Confessions of a Male Escort
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Chapter Twelve (cont...)
Harry sat in the back of the Impala next to Anna, with Ruby on the other side of her. Harry thought that Anna had deliberately placed them that way so that she could avoid Harry killing Ruby on the way to Union and possibly cause a little bit of tension in the car for the rest of the journey.
Dean laughing to himself brought Harry out of his bloodthirsty musings on how he'd kill Ruby - slowly and painfully - and he looked to the front to see what it was that amused Dean so much.
"What?" Ruby snapped, asking exactly what Harry was going to, though in a less bitchy manner. He didn't actually think it was physically possible for Ruby to be anything less than a bitch.
"Nothing. It's just an angel, a demon and a rent boy riding in the backseat. It's like the setup to a bad joke… or a Penthouse Forum letter," Dean admitted with a chuckle. Harry just gaped at the back of his head, honestly concerned about what Dean seemingly considered porn.
"Dude! Reality… porn," Sam pointed out once again, sounding slightly exasperated with his brother.
"You call this reality?"
"Ignoring you shockingly bad taste in porn, are you saying you wouldn't call this reality? Because let me tell you, if this is some sort of daydream, then my fantasy's really need work," Harry pointed out dryly, succinctly putting an end to that topic of conversation and making everyone in the car go silent, no one too sure how to respond to that.
21st November, 2008. Union, KY
Harry stared up at the Miracle Tree as the locals apparently called it. A name that screamed of a town lacking in imagination. A whole town with no imagination, that was more the miracle to Harry than a huge ass tree. Which, admittedly, was sort of awe-inspiring. Though it left Harry feeling a little overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
A feeling clearly not felt by the rest of their little troupe if the looks on their faces was anything to go by.
"It's beautiful," Dean muttered in awe. Harry gaped at the back of his head and then tried to cover his chuckle but ultimately failing and making everyone look at him.
"What?"
"Why are you laughing?"
"Dean just swooned for a tree and no one is finding this amusing? Dean, do you and the tree want a little time alone?" Harry asked with a grin, dodging the swat Dean aimed at his head.
"Dude! That's her grace! How do you manage to sound more and more skeevy with every dirty comment you make?" Dean asked him incredulously, and a glance at the others showed Harry that even Ruby was staring at him in shock.
"It's a skill," Harry admitted with a shrug, noticing that whilst everyone's attention had been on him, Anna had made her way over to the tree and was now standing with her hands on it.
"Anna, what are we even looking for?"
"Does the giant tree in the middle of the clearing not clue you in there, Sammy-Sam?" Harry asked sarcastically, not taking his eyes off of Anna and therefore noticing the slightly disappointed look on her face.
"It doesn't matter anyway. It's not here. Not anymore. Someone took it," Anna told them, and Harry felt a tiny bit of hope die a miserable death.
21st November, 2008. Unknown location
Harry stood in the corner of an abandoned barn that they had holed up in to decide their next course of action, watching Dean, Sam and Ruby argue over what they needed to do next with Anna standing next to him also silently watching the debate.
"We still got the hex bags. I say we head back to the panic room," Dean said firmly, sounding like he didn't want to leave room for argument.
"What, forever?" Much as it pained him to admit, even silently to himself, he agreed with Ruby's point.
"I'm just thinking out loud!"
"Oh, you call that thinking?"
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Stop it!" Sam told them, moving so that he was standing in the middle of them and breaking up any argument that might have started. Which was a shame as far as Harry was concerned.
"Anna's grace is gone. You understand? She can't angel up. She can't protect us. We can't fight Heaven and Hell. One side maybe, but not both. Not at once," Ruby pointed out and Harry silently argued that he didn't even want to fight heaven. Some of those angels were his friends. Well, he hoped they still were. He didn't want to fight them.
Harry glanced over at Anna, to see what she felt about all of this, and saw that she wasn't listening. To them at least. The glazed look in her eyes let Harry know that she was probably listening to the angels once more. Either that or she had finally had a mental break.
"Um… guys? The angels are talking again," Anna called out tentatively, confirming Harry's suspicions. Harry just wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
"What are they saying?" Sam asked before Harry could ask the same thing.
"It's weird… like a recording… a loop. It says 'Dean Winchester and Harry Potter give us Anna by midnight, or…'" Anna stopped with a grimace and Harry just knew he wasn't going to like the end of that ultimatum.
"Or what?"
"'…or we hurl them down to damnation.'"
"Well shit," Harry muttered, looking over to see that Dean looked pale and had a pained grimace on his face. Clearly recalling what might happen should they get sent to Hell.
"Anna… do you know of any weapon that works on an angel?" Sam asked, making Harry gape at him in confusion. Sam knew of something that killed angels and he had one. Why was he asking Anna something he knew the answer too?
"To what? Kill them?" Anna asked, though Harry was too busy wondering why Sam would need to ask in the first place. The interested look on Dean's face wasn't reassuring Harry either. How come he was apparently the only one to remember Ardifiel's sword? "Nothing we could get to. Not right now."
"Um… Sam? Dean? Could I talk to you both outside for a minute? Alone," Harry added when it looked like Ruby was going to either join them or tell him to say it in front of them all. Something Harry wasn't going to do.
He needed to know if there was a reason Sam and Dean didn't seem to remember that they owned a sword of an angel.
Thankfully Sam and Dean both nodded and Harry led them both outside and carried on walking a little further away from the barn, just in case Ruby or Anna decided to eavesdrop.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Sam asked once Harry had finally deemed them to be a safe enough distance from the barn, yet still in sight of it.
"Your question to Anna. It's made me worried about something."
"What's that?" Dean asked, frowning in concern and paying more attention to Harry than he had been.
"Do you honestly not know of anything that could kill an angel?"
"What? Of course I don't. That's why I asked. Why would you think that?" Sam asked him, sounding genuinely confused and making Harry's panic levels rise a little.
"Because you should know of something! You own something!" Harry told him in a hissed shout, trying to ensure that their voices didn’t carry back to the barn.
"What? No we don't!" Dean said before Sam could possibly say the same thing.
"You honestly don't remember? Well shit. We've got another problem then. Sam, a few weeks ago, you won a bet. The winnings of that bet were a sword from me."
"Yeah. I know. You gave me George. But I gave it back to you. Why are you telling us this? You mean George can kill an angel?" Sam asked him, interrupting what Harry was going to tell them.
"No! George wasn't the only winnings! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You won the sword of an angel as well! Ardifiel gave you one of his swords!" Harry told them, watching as both Winchesters took that in and then, almost simultaneously, got a look of distress on their faces.
"I remember the sword now. Why couldn’t I remember until you mentioned it? Why could you still remember? What the hell happened to us to forget that?" Sam asked, sounding shaky and disturbed at this revelation. Something Harry understood completely.
"What the hell, man?! Someone wiped our memories of the sword? Really, what the hell?!" Dean asked, Harry just shrugged, not entirely sure what he could say to that.
"So what now? We take the sword in and use it to protect Anna?" Sam asked and Harry shook his head.
"No… For one, I don't want Ruby knowing we have it. And well… I don't want to kill Ardy or Cas? And I don't think we'd stand a chance anyway," Harry admitted with a small shrug.
"Yeah. I… I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of Ruby knowing about the sword either. But what then?" Harry noted he wasn't the only one staring at Sam in shock at his admission that he didn't trust Ruby. Dean was also gaping at his brother, stunned at that little revelation.
"I don't know. Is there anyway we could hide it somewhere and then only bring it out and use it if it's a last resort?" Harry asked, still not completely sure he wanted to even do that.
"How would we do that? I don't think we have much choice. We can't use it, Harry's right; we wouldn't stand a chance against three angels. So maybe we should just leave it in the Impala. At least we remember the thing now," Dean added with a disgruntled look.
"Yeah… so what then? What do we do now?"
"No idea. Guess we go back inside and see if Anna and Ruby can think up an idea," Harry suggested, and then slowly led the way back to the barn. He couldn't help but wonder if he was going to survive to see the next morning.
Harry looked around him at the empty barn, frowning as he was almost certain the others were all in there with him the last time he'd looked. Stepping into the middle of the barn, and then stopping when he noticed someone standing in front of him.
The being walked forwards and stepped under the loan light in the barn, revealing to Harry that Yebemiah was standing in front of him, looking more serious than he normally did, if that was even possible.
"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" Harry asked, looking at Yebemiah in confusion and wondering if Dean felt so out of sorts when Castiel did this to him. Apparently Castiel preferred to talk to Dean that way.
"You are."
"Huh. How come? I mean, Ardy always said that he didn't bother visiting me in my sleep because breaking through my barriers wasn't worth the headache. And also, why you? Where's Ardy? He's alright, right?" Harry asked, worry for Ardifiel increasing by the second.
"It was worth the trouble. Ardifiel is fine. He has currently been sent to prevent another seal from being broken. In fact, I have also been removed from the task of recalling Anna. Castiel and Uriel are now the two angels searching for Anna. Be warned, Castiel may be higher in rank to Uriel, but he doesn't have any control over him," Yebemiah warned him, sending a shot of alarm through Harry.
"What do you mean? Cas is alright, isn't he?"
"Castiel is fine. As long as he follows orders, he will continue to be fine. However, there is something wrong in Heaven and I don't know what it is."
"What do you mean?"
"We are not getting our orders from God. I do not think Ardifiel knows this yet as he has not been able to get back to Heaven yet. Joshua admitted to me that he hadn't heard from God for a while."
"Why are you telling me this? What can I do?"
"Nothing. You can do nothing with regards to what is going on with my brothers. But you needed to be warned. The message that was passed on to you and Dean through Anna was not given by our Father. Ardifiel does not know of this message, but I can assure you that he will not be impressed when he finds out. He will not allow you to go to Hell, Harry."
"Yeah, so he's said."
"Believe him. You must not give anyone reason to smite you, Harry. The tasks you have been given still stand. They were possibly some of the last orders God gave. You must not allow Sam Winchester to fall and drink demon blood. You still have time, but I do not know how much longer he will deny Ruby's tempting. You need to kill the demon as soon as you can."
"I know! But how? It's not as easy as you seem to think it is! I don't want Sam to go to Hell, but all I can see is me failing and dragging him down to Hell with me! You have to help me! Please!" Harry pleaded, looking imploringly at Yebemiah and fervently hoping that the angel would help him.
"There is not much I can help you with, Harry. I will try to aid you as much as I can, but I must be seen to be following orders. Who ever it is that is actually giving orders now must not think that I have fallen. The same goes for Ardifiel when he finds out about this. Joshua is trying to find out what has happened, but we all must be careful. None of us want to be accused of losing our faith. You know what will happen if that comes to pass," Yebemiah told him and Harry nibbled anxiously on his lip and stared at the angel, who clearly sucked at making anyone feel at ease.
"So what do I do? About Anna? What about Cas?"
"Castiel must not know about this. He needs to believe he is following orders of God. He is too low in rank for even the slightest bit of doubt in our father to form. Try not to harm Castiel, but do not put yourself into a position that will end with me and Ardifiel having to bring you back from Hell. I really do not wish to go there anytime soon."
"Right, so you tell me that Heaven is basically screwed, God is missing and yet you seem to think I need to continue on and yet I can't tell Cas any of this? What about Sam and Dean?"
"Dean is currently being visited by Uriel. He is being given an ultimatum, which will not be carried out as it would go against the deal you currently have with Heaven. What you tell the Winchesters of this conversation is up to you, but consider what this information may do to their frames of mind. I told you this because you are close to Ardifiel and need to understand what is happening."
"So?"
"Ardifiel may need your help with some things in future. Sam and Dean won't be of any help. However, none of this matters if you fail in your tasks. Lucifer must not be let out. God being missing will be the least of our problems should my brother be released from his cage."
"Huh. Cheerful thought. Right, so I have to start working harder on finding out a way getting rid of Ruby. Any ideas on the immediate issue I currently have?"
"What happens with Anna is out of mine and your hands. Uriel and Castiel are at this minute finding out your location. You need to wake up. Remember, Castiel must not find out about God. Stay safe, Harry and do not let Uriel get near you," Yebemiah told him just before he brushed his hand down Harry's face and Harry woke up.
22nd November, 2008. Unknown Location
"I don't know, man. Where's Ruby?" Sam asked later that morning. Harry had woken up only minutes before Dean had jerked awake, and Ruby hadn't been around. Harry partly hoped that she wouldn't come back, though that'd defeat the whole purpose of everything, he supposed.
"Hey, she's your hell buddy," Dean pointed out from where he stood next to Anna. Harry wondered if something had happened between the two when they'd been outside alone for a while and grinned as he wondered if that meant Dean could also join the club of people who'd slept with an angel.
Dean took a deep swig from his flask and then surprised Harry by offering him the flask. Harry gave him a thankful nod and took the flask, taking a deep sip of the alcohol in there and felt it burn down his throat. Not that it actually made him feel any better.
"Little early for that, isn't it?" Anna asked with a nod to the flask in Harry's hand. Harry just shrugged and handed it back to Dean.
"It's two am somewhere," Dean told her when he took the flask back and placed it in a pocket of his jacket.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Dean answered, sounding as far from okay as possible. Anna didn't have a chance to reply though, as the doors opened with a crash and Castiel walked in, closely followed by Uriel.
"Hello, Anna. It’s good to see you," Castiel said as he stepped into the room and glanced at each of the occupants before turning his attention back to Anna.
"How? How did you find us?" Sam asked, before he frowned and turned to look first at Harry, then at Dean. "Harry? Dean?"
Harry felt a little hurt that Sam would automatically think he had given their location away but he was saved from saying anything when Dean just gave a guilty shrug and rubbed a hand through his hair.
"I'm sorry," Dean said, looking at Anna, who just nodded her understanding.
"Why?" Harry really needed to get onto thumping Sam's questioning out of him. He was like an annoying child.
"Because they gave him a choice. They either kill me… or kill you. I know how their minds work," Anna explained to Sam, and Harry realised what Yebemiah meant when he said Uriel had threatened their deal.
Harry couldn't actually say anything about that however, as he hadn't told anyone of his nighttime visit yet. And he still wasn’t sure he should at all. Harry looked over to Dean in time to see Anna kiss him and prove what Harry had suspected earlier.
"You did the best you could. I forgive you," Anna told him before she turned and walked over to stand in front of Castiel. "Okay. No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready."
"I'm sorry," Castiel said, and to Harry, actually sounded like he might mean it.
"No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling," Anna said, which made Harry frown in confusion. Harry admittedly didn't know as much about angels as Anna did, but he knew that they could feel emotions if they let themselves. Ardifiel allowed himself to feel. Harry knew many of what he showed was a mask, Ardifiel was still an angel and a loyal warrior of God, but many of his emotions were still real.
"Still, we have a history. It's just-"
"Orders are orders," Anna said, interrupting Castiel. Harry couldn’t hold back the slight wince at the reminder of just where those orders were coming from. Or weren't coming from as it were. "I know. Just make it quick."
Castiel didn't actually have a chance to kill Anna or do anything else, as the demon Dean had said was called Alastair chose that moment to make his appearance in the room, followed swiftly by another demon and Ruby - who appeared to be bleeding.
Harry quickly grabbed Sam's sleeve to stop him from moving over to Ruby before he even registered thinking about doing it, getting him a strange look from Sam. Though Sam didn't move from where he was standing next to Harry, so Harry saw that as a win.
"Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head!" Alastair demanded - possibly the strangest demand Harry had ever heard from a demon. Not that he'd heard many demands from demons admittedly. Still, Alastair creeped Harry out far more than any other demon he'd met.
"How dare you come in this room… you pussing sore?" Uriel spat. Harry just gaped at the petty and somewhat Shakespearean insult. He swore, as soon as someone said 'fool's mammot' Harry was leaving. He was just gonna quit. He refused to live in a Shakespeare play.
"Name-calling. That hurt my feelings… you sanctimonious, fanatical prick." Harry only just held back from applauding Alastair with that one. It was a much better insult.
"Turn around and walk away now," Castiel warned, his threatening tone making a shiver go down Harry's spine and Harry found himself wanting to follow Castiel's threat.
"Sure. Just give us the girl. We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper," Alastair said with a leering grin that made Harry shudder. He didn't think there was anyway the demon could say that and make it sound appealing.
"You know who we are and what we will do. I won't say it again. Leave now… or we lay you to waste," Castiel told him in a calm voice, not sounding concerned about how events may play out in the least.
"Think I'll take my chances," Alastair told him before launching himself at Castiel just as the other demon tackled Uriel. Harry stared at the fighting and then to where Dean stood, looking shaky and pale. Harry tugged on Sam's sleeve and tilted his head over to Dean, trying to silently get the message to go to Dean to Sam. Luckily Sam seemed to get the message and they both slowly tried to make their way towards Dean without getting dragged into the fighting.
Harry happened to glance over to where Castiel was fighting with Alastair just as they about reached Dean, and dropped Sam's sleeve in shock when he saw that Alastair had gotten the upper hand and was seemingly trying to exorcise Castiel. Something Harry hadn't even thought possible.
Harry glanced around him for something to use to help Castiel, but found nothing and began to panic. Ignoring Sam, Harry started to move towards Castiel but was beaten by Dean, who had somehow found an iron crowbar and hit Alastair in the face with it, knocking the demon away from Castiel.
Harry looked on in shock as Alastair slowly stood up and away from Castiel, turning his attention to Dean.
"Dean, Dean, Dean… I am so disappointed. You had such promise," Alastair said with a sad shake of his head before he punched Dean. Harry was torn between helping Dean and going to Castiel, and was saved from having to choose when Sam jumped in to help Dean.
Seeing that the two brothers were coping against Alastair, Harry rushed over to Castiel and dropped to his knees by Castiel's head and placed a hand on the angel's shoulder.
"Cas! Cas, come on! Let me know you're okay!" Harry whispered frantically, shaking Castiel's shoulder and giving a sigh of relief when Castiel gave a slightly pained groan and his eyes slowly opened.
"Harry?"
"Cas! Thank God you're okay! Man, I was worried for a second there! You know I would be completely useless without you to occasionally drop in and keep me on track!" Harry told him, laughing slightly with relief. Castiel just stared at him in confusion, still looking a little dazed.
"I am fine. Why would you worry about me?"
"Cas! You're my friend! Why wouldn't I worry about you! I don't have many friends and I intend to keep the few I do have," Harry told him with a bright smile that just made Castiel blink at him.
"Shut your eyes!" Harry heard Anna's screamed warning and turned to see what was happening but was prevented when Castiel moved faster than Harry had ever seen him move and grabbed Harry, forcing Harry's face against his chest.
Harry then felt a wash of energy and sharp, shard like magic flow over him before it felt as though it was ripped back to where it came from seconds later. Harry stayed where he was, pressed against Castiel with Castiel's arm held protectively across his shoulders.
Harry pulled back a few moments later and looked around him, seeing both Winchester's sitting on the floor, looking as dazed as he felt. Ruby was still propped up in the corner and Uriel was standing in the centre of the room, but Anna and Alastair were no longer around.
"Well? What are you guys waiting for? Go get Anna. Unless, of course, you're scared," Dean said with a sneer at Uriel. Harry grinned when he realised that he was pretty much sitting in Castiel's lap and Castiel still had an arm draped over his shoulders. A sight that made both Winchester's gape when they noticed the two on the floor.
"This isn't over," Uriel snapped at them before he left the barn. Harry quickly climbed off of Castiel, sheepishly smiling at the still gaping Winchesters before he turned back to face Castiel.
"Thanks for that, Cas. I guess you had better go after Uriel then, huh?" Harry asked him, Castiel stared at him with a tilted head and blinked before he nodded.
"Yes. Call me should you need me and Ardifiel is not available. The same for you, Dean, Sam," Castiel added, looking at the brothers and giving them both a nod before he left the room in the same way Uriel had.
"You okay?" Sam asked suddenly, and Harry looked over, disappointed when he saw that he was talking to Ruby. Dean noticed his gaze and gave a him a sad smile, walking over to stand next to him.
"What took you so long to get here?" Dean asked Ruby, something Harry had been wondering as well.
"Sorry I'm late with the demon delivery. I was only being tortured," Ruby snapped. Harry just felt it was a shame that she'd gotten out of it alive.
"I got to hand it to you, Sammy. Bringing them all together all at once - angels and demons. It was a damn good plan." Dean said, clearly choosing to ignore Ruby's excuse for being late.
"I'm with Dean on this. Brilliant plan there, Sammy-Sam!"
"Yeah, well, when you got Godzilla and Mothra on your ass, best to get out of their way and let them fight," Sam told them with a grin and a shrug.
"Yeah, now you’re just bragging," Dean said lightly, smiling at Sam and nudging Harry with an elbow.
"So, I guess she's some big-time angel now, huh? She must be happy… wherever she is," Sam said as he looked over to where Anna had last been standing before she had left them. Harry gazed over to the same spot and shook his head.
"I doubt it. But I think she'll be alright."
22nd November, 2008. Singer's Scrapyard, SD
They had decided to head back to Bobby's to recuperate and work out where they were going to head next. To Harry's relief, Ruby had decided she wasn't going to follow them. Apparently she had a problem with the panic room. Harry couldn't imagine what the problem was.
After Sam had wandered upstairs to go to sleep, Harry having claimed the sofa to sleep on and Dean claiming he wasn't tired, which garnered them both a strange look from Sam before he shrugged and went on upstairs, Harry had watched as Dean had paced a little before sighing and taking a seat next to Harry.
"Uh… Dean?"
"Anna said something to me when we spoke last night."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, well, she said two things. She admitted that you'd somehow made it easier for her to find her faith. Which kind of blows my mind a little though you sort of make it easier for me to believe in God as well. So maybe it's just you," Dean rambled, making Harry gape at him and wonder just where he was going with this.
"And this is making you act strange, because?"
"She told me that you'd listen to me. That you wouldn’t judge me for what I did in Hell."
"Right. Well I've already told you that before. What's suddenly brought this on?" Harry asked him, feeling confused about where this was going.
"I know you heard Alastair earlier. And also, can I just ask what the hell you and Cas were doing while we were fighting him?"
"I didn't hear Anna's warning in time. Cas saved me from losing my eyes. He must have realised I hadn't heard her because I was too worried about him. I'll admit, I was a bit confused about what he was doing, because he's never seemed all that keen on hugs before, but now I'm bloody thankful for what he did," Harry admitted with a grin.
"Huh. So he's not pissed that we tried to hide Anna from him?"
"Guess not," Harry said with a shrug, still not sure about whether or not he should tell Dean about what Yebemiah had warned him of. "So, back to Anna… and Alastair? I heard what he said, yeah. But what business is that of mine?"
"You said you'd listen. I'm ready to talk. I think I need to talk."
"Right. You know that whatever you tell me, it isn't going to change my view of you, right?"
"Maybe. It wasn't four months, you know," Dean said, randomly. Harry frowned in confusion, then clicked as to what he was talking about.
"You mean Hell, right? How… how long was it?"
"More like forty years."
"Well shit."
"Yeah. They uh… they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you… until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly… I would be whole again… like magic," Dean added with a dry laugh. Harry just watched him, deciding not to interrupt and to just let Dean tell him what he needed to say. "And Alastair… at the end of every day… every one… he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack… if I put souls on… if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't. And I got off the rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The - the things that I did to them."
Harry stared at Dean, unsure of what he could say. He was aware that he probably viewed these things a little differently to most people. And maybe that was what could help Dean.
"You were in Hell."
"Yeah. I know."
"No, I mean. So were those souls, Dean. Who knows what they had done to deserve to be there, but chances are damned high that it was bad. You know who belongs in Hell, Dean? Rapists, paedophiles and murderers. I mean, I belong in Hell, Dean. I think many people would applaud you for what you did. I know it won't make you feel any better, but Dean, those people were far from innocent."
"You're saying you deserve to be tortured? Just for charging for sex?"
"Some would say so. And I didn't mean I belong in Hell because I'm a whore."
"What?"
"I've killed, Dean. And I'll be honest, I wasn't pressured into it. I killed people and I enjoyed it. We all do messed up things, and when those things are because we couldn't take the torture anymore? No one is going to hold it against you," Harry told him with a shrug.
"But… how I feel… this… inside me… I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing," Dean admitted, tears starting to fall down his face. Harry just stared at him, unsure of what he should do.
"It's those feelings that make you different from demons and psychopaths. You feel guilt, Dean! You knew it wasn't right, but what choice did you have? None of this was your fault."
"It doesn't make it any better though."
"Maybe not. Only you can decide whether or not to accept what you did and move on. But I'm not going to judge you for what you did. I've done similar things without being under duress."
"I don't think I can accept what I did and move on."
"Then you're going to be stuck unhappy. Dean, the only way you can move on is if you accept the things you did. And Dean, if you tortured rapists and paedophiles, then I applaud you."
"You're saying they deserved what I did?"
"Yes."
"I don't think anyone deserves that," Dean said with a shake of his head. Harry just watched him and then shrugged.
"If they forced themselves on another person, then they deserved it. The truth of the matter is, that most souls in Hell deserve to be there. They knew what they were doing in life was wrong and that they would be punished for all their wrong doings in Hell and yet they still did it."
"What about the ones who made a deal?"
"Like you, you mean? I don't know. I don't think I'm the one to make that judgement. I can't really say what you did was right or wrong, Dean, but don't you think you've been punished enough without torturing yourself even more?" Harry asked him, getting a stunned look from Dean.
"What?"
"So you tortured people in Hell. You were tortured to! You think if you had given the same choice to the people you were working on, that they wouldn't have snapped that offer up in a New York minute? They sure as hell wouldn't have lasted as long as you did. I wouldn't have lasted as long as you did!"
"Doesn't make it any better though!"
"Maybe. Maybe not. Dean, Castiel forgives you. God forgives you! So why the hell can't you forgive yourself?"
"It's not that simple."
"Yeah, Dean. It is. Sometimes things in life really are that simple."
"Maybe."
"Yeah, maybe. Ardifiel has never blamed you."
"Ardy?"
"Yeah. He's the Angel of Strength, Challenges and Morale. Maybe he should give some of that strength to you."
"No offence, but the angels aren't really my favourite people right now."
"That message they gave Anna? And that ultimatum Uriel gave you? Neither would have come to pass. Ardy refuses to let me go to Hell, and I doubt he'd leave you there either. And it would break the deal I have with God for Uriel to kill Sam."
"So you're saying we did the wrong thing today?"
"No. We did the only thing today," Harry paused, and then decided that he couldn't cope with being the only one to know about God's absence, and only hoped that Dean could understand. "I got a visit from Yebemiah when I was sleeping. He - he told me some things…"
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A/N - So! How's things with you guys? Been a while, huh? I'll be honest, I had actually kind of given up with this and wasn't sure I would be updating it again but then I was hit with a bit of inspiration. So here's another chapter!
Actually, this would have been posted earlier if I hadn't had a small issue with Word not saving it and me losing about twelve thousand words. Honestly? That was another point that I was going just quit. But I didn't! And I've produced another chapter! Admittedly, over a year late…
On that note, I'm not going to give a date when this'll be updated again. But I hope it's not as long. I'm pretty busy with trying to get a business up and running, and my health isn't all that great, but I will try to continue writing this and I want to finish it. There isn't all that much left. Well, maybe about ten chapters or so.
So let me know what you think! You know, if there's anyone still actually reading this! And I really am sorry for the huge-ass wait! As you can see, things are starting to progress a little now, and God's absence has been noted sooner than it had in canon.
Reviews are love! And thank you for sticking with me! :D
Chapter Twelve (cont...)
Harry sat in the back of the Impala next to Anna, with Ruby on the other side of her. Harry thought that Anna had deliberately placed them that way so that she could avoid Harry killing Ruby on the way to Union and possibly cause a little bit of tension in the car for the rest of the journey.
Dean laughing to himself brought Harry out of his bloodthirsty musings on how he'd kill Ruby - slowly and painfully - and he looked to the front to see what it was that amused Dean so much.
"What?" Ruby snapped, asking exactly what Harry was going to, though in a less bitchy manner. He didn't actually think it was physically possible for Ruby to be anything less than a bitch.
"Nothing. It's just an angel, a demon and a rent boy riding in the backseat. It's like the setup to a bad joke… or a Penthouse Forum letter," Dean admitted with a chuckle. Harry just gaped at the back of his head, honestly concerned about what Dean seemingly considered porn.
"Dude! Reality… porn," Sam pointed out once again, sounding slightly exasperated with his brother.
"You call this reality?"
"Ignoring you shockingly bad taste in porn, are you saying you wouldn't call this reality? Because let me tell you, if this is some sort of daydream, then my fantasy's really need work," Harry pointed out dryly, succinctly putting an end to that topic of conversation and making everyone in the car go silent, no one too sure how to respond to that.
21st November, 2008. Union, KY
Harry stared up at the Miracle Tree as the locals apparently called it. A name that screamed of a town lacking in imagination. A whole town with no imagination, that was more the miracle to Harry than a huge ass tree. Which, admittedly, was sort of awe-inspiring. Though it left Harry feeling a little overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
A feeling clearly not felt by the rest of their little troupe if the looks on their faces was anything to go by.
"It's beautiful," Dean muttered in awe. Harry gaped at the back of his head and then tried to cover his chuckle but ultimately failing and making everyone look at him.
"What?"
"Why are you laughing?"
"Dean just swooned for a tree and no one is finding this amusing? Dean, do you and the tree want a little time alone?" Harry asked with a grin, dodging the swat Dean aimed at his head.
"Dude! That's her grace! How do you manage to sound more and more skeevy with every dirty comment you make?" Dean asked him incredulously, and a glance at the others showed Harry that even Ruby was staring at him in shock.
"It's a skill," Harry admitted with a shrug, noticing that whilst everyone's attention had been on him, Anna had made her way over to the tree and was now standing with her hands on it.
"Anna, what are we even looking for?"
"Does the giant tree in the middle of the clearing not clue you in there, Sammy-Sam?" Harry asked sarcastically, not taking his eyes off of Anna and therefore noticing the slightly disappointed look on her face.
"It doesn't matter anyway. It's not here. Not anymore. Someone took it," Anna told them, and Harry felt a tiny bit of hope die a miserable death.
21st November, 2008. Unknown location
Harry stood in the corner of an abandoned barn that they had holed up in to decide their next course of action, watching Dean, Sam and Ruby argue over what they needed to do next with Anna standing next to him also silently watching the debate.
"We still got the hex bags. I say we head back to the panic room," Dean said firmly, sounding like he didn't want to leave room for argument.
"What, forever?" Much as it pained him to admit, even silently to himself, he agreed with Ruby's point.
"I'm just thinking out loud!"
"Oh, you call that thinking?"
"Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Stop it!" Sam told them, moving so that he was standing in the middle of them and breaking up any argument that might have started. Which was a shame as far as Harry was concerned.
"Anna's grace is gone. You understand? She can't angel up. She can't protect us. We can't fight Heaven and Hell. One side maybe, but not both. Not at once," Ruby pointed out and Harry silently argued that he didn't even want to fight heaven. Some of those angels were his friends. Well, he hoped they still were. He didn't want to fight them.
Harry glanced over at Anna, to see what she felt about all of this, and saw that she wasn't listening. To them at least. The glazed look in her eyes let Harry know that she was probably listening to the angels once more. Either that or she had finally had a mental break.
"Um… guys? The angels are talking again," Anna called out tentatively, confirming Harry's suspicions. Harry just wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
"What are they saying?" Sam asked before Harry could ask the same thing.
"It's weird… like a recording… a loop. It says 'Dean Winchester and Harry Potter give us Anna by midnight, or…'" Anna stopped with a grimace and Harry just knew he wasn't going to like the end of that ultimatum.
"Or what?"
"'…or we hurl them down to damnation.'"
"Well shit," Harry muttered, looking over to see that Dean looked pale and had a pained grimace on his face. Clearly recalling what might happen should they get sent to Hell.
"Anna… do you know of any weapon that works on an angel?" Sam asked, making Harry gape at him in confusion. Sam knew of something that killed angels and he had one. Why was he asking Anna something he knew the answer too?
"To what? Kill them?" Anna asked, though Harry was too busy wondering why Sam would need to ask in the first place. The interested look on Dean's face wasn't reassuring Harry either. How come he was apparently the only one to remember Ardifiel's sword? "Nothing we could get to. Not right now."
"Um… Sam? Dean? Could I talk to you both outside for a minute? Alone," Harry added when it looked like Ruby was going to either join them or tell him to say it in front of them all. Something Harry wasn't going to do.
He needed to know if there was a reason Sam and Dean didn't seem to remember that they owned a sword of an angel.
Thankfully Sam and Dean both nodded and Harry led them both outside and carried on walking a little further away from the barn, just in case Ruby or Anna decided to eavesdrop.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Sam asked once Harry had finally deemed them to be a safe enough distance from the barn, yet still in sight of it.
"Your question to Anna. It's made me worried about something."
"What's that?" Dean asked, frowning in concern and paying more attention to Harry than he had been.
"Do you honestly not know of anything that could kill an angel?"
"What? Of course I don't. That's why I asked. Why would you think that?" Sam asked him, sounding genuinely confused and making Harry's panic levels rise a little.
"Because you should know of something! You own something!" Harry told him in a hissed shout, trying to ensure that their voices didn’t carry back to the barn.
"What? No we don't!" Dean said before Sam could possibly say the same thing.
"You honestly don't remember? Well shit. We've got another problem then. Sam, a few weeks ago, you won a bet. The winnings of that bet were a sword from me."
"Yeah. I know. You gave me George. But I gave it back to you. Why are you telling us this? You mean George can kill an angel?" Sam asked him, interrupting what Harry was going to tell them.
"No! George wasn't the only winnings! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You won the sword of an angel as well! Ardifiel gave you one of his swords!" Harry told them, watching as both Winchesters took that in and then, almost simultaneously, got a look of distress on their faces.
"I remember the sword now. Why couldn’t I remember until you mentioned it? Why could you still remember? What the hell happened to us to forget that?" Sam asked, sounding shaky and disturbed at this revelation. Something Harry understood completely.
"What the hell, man?! Someone wiped our memories of the sword? Really, what the hell?!" Dean asked, Harry just shrugged, not entirely sure what he could say to that.
"So what now? We take the sword in and use it to protect Anna?" Sam asked and Harry shook his head.
"No… For one, I don't want Ruby knowing we have it. And well… I don't want to kill Ardy or Cas? And I don't think we'd stand a chance anyway," Harry admitted with a small shrug.
"Yeah. I… I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of Ruby knowing about the sword either. But what then?" Harry noted he wasn't the only one staring at Sam in shock at his admission that he didn't trust Ruby. Dean was also gaping at his brother, stunned at that little revelation.
"I don't know. Is there anyway we could hide it somewhere and then only bring it out and use it if it's a last resort?" Harry asked, still not completely sure he wanted to even do that.
"How would we do that? I don't think we have much choice. We can't use it, Harry's right; we wouldn't stand a chance against three angels. So maybe we should just leave it in the Impala. At least we remember the thing now," Dean added with a disgruntled look.
"Yeah… so what then? What do we do now?"
"No idea. Guess we go back inside and see if Anna and Ruby can think up an idea," Harry suggested, and then slowly led the way back to the barn. He couldn't help but wonder if he was going to survive to see the next morning.
Harry looked around him at the empty barn, frowning as he was almost certain the others were all in there with him the last time he'd looked. Stepping into the middle of the barn, and then stopping when he noticed someone standing in front of him.
The being walked forwards and stepped under the loan light in the barn, revealing to Harry that Yebemiah was standing in front of him, looking more serious than he normally did, if that was even possible.
"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" Harry asked, looking at Yebemiah in confusion and wondering if Dean felt so out of sorts when Castiel did this to him. Apparently Castiel preferred to talk to Dean that way.
"You are."
"Huh. How come? I mean, Ardy always said that he didn't bother visiting me in my sleep because breaking through my barriers wasn't worth the headache. And also, why you? Where's Ardy? He's alright, right?" Harry asked, worry for Ardifiel increasing by the second.
"It was worth the trouble. Ardifiel is fine. He has currently been sent to prevent another seal from being broken. In fact, I have also been removed from the task of recalling Anna. Castiel and Uriel are now the two angels searching for Anna. Be warned, Castiel may be higher in rank to Uriel, but he doesn't have any control over him," Yebemiah warned him, sending a shot of alarm through Harry.
"What do you mean? Cas is alright, isn't he?"
"Castiel is fine. As long as he follows orders, he will continue to be fine. However, there is something wrong in Heaven and I don't know what it is."
"What do you mean?"
"We are not getting our orders from God. I do not think Ardifiel knows this yet as he has not been able to get back to Heaven yet. Joshua admitted to me that he hadn't heard from God for a while."
"Why are you telling me this? What can I do?"
"Nothing. You can do nothing with regards to what is going on with my brothers. But you needed to be warned. The message that was passed on to you and Dean through Anna was not given by our Father. Ardifiel does not know of this message, but I can assure you that he will not be impressed when he finds out. He will not allow you to go to Hell, Harry."
"Yeah, so he's said."
"Believe him. You must not give anyone reason to smite you, Harry. The tasks you have been given still stand. They were possibly some of the last orders God gave. You must not allow Sam Winchester to fall and drink demon blood. You still have time, but I do not know how much longer he will deny Ruby's tempting. You need to kill the demon as soon as you can."
"I know! But how? It's not as easy as you seem to think it is! I don't want Sam to go to Hell, but all I can see is me failing and dragging him down to Hell with me! You have to help me! Please!" Harry pleaded, looking imploringly at Yebemiah and fervently hoping that the angel would help him.
"There is not much I can help you with, Harry. I will try to aid you as much as I can, but I must be seen to be following orders. Who ever it is that is actually giving orders now must not think that I have fallen. The same goes for Ardifiel when he finds out about this. Joshua is trying to find out what has happened, but we all must be careful. None of us want to be accused of losing our faith. You know what will happen if that comes to pass," Yebemiah told him and Harry nibbled anxiously on his lip and stared at the angel, who clearly sucked at making anyone feel at ease.
"So what do I do? About Anna? What about Cas?"
"Castiel must not know about this. He needs to believe he is following orders of God. He is too low in rank for even the slightest bit of doubt in our father to form. Try not to harm Castiel, but do not put yourself into a position that will end with me and Ardifiel having to bring you back from Hell. I really do not wish to go there anytime soon."
"Right, so you tell me that Heaven is basically screwed, God is missing and yet you seem to think I need to continue on and yet I can't tell Cas any of this? What about Sam and Dean?"
"Dean is currently being visited by Uriel. He is being given an ultimatum, which will not be carried out as it would go against the deal you currently have with Heaven. What you tell the Winchesters of this conversation is up to you, but consider what this information may do to their frames of mind. I told you this because you are close to Ardifiel and need to understand what is happening."
"So?"
"Ardifiel may need your help with some things in future. Sam and Dean won't be of any help. However, none of this matters if you fail in your tasks. Lucifer must not be let out. God being missing will be the least of our problems should my brother be released from his cage."
"Huh. Cheerful thought. Right, so I have to start working harder on finding out a way getting rid of Ruby. Any ideas on the immediate issue I currently have?"
"What happens with Anna is out of mine and your hands. Uriel and Castiel are at this minute finding out your location. You need to wake up. Remember, Castiel must not find out about God. Stay safe, Harry and do not let Uriel get near you," Yebemiah told him just before he brushed his hand down Harry's face and Harry woke up.
22nd November, 2008. Unknown Location
"I don't know, man. Where's Ruby?" Sam asked later that morning. Harry had woken up only minutes before Dean had jerked awake, and Ruby hadn't been around. Harry partly hoped that she wouldn't come back, though that'd defeat the whole purpose of everything, he supposed.
"Hey, she's your hell buddy," Dean pointed out from where he stood next to Anna. Harry wondered if something had happened between the two when they'd been outside alone for a while and grinned as he wondered if that meant Dean could also join the club of people who'd slept with an angel.
Dean took a deep swig from his flask and then surprised Harry by offering him the flask. Harry gave him a thankful nod and took the flask, taking a deep sip of the alcohol in there and felt it burn down his throat. Not that it actually made him feel any better.
"Little early for that, isn't it?" Anna asked with a nod to the flask in Harry's hand. Harry just shrugged and handed it back to Dean.
"It's two am somewhere," Dean told her when he took the flask back and placed it in a pocket of his jacket.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Dean answered, sounding as far from okay as possible. Anna didn't have a chance to reply though, as the doors opened with a crash and Castiel walked in, closely followed by Uriel.
"Hello, Anna. It’s good to see you," Castiel said as he stepped into the room and glanced at each of the occupants before turning his attention back to Anna.
"How? How did you find us?" Sam asked, before he frowned and turned to look first at Harry, then at Dean. "Harry? Dean?"
Harry felt a little hurt that Sam would automatically think he had given their location away but he was saved from saying anything when Dean just gave a guilty shrug and rubbed a hand through his hair.
"I'm sorry," Dean said, looking at Anna, who just nodded her understanding.
"Why?" Harry really needed to get onto thumping Sam's questioning out of him. He was like an annoying child.
