... you can have a better life, now. open your eyes...
i don't know what jared's trying to accomplish. i only wish i did. i honestly feel like he's trying to guilt me back to him. i know that if he does, it's not going to work out. he'll be happy, but i won't. i still love jared, but i just don't love him as much as i used to. somewhere along the lines, i fell out of love with him. after all, i just don't feel the same way i did about jared, when we were together. a lot of what i felt for jared has been reduced, because, as much as i hate to say it, he blew his last chance to make this work. just when he proposed to keep trying, he disappeared. when my precious little degu died, he didn't even try to be there for me. and that hurt me so much to know that, after jared rekindled some of the passion rogan talked out of me, he lost it again by hurting me the way he did.
i can understand why he can't be happy for me, right now, but i don't understand why he won't let me be happy. he wants to know how i can be so happy, so soon after the relationship ended. i can't explain it, either. in my heart, it was over when rogan talked to me about the long-distance relationship, and why it wasn't going to work out. i trust rogan because he's older than me and has been through the pain of a long-distance relationship. i began to loose a little love for jared, and it made me feel empty. as soon as rogan started being there for me, the void was slowly filling, and i guess i fell for him. for a week before we became official, i wanted to tell him. however, it's just the fear of not knowing if he felt the same way that stopped me.
it was weird, because jenna saw this coming. she encouraged me to spend more time with him. she was right about jeremy. she was right about rogan. perhaps, i need to start listening to her a bit more. perhaps, if she dropped the melodrama bullshit, i'd see her opinions as a bit more credible.
all jared can talk about with me is how much he still loves me, and how much he still wants to be with me. that just hurts, because even though i love him just as a friend, now... i really don't want to be with him. after knowing i gave him so many chances, and after having him blow it, every single time... i just can't do it, anymore. perhaps, it's me that needs some time away from him. i need to spend that time with rogan. jared said that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. if he keeps hurting me this way, he will. my heart can't take this, anymore. i want to be happy, but jared's the only thing preventing me from being truly happy.
why is he making me feel bad about something i'm doing for me, after having ignored my own needs for so long?
in a couple of recent chat sessions with jared, i indicated that i was happy with the way my life was going. face it, i'm with someone i love [ someone i consider to my intellectual superior ], and my job rocks. zelda's in top-notch health, and i'm finally getting my own personal finances under control. i'm also no longer stressed about jared not being there for me. the stress of a long distance relationship is finally over. no more crying over a keyboard. no more sleepless nights. no more worry. no more stressing out. i'm happier than i've been in a long time. the issue of age isn't even bothering me. he's 26. i'm 21.
it got to the point where just couldn't be alone anymore. the solitude was tormenting me. i spent the night with jeremy and ended up cheating on jared, because of what rogan told me. after rogan said what he said, in my heart, it was over. it's not something i'm proud of, and i know i should have ended it before even thinking about my own sexual gratification... but the lonliness was getting to me, and jared wasn't even around, even then. part of the reason i did what i did was so jared would hate me enough to make it an easier end. i somewhat understand why amanda did that to jeremy. yes, i'm a coward, and i don't know how to let go, and i don't know how to make it easier for him to let go. i told jared about it, and even though he was hurt, he still wanted the relationship to continue. my plan had failed. i had eventually ended it with jared. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. if i had to wait, i wanted to spend the time waiting as a single. i knew it was going to be easier on me, not only that... i just didn't want the obligations of a long-distance relationship to continue to wear me down. i had no intentions of finding love for a long time, and i let jared know that. he still wanted to try to make this work out... so he wanted to make a deal: if i was single, by the end of november, he'd make every effort to make this work. only stipulation was that he had to be financially ready, too. so, the situation was upgraded from ended to merely "on hiatus". it eventually ended, because jared just wasn't there for me, after that. he claims it was because he knew it was over, after having taken a realistic look at this. i believe that to be bullshit, but i just didn't want to be the only one, in the end, who was making an effort. i did all i was supposed to, and even when a hint of resistance was thrown his way, he just gave up. he didn't even have the common courtesy to tell me that he felt it was over.
if for no other reason, the long distance relationship had to end because i found it was unhealthy for me to spend so much time, rotting away in front of a computer screen, only to wait for someone who, in the end, wasn't there for me, and halfassed his final efforts to be with me. jeremy, himself, noted that when i was sitting behind my computer, i did NOT look happy. time was working against him, because i did all i could, and he just wasn't doing enough. and it killed... us. after all, he only started looking for a job after he graduated from highschool, which only gave him five and a half months to find a job, and earn the money he needed, not only to move over, but to become a canadian citizen. don't think ANY of that is cheap. i couldn't realistically help out. i'm making enough for myself, and what i make isn't probably enough to cover my expenses, AND what he couldn't afford. either way, he should have started looking for a job, MUCH sooner.
however, it was apparent that rogan cared about me, because he always seemed to be there when i needed someone. personally, we were just both coming off bad relationships [ the rebound factor is scaring the hell out of the both of us. i know i promised myself a lot of me time... however, i found that i still couldn't stand being alone ] and becoming more social because we both had significant others who kinda limited our social time... so we hadn't even really had the chance to know one-another. and i guess when we did, we had a lot more in common than we imagined.
that's another reason it didn't work out with jared, that jared decided to bring up recently; we were way too different. some of the things i did apparently "disgusted" him... like going to a pub on a weekly bases. drinking alcohol. smoking cigarettes. i don't plan to compromise my lifestyle for anyone. i would go as far as to say that we're complete polar opposites. i used to believe the phrase, "opposites attract"... but total opposites, WILL NOT work. we had next to nothing in common.
usually, jeremy is the one i go to when i'm stressed. however, i'm just not comfortable telling him about my problems, because i know him well enough to know i'd rather not trust him with my problems. jeremy has to bug me until i spill, and even at that, i usually don't tell him everything. through all the outrageous stories he tells, if they were all true, he'd be about 45. i don't know if he's telling me the truth, so why should i trust him with my life? with rogan, it's a bit more different. he's about one of the few guys i've been able to mentally connect with, and regardless of the fact i've only known him for such a short time frame, i feel i can really trust him. from a spectator's view, and of course, through jared's point of view, i can understand why it looks like rogan planned to steal me away from jared. however, this wasn't the case. neither of us planned to fall in love [ at least, i never planned to ]. i told jared that if he was willing to make the effort, that i'd stay single for him. in the end, he broke his promise to be there, and i was falling for someone else in his absence.
either way, i was disgusted by the fact jared just played with me like that. why can't he just let me be happy? can someone out there, perhaps, offer me a little advice?
ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,mrl_kitty,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø
i can understand why he can't be happy for me, right now, but i don't understand why he won't let me be happy. he wants to know how i can be so happy, so soon after the relationship ended. i can't explain it, either. in my heart, it was over when rogan talked to me about the long-distance relationship, and why it wasn't going to work out. i trust rogan because he's older than me and has been through the pain of a long-distance relationship. i began to loose a little love for jared, and it made me feel empty. as soon as rogan started being there for me, the void was slowly filling, and i guess i fell for him. for a week before we became official, i wanted to tell him. however, it's just the fear of not knowing if he felt the same way that stopped me.
it was weird, because jenna saw this coming. she encouraged me to spend more time with him. she was right about jeremy. she was right about rogan. perhaps, i need to start listening to her a bit more. perhaps, if she dropped the melodrama bullshit, i'd see her opinions as a bit more credible.
all jared can talk about with me is how much he still loves me, and how much he still wants to be with me. that just hurts, because even though i love him just as a friend, now... i really don't want to be with him. after knowing i gave him so many chances, and after having him blow it, every single time... i just can't do it, anymore. perhaps, it's me that needs some time away from him. i need to spend that time with rogan. jared said that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. if he keeps hurting me this way, he will. my heart can't take this, anymore. i want to be happy, but jared's the only thing preventing me from being truly happy.
why is he making me feel bad about something i'm doing for me, after having ignored my own needs for so long?
in a couple of recent chat sessions with jared, i indicated that i was happy with the way my life was going. face it, i'm with someone i love [ someone i consider to my intellectual superior ], and my job rocks. zelda's in top-notch health, and i'm finally getting my own personal finances under control. i'm also no longer stressed about jared not being there for me. the stress of a long distance relationship is finally over. no more crying over a keyboard. no more sleepless nights. no more worry. no more stressing out. i'm happier than i've been in a long time. the issue of age isn't even bothering me. he's 26. i'm 21.
