I officially hate the month of August.
No offense to friends or family with birthdays or other special occasions that make August a favorite of yours. My own daughter's birthday is during this month. But for whatever reason, I experience more pain and sorrow during this month than any other month of the year.
I've revealed my private posts from the summer so if you go back a few entries you will see that I WAS PREGNANT. Still am... sort of.
I went in for my first ultrasound. According to my calculations, I was one day shy of 10 weeks. That's a pretty normal time to see a normal person's ultrasound. For Audrey, we had to wait 11 weeks and that was torture. Anyway, at the appointment, I went in and got all my vitals done and everything was checking out. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. I guess the only semi-weird thing was that I haven't gained any weight but that's not uncommon for 1st trimester (just kind of uncommon for me!).
After all the medical questions and a quick physical, Jeff was called in with me and the ultrasound machine was hooked up. This is the equivalent of what we saw (it's not our picture - I didn't even think to ask for one.... why would I?)
So.... where's the baby? WHERE'S THE BABY?!........................... panic. grief. sorrow. depression. anger. hopelessness.
Another failed pregnancy. (FUCK.)
This condition is called a blighted ovum (read about it). Egg and sperm met, one of them was missing the DNA to make a baby, gestational sac was created, I got all those positive pregnancy tests and even felt nauseous the past 10 weeks... but no baby. All the work. None of the reward.
So my stupid body hasn't figured all this out yet. It still thinks I'm pregnant, just like the first time I miscarried. (Oh yes... if you're just now joining the party, this has all happened before...) So we have to force a miscarriage. But first, ....my doctor is so sweet. He told us there is still a 2% chance he did the ultrasound wrong. He wants to measure my HCG levels. If they drop, no baby. If they continue to rise, 2% chance there's a baby somewhere in there. He'll have me get a more sophisticated ultrasound in radiology to be 100% sure. Guys.... I'm not getting my hopes up over 2%. That 2% worries me because that could mean there is something seriously wrong with the baby. Especially because the doc measured my gestational sac and it only measured 7 weeks and some change. My math isn't wrong. I know I'm more than 7 weeks along....
All this to say, I just want to get on with it. I was like that the first time too. Get my body back to normal and let me just get on with my life. I guess it's my way of dealing. Everyone deals differently.
Yesterday, I left work to go to this appointment. I didn't go back. Obviously. My eyes were so puffy and red from all the sobbing, I looked like I had pink eye. Jeff and I actually joked later that OB/GYN's should have a side exit for people who experience pregnancy loss. It's such a WALK OF SHAME exiting the OB/GYN area. All these happy pregnant ladies with their big bellies and husbands rubbing their hands.... *sigh* Before the appointment you think, "I'll be part of this club soon enough!" and then you find out.... "no, you're one of the outcasts." That's kind of extreme but that's the feeling. In fact, I wore my sunglasses exiting past all those ladies. I'd seen it before back when we had Audrey's ultrasound. We were a couple waiting and out came a girl with her hands on her face being escorted by her distraught mother. Jeff and I knew exactly what that girl was going through and we felt so much empathy for her. People may have felt the same for us but I didn't care to hear it. They were strangers after all. No amount of comforting from them would help me not feel hysterical in that moment. So in conclusion, OB/GYN offices need a side exit for pregnancy loss.
Jeff and I came home and had Mexican food for lunch. We called family and friends and also coworkers whom we could trust for prayer and support. We had decided to keep the pregnancy a secret from our families until we knew for sure. I was going to tell my family this weekend and Jeff was going to tell his family next weekend. And then we'd open it up to the world - more coworkers, church friends, other friends... But first, we would have told Audrey.
(This is the part that gets me choked up every time I think about it *tears welling up*) Our plan was to tell Audrey at dinner last night. I planned to make her favorite - macaroni and cheese and I'd make her a card with the ultrasound picture on it and it would say something like, "You're a big sister now!" and "God has answered your prayers!" She has been praying for a baby sister or brother literally every night since the summer. Jeff and I were fine with that since we knew we were trying and hey! whaddya know?! We got pregnant! Prayers = answered! Anyway, I also bought her a book about being a big sister. So we'd just tell her at dinner, give her the card and the book, and videotape her reaction.