"Because they gave him a choice. They either kill me… or kill you. I know how their minds work," Anna explained to Sam, and Harry realised what Yebemiah meant when he said Uriel had threatened their deal.
Harry couldn't actually say anything about that however, as he hadn't told anyone of his nighttime visit yet. And he still wasn’t sure he should at all. Harry looked over to Dean in time to see Anna kiss him and prove what Harry had suspected earlier.
"You did the best you could. I forgive you," Anna told him before she turned and walked over to stand in front of Castiel. "Okay. No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready."
"I'm sorry," Castiel said, and to Harry, actually sounded like he might mean it.
"No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling," Anna said, which made Harry frown in confusion. Harry admittedly didn't know as much about angels as Anna did, but he knew that they could feel emotions if they let themselves. Ardifiel allowed himself to feel. Harry knew many of what he showed was a mask, Ardifiel was still an angel and a loyal warrior of God, but many of his emotions were still real.
"Still, we have a history. It's just-"
"Orders are orders," Anna said, interrupting Castiel. Harry couldn’t hold back the slight wince at the reminder of just where those orders were coming from. Or weren't coming from as it were. "I know. Just make it quick."
Castiel didn't actually have a chance to kill Anna or do anything else, as the demon Dean had said was called Alastair chose that moment to make his appearance in the room, followed swiftly by another demon and Ruby - who appeared to be bleeding.
Harry quickly grabbed Sam's sleeve to stop him from moving over to Ruby before he even registered thinking about doing it, getting him a strange look from Sam. Though Sam didn't move from where he was standing next to Harry, so Harry saw that as a win.
"Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head!" Alastair demanded - possibly the strangest demand Harry had ever heard from a demon. Not that he'd heard many demands from demons admittedly. Still, Alastair creeped Harry out far more than any other demon he'd met.
"How dare you come in this room… you pussing sore?" Uriel spat. Harry just gaped at the petty and somewhat Shakespearean insult. He swore, as soon as someone said 'fool's mammot' Harry was leaving. He was just gonna quit. He refused to live in a Shakespeare play.
"Name-calling. That hurt my feelings… you sanctimonious, fanatical prick." Harry only just held back from applauding Alastair with that one. It was a much better insult.
"Turn around and walk away now," Castiel warned, his threatening tone making a shiver go down Harry's spine and Harry found himself wanting to follow Castiel's threat.
"Sure. Just give us the girl. We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper," Alastair said with a leering grin that made Harry shudder. He didn't think there was anyway the demon could say that and make it sound appealing.
"You know who we are and what we will do. I won't say it again. Leave now… or we lay you to waste," Castiel told him in a calm voice, not sounding concerned about how events may play out in the least.
"Think I'll take my chances," Alastair told him before launching himself at Castiel just as the other demon tackled Uriel. Harry stared at the fighting and then to where Dean stood, looking shaky and pale. Harry tugged on Sam's sleeve and tilted his head over to Dean, trying to silently get the message to go to Dean to Sam. Luckily Sam seemed to get the message and they both slowly tried to make their way towards Dean without getting dragged into the fighting.
Harry happened to glance over to where Castiel was fighting with Alastair just as they about reached Dean, and dropped Sam's sleeve in shock when he saw that Alastair had gotten the upper hand and was seemingly trying to exorcise Castiel. Something Harry hadn't even thought possible.
Harry glanced around him for something to use to help Castiel, but found nothing and began to panic. Ignoring Sam, Harry started to move towards Castiel but was beaten by Dean, who had somehow found an iron crowbar and hit Alastair in the face with it, knocking the demon away from Castiel.
Harry looked on in shock as Alastair slowly stood up and away from Castiel, turning his attention to Dean.
"Dean, Dean, Dean… I am so disappointed. You had such promise," Alastair said with a sad shake of his head before he punched Dean. Harry was torn between helping Dean and going to Castiel, and was saved from having to choose when Sam jumped in to help Dean.
Seeing that the two brothers were coping against Alastair, Harry rushed over to Castiel and dropped to his knees by Castiel's head and placed a hand on the angel's shoulder.
"Cas! Cas, come on! Let me know you're okay!" Harry whispered frantically, shaking Castiel's shoulder and giving a sigh of relief when Castiel gave a slightly pained groan and his eyes slowly opened.
"Harry?"
"Cas! Thank God you're okay! Man, I was worried for a second there! You know I would be completely useless without you to occasionally drop in and keep me on track!" Harry told him, laughing slightly with relief. Castiel just stared at him in confusion, still looking a little dazed.
"I am fine. Why would you worry about me?"
"Cas! You're my friend! Why wouldn't I worry about you! I don't have many friends and I intend to keep the few I do have," Harry told him with a bright smile that just made Castiel blink at him.
"Shut your eyes!" Harry heard Anna's screamed warning and turned to see what was happening but was prevented when Castiel moved faster than Harry had ever seen him move and grabbed Harry, forcing Harry's face against his chest.
Harry then felt a wash of energy and sharp, shard like magic flow over him before it felt as though it was ripped back to where it came from seconds later. Harry stayed where he was, pressed against Castiel with Castiel's arm held protectively across his shoulders.
Harry pulled back a few moments later and looked around him, seeing both Winchester's sitting on the floor, looking as dazed as he felt. Ruby was still propped up in the corner and Uriel was standing in the centre of the room, but Anna and Alastair were no longer around.
"Well? What are you guys waiting for? Go get Anna. Unless, of course, you're scared," Dean said with a sneer at Uriel. Harry grinned when he realised that he was pretty much sitting in Castiel's lap and Castiel still had an arm draped over his shoulders. A sight that made both Winchester's gape when they noticed the two on the floor.
"This isn't over," Uriel snapped at them before he left the barn. Harry quickly climbed off of Castiel, sheepishly smiling at the still gaping Winchesters before he turned back to face Castiel.
"Thanks for that, Cas. I guess you had better go after Uriel then, huh?" Harry asked him, Castiel stared at him with a tilted head and blinked before he nodded.
"Yes. Call me should you need me and Ardifiel is not available. The same for you, Dean, Sam," Castiel added, looking at the brothers and giving them both a nod before he left the room in the same way Uriel had.
"You okay?" Sam asked suddenly, and Harry looked over, disappointed when he saw that he was talking to Ruby. Dean noticed his gaze and gave a him a sad smile, walking over to stand next to him.
"What took you so long to get here?" Dean asked Ruby, something Harry had been wondering as well.
"Sorry I'm late with the demon delivery. I was only being tortured," Ruby snapped. Harry just felt it was a shame that she'd gotten out of it alive.
"I got to hand it to you, Sammy. Bringing them all together all at once - angels and demons. It was a damn good plan." Dean said, clearly choosing to ignore Ruby's excuse for being late.
"I'm with Dean on this. Brilliant plan there, Sammy-Sam!"
"Yeah, well, when you got Godzilla and Mothra on your ass, best to get out of their way and let them fight," Sam told them with a grin and a shrug.
"Yeah, now you’re just bragging," Dean said lightly, smiling at Sam and nudging Harry with an elbow.
"So, I guess she's some big-time angel now, huh? She must be happy… wherever she is," Sam said as he looked over to where Anna had last been standing before she had left them. Harry gazed over to the same spot and shook his head.
"I doubt it. But I think she'll be alright."
22nd November, 2008. Singer's Scrapyard, SD
They had decided to head back to Bobby's to recuperate and work out where they were going to head next. To Harry's relief, Ruby had decided she wasn't going to follow them. Apparently she had a problem with the panic room. Harry couldn't imagine what the problem was.
After Sam had wandered upstairs to go to sleep, Harry having claimed the sofa to sleep on and Dean claiming he wasn't tired, which garnered them both a strange look from Sam before he shrugged and went on upstairs, Harry had watched as Dean had paced a little before sighing and taking a seat next to Harry.
"Uh… Dean?"
"Anna said something to me when we spoke last night."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, well, she said two things. She admitted that you'd somehow made it easier for her to find her faith. Which kind of blows my mind a little though you sort of make it easier for me to believe in God as well. So maybe it's just you," Dean rambled, making Harry gape at him and wonder just where he was going with this.
"And this is making you act strange, because?"
"She told me that you'd listen to me. That you wouldn’t judge me for what I did in Hell."
"Right. Well I've already told you that before. What's suddenly brought this on?" Harry asked him, feeling confused about where this was going.
"I know you heard Alastair earlier. And also, can I just ask what the hell you and Cas were doing while we were fighting him?"
"I didn't hear Anna's warning in time. Cas saved me from losing my eyes. He must have realised I hadn't heard her because I was too worried about him. I'll admit, I was a bit confused about what he was doing, because he's never seemed all that keen on hugs before, but now I'm bloody thankful for what he did," Harry admitted with a grin.
"Huh. So he's not pissed that we tried to hide Anna from him?"
"Guess not," Harry said with a shrug, still not sure about whether or not he should tell Dean about what Yebemiah had warned him of. "So, back to Anna… and Alastair? I heard what he said, yeah. But what business is that of mine?"
"You said you'd listen. I'm ready to talk. I think I need to talk."
"Right. You know that whatever you tell me, it isn't going to change my view of you, right?"
"Maybe. It wasn't four months, you know," Dean said, randomly. Harry frowned in confusion, then clicked as to what he was talking about.
"You mean Hell, right? How… how long was it?"
"More like forty years."
"Well shit."
"Yeah. They uh… they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you… until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly… I would be whole again… like magic," Dean added with a dry laugh. Harry just watched him, deciding not to interrupt and to just let Dean tell him what he needed to say. "And Alastair… at the end of every day… every one… he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack… if I put souls on… if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't. And I got off the rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The - the things that I did to them."
Harry stared at Dean, unsure of what he could say. He was aware that he probably viewed these things a little differently to most people. And maybe that was what could help Dean.
"You were in Hell."
"Yeah. I know."
"No, I mean. So were those souls, Dean. Who knows what they had done to deserve to be there, but chances are damned high that it was bad. You know who belongs in Hell, Dean? Rapists, paedophiles and murderers. I mean, I belong in Hell, Dean. I think many people would applaud you for what you did. I know it won't make you feel any better, but Dean, those people were far from innocent."
"You're saying you deserve to be tortured? Just for charging for sex?"
"Some would say so. And I didn't mean I belong in Hell because I'm a whore."
"What?"
"I've killed, Dean. And I'll be honest, I wasn't pressured into it. I killed people and I enjoyed it. We all do messed up things, and when those things are because we couldn't take the torture anymore? No one is going to hold it against you," Harry told him with a shrug.
"But… how I feel… this… inside me… I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing," Dean admitted, tears starting to fall down his face. Harry just stared at him, unsure of what he should do.
"It's those feelings that make you different from demons and psychopaths. You feel guilt, Dean! You knew it wasn't right, but what choice did you have? None of this was your fault."
"It doesn't make it any better though."
"Maybe not. Only you can decide whether or not to accept what you did and move on. But I'm not going to judge you for what you did. I've done similar things without being under duress."
"I don't think I can accept what I did and move on."
"Then you're going to be stuck unhappy. Dean, the only way you can move on is if you accept the things you did. And Dean, if you tortured rapists and paedophiles, then I applaud you."
"You're saying they deserved what I did?"
"Yes."
"I don't think anyone deserves that," Dean said with a shake of his head. Harry just watched him and then shrugged.
"If they forced themselves on another person, then they deserved it. The truth of the matter is, that most souls in Hell deserve to be there. They knew what they were doing in life was wrong and that they would be punished for all their wrong doings in Hell and yet they still did it."
"What about the ones who made a deal?"
"Like you, you mean? I don't know. I don't think I'm the one to make that judgement. I can't really say what you did was right or wrong, Dean, but don't you think you've been punished enough without torturing yourself even more?" Harry asked him, getting a stunned look from Dean.
"What?"
"So you tortured people in Hell. You were tortured to! You think if you had given the same choice to the people you were working on, that they wouldn't have snapped that offer up in a New York minute? They sure as hell wouldn't have lasted as long as you did. I wouldn't have lasted as long as you did!"
"Doesn't make it any better though!"
"Maybe. Maybe not. Dean, Castiel forgives you. God forgives you! So why the hell can't you forgive yourself?"
"It's not that simple."
"Yeah, Dean. It is. Sometimes things in life really are that simple."
"Maybe."
"Yeah, maybe. Ardifiel has never blamed you."
"Ardy?"
"Yeah. He's the Angel of Strength, Challenges and Morale. Maybe he should give some of that strength to you."
"No offence, but the angels aren't really my favourite people right now."
"That message they gave Anna? And that ultimatum Uriel gave you? Neither would have come to pass. Ardy refuses to let me go to Hell, and I doubt he'd leave you there either. And it would break the deal I have with God for Uriel to kill Sam."
"So you're saying we did the wrong thing today?"
"No. We did the only thing today," Harry paused, and then decided that he couldn't cope with being the only one to know about God's absence, and only hoped that Dean could understand. "I got a visit from Yebemiah when I was sleeping. He - he told me some things…"
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A/N - So! How's things with you guys? Been a while, huh? I'll be honest, I had actually kind of given up with this and wasn't sure I would be updating it again but then I was hit with a bit of inspiration. So here's another chapter!
Actually, this would have been posted earlier if I hadn't had a small issue with Word not saving it and me losing about twelve thousand words. Honestly? That was another point that I was going just quit. But I didn't! And I've produced another chapter! Admittedly, over a year late…
On that note, I'm not going to give a date when this'll be updated again. But I hope it's not as long. I'm pretty busy with trying to get a business up and running, and my health isn't all that great, but I will try to continue writing this and I want to finish it. There isn't all that much left. Well, maybe about ten chapters or so.
So let me know what you think! You know, if there's anyone still actually reading this! And I really am sorry for the huge-ass wait! As you can see, things are starting to progress a little now, and God's absence has been noted sooner than it had in canon.
Reviews are love! And thank you for sticking with me! :D