yourself?”
“… I didn’t mean to.” He stared off through the window, at the other kids laying on the grass or smoking behind the gymnastic house. At the racks of bikes he wanted to destroy just because he didn’t own one. The girls he didn’t like because they got away with everything he wanted so easily. The boys whose lockers he had trashed because they had taken a shovel and buried their way past his mask and made him throw up the moment he got home because it just wasn’t right. What they made him think was as sick as fantasising about your own father, or killing a kitten.
He never meant to hurt, never wanted to be mean toward others. He was just trying to cope with himself. The man behind the mask made it so hard to be okay…
His eyes lost focus and he caught his own face in the window, staring so blankly back into his eyes like a baby bird who didn’t know how to use his wings just yet. He looked away and down in his lap instead, played with his nails and nervously rubbed at his fingers smelling of disinfection and soap.
The principal took his place behind the desk again, rubbing at his eyes with short fingers.
“What do you suggest we do, Mr. Kim? Anything you feel could help you?” Jaejoong shook his head and licked his quiet mouth. How the hell would he know? If he knew, wouldn’t he have fixed it by himself already? He barely heard the dismissal and he rose and walked out, softly shutting the door behind him. He wasn’t angry right now, just slightly hungry. He had missed the test, all for good anyway. He felt like an idiot in that class. He just didn’t get math. He hated that teacher, hated him: why couldn’t he teach him the numbers better? Then he wouldn’t have to skip and he could go to class and do the tests like everyone else.
It angered him and he walked quicker down the stairs, feeling the slight bulge in his pocket burn into his leg with its presence. He stuck his hand down and felt the pocket-knife in his jeans. He grabbed a sweaty hold of it, still in his pants, and went to the parking lot. The last students had gone in to eat lunch so it was quiet. It made him more excited when he could vent in peace. Maybe go a few more days without another encounter with the principal.
He took a few last steps and ducked behind the black vehicle. Jaejoong pulled his hand out and flicked the blade out of the holder. He grazed it carefully with his thumb to make sure it was sharp enough to use, otherwise he’d have to find a small rock to expertly sharpen it. This was practically his best friend. It helped him more than anyone ever had. He always carried it around like a reassurance that a quick fix was invariably tight to his skin.
The shaft sunk in nicely into the front tire, breaking the hard material until air flowed out and tipped it slightly to the side. He pulled it out and left it at that: Two stabs wasn’t worth it, he’d have to sharpen it if he wanted to use it again today.
Fucking math, fucking teacher. They made him skip. They made him into an idiot. He hated being an idiot. They stole his future. He was the only one without a future.
He remembered when he was a kid and still sitting fascinated at his desk during geography. How big the map of the world was and how many people there must be living it. That night he had gone home, he had eaten his dinner and brushed his little teeth. It was about that time when he stopped giggling at his white-chewing image and started to shy away.
When he crawled into bed he had taken out his teddy bear and asked how, with all those people, it was possible to be alone.
No, I did not use a beta for this so sorry for mistakes! I wrote this yesterday ^^"
So, I told you before that I wanted it to be pretty simple and all, right? Well, turns out it's not really... me. It's not in my right element, I don't feel any satisfaction or inspiration when I write it. AND, I feel that to make this fic more fun and yeah, like all other HS fics I'll have to change Jaejoong 180 degrees. BUT, he problem with that is that like I said, it will be like all.other.Highschool.fics...
You know how I am by now, right? I can't really write anything just for 'fun' ^^" I always like the things I write to have some kind of message or meaning, and here it will be a lot about Jaejoong healing with Yunho. Like, he IS a badboy like I first intended, only with a bit more character and reason behind him. I read a book when I was younger about some guy turning emo and blabla and it did affect me. That's what I want to write, the meaning of JJ. WHY he's like he is. Why he destroys and mocks and is like he is. Because he hates himself, because he's envious. I guess I just want to show that everything isn't like it seems. He's not destroying for others because of them, he does it because of himself. (And of course lots of yunjae lovin')
And yeah, after all that drabble my question is: Are you still interested in this?
Is this better/worse?
Do you like this change, or do you prefere me to change it around some more? Any ideas, tips etc? I need help because I really, really don't want anyone to go 'ohh... Well this was not how I imagined it.' So please, help? <3