... i know why i hide my love from you, somedays...
why am i such a glutton for punishment?
i give my heart away much too quickly. in my mind, i'm ready and willing to move on. so soon after a two and a half year relationship that i was in, just ended. there was too much, or rather, not enough going on. the relationship was toxic, in the respect that it was poisoning me, and i'm just happy that it's finally over. in the end, i guess i fell out of love with the guy. after this, i'm calling a ban on long-distance relationships. for now. forever. they just don't work. they're not worth even half the heartache they cause. sure, a rare few of them work out, but i was only fooling myself into believing that i was one of the few rare ones that it would work for. i've always been told that i'm a foolish dreamer.
i have two biggest fears: being alone, and being hurt. for the longest time, the fear most prevalent was the fear of being hurt. this, of course, meant that i suffered in being alone. once in a blue moon, i'll brave my fear of hurt, put my heart on the line with full knowledge that it could end up in hurt, because i just don't want to be alone, anymore. i was alone while i was with jared. i was hurt on several occasions, too. i saw in jared, two of my worst fears. especially towards the end, when he wasn't there for me.
mentally, i'm not alright.
i got word from jeremy that the rebound factor was too much for rogan. he got scared, and ran. i can't remember what it was that jeremy said rogan told him to tell me, but it was something along the lines of not wanting to hurt me, because he hadn't fully recovered from what his ex put him through.
i was a crying mess the night jeremy broke it to me. i keep blaming myself for pushing rogan into something.
in the beginning, i found it strange that rogan hung out with me as often as he did, although i really enjoyed the time i spent with him, and all the special attention i got from him. for all he did for me, i thought of him as a really good friend. especially the night vertigo died. i can remember feeling mentally drained from both having an illusion shattered and one of my pets breathe his last breaths in my hand. on my own, i know i would've been overwhelmed and crying, the entire night. the way rogan comforted me was amazing, and i guess that that was the night i fell for him [ it was the night after that the kiss occurred. i spent the next three days, afterwards, assuming i was in a relationship ]. perhaps, it was a bit premature, but i fell hard. i don't regret letting rogan know how i feel, and regardless of all of this and how selfish it makes me look, those feelings are still there. i just can't get rid of what i felt, that night. i guess that leaves me open for something that's just not there.
i can't help but feel something's still there and i still do have a chance. remember: it was -me- who kissed -him- first, and he kissed me back. i've always been told that i'm a foolish dreamer.
i know that there's a difference between "i don't want a relationship right now," and "i don't want a relationship with you." in this situation, it's VERY hard to tell what this is. because either rogan's just not being straightforward, or i'd have to know him a bit better before knowing what he's trying to say. i'm better off assuming it's not ever going to happen, and leave it at that.
i'm ready to move on with my life, and i guess that rogan just isn't. from what i've been told, he was abused, too. until last night, i guess i never really knew the extent. the sad part about this is that i never paid attention to the warning signs [ read: the rebound factor, or the ex-factor ] in hopes of having found someone. and then what i'm brought to believe is the exact opposite of what's really going on. stupid mixed signals and overreactive emotions. and there i go... making things awkward. i regret the fact i scared him off. that's the last thing i wanted to have happen. if i knew this was going to happen, i would have kept my emotions to myself.
i honestly don't know whether he just doesn't want a relationship now, or whether he doesn't want a relationship with me... or both. personally, i think it's time to wake up and time to stop the dreaming. alone and hurt, again. damn.
i hate men.
ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,mrl_kitty,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø
i give my heart away much too quickly. in my mind, i'm ready and willing to move on. so soon after a two and a half year relationship that i was in, just ended. there was too much, or rather, not enough going on. the relationship was toxic, in the respect that it was poisoning me, and i'm just happy that it's finally over. in the end, i guess i fell out of love with the guy. after this, i'm calling a ban on long-distance relationships. for now. forever. they just don't work. they're not worth even half the heartache they cause. sure, a rare few of them work out, but i was only fooling myself into believing that i was one of the few rare ones that it would work for. i've always been told that i'm a foolish dreamer.
i have two biggest fears: being alone, and being hurt. for the longest time, the fear most prevalent was the fear of being hurt. this, of course, meant that i suffered in being alone. once in a blue moon, i'll brave my fear of hurt, put my heart on the line with full knowledge that it could end up in hurt, because i just don't want to be alone, anymore. i was alone while i was with jared. i was hurt on several occasions, too. i saw in jared, two of my worst fears. especially towards the end, when he wasn't there for me.
mentally, i'm not alright.
i got word from jeremy that the rebound factor was too much for rogan. he got scared, and ran. i can't remember what it was that jeremy said rogan told him to tell me, but it was something along the lines of not wanting to hurt me, because he hadn't fully recovered from what his ex put him through.
i was a crying mess the night jeremy broke it to me. i keep blaming myself for pushing rogan into something.
in the beginning, i found it strange that rogan hung out with me as often as he did, although i really enjoyed the time i spent with him, and all the special attention i got from him. for all he did for me, i thought of him as a really good friend. especially the night vertigo died. i can remember feeling mentally drained from both having an illusion shattered and one of my pets breathe his last breaths in my hand. on my own, i know i would've been overwhelmed and crying, the entire night. the way rogan comforted me was amazing, and i guess that that was the night i fell for him [ it was the night after that the kiss occurred. i spent the next three days, afterwards, assuming i was in a relationship ]. perhaps, it was a bit premature, but i fell hard. i don't regret letting rogan know how i feel, and regardless of all of this and how selfish it makes me look, those feelings are still there. i just can't get rid of what i felt, that night. i guess that leaves me open for something that's just not there.
i can't help but feel something's still there and i still do have a chance. remember: it was -me- who kissed -him- first, and he kissed me back. i've always been told that i'm a foolish dreamer.
i know that there's a difference between "i don't want a relationship right now," and "i don't want a relationship with you." in this situation, it's VERY hard to tell what this is. because either rogan's just not being straightforward, or i'd have to know him a bit better before knowing what he's trying to say. i'm better off assuming it's not ever going to happen, and leave it at that.
i'm ready to move on with my life, and i guess that rogan just isn't. from what i've been told, he was abused, too. until last night, i guess i never really knew the extent. the sad part about this is that i never paid attention to the warning signs [ read: the rebound factor, or the ex-factor ] in hopes of having found someone. and then what i'm brought to believe is the exact opposite of what's really going on. stupid mixed signals and overreactive emotions. and there i go... making things awkward. i regret the fact i scared him off. that's the last thing i wanted to have happen. if i knew this was going to happen, i would have kept my emotions to myself.
i honestly don't know whether he just doesn't want a relationship now, or whether he doesn't want a relationship with me... or both. personally, i think it's time to wake up and time to stop the dreaming. alone and hurt, again. damn.
i hate men.
ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,mrl_kitty,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø