Update for 2010

[megpo411]

Hello again, as usual it has been awhile since my last entry. I went back to Ohio for about 3 weeks for the holidays. It was good in a way and bad in a way. It was nice seeing friends like Colleen, Kyle, Monica, Saskia, Alex, Zach, Josh, and Clayton. Yes I saw Clayton. I was most afraid that I was going to do something that I regretted over break. I felt and smelt it coming. I was just hoping that I would have the strength to say no. Basically, I did not want to cheat on Karissa. I knew that it would be hard to see Josh and not do anything physical with him. So I kept it casual. I made sure that I was not alone with him and that we did not have any opportunity to kiss or whatever. . . and it worked. :) We went out to lunch twice and the second time was with my mother haha. I just wish I would have said I was seeing someone. I'm trying to work myself up to not being a fucking coward. I wonder if I were in a relationship with a guy, if that would have changed anything. Would I say anything? Or would I just try and avoid seeing him alone? Perhaps we shall see. Still nice seeing him though. He is still the same. Which is great. It is nice to come home to comfort and things/people you are familiar with sometimes. I also saw Clayton. Which was weird and not weird at the same time. Even though we hadn't seen each other for over a year, it felt like I had seen him last week. He looks good though. He works out now and I can tell. His arms are much bigger. Its nice. He is doing well for himself. He has a big shot job at some insurance company in Toledo, Ohio. It's ironic that he is back in Ohio and I'm not. Anyway, I made sure to limit my alcohol intake and made sure to not spend the night like he wanted me to. He still, after everything we've been through, feels the same way about me. Which is crazy. He said I changed. In some ways I have but I feel like I have changed only when I am with different people. When I saw him, I felt like I haven't changed a damn bit since I graduated. It's still kind of nice to have a certain power over him. That is a horrible thing to say but...I said it! Anyway besides those things, other stuff happened while I was home...like Margaret being a fucking crazy person. She is insane. She has started fights with Colleen over her being quiet at the dinner table during x-mas. She said her behavior was rude but Colleen says she wasn't feeling well. blah blah blah. My conclusion with the whole incident is this: She is lonely and bored housewife who thrives off of drama. She needs things to bitch about and that happens to be me, Chris, Colleen, Jade, and the cats. Whatever, I don't have to make speak to her for another year. :) I'm really trying to be independent financially right now just so she doesn't have any dirt on me. Literally. I think I would ask dad for money if she wasn't around. Even though I have about $300 and work once or twice a week a shitty roller skating rink, I am determined to make it. But I am back in California mostly being bored. I sleep in even though I am not tired, I clean, I cook, I eat, I drink, I watch movies, I read, and play with Maebus and that about sums up my life. Its pretty dull and I get bored easily. But I think I can stand doing nothing for a month longer. I can't wait to work, meet new people, and get some meaning back into my life again. But I do not want to leave her. I have no idea if we are going to break up, although I am sure it is inevitable if enough time passes by. I guess I am not sure if she or I intend on breaking up when I literally pull out of the parking lot. Something I am not looking forward to talking about. I am not sure what I want either. I am more or less indifferent and try not to really think about it. I went to Sacramento this past weekend to see Greg and as usual drink. But when I was driving back I had this tiny revelation. I realized that I could be completely happy with starting my own business, my own coffee shop. I would play indie/jazz/emo/classical music, I would cater to intellectuals, hippies, gays, and people who have an open mind about things. I want to sell fruit and vegetables that I grow in my garden at home as well. This is an idea that I have never ever considered before. Before I met Karissa, I was career driven and that is all I saw. That is was society wanted me to be. Hurry up and find a job, make money, get married, and start a family, and be unhappy. I have been thinking a lot lately on life and its meaning. Admittedly, Chris spurred these thoughts on. Basically, life is meaningless. No one will care how many lives I save, if I discover something important, how many papers I publish, etc. "It's all bullshit and then you die." Why not spend my life discovering this planet, doing exactly what I want to do? After all, I am the only one who will care! I want to serve coffee to people, chat about religion, science with my customers, I want to hear inspiring music and bad music played in my coffee shop, and I want to relax. I want to be the boss of something. It sounds so fantastic. I brings a smile to my face :) Although, I do want to do more traveling, I want to learn more things, and I still wanna do science :) But since I don't want to have kids, I have all of the time in the world to start a coffee shop! :) I think when I am 33 I should start it. That gives me 10 years. OKay done. Oh and I also want to brew my own beer and sell it in my shop too.
Okay enough with my Tuesday ramblings...more thoughts on my coffee shop to come.
Until then..