warning: this is a vent.
Today has been hellish. Life's just been hellish period.
This wedding has just become something I dread, which I really hate, but I cant get excited about it. I feel like K's being completely unreasonable and not a very good friend throughout this process. I also feel like I've gone above and beyond for her and it's not at all reciprocated. At this point, I don't want to go to the wedding, let alone stand up at the altar with them. And the really sad thing is, I almost feel bad for S for having to marry her, like he doesn't know what he's in for. I hate thinking that about them, but I cant help it. I feel like that should make me a bad friend, but considering the state of mine and K's friendship, I don't feel like it does at all.
To add insult to injury, I have to wear this freaking hideous, electric blue dress, which I went to pick up today after my final because it's FAR away, but only half as far from school. I got there at 11, well they don't open til 12 (of course, every other day of the week they open at 10) and there's nothing around but cows, so I just went home. So, I have to waste more gas to drive all the way up there tomorrow to get my stupid dress. UGH!
And, since I felt like I was having some brilliant idea, I invited all of my friends, who are from two completely different groups, to have dinner together with me on my birthday. Now, I'm thinking it was a really bad idea. Really bad. It's going to be ackward and no one's going to talk and it's just not going to be fun. I'm hoping everyone will just play nice, though.
My other vent, is, in a word, my father. I seriously have not spoken to him since the day of my grandfather's funeral, which was March 18th. I bought my plane ticket to go up there because it was so last minute and I just wanted to get there in the moment, but my father told me he'd pay me back when I got up there. Of course, he didn't pay me back. He said he'd send money home with my brother. Of course, he didn't. He called a few days after my brother got home and promised he'd pay me back. The thing is, I know he wont and I would have left it at that if he had not promised me. I never make a promise I know I cant keep and so, here he is, just throwing out these promises I know he's not going to keep. It really just upsets me that he still promises us things he cant give us. Two Christmases ago, he told my brother he'd send him money to fix his car and every day, my brother checked the mailbox, waiting for the money, and it never came. That about broke my heart.
But, I'm used to this kind of thing by now. At least, I'm attempting to get used to it. More than two decades with him as a father, I'm just learning not to count on him. It's taken me awhile, but I get it now. He's just never going to be a good father to me.
So, today I learn from my mother that my step-mother is pregnant again. I'm really upset about it. I mean, I love my sister, I really do. It's just that I hate how they parent her and I despise how she's being raised. She's going to grow up with these two parents constantly fighting and this constant tension. I mean, I can barely cope with it, how's a child suppose to grow up in an environment like that? And now two children? I really hate that my siblings have to grow up this way and that they have to have her for a mother. I know that sounds harsh, but if you knew my step-monster, you'd agree in a heartbeat.
They just shouldn't have any more children. They probably shouldn't even have the one they've already got. I don't know how my father expects to handle four children, he couldn't even deal with us when it was just me and my brother. I haven't gotten a birthday or Christmas present in over ten years. Is he going to subject some other child to that too?
Last year he forget my birthday, the first birthday I had after my sister was born, let's see if he remembers this year. I'm not holding my breath, I wouldn't make it very far into this next year if I did.
I told you - this was going to be a vent and I think it lived up to it's title pretty well.