(no subject)
See, part of me wants to diet, and the other part doesn't. There's something about being 200 pounds at the age of 18 that scares me. It doesn't seem like too much to me until I also take into consideration how young I still am. Maybe I should allow myself 10 lbs per year; for example, 200 lbs at 20 years, 210 lbs at 21, 220 lbs at 22, etc... I want to be fat! Having huge hips, a wide butt, thick thighs, plump arms and breasts, and a folding belly full of rolls, and doing little but sitting around pigging out on cake, pizza and ice cream all day long sounds like heaven to me. And every pound or layer of fat I've gained in the past has given me great pleasure and joy. I love being chubby/fat, but I often hate the fact that I like it. I wish that I could be normal. I've asked myself before if my desires are immoral or wrong, but found no answers. Then, I discovered that something is wrong if it is something bad that can be changed. My attraction and desires are not though. Since I can remember I've liked all things fat. I don't know why I'm so attracted to bigger people, and desire a bigger self, or why weight gain excites me so much. I know that it can't be changed though. I can either push it down, ignore my true interests, convince myself it's bad, and struggle with it; or accept it, and let myself be free and happy, and fat. (Ugh, the word fat annoys me- it doesn't express the beauty that I see it as). See, I'm also worried that I won't be happy. I want to be huge... but I also want to live a normal life. I don't know how well the two go together. I guess a lot of my fear comes from my ignorance of what it might be like. I wish I could talk to someone and see what life is like at 300 or 400 lbs... Eh, I have to go right now. Later!