Rain...Bloody Rain...
I'm only happy when it rains.... ~ Garbage
When the rain comes, they run and hide their heads... ~ The Beatles
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watching the puddles gather rain... ~ Blind Melon
Today the heavens opened up and dumped a massive amount of rain on Ontario. Jeff was sitting in it when it happened. Me? I was being wheeled back to the ER from an ultrasound appointment. You see... my body opened up today and dumped a massive amount of blood. Everywhere. I can't help but see the parallel between my wildly intense body issue and this wildly intense weather.
Here is the continuing saga in the process of Meg's Second Missed Miscarriage. If you're not up to speed, scroll down to my previous journal entries.
*WARNING: DO NOT READ IF TALK OF BLOOD AND FEMALE BODY PARTS MAKES YOU SQEAMISH!*
I went in for the blood work last week. HCG levels started around 29000 and then dropped to 16000 after four days. The pregnancy was definitely not viable. My hopes for the 2% were totally gone (not like they were there to begin with). An RN scheduled an appointment for me for today at 9:20am. But first, I enjoyed a lovely weekend in Encinitas & San Diego with my dad, brother & his family, and some extended family and friends. It was wonderful! (I'll do that weekend justice later with its own post and pictures.)
On Monday morning, I noticed blood and thought, "Phew! My body is kicking it into gear and taking care of itself. No crazy medicines. No scary operations." We hung out a little more with my dad and then headed back to Pomona. Yesterday (Tuesday), I went to work and it was crazy busy all day. I had some cramping but nothing too intense - it felt like a regular period. (And it was super HOT - yuck.)
This morning, we went in for our doctor appointment at 9:20am. Jeff was so sweet and went with me (Thank God he did - read on!). My doctor was kind and pleasantly surprised (like me) when I told him I'd started bleeding on Monday and I described my symptoms as nothing major. He did an ultrasound and saw that the gestational sac had moved to the top of my cervix - so it was on its way out. Good news to me at the time! Again, my body was taking care of itself - yey! But then the doctor still prescribed the awful medicine to "speed things along." I was really not looking forward to this medicine which required me to lay on my back for an hour after taking it and then repeat the process at the same time the next day. He gave me an off work notice through Monday of next week. Again, at the time, I was not to happy about that. Work is so busy right now and I just feel really bad having to miss. In my mind, how much worse could this get? It just felt like a period - no biggie!
We met with the RN who'd been talking to me on the phone (and coincidentally also talked me through my first miscarriage back in '09). She explained everything about the medication, showed a lot of empathy for my situation, and then sent us down to the pharmacy to pick up the medications.
At the pharmacy, I was drafting an email to my bosses when all of a sudden I felt a gush. I threw down my phone and told Jeff I had to run to the bathroom. When I stood up and walked out, I gushed even more. So much that I just froze with my back to the wall. My pants were wet. I touched my back hip and saw blood on my fingers. Oh. My. God. I walked as quickly as I could to the restroom, not caring that a man walking with a cane totally saw me and made a sound like "Oh! That looks bad!"
I got to the toilet and there was just so. much. blood. I didn't know what to do. I sat there and cried and kept flushing. My pants are ruined. Jeff is in the pharmacy. With my phone. I'm all alone. Seemingly bleeding to death. And I'm scared shitless. Thankfully, there were other women in the stalls. I asked one to help me. She didn't respond to my request. Instead flushed the toilet and washed her hands (I was cursing her in my head). But then she came back to my stall and asked me what I needed. I begged her to find me a nurse. She said she'd see what she could do. A nurse came just a moment later and then went to get Jeff. I was sobbing, hyperventilating, and feeling dizzy. A wheelchair came soonafter and I was escorted to ER. (People are inheritly kind. I am thankful for that.)
I was bleeding so much I seriously thought I was dying. I have never experienced so much blood so fast. This is the kind of stuff the RN told us to go to the ER for if it happened with the medicine and now it was happening. We got admitted kind of quickly - not quickly enough for me as I was now bleeding through my clothes AND the towel they gave me... I got hooked up to fluids, blood pressure machine, etc. An OB came and I felt like he was almost laughing at my situation. "Once you pass the tissue, the bleeding will slow up." Ok, Mr. Doctor. I'm bleeding a lake worth of blood here... feels pretty abnormal to me! I guess I'll just WAIT?!
The nurse gave me medicine for vomitting and then gave me super trippy pain killers. She warned me I'd feel "loopy." Yes. I felt loopy. I was talking to Jeff about how the rings of the curtain looked like frog eyes. (And later I thought to myself they looked like cat faces...) A few hours passed and I was sent in for an ultrasound. I felt kind of bad for the technician because I was so out of it and so bloody. I didn't feel like she felt like it was her job to clean me up - that's what nurses are for (I guess?).
Later, we found out the results of the ultrasound showed that everything had passed. At that same time, I was breaking out in a cold sweat and Jeff later told me I looked really pale. A different OB came in to take a look and actually physically removed the sac from my body. I felt 85% better after she did that. The cramps went away, Jeff said the color returned to me face, I was much more cognizant, and no crazy gushing sensations.
I was checked on one more to time by that same OB to make sure I wasn't bleeding profusely (I wasn't) and she did another ultrasound to make sure everything had passed through (and it had). I was then told I'd be discharged. I don't know what it is with Kaiser and being "discharged" but every time we've been to the ER (all of one other time with Audrey) and been told we'd be discharged, we're sitting for up to TWO MORE HOURS! Really, how long does it take to draft up some discharge papers?! So frustrating.
I was feeling better but then I felt worse. I got super light-headed and felt like I was going to black out. This made me start hyperventilating and generally just freaking out. Jeff got the nurse and explained that it was now 6pm and I hadn't eaten since 5:30AM. My blood pressure was dropping - I needed food. So I got a hospital snack pack - turkey sandwich with mustard and mayo, two orange juice boxes, and a cup of pears. I felt faint again after I started eating but no nurse was around. Jeff freaked out a little and tried to get me to drink more OJ. Thankfully both bouts with dizziness passed and we went back to playing the waiting game. Me, on a fuller stomach.
We finally physically left the ER at around 6:30pm. So I spent the whole day in the hospital and the bulk of it in the ER. But you know what? I'm super thankful I was at the hosptial when this gushing started. I would be freaking out 100x more if I had been at home. Jeff would have been with me but man, how much more stressful would it have been to get me from Pomona to Ontario bleeding the way I was? I totally would have ruined Jeff's car seats. But that didn't happen and thank God for that.
I am also thankful that my body took care of everything itself and again, I didn't need the medicine and I didn't need the operation. It was SUPER INTENSE the way my body took care of things but now we're done. The pregnancy tissues have passed and what remains is period-style bleeding. I don't even have significant cramps any more. Plus, I get to take time off work to really let my body heal. I was frustrated about this at first but now I am thankful. By the way, isn't the timing perfect too? I was back at work yesterday... what if my body gushed while I was at work?! Oh my goodness - that would have been AWFUL. But again, I am thankful that that is not my story. I was embarrassed for a millisecond when I ran by the man with the cane at the hospital heading towards the bathroom. Big deal. I can't imagine the scene I could have caused at school - I had lunch duty with hundreds of kids!!! I had a staff meeting with all my peers!!! Thank God He reigned me in until I was at a hospital, surrounded by empathetic and super knowledgeable people.
All this is to say that I have been generating a "Pro's and Con's" list in my head about this whole situation. What are the things that suck about this and then what are the things I am thankful for in all of this? I am coming to find that the more things suck, the more I am finding things to be thankful for....
It sucks that my pregnancy wasn't viable.... but I am thankful there was no baby from the start
It sucks that I can't be pregnant at the same time as my dear friend.... but I am over the moon thankful that SHE is pregnant (so what if I'm not? Seriously!)
It sucks that I ruined my favorite pair of shorts... but I am thankful I didn't ruin Jeff's car seats or something else that would be harder to clean/replace
It sucks that Audrey doesn't have a baby brother or sister.... but I am SOOOOooooo thankful that I have Audrey!!!!
It sucks that I was so scared today while I was bleeding so much.... but I am so thankful that it was just ONE intense day of getting it all done. "Miscarriage: Completed" was my ER discharge diagnosis.
It sucks that we have to wait three months to try again.... but in those three months I can drink beer at Oktoberfest, have wine with dinner, and eat as much cheese as I want!
It sucks that my ranking on FitBit will go down.... but I am thankful I will have time to sit and heal and read more books so I can reach my Reading Challenge goal! (Yeah... NO books completed in the month of August...)
It sucks that this pregnancy was a joke... but I am thankful for all the "coincidences" that have happened along the way because I know that is God's hand guiding me through my loss. I feel God's presence and healing power so much more this time around compared to the first time I had a miscarriage. I've learned and I've grown stronger.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... ~ Kelly Clarkson (I had that song stuck in my head after I was given the loopy medicine)
This is another battle scar. A physical and emotional battle scar. It has made me stronger. Much MUCH more thankful for what I have and much MUCH more hopeful for what is to come. I have the best husband in the world who has been by my side every step of the way and I have a beautiful, healthy, smart, AWESOME daughter. Thank God for these blessings! My cup overflows.
The aftermath. It is really hard to see but I have a blood stain on this already RED shirt I chose to wear today (um... fitting?). This entry is already pretty graphic but it shows how much blood was coming out of me while I was sitting in that wheelchair. I have my flannel p.j. bottoms on because that was what Jeff grabbed for me from home in a rush to get back to me at the hospital, through a weirdly unusual rainstorm on a weirdly unusual kind of day.