Well, that didn't come to pass. Obviously. And it just makes me sooooo sad. My little girl wants to be a big sister and is praying with all her might for that to come true. (Of course, she's also praying for "a dog or a puppy and a cat or a kitty" so.....) I guess that's where I'm getting sentimental. I love my daughter and she is the BIGGEST blessing to me in my life. She fills me with so much love and joy. Maybe I should be content with that? But then again maybe we should keep trying for as long as physically and safely possible to do our part to give her a brother or a sister.
Jeff and I talked a lot yesterday. We processed everything that happened. We let our emotions out. We were upfront and honest about how we feel. Ok, so if Audrey is the BIGGEST blessing to me in my life, Jeff is the HUGEST blessing to me in my life. I love him and would choose no other man to go through all this with. He is so down to earth yet so gentle. He listens better than any other man I know and he just cares for me in ways that fill me with love and joy. See, there is a lot of love in my life. Thank God for that because if there wasn't, moments like finding out you have a blighted ovum would be 100 times more devastating. Thank God for the support I have in my partner, Jeff. He lets me cry. He lets me lounge on the couch and watch "The Mindy Project" until I doze off.... (yeah, that happened.)
In our conversations, we talked about where we're at with having a second child. I decided yesterday I want to try one more time. And I mean ONE more time. If this or another missed miscarriage happens again, I just don't think I'll be able to stomach it. Plus, I'll just be feeling so old. I know some women can have babies into their late 30's and 40's but I just don't like that option for ME. I really wanted to be done by 35.... that's coming up in March. But like I said, I'm willing to get pregnant and go through all of this one more time. Jeff feels regret for "making us" wait so long. I don't think he made us do anything. We made the choice that was practical for our family - we just couldn't afford two kids in daycare at one time. Now that I've gone back to school and will continue this next year with more classes, I'll be exchanging credits for a pay raise at my school district and thus earning more money for our family. So if a second comes along, we should be okay. And if a second doesn't come along? We should be okay.
This is one of my favorite articles about having an only child. If it comes to pass and Audrey is the only child we are blessed with, I will TAKE it! Because she's a pretty awesome only child to be blessed with! (p.s. please don't tell me she's going to turn out "weird" because she's an only child or that she really "needs" a brother or sister. That will piss me off.)
I'm realizing I'm acting more sarcastic and smug about this experience because, you know what... I know what loss feels like. I know what it means to process grief. In the midst of feeling like shit over loosing another pregnancy, I miss my mom. How can I not? She was with me the last time I miscarried. Stayed with us in Pomona, went with me to my D&C operation, listened to me whine and complain on the phone, held me tight when I would just loose it months later out of sheer pain and grief of loss. Now I can't even call her let alone ask her to come be with me. Loss is an ugly little bitch. (Excuse my potty mouth.... I'm also reading "The Martian" by Andy Weir right now. It's about an astronaut that gets stranded on Mars and he's constantly saying things like that about the red planet and his lousy situation.) I guess since all these feelings are not new, I can just kind of be mad at the world. Just kind of flip the bird in the general direction of chance and pure bad luck. I cry my tears, I whine and complain, but then LIFE GOES ON. In the words of my favorite ballet teacher, "Shut up and get on with it." (I never would have thought her saying for completing a ballet combo would be the quote that follows me throughout my life... but it's pertinent!)
One of our friends sent us a text about Psam 46 while we were going through everything post-appointment at the hospital. She told us she'd had this Bible verse on her mind for us before we went to our appointment. We thought that was interesting. God must have put on her heart that we'd have trouble at this appointment. And do you know what? I had that sense too. I was trying with all my might to be hopeful but that little seed of doubt was more prevalant in my thoughts and feelings during this pregnancy. So many little insignificant things were going wrong in my life and Jeff's. I was stressed at work, I forgot my laptop and planner at home, I forgot to lay out Audrey's clothes for her - which I do every morning, there was a huge ass line at the reception desk at the hospital, it took FOREVER for the doctor to come in to see me.... oh, and a black cat crossed my path during my walk. Eh, I'm not superstitious or anything but I just had this feeling. Something was just OFF. And sure enough...... Even from the beginning of this pregnancy I had so many doubts. But I tried and tried to be positive and hopeful (which you will see in those earlier entries). Some things are just not meant to be. No amount of prayer and hope could turn back time and put DNA in the egg or sperm. What's done is done. And back to my original thesis statement: Life goes on.
Psalm 46 (thank you Emily):
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.c]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;">[c]
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shieldsd]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;">[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
I've revealed my private posts from the summer so if you go back a few entries you will see that I WAS PREGNANT. Still am... sort of.
I went in for my first ultrasound. According to my calculations, I was one day shy of 10 weeks. That's a pretty normal time to see a normal person's ultrasound. For Audrey, we had to wait 11 weeks and that was torture. Anyway, at the appointment, I went in and got all my vitals done and everything was checking out. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. I guess the only semi-weird thing was that I haven't gained any weight but that's not uncommon for 1st trimester (just kind of uncommon for me!).
After all the medical questions and a quick physical, Jeff was called in with me and the ultrasound machine was hooked up. This is the equivalent of what we saw (it's not our picture - I didn't even think to ask for one.... why would I?)
So.... where's the baby? WHERE'S THE BABY?!........................... panic. grief. sorrow. depression. anger. hopelessness.
Another failed pregnancy. (FUCK.)
This condition is called a blighted ovum (read about it). Egg and sperm met, one of them was missing the DNA to make a baby, gestational sac was created, I got all those positive pregnancy tests and even felt nauseous the past 10 weeks... but no baby. All the work. None of the reward.
So my stupid body hasn't figured all this out yet. It still thinks I'm pregnant, just like the first time I miscarried. (Oh yes... if you're just now joining the party, this has all happened before...) So we have to force a miscarriage. But first, ....my doctor is so sweet. He told us there is still a 2% chance he did the ultrasound wrong. He wants to measure my HCG levels. If they drop, no baby. If they continue to rise, 2% chance there's a baby somewhere in there. He'll have me get a more sophisticated ultrasound in radiology to be 100% sure. Guys.... I'm not getting my hopes up over 2%. That 2% worries me because that could mean there is something seriously wrong with the baby. Especially because the doc measured my gestational sac and it only measured 7 weeks and some change. My math isn't wrong. I know I'm more than 7 weeks along....
All this to say, I just want to get on with it. I was like that the first time too. Get my body back to normal and let me just get on with my life. I guess it's my way of dealing. Everyone deals differently.
Yesterday, I left work to go to this appointment. I didn't go back. Obviously. My eyes were so puffy and red from all the sobbing, I looked like I had pink eye. Jeff and I actually joked later that OB/GYN's should have a side exit for people who experience pregnancy loss. It's such a WALK OF SHAME exiting the OB/GYN area. All these happy pregnant ladies with their big bellies and husbands rubbing their hands.... *sigh* Before the appointment you think, "I'll be part of this club soon enough!" and then you find out.... "no, you're one of the outcasts." That's kind of extreme but that's the feeling. In fact, I wore my sunglasses exiting past all those ladies. I'd seen it before back when we had Audrey's ultrasound. We were a couple waiting and out came a girl with her hands on her face being escorted by her distraught mother. Jeff and I knew exactly what that girl was going through and we felt so much empathy for her. People may have felt the same for us but I didn't care to hear it. They were strangers after all. No amount of comforting from them would help me not feel hysterical in that moment. So in conclusion, OB/GYN offices need a side exit for pregnancy loss.
Jeff and I came home and had Mexican food for lunch. We called family and friends and also coworkers whom we could trust for prayer and support. We had decided to keep the pregnancy a secret from our families until we knew for sure. I was going to tell my family this weekend and Jeff was going to tell his family next weekend. And then we'd open it up to the world - more coworkers, church friends, other friends... But first, we would have told Audrey.
(This is the part that gets me choked up every time I think about it *tears welling up*) Our plan was to tell Audrey at dinner last night. I planned to make her favorite - macaroni and cheese and I'd make her a card with the ultrasound picture on it and it would say something like, "You're a big sister now!" and "God has answered your prayers!" She has been praying for a baby sister or brother literally every night since the summer. Jeff and I were fine with that since we knew we were trying and hey! whaddya know?! We got pregnant! Prayers = answered! Anyway, I also bought her a book about being a big sister. So we'd just tell her at dinner, give her the card and the book, and videotape her reaction.
Well, that didn't come to pass. Obviously. And it just makes me sooooo sad. My little girl wants to be a big sister and is praying with all her might for that to come true. (Of course, she's also praying for "a dog or a puppy and a cat or a kitty" so.....) I guess that's where I'm getting sentimental. I love my daughter and she is the BIGGEST blessing to me in my life. She fills me with so much love and joy. Maybe I should be content with that? But then again maybe we should keep trying for as long as physically and safely possible to do our part to give her a brother or a sister.
Jeff and I talked a lot yesterday. We processed everything that happened. We let our emotions out. We were upfront and honest about how we feel. Ok, so if Audrey is the BIGGEST blessing to me in my life, Jeff is the HUGEST blessing to me in my life. I love him and would choose no other man to go through all this with. He is so down to earth yet so gentle. He listens better than any other man I know and he just cares for me in ways that fill me with love and joy. See, there is a lot of love in my life. Thank God for that because if there wasn't, moments like finding out you have a blighted ovum would be 100 times more devastating. Thank God for the support I have in my partner, Jeff. He lets me cry. He lets me lounge on the couch and watch "The Mindy Project" until I doze off.... (yeah, that happened.)
In our conversations, we talked about where we're at with having a second child. I decided yesterday I want to try one more time. And I mean ONE more time. If this or another missed miscarriage happens again, I just don't think I'll be able to stomach it. Plus, I'll just be feeling so old. I know some women can have babies into their late 30's and 40's but I just don't like that option for ME. I really wanted to be done by 35.... that's coming up in March. But like I said, I'm willing to get pregnant and go through all of this one more time. Jeff feels regret for "making us" wait so long. I don't think he made us do anything. We made the choice that was practical for our family - we just couldn't afford two kids in daycare at one time. Now that I've gone back to school and will continue this next year with more classes, I'll be exchanging credits for a pay raise at my school district and thus earning more money for our family. So if a second comes along, we should be okay. And if a second doesn't come along? We should be okay.
This is one of my favorite articles about having an only child. If it comes to pass and Audrey is the only child we are blessed with, I will TAKE it! Because she's a pretty awesome only child to be blessed with! (p.s. please don't tell me she's going to turn out "weird" because she's an only child or that she really "needs" a brother or sister. That will piss me off.)
I'm realizing I'm acting more sarcastic and smug about this experience because, you know what... I know what loss feels like. I know what it means to process grief. In the midst of feeling like shit over loosing another pregnancy, I miss my mom. How can I not? She was with me the last time I miscarried. Stayed with us in Pomona, went with me to my D&C operation, listened to me whine and complain on the phone, held me tight when I would just loose it months later out of sheer pain and grief of loss. Now I can't even call her let alone ask her to come be with me. Loss is an ugly little bitch. (Excuse my potty mouth.... I'm also reading "The Martian" by Andy Weir right now. It's about an astronaut that gets stranded on Mars and he's constantly saying things like that about the red planet and his lousy situation.) I guess since all these feelings are not new, I can just kind of be mad at the world. Just kind of flip the bird in the general direction of chance and pure bad luck. I cry my tears, I whine and complain, but then LIFE GOES ON. In the words of my favorite ballet teacher, "Shut up and get on with it." (I never would have thought her saying for completing a ballet combo would be the quote that follows me throughout my life... but it's pertinent!)
One of our friends sent us a text about Psam 46 while we were going through everything post-appointment at the hospital. She told us she'd had this Bible verse on her mind for us before we went to our appointment. We thought that was interesting. God must have put on her heart that we'd have trouble at this appointment. And do you know what? I had that sense too. I was trying with all my might to be hopeful but that little seed of doubt was more prevalant in my thoughts and feelings during this pregnancy. So many little insignificant things were going wrong in my life and Jeff's. I was stressed at work, I forgot my laptop and planner at home, I forgot to lay out Audrey's clothes for her - which I do every morning, there was a huge ass line at the reception desk at the hospital, it took FOREVER for the doctor to come in to see me.... oh, and a black cat crossed my path during my walk. Eh, I'm not superstitious or anything but I just had this feeling. Something was just OFF. And sure enough...... Even from the beginning of this pregnancy I had so many doubts. But I tried and tried to be positive and hopeful (which you will see in those earlier entries). Some things are just not meant to be. No amount of prayer and hope could turn back time and put DNA in the egg or sperm. What's done is done. And back to my original thesis statement: Life goes on.
Psalm 46 (thank you Emily):
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.c]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;">[c]
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shieldsd]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;">[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.