it got to the point where just couldn't be alone anymore. the solitude was tormenting me. i spent the night with jeremy and ended up cheating on jared, because of what rogan told me. after rogan said what he said, in my heart, it was over. it's not something i'm proud of, and i know i should have ended it before even thinking about my own sexual gratification... but the lonliness was getting to me, and jared wasn't even around, even then. part of the reason i did what i did was so jared would hate me enough to make it an easier end. i somewhat understand why amanda did that to jeremy. yes, i'm a coward, and i don't know how to let go, and i don't know how to make it easier for him to let go. i told jared about it, and even though he was hurt, he still wanted the relationship to continue. my plan had failed. i had eventually ended it with jared. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. if i had to wait, i wanted to spend the time waiting as a single. i knew it was going to be easier on me, not only that... i just didn't want the obligations of a long-distance relationship to continue to wear me down. i had no intentions of finding love for a long time, and i let jared know that. he still wanted to try to make this work out... so he wanted to make a deal: if i was single, by the end of november, he'd make every effort to make this work. only stipulation was that he had to be financially ready, too. so, the situation was upgraded from ended to merely "on hiatus". it eventually ended, because jared just wasn't there for me, after that. he claims it was because he knew it was over, after having taken a realistic look at this. i believe that to be bullshit, but i just didn't want to be the only one, in the end, who was making an effort. i did all i was supposed to, and even when a hint of resistance was thrown his way, he just gave up. he didn't even have the common courtesy to tell me that he felt it was over.
if for no other reason, the long distance relationship had to end because i found it was unhealthy for me to spend so much time, rotting away in front of a computer screen, only to wait for someone who, in the end, wasn't there for me, and halfassed his final efforts to be with me. jeremy, himself, noted that when i was sitting behind my computer, i did NOT look happy. time was working against him, because i did all i could, and he just wasn't doing enough. and it killed... us. after all, he only started looking for a job after he graduated from highschool, which only gave him five and a half months to find a job, and earn the money he needed, not only to move over, but to become a canadian citizen. don't think ANY of that is cheap. i couldn't realistically help out. i'm making enough for myself, and what i make isn't probably enough to cover my expenses, AND what he couldn't afford. either way, he should have started looking for a job, MUCH sooner.
however, it was apparent that rogan cared about me, because he always seemed to be there when i needed someone. personally, we were just both coming off bad relationships [ the rebound factor is scaring the hell out of the both of us. i know i promised myself a lot of me time... however, i found that i still couldn't stand being alone ] and becoming more social because we both had significant others who kinda limited our social time... so we hadn't even really had the chance to know one-another. and i guess when we did, we had a lot more in common than we imagined.
that's another reason it didn't work out with jared, that jared decided to bring up recently; we were way too different. some of the things i did apparently "disgusted" him... like going to a pub on a weekly bases. drinking alcohol. smoking cigarettes. i don't plan to compromise my lifestyle for anyone. i would go as far as to say that we're complete polar opposites. i used to believe the phrase, "opposites attract"... but total opposites, WILL NOT work. we had next to nothing in common.
usually, jeremy is the one i go to when i'm stressed. however, i'm just not comfortable telling him about my problems, because i know him well enough to know i'd rather not trust him with my problems. jeremy has to bug me until i spill, and even at that, i usually don't tell him everything. through all the outrageous stories he tells, if they were all true, he'd be about 45. i don't know if he's telling me the truth, so why should i trust him with my life? with rogan, it's a bit more different. he's about one of the few guys i've been able to mentally connect with, and regardless of the fact i've only known him for such a short time frame, i feel i can really trust him. from a spectator's view, and of course, through jared's point of view, i can understand why it looks like rogan planned to steal me away from jared. however, this wasn't the case. neither of us planned to fall in love [ at least, i never planned to ]. i told jared that if he was willing to make the effort, that i'd stay single for him. in the end, he broke his promise to be there, and i was falling for someone else in his absence.
either way, i was disgusted by the fact jared just played with me like that. why can't he just let me be happy? can someone out there, perhaps, offer me a little advice?
ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,mrl_kitty,